Cancel trip or go forward?
Mar 9th, 2006, 05:12 AM
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Cancel trip or go forward?
I know I should probably be posting this on either other topics or the Europe board. But those of you who know my situation know it because of FF R&R on this board.
We're still holding our tickets for our Ireland trip for March 25th. I'd had every intention of canceling them when things were looking so grim. But, for one reason or another, just didn't. Now things are looking up a bit. And we're fast approaching the point where I have to either call a rental car company or call the airline to tell them we can't use the tickets.
We're also still waiting for our PCP's office to let us know whether my husband is going to be able to get that p.e.t. scan referral. And she had advised us not to make the appt until we knew for sure that we could get the referral. So it's unlikely that he's going to be able to get the test and have the results for at least a week.
My inclination at this point is to call the oncologist's office and explain the situation to him. Obviously, if he thinks that taking the trip could delay any tests or treatment my husband may need to have, I'll cancel immediately. I'd also like to have his take on whether he thinks the trip would be psychologically beneficial or whether he thinks we'll still be too much in limbo to be able to enjoy it.
Assuming that it won't delay tests or treatment, it seems to me there are two ways to look at it. There's the sieze the day approach; the trip is already in place, we don't know what's ahead of us, we should go and have the time of our lives. Or, we should take the loss on the tickets and figure we'll have a credit for the remainder waiting for us to take a fantastic trip when this is all behind us and we can really let loose and celebrate.
There's one other factor I probably should mention. My husband has already told me that, if we don't go on the trip, he's not going to take the week of vacation as he feels he may need the time later.
Now I realize that personalities play into all of this and none of you know my husband. But you wouldn't be here if you didn't have a great appreciation for travel. Besides the fact that you have experience with major trips and know what hassles may be involved with either decision this close to the fact.
So I'd just really appreciate hearing some opinions. One of you may have a take on all of this that hasn't even occurred to us.
Thanks!
We're still holding our tickets for our Ireland trip for March 25th. I'd had every intention of canceling them when things were looking so grim. But, for one reason or another, just didn't. Now things are looking up a bit. And we're fast approaching the point where I have to either call a rental car company or call the airline to tell them we can't use the tickets.
We're also still waiting for our PCP's office to let us know whether my husband is going to be able to get that p.e.t. scan referral. And she had advised us not to make the appt until we knew for sure that we could get the referral. So it's unlikely that he's going to be able to get the test and have the results for at least a week.
My inclination at this point is to call the oncologist's office and explain the situation to him. Obviously, if he thinks that taking the trip could delay any tests or treatment my husband may need to have, I'll cancel immediately. I'd also like to have his take on whether he thinks the trip would be psychologically beneficial or whether he thinks we'll still be too much in limbo to be able to enjoy it.
Assuming that it won't delay tests or treatment, it seems to me there are two ways to look at it. There's the sieze the day approach; the trip is already in place, we don't know what's ahead of us, we should go and have the time of our lives. Or, we should take the loss on the tickets and figure we'll have a credit for the remainder waiting for us to take a fantastic trip when this is all behind us and we can really let loose and celebrate.
There's one other factor I probably should mention. My husband has already told me that, if we don't go on the trip, he's not going to take the week of vacation as he feels he may need the time later.
Now I realize that personalities play into all of this and none of you know my husband. But you wouldn't be here if you didn't have a great appreciation for travel. Besides the fact that you have experience with major trips and know what hassles may be involved with either decision this close to the fact.
So I'd just really appreciate hearing some opinions. One of you may have a take on all of this that hasn't even occurred to us.
Thanks!
Mar 9th, 2006, 05:26 AM
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My sympathies are with you as you undergo a very difficult time. But it sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders and I can't think of any logical possibilities or steps to take that you've overlooked. I think you need to pursue the options you've mentioned above, starting with a good heart-to-heart with the doctor(s). God bless.
The bottom line -- of course it could be a great trip and worth every precious minute, but if it could delay treatment or stall improvements, then you wouldn't and shouldn't do it. But then, you already know that!
The bottom line -- of course it could be a great trip and worth every precious minute, but if it could delay treatment or stall improvements, then you wouldn't and shouldn't do it. But then, you already know that!
Mar 9th, 2006, 05:55 AM
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This is something that I really have two minds about. I can really understand your dilemma. On one hand, how much delay are we talking about if you go? Can you cut the trip short? What are the chances that much delay will actually harm him?
Then, there is also the real possibility that if you wait, his condition, in spite of treatment, will never be good enough for you two to have these memories.
One thing that might cause me to delay plans would be that should he need medical treatment in an emergency, would it be available in that area of Ireland? That would definitly make me want to wait until later. Ask his doctor about what are the chances of that happening.
Then, there is also the real possibility that if you wait, his condition, in spite of treatment, will never be good enough for you two to have these memories.
One thing that might cause me to delay plans would be that should he need medical treatment in an emergency, would it be available in that area of Ireland? That would definitly make me want to wait until later. Ask his doctor about what are the chances of that happening.
Mar 9th, 2006, 06:22 AM
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CAPH52, is the trip length 7 days? Of course tell the doctor all the details and get all the feedback from him you can, but I can't help but think it was meant for you both to go.
There is no way in my mind that going now wouldn't be great for him mentally and emotionally. New things, distractions, maybe some unique relaxation- all great pluses right now.
If the doctor says ok and it puts a smile on his face, and yours- and it's only 1 week. Do it.
There is no way in my mind that going now wouldn't be great for him mentally and emotionally. New things, distractions, maybe some unique relaxation- all great pluses right now.
If the doctor says ok and it puts a smile on his face, and yours- and it's only 1 week. Do it.
Mar 9th, 2006, 06:32 AM
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I don't know if the FF you referred to is me, or FrequentFlyer, but I can certainly relate to this. We had to cancel our 10th anniversary trip to Hawaii in May '05 due to my breast cancer. In our case, the trip was planned for the end of my treatment which included chemo and radiation. Since we are hikers I worried that I wouldn't have the energy to make the trip what we wanted it to be.
I don't know all the details for your situation so I can only say this. If there had been no need for chemo and radiation and our trip had been scheduled for long enough after my surgery for me to be healed, we would have gone.
However - and it's a big "however" - I would only have done so after talking it over with my oncologist and surgeon. I think you're right to call the oncologist's office and explain to him.
As for the PET scan. Here in Pensacola it usually takes more than a week after the referral is okayed to get the Scan. Ask your husband's oncologist about that as well. It would be a shame to cancel your trip because you think it would interfere with his getting the scan only to have the scan eventually be scheduled for after you would have gotten back. (I hope that makes sense.)
You said your husband has indicated he won't take the week off if you cancel the trip. If this is because he's worried that he won't have enough sick leave without that week, you two need to talk about that. You don't want to go on this trip and have it be in the back of his mind that he shouldn't have used the days and have that spoil his trip.
Talk to the oncologist and determine if taking the trip is physically harmful. If not, then you and your husband have to decide whether the trip is a positive or a negative psychologically and emotionally.
I still regret having to cancel our Hawaii trip since I'd put almost a year into planning it. But that's me. You may feel differently about it, as may your husband.
Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to let you know I certainly understand your situation and I hope I've helped in some way.
Whatever you decide, I send my prayers your way.
FF
I don't know all the details for your situation so I can only say this. If there had been no need for chemo and radiation and our trip had been scheduled for long enough after my surgery for me to be healed, we would have gone.
However - and it's a big "however" - I would only have done so after talking it over with my oncologist and surgeon. I think you're right to call the oncologist's office and explain to him.
As for the PET scan. Here in Pensacola it usually takes more than a week after the referral is okayed to get the Scan. Ask your husband's oncologist about that as well. It would be a shame to cancel your trip because you think it would interfere with his getting the scan only to have the scan eventually be scheduled for after you would have gotten back. (I hope that makes sense.)
You said your husband has indicated he won't take the week off if you cancel the trip. If this is because he's worried that he won't have enough sick leave without that week, you two need to talk about that. You don't want to go on this trip and have it be in the back of his mind that he shouldn't have used the days and have that spoil his trip.
Talk to the oncologist and determine if taking the trip is physically harmful. If not, then you and your husband have to decide whether the trip is a positive or a negative psychologically and emotionally.
I still regret having to cancel our Hawaii trip since I'd put almost a year into planning it. But that's me. You may feel differently about it, as may your husband.
Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to let you know I certainly understand your situation and I hope I've helped in some way.
Whatever you decide, I send my prayers your way.
FF
Mar 9th, 2006, 07:04 AM
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Thanks so much for all of the responses, guys! I really appreciate the input.
Yes, JJ5, the trip is a week, leaving on Saturday, returning Friday. Given all the circumstances, I too am inclined to believe that this trip was meant to be. And that the break would do my husband a world of good.
Actually, FF, the FF I was referring to is Freaky Friday Rants and Raves. I've been posting about my husband's illness since this past June. So the Fodorites who follow that thread every week know the whole saga! But I really appreciate your sharing your experience with me.
Which leads me to another point, my husband is, without a doubt, right now feeling the best he's felt for at least a year. At least physically! It's been, I think, 6 weeks since his last chemo (the end of January). The fatigue is melting away, his appetite is coming back, etc. So I can't help wondering whether we shouldn't do this now, while he feels good. Yes, if all goes well, he's going to feel even better as time goes by. But, unfortunately, the situation is still too up in the air to be sure of that.
My husband left for work a few minutes ago and, as he was leaving, I told him I'm thinking about calling the dr. He doesn't think I should. He thinks that, without the p.e.t. scan results, I'm asking the dr to give me answers he doesn't have. I understand what he means but don't see it that way. For one thing, the dr told us Monday that, at this point, he thinks that even if the next p.e.t. scan shows something, as long as the other tests stay negative, he thinks we should wait. And then there's the fact that, at this point, we may not have the p.e.t. scan results before we have to make a decision about the trip. But I guess I'll hold off at least until tomorrow in hopes that we'll hear something about the referral.
Oh, and FF, I don't think sick time is too much of an issue. It's more that he doesn't want to "waste" the vacation time just sitting at home.
Yes, JJ5, the trip is a week, leaving on Saturday, returning Friday. Given all the circumstances, I too am inclined to believe that this trip was meant to be. And that the break would do my husband a world of good.
Actually, FF, the FF I was referring to is Freaky Friday Rants and Raves. I've been posting about my husband's illness since this past June. So the Fodorites who follow that thread every week know the whole saga! But I really appreciate your sharing your experience with me.
Which leads me to another point, my husband is, without a doubt, right now feeling the best he's felt for at least a year. At least physically! It's been, I think, 6 weeks since his last chemo (the end of January). The fatigue is melting away, his appetite is coming back, etc. So I can't help wondering whether we shouldn't do this now, while he feels good. Yes, if all goes well, he's going to feel even better as time goes by. But, unfortunately, the situation is still too up in the air to be sure of that.
My husband left for work a few minutes ago and, as he was leaving, I told him I'm thinking about calling the dr. He doesn't think I should. He thinks that, without the p.e.t. scan results, I'm asking the dr to give me answers he doesn't have. I understand what he means but don't see it that way. For one thing, the dr told us Monday that, at this point, he thinks that even if the next p.e.t. scan shows something, as long as the other tests stay negative, he thinks we should wait. And then there's the fact that, at this point, we may not have the p.e.t. scan results before we have to make a decision about the trip. But I guess I'll hold off at least until tomorrow in hopes that we'll hear something about the referral.
Oh, and FF, I don't think sick time is too much of an issue. It's more that he doesn't want to "waste" the vacation time just sitting at home.
Mar 9th, 2006, 07:07 AM
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CAPH: Hugs and prayes to you. My daughter's dear friend had Hodgkins that recurred 2x. Her oncologists always worked around things she was looking forward to. They wanted her to be as happy and normal as possible to help fight the cancer. The good news is she had a stem cell transplant over 3 years ago and has been cancer free since then. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.
Mar 9th, 2006, 07:18 AM
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OH Caph52, I didn't want to ask too much about how he was feeling physically. Now I would say unequivocally, GO. It was meant to be.
Mental and emotion well- being are as important in healing and health as all the purely chemical and physical cures are. Waiting for another shoe to drop gets to be a habit- and it will not change one thing to be gone for 7 days. If he feels well enough, he will be well enough. His energy, appetite etc. are all great indicators.
My sister has her last long multi-chemo a week from tomorrow. After that she has 12 weeks of an easier chemo every week, after that more radiation. There are plateaus between each level of treatments for everyone when the going is better than others. She's going to go to MI and see some new things in one of them with me.
It's just 7 days and at this point in the entire picture- it's better to go and not think so much. Sometimes we do the best when we "instinct" it and don't go entirely with the practical and cerebral. It was meant to be a special time. Enjoy it.
Mental and emotion well- being are as important in healing and health as all the purely chemical and physical cures are. Waiting for another shoe to drop gets to be a habit- and it will not change one thing to be gone for 7 days. If he feels well enough, he will be well enough. His energy, appetite etc. are all great indicators.
My sister has her last long multi-chemo a week from tomorrow. After that she has 12 weeks of an easier chemo every week, after that more radiation. There are plateaus between each level of treatments for everyone when the going is better than others. She's going to go to MI and see some new things in one of them with me.
It's just 7 days and at this point in the entire picture- it's better to go and not think so much. Sometimes we do the best when we "instinct" it and don't go entirely with the practical and cerebral. It was meant to be a special time. Enjoy it.
Mar 9th, 2006, 07:30 AM
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Hi Caph, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I've never been in your situation so I can only imagine what you are going through right now but I want you to know that I admire your strength and courage.
Your husband is feeling strong, his appetite is back--if it were me I would get on the horn with the oncologist, run everything by him and solicit his feedback then based on what he says make my decision. I would want to take advantage of every opportunity to continue with life as "normally" as possible including taking that trip to Ireland!
Blessings to you and your husband. I hope that you find the answers you are looking for.
Your husband is feeling strong, his appetite is back--if it were me I would get on the horn with the oncologist, run everything by him and solicit his feedback then based on what he says make my decision. I would want to take advantage of every opportunity to continue with life as "normally" as possible including taking that trip to Ireland!
Blessings to you and your husband. I hope that you find the answers you are looking for.
Mar 9th, 2006, 07:47 AM
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Caph, I didn't have time to read all of the other posters trip reports? But I say GO GO GO GO GO !!! If your husband is feeling the best he has ever, than GO!! One week is not going to make a difference. It is even better if he does not know test results before you go. I think you should both go and enjoy a wonderful week. If the news is good when return, than book a trip for next year as an anniversary celebration! If the news is not so good, than you had a wonderful trip. I hope and pray that your husband fully recovers. If you don't go, you may truly regret not having that time away from all of this sickness stuff. Many blessings.
Mar 9th, 2006, 07:51 AM
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Thanks again, JJ5. As I said before, I'm inclined to see it the way you do. I'm not at all sure my husband does. But he tends to be more pessimistic and sometimes needs a little "push"! I think he's afraid he may be too mentally fatigued to enjoy the trip. I suspect that the trip may be a wonderful "treatment" for his mental fatigue!
Also, being a firm believer in fate, there are just so many circumstances surrounding this trip that make me think we're meant to go.
The tickets for this trip were a gift from my brother so that we can join them on a trip, the timing of which is very serendipitous to begin with! As I explained on another thread some time ago, one of my brothers is presenting a paper in Dublin. The other brother told me several months ago that it looked like the conference might wind up being around the time of his spring break. He said that if it worked out that way, he planned to meet brother number 1 in Ireland so they could travel after the conference.
Well, a couple of days before Christmas, brother number 2 called to say that the timing was right and that he'd just bought tickets for himself and his girlfriend. He then offered to buy tickets for us if we wanted to go.
It just so happened that the week they were going was spring break for our son and me too. (Very often our spring break isn't the same week as my brother's.) And my husband had already arranged to take that week off! Our daughter's college spring break is the week before ours. So she was going to fly out and we were going to drive her back.
And then there's the fact that our flights are from O'Hare to Boston with a layover there and then on to Shannon. And the reverse on return. Well, our daughter goes to school in Massachusetts. And American said she can leave the flight in Boston.
So you can see that there's so much about this trip that just seemed to almost magically fall into place.
My husband was reluctant from the beginning. As I said, he tends to be somewhat pessimistic. And he knew that the timing would be close to his post-chemo tests. But his mother persuaded him that he should go for it. So we got the tickets.
Two weeks ago, when we got the bad news and it looked like he would be having a bone marrow transplant, he tried to persuade me that the kids and I should still go. I would never dream of doing that! But something held me back from making that call to cancel the tickets. And right now, I'm awfully glad it did!
This may all still fall apart. But it just feels like too many coincindences.
Also, being a firm believer in fate, there are just so many circumstances surrounding this trip that make me think we're meant to go.
The tickets for this trip were a gift from my brother so that we can join them on a trip, the timing of which is very serendipitous to begin with! As I explained on another thread some time ago, one of my brothers is presenting a paper in Dublin. The other brother told me several months ago that it looked like the conference might wind up being around the time of his spring break. He said that if it worked out that way, he planned to meet brother number 1 in Ireland so they could travel after the conference.
Well, a couple of days before Christmas, brother number 2 called to say that the timing was right and that he'd just bought tickets for himself and his girlfriend. He then offered to buy tickets for us if we wanted to go.
It just so happened that the week they were going was spring break for our son and me too. (Very often our spring break isn't the same week as my brother's.) And my husband had already arranged to take that week off! Our daughter's college spring break is the week before ours. So she was going to fly out and we were going to drive her back.
And then there's the fact that our flights are from O'Hare to Boston with a layover there and then on to Shannon. And the reverse on return. Well, our daughter goes to school in Massachusetts. And American said she can leave the flight in Boston.
So you can see that there's so much about this trip that just seemed to almost magically fall into place.
My husband was reluctant from the beginning. As I said, he tends to be somewhat pessimistic. And he knew that the timing would be close to his post-chemo tests. But his mother persuaded him that he should go for it. So we got the tickets.
Two weeks ago, when we got the bad news and it looked like he would be having a bone marrow transplant, he tried to persuade me that the kids and I should still go. I would never dream of doing that! But something held me back from making that call to cancel the tickets. And right now, I'm awfully glad it did!
This may all still fall apart. But it just feels like too many coincindences.
Mar 9th, 2006, 07:52 AM
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Before I first posted I searched your name and saw all the Freaky Friday Rants and Raves and it never dawned on me that that's the FF R&R you meant. Perhaps if I didn't sign my posts FF and hadn't gone through the cancer thing, which I had mentioned here on Fodor's, it would have.
All that aside, now that I know the situation better, I agree with JJ5 - GO!
I know for me, getting away - even though it was only a weekend in NO to celebrate my step-daughter's 30th - was a form of medicine itself. A good form and I wasn't even through with the chemo yet. I felt "normal" again. And that I was in charge of my life for the first time in half a year.
If he thinks he can handle it physically, then I say, "Do it." The emotional and psychological boost it will give you both to not have to "give up" something more because of this disease will be worth it. Not to mention the joy you would have gotten from the trip had none of this other ever happened.
FF
All that aside, now that I know the situation better, I agree with JJ5 - GO!
I know for me, getting away - even though it was only a weekend in NO to celebrate my step-daughter's 30th - was a form of medicine itself. A good form and I wasn't even through with the chemo yet. I felt "normal" again. And that I was in charge of my life for the first time in half a year.
If he thinks he can handle it physically, then I say, "Do it." The emotional and psychological boost it will give you both to not have to "give up" something more because of this disease will be worth it. Not to mention the joy you would have gotten from the trip had none of this other ever happened.
FF
Mar 9th, 2006, 08:03 AM
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JJ5, I forgot to add that, of course, all my best wishes to your sister. I'm glad that she's going to be able to get over to Michigan with you.
And thanks again to everyone for your responses and good wishes. Not sure how that trip report got in the middle of this. The poor poster is probably never going to be able to figure out what happened to it!
It certainly seems like the overwhelming advice is to go for it!
And thanks again to everyone for your responses and good wishes. Not sure how that trip report got in the middle of this. The poor poster is probably never going to be able to figure out what happened to it!
It certainly seems like the overwhelming advice is to go for it!
Mar 9th, 2006, 08:21 AM
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CAPH, you have gotten some good counsel on this board. I would like to add something. Seeing the memorials to Dana Reeves this week has reminded me (again) of the lessons I learned when dealing with serious illness. Be grateful for the good days and live them fully. There are no guaranteed tomorrows. Go, love him with all your heart and have a wonderful time. If (and I pray he won't) he does have more challenges him down the road, he will have wonderful memories of a special time with his loving wife to bouy his spirits and lift his soul! Have a wonderful time. Peace.
Mar 9th, 2006, 08:22 AM
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Well, I am one of those who seizes the day if at all possible and considering you are talking about being gone for only a week, I think you should go ahead with your plans..as you are going ahead with your lives..which will be long and healthy and spent together.
Much good luck to you both.
Scarlett
Step-aunt to a boy, now a man, who had Hodgkins and is fine today.
Much good luck to you both.
Scarlett
Step-aunt to a boy, now a man, who had Hodgkins and is fine today.
Mar 9th, 2006, 08:48 AM
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If the Dr. says he can physically go, and it wouldn't impact/delay his treatment then I would also say GO.
I know everyone is different, and not knowing your husband, but I will tell you this: my friends husband had been battling cancer/treatments/etc and she planned in an 'interim break' a week trip to Europe. Husband was on the fence. It was, as he will tell you today (healthy and vibrant) that it was the best thing she did - going forward with the trip.
She had hesitated initially but her attitude was he is alive, he is going to be alive, we are going to live now, as everyone always should, because as she had learned you never know what is around the corner.
On their return, he said it was a big boost to his outlook on many things: he felt 'alive' and that he wasn't "on hold" - having felt so much of his life had recently been on hold during treatments, appointments, waiting for tests, wiating for the dr's calls - that it was a break from all of that and a feeling of 'yes, I live and I will live' which he felt helped his emotional feelings immensely.
He felt 'normal' - yes, he was a bit tired here or there and they might have taken things a bit slower or rested a bit more than they might have under different circumstances, but soaking in the travel, dinners, sites, he felt rejuvenated in many ways.
He felt not only that life goes on, but that he was part of it and not observing from the sidelines which, for him, made a huge difference in his individual mental attitude about many things.
Sometimes a new environment, a new experience, is a good thing for someone (both of you) who have been struggling with what you have. It was a gift for us, his friends, to see him return and have something exciting to talk about and share, something to focus conversations on for a bit, other than when his next appointment was or having that sort of hover in the air - he was so happy when he came back, it was the greatest joy for us listening to his tales of the trip and seeing the photos of the two of them having such a nice time away from everything they had been dealing with.
Best wishes and prayers for you and yours.
I know everyone is different, and not knowing your husband, but I will tell you this: my friends husband had been battling cancer/treatments/etc and she planned in an 'interim break' a week trip to Europe. Husband was on the fence. It was, as he will tell you today (healthy and vibrant) that it was the best thing she did - going forward with the trip.
She had hesitated initially but her attitude was he is alive, he is going to be alive, we are going to live now, as everyone always should, because as she had learned you never know what is around the corner.
On their return, he said it was a big boost to his outlook on many things: he felt 'alive' and that he wasn't "on hold" - having felt so much of his life had recently been on hold during treatments, appointments, waiting for tests, wiating for the dr's calls - that it was a break from all of that and a feeling of 'yes, I live and I will live' which he felt helped his emotional feelings immensely.
He felt 'normal' - yes, he was a bit tired here or there and they might have taken things a bit slower or rested a bit more than they might have under different circumstances, but soaking in the travel, dinners, sites, he felt rejuvenated in many ways.
He felt not only that life goes on, but that he was part of it and not observing from the sidelines which, for him, made a huge difference in his individual mental attitude about many things.
Sometimes a new environment, a new experience, is a good thing for someone (both of you) who have been struggling with what you have. It was a gift for us, his friends, to see him return and have something exciting to talk about and share, something to focus conversations on for a bit, other than when his next appointment was or having that sort of hover in the air - he was so happy when he came back, it was the greatest joy for us listening to his tales of the trip and seeing the photos of the two of them having such a nice time away from everything they had been dealing with.
Best wishes and prayers for you and yours.
