Neopolitan

All I can tell you is that when I was a teen and went to a friend's Bar Mitzvah (my first time inside a Synagoge) I was so overwhelmed with it all, I begged for months for my parents to allow me to convert. It was so much more inspirational than any of our mundane Protestant services.

sher11

Wow! I am overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for your information.

Just to answer some of your questions--I looked up the Synagogue and it says that it is a Modern Dynamic Orthodox Synagogue. Also, the ceremony and party will be in Toronto however the family are New York natives

Jed

The important part of the service will be when the boy reads from the Torah. This may be an hour or more from the start of the service.

If you don't want to, you don't have to be there from the beginning. Find out when the reading will be, and aim to come there 10-15 mintues beforehand. Or find out when other friends are coming.

Your major action will be to follow the others and sit when they sit, stand when they stand. And wow the parents by saying after, "mazel tov".

Tell us how it turned out.

CarolM

Since this will be at a Modern Orthodox synogogue, they might seat the men and women separately... I don't know how things are done in Modern orthodox... perhaps another poster might be able to shed some light on the differences between this and the very strict traditional Orthodox. The Orthodox denomination might be considered to be the most "observant" or that with the strictest adherence to Jewish laws and customs.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention that this might be a possibility so you're not surprised. Another possibility is that the service might be longer.

mclaurie

What no one has commented on is YOU being invited to your son's friend's Bar Mitzvah. Unless you are also friendly with the parents, it's not at all typical for parents of the kids invited to also go. So I wonder if the parents of the other kids were alos invited or???

In NY, Bar Mitzvah's have gotten so elaborate they're often as expensive as a wedding (and sometimes more than many weddings). So it would be helpful to know how affluent the family/area is and exactly what the invitation says. Is there a party in the evening? Or is it just the temple service and kiddush lunch after? That will help determine gift too. I just happen to be looking for something else and noticed NY Magazine's suggestion for the ultimate Bar Mitzvah gift is a gift certificate for a pair of personalized Nike sneakers. Maybe he could go in with some other kids for a gift?

sparkerlaw

I know about chai, double chai, even triple chai...but it that enough for a Bar Mitzvah in an affluent section of Southern California (parents are very non-materialistic and laid back). Both the ceremony and evening reception are in the Temple. I thought the cash gifts to the Bar Mitzvah Boy would or should be more. Especially if 2 people are going. Any comments?

Judy24

Sparkerlaw, I can only speak on my experience in the NY metropolitan area, but I've always found the reference to gifting "double chai" only pertains to the gift from one of the invited 13 year old friends.

If, on the other hand, you are an adult couple who are invited as friends of the parents, that is a different situation. Around here, some people treat it the same as they would a wedding (since as mclaurie pointed out, many of the receptions are just as elaborate!). I'm certainly not advocating that, but would suggest that you consider more than $36 for two adults.

sparkerlaw

Thank you Judy24 for your clarification. I certainly agree that what's true in NY would be true in California as well.

CarolM

Yes sparkerlaw, I agree. When I had originally mentioned the idea of double or triple chai in an early post here, I was thinking about that as being a possible gift from the friend of the Bar Mitzvah boy. I do agree that often people do treat the gift as if they were attending a wedding (for two people going, etc.) Good point.

CarolM

Oops, I meant to address that to Judy24 as well.

seetheworld

Gee, Carol, I passed right over your gift explanation. I knew it was a multiple of some number!

Orcas

The reason the word "Chai," which means "Life," (as in "To life, to life, lechaim,") has the numerical value of "18," is that it is made of two Hebrew letters, "Chet" which is the 8th letter of the alphabet, and "yud" which is the 10th. Add them up and you get 18. So, in Jewish mysticism this number is symbolic of life and is lucky. Consquently, people sometimes give gifts of money in $18 increments. This is actually quite commonly done, even among people who don't believe in mysticism. It's tradition (as in "Tradition! Tradition!").

sher11

Just a note to answer a few more of your questions.

--You bring up a good point regarding my invitation--I believe it is only for my son and I planned on attending the service so my son won't feel out of place by himself, but not the after party

--the invitation is for the service and a party on the next day "elegant attire" was notated (P.S. DOES THIS MEAN A SUIT FOR A 13 YEAR OLD BOY OR IS SHIRT AND TIRE O.K?)

Thank you for all of your information--I think we'll be comfortable knowing what to expect

esm

Sher, in one of earlier replies, someone said you didn't have to be at the service right from the begining. I respectfully disagree. While some members of a congregation "show up" after the start, they know how long services take and the order of service so they are able to time it. Therefore, you and your son would feel uncomfortable joining in after the start.

I don't think you have any reason to worry that your son will feel out of plance. Usually, the friends sit together - often a reserved row - same for dinner/luncheon seating arrangements.

As for clothes, Elegant is somewhat vague becuse it is subjective. I think nice pants and a shirt should be fine. A tie would make it more formal. I have seen plenty with just shirt and khakis.

ronkala

Hey Rich,
Even this Goy knows the bris was performed 14 years ago.

mclaurie

Since it's an Orthodox temple, men and women may not sit together so your going to the service so he won't feel strange may be a moot point. Also, unless your son doesn't know another living soul besides the Bar Mitzvah boy, he might feel more strange sitting (or not) with his Mom than sitting alone. I'm out of the loop on teen attire to these things and it is somewhat dependent on time of day, but to me elegant attire would include a jacket whether a sports jacket or a suit. But why not have your son call and ask some of these questions? I'm assuming he was invited b/c he's friendly with the Bar Mitzvah boy? He should ask about both the dress and whether you and he will be able to sit together or not.

giro

Since you say this is a modern Orthodox synagogue, there is a possibility both men and women will sit together.
The service will likely start at 8:30 or 9:00. The Second part of the service, when the Torah is brought out and the Bar Mitzvah boy really goes to work, likely will start around 10 or later. Personally, I doubt if many guests will show up much before 10; as the service will likely conclude around 12:30....
The head covering your son will wear is not a religious object; it is merely a head covering showing respect while in a house of worship...

AlexA

Just to clarify, if the synagogue identifies itself as "modern orthodox", men and women will NOT sit together during the synagogue service. They most likely would during any meal or party afterwards. So you would not be sitting with your son during the part you had planned to attend. I'm sure he'll be fine with friends!

GoTravel

If the invite reads "elegant attire" I would send your son in a suit.

I've attended some very dressy bar/bat mizvahs and sans jacket might look out of place.

Also, I really think it depends upon which part of the country and which time of year.

My mother always sends cash and a small gift.

mrt

My thoughts:
Recently went to a Bar Mitzvah where the theme was Harley Davidson and the keepahs (head covering) had H/D insignia on them.

My guess is the ceremony you are going to will be reformed or conservative.
Reformed will be more in English so you can follow alomg better.

Essentially, you just need to sit and listen or day dream. You won't need to participate, although you should stand when others are asked to stand. If it is reformed your son needs not wear a head covering.

The party is like anyother party. Depending upon the social strata (wealth) of the family will dictate how elaborate or ridiculous the party will be. Exp: I have seen where the center pieces were food items and cangoods which were donated thereafter to a local food kitchen and I have seen intricae displays of musical instruments where the bar mitzvah boy was a musician.

You can sit at your table or dance or drink as you pleae. There is a dance (called the Hora that is sort of like a revolving conga line. It is generaly fun.

As far as the gift. You give what you can afford. If you can afford it figure about $100 to $150 for a couple,