Just finished my 7th trip to the Sceptered Isle. Here's what I think the UK tourist board should provide to every American upon arrival:

1. An English/English dictionary
2. An umbrella
3. Sunblock
4. An apology for the necessity of both #2 and #3 during the same one-week holiday.
5. A pamphlet entitled "Who is Beckham and why do I care?"
6. A copy of the Secret Timetable that lists the REAL railway schedule
7. A portable, oversized chair for use in the 93% of places (theatres, restaurants, coaches, etc) where my bum is too big.
8. "The Idiots Guide to Cricket, and How to Avoid Watching It on the Telly."
9. A reasonable explanation as to why the nation which initiated the Industrial Revolution can't do plumbing.
10. A post-shower first aid kit for treating scrapes, bruises, and 2nd degree burns (see #9)
11. "Who's Who on Eastenders, and why you don't recognize anyone from your previous visit."
12. A mobile with loud, annoying ring tone (just so we'll fit in).
13. One of those new cholestorol-blocking drugs for times when a "Full English Breakfast" just can't be avoided.
14. A gentle reminder that footballs are ROUND.
15. A gentle reminder that "quaint" is not always a compliment.
16. Free Morris Dancing lessons.

Love it!!! especially #5,#8,and #16!

Other than a good laugh , I must be missing something about Morris dancing!! 6 men with bells on their knees hopping about .. maybe it's an excuse for an extra pint afterwards!

And I thought Americans didn't believe in the Welfare State...

How else are we to make a living if we can't sell you all that (at vastly inflated prices)..?

I got to see Morris Dancing for the first time this trip. I knew what is was of course, since it is a standing joke on many British television shows, but I had never seen a live demonstration before. Considering the elaborate costumes, and the practice it obviously requires, the participants must take it very seriously.

I'm British and have lived here over 50 years. I care nothing about Beckham, cricket or East Enders, don't carry a mobile phone and have never done any morris dancing (or wanted to). As for plumbing, I've encountered worse in many other European countries. The weather here is like that in most of Europe, and gives us something to talk about - life would be boring if the weather was always the same.

Like it, dr sawyers. Some response from my English perspective:

1. Would that be American English/English English? Given the regional variations, we might also consider Scottish English/Eglish English, or Liverpudlian English/London/English? When we've worked out what English is, we'll get back to you on that one.
2. Don't you read Fodor's weather reports and clothing advise?
3. Ditto
4. Hey, how do you think we feel? is it any wonder we holiday in the Med?
5. God reincarnated. For some of the following reason:
a) he's a spectacularly good football (sorry soccer, see 1, above) player, one of the world's best. And football is, after all, a religion, so he demands worship.
b) he's the captain of England, a hallowed position.
c) he has saved us in more international football games than I dare mention, so is a national saviour (think Wellington, Nelson, Churchill, and you get the picture)
d) he's married to a spice girl
e) have you SEEN a picture of this man? Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Jude Law, be afraid, be very afraid)
6. We'd all like one of those. I think the train staff would as well.
7. We're overpopulated here, we all need to squeeze in a bit more
8. I'm with you on this one, it's a boy thing. Only a mad dog or and english man would design a game that lasts 5 days. But from a man perspective, it means you can take a whole week off work, and just drink beer and watch telly.
9. You mean you have GOOD and HONEST plumbers? I thought that was an oxymoron.
10. That's why we're all so pale. It's post-traumatic shower stress.
11. Because it wouldn't be Eastenders without murders, firebombs, kidnappings, road crashes - a typical slice of life in old London Town. At least it's never dull.
12. Not another one please. What's worse is the girl with the really annoying ring tone, who's had an argument with her boyfriend, and so refuses to answer her phone. I know. She gets my bus in the morning.
13. But we need to fat stores to keep us warm.
14. Naturally. How else can you kick them around? Remember - FOOTball.
15. That's right. Quaint is what my gran regards as the height of comfort and style, and what I regard as nasty, tatty old chintz.
16. We don't get this one either.

Thanks for the morning laugh!

I have yet to go to Ireland, but I definitely want to! Obviously drsawyers loves it (7 trips - WOW!), but even having not been there, I can appreciate the wit.

I'd love to see some of our European friends write a list like this for visits to the US, too!

BTW - Bend it Like Beckham was a great movie!

LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT KATE!!! Hey, arn't you americans jealous of the way we can laugh at ourselves, as Kate so brilliantly wrote? I tell ya what, if I wrote about the USA in the same terms as Dr Sawyers, I would be flamed, oh so flamed!.

Kaudrey, I could write one if you like, if you guarantee my personal safety when back in the good ole US of A!!!

GeoffHamer,
Thanks for upholding that famous tradition of British humour.

kate,
I actully bought a little book that described (briefly) the rules of cricket; it didn't mention that 5-day beer/telly thing, but that does explain a lot. Once I realized that many of the phrases I couldn't understand weren't really important anyway (mid-silly-gully, or something like that?), I think I was beginning to get a handle on the game.

kaudrey,
By "Sceptered Isle", I was referring to Great Britain, not Ireland. I thought that was a reference to Shakespeare, but since I'm an American I probably got it wrong.

EnglishOne,
I started to make up a list for British visitors to the US, but couldn't come up with anything very interesting. The Brits I've met in the US generally seem to adapt more readily than we Americans do in the UK.

TOO FUNNY...I've had to print this out for sfaekeeping!

Oh Please EnglishOne do one for the US ...I'll come to your defense

Dr- I have a list here for a laugh I have just thought of a few quirky things, I'll post it if you like (as long as you realise it's funny like yours was to us!)

Ok, here goes for a few giggles between the US and UK!!

ITEMS TO TAKE TO THE USA FROM THE UK:

1. EARPLUGS - for those VERY loud voices in bars and restaurants for folks who seem to think everyone wants to hear their oh-so-interesting conversation!

2. MAP of the UK - whenever one strikes up a conversation and the inevitable question crops up "How many miles from London do you live?" - one can produce a map of the WHOLE of the UK to help the poor american realise there is more to the UK than LONDON!!!!

3. LIST OF DRINKS that one has slurped up in one evening to see the shocked amazement on american faces. YES, we CAN drink you under the table! way under! (and I'm a chick!)

4. Collapsable rubber dinghy - for the torrential rainfall. Rain in London (in comparison) is a mere shower guys! don't get worked up about it!

5. PHOTO of one's house. Nice and pokey, small, compact and bijou. NO, you guys, contrary to the hollywood films featuring the UK, we don't all live in country mansions, listening to Rule Britannia - and these tiny residences cost a FORTUNE!

CRICKET BATS - if we take em to the USA, maybe they won't bother with cricket anymore here. After all, who watches or understands it in the UK? and who cares..... only the americans, it seems

SICK BUCKET - for the inevitable spew when one here's the embarrassing insincerity of waitresses when arriving at a restaurant " SOOO GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS!" yuk - just show us the table and cut the BS

MAP OF AUSTRALIA - to show its a different country, different continent. NO I DON'T COME FROM AUSTRALIA!! and I sound nothing like australian....speaking of which....

OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY - why does no one understand me? - we invented the language for gawds sake! (ie. English language, not American!)

AN EXPLANATION OF THE OFFSIDE RULE IN FOOTBALL - Come to think of it, I still don't understand - and anyway, Beckham is gorgeous! who cares about the offside rule?!!!

COPY OF THE FAT BUSTING DIET - I put on LBS and LBS when in the USA! our full english breakfast is a wimp in comparison! waffles and syrup? doughnuts for brekky?!!!! amp;

Come on Jody, back me up, mate
I love you all really - and I can't wait to go back!

EnglishOne,

I think most Americans do realize there's more to the UK than just London. The problem is, London is the only place we can confidently pronounce!

I wonder how many American tourists become permanantly stranded - forever doomed to wander the moors, fens or Victoria Station - because they can't get anyone to give them directions to "E-Lie", "War-Wick" or "Glouw-Chester"?

(Not that the US is any better. I used to work in Vienna, OH (pronounced "Vy-anna&quot

Can't right now , I'm laughing too hard!!

Some of them I which you'd leave here when you go back..like the ear plugs and the Sick Bucket!!

I've seen beckham's picture...I wouldn't mind going offside with hime!!

Dr - we are just as bad in our own country. I live near a place called Teynham (its pronounced Ten-Am - but why, really? you have to be local to know this or work it out). Non locals pronounce it literally, Teen-ham. I think there is probably loads of places here like that.

Jodie - he needs to dump the spice girl first!

My first trip to the UK was when I was 18. Believe me it was culture shock. I spent the entire summer with a family. Each day I learned something new..for example..when you are at the dinner table and you need a napkin you do not call it a napkin you call it a serviette. So I found myself wondering what the next word was going to be that would get me into "trouble". In addition to learning a new vocabulary, I learned that some things were done differently. For example when we went to a supermarket we had to bag our own groceries. I learned that if you did not bring your own bags they would charge you for them. I learned that certain conveniences that we take for granted in the US are not available in other countries. It made me appreciate what I had back at home but also it made me appreciate to see "how the other half lives". I had a blast learning so many new things and ways of doing things. We all had a great laugh sharing the differences etc......
Leaving was really hard.....returning was fantastic....

Dr - I'm sure you are right about the reference. My bad. I have been to London, Bath and Salisbury, and would love to explore more someday!

EnglishOne - great list! If you come to the Washington, DC area and need protection, I'll see what I can do!

Karen

drsawyers and English One..thanks for your lists.
And drsawyers..yes, your Scepterd Isle is indeed England:
"This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,
This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
This other Eden, demi-paradise,
This fortress built by Nature for herself
Against infection and the hand of war,
This happy breed of men, this little world,
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
Which serves it in the office of a wall
Or as a moat defensive to a house,
Against the envy of less happier lands,?
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England." Shakespeare ( Richard II)

mmmmmmmmmmm Scepterd Isle???? ..nope I haven't a clue where THAT might be! I need to preview before I post. ;-)

katherine - we use both names - serviette and napkin . I guess serviette is said more often.

Glad you enjoyed it here. I had the reverse happen to me regarding packing of goods in the shops. Without thinking, in a store in New Orleans, I packed my own goods. The shop assistant looked at me as if I was mad. I told her sorry, I was english, and not used to anyone else doing the packing. She smiled sweetly!

As far as I know, supermarkets do not charge for bags (I think they have tried it in the past though), but I think it has been threatened again lately because over here we like to think we are very 'green' and like to save on waste.

You seem to have everything 'to hand' in the USA. However, I think we do SOME things better over here too