JoeG

drummer,

At your age and and without kids, I think it could be a mistake to take separate vacations at this stage of your marriage.

I do agree with others that there is a control issue at work here. You do need to come up with a solution that is agreeable to both of you.

My suggestion would be to consider short week-end trips. Maybe a trip to New York or Las Vegas. Italy or France might be too intimidating for a variety of reasons right now. He may be too overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life and a big trip might seem too frivolous (most of us here know this is not true, but it takes some of us many years to gain this knowledge).
Try to expand your horizons with shorter getaways and before long you will both have a taste for something bigger.

Bon voyage

JoeG

h2babe

This is a very interesting topic of discussion!! I always wondered about this issue and had assumed every Fodorites was married to someone who loves travelling.

I'm 26 and single, and the last guy that I dated told me that he couldnt remember the last time that he was in a plane -and he doesnt like flying period. While my partner doesn't have to love travel as much as I do, I realized that I'd be better off finding someone who has interests similar to mine.

Risha

I have a husband who said he likes to travel, but it turns out only to the places he likes. Sound familiar?

I think that you should give him the option to accompany you and if he says no, call your aunt. I have tried this and he suddenly changes his mind. I also travel alone. The interesting thing is we just returned from a cruise that didn't want to go on, and he's still talking about the great time, places, people, etc.

If married couples should only travel together, tell him it works both ways.

Risha

One more thing.

Many years ago, well before you were "a gleam in your mother's eye" there was a show on tv by the name of Route 66. Every week two guys would drive across the U.S. in a red Corvette, stopping wherever the story line said too.

It inspired me to do the same thing, except I did it across Europe for six months. I did it alone, without any real second languages. I had adventures. I got sick. I had car accidents. I met marvelous people. It was the greatest thing I ever did for myself.

I left an excellent job to do it. And when I returned six months later, the job was waiting for me.

The funny thing was, that when I met my husband, some seven years later, it turned out that he had also done a similar trip.

I'm not saying to leave your husband or your job. I am saying, that when all is said and done, all we have is our memories. I hope that your memories don't include being told what to do about one of your priorities.

nocinonut

drummer, I clicked on your name and see that you are planning a trip to Spain?

emtravel

It is interesting in this discussion that in all cases discussed only men do not like to travel and women do.

I do now want to open can of worms but why women are more inquisitive about the world than men.
I did not mean to be offensive, just curious.

I am lucky enough to be married to man with the same interests and we are happy when at home and when traveling.

More, I am a travel agent (please do not remove my post, nothing commercial in it). My husband joined my business few years ago and now this is our work as well as passion.

In my profession, and travel I've seen many couples like this compromising.

I have client/friend who loves history and art and architecture and loves travel. Husband is not interested, however, he always goes along with her. We went together with them last year on a barge trip Belgium/Holland and that guy usually goes on his own, looking at stores, talking to local people, while she was going with us sightseeing. However, in the evening, we would go to the bars together.

I also saw on a Med cruise a men who came with his wife. He was at the pool on the ship, Royal Carribean Adventure on the seas. The ship arrived to Athens and people were getting ready for exciting day in Athens. That guy said his wife is looking forward to Athens. It was hot. He told us: I am happy at the pool with my beer. I told my husband - why would someone go to Med and stay at the pool without visiting the port? However my husband replied - he does it for his wife. It made me think how people adjust to each other.

Drummer, in your situation, you might take him for vacation where you stay in one place and take day trips. Again, cruise may be an option, although I do not like it - not enough time to expreince the local culture.

Another solution: some castles or interesting accommodations in Ireland and other countries provide many sightseeing options including golf. He can play golf, and you take day trips and stay in Irish castle. Good food and drinks. You might want approach him with that: "how would you like to play golf on best courses in Ireland". Or, other alternative is walking tours. If he is into nature, then a small group of people walking in Alps would get him looking forward . Or horseback riding.

otherwise, if you drag him on general sightsaeeing, museums, cathedrals, he would hate it. Start from vacation which geared to his hobby: golf, horseback riding, sailing, cooking, etc..

Good luck.

aomartin

you can choose a place that has the option of the "beach" life so that he can just hang out at the beach and then you can go explore the rest of the city... When he sees all the cool places that you've gone, he will come with you next time... My suggestion: Go to a european island where he gets the luxury of sand and beach, and you get to see ancient/interesting/foreign places..

nocinonut

There is alot of effort being placed on this question.

I don't think drummer has come back to read all about it either.

After all, it is easier to give in.

clairobscur

I don't think there's anything wrong in couples taking vacations separately.


But even assuming he's right, then , there no more reason for you to feel obligated to stay than for him to feel obligated to come with you. If he's really sincere when he says so, then tell him that he *must* come with you, since you're a couple, and couples don't go on vacations separately.


But honestly, I think that actually he wants it both way : he doesn't want to be under any obligation to give up the things he likes, and want you to feel obligated to give up the things he doesn't like.

I would agree with a previous poster : show him the definition of the word "compromise" in a dictionnary. Generally it implies *both* persons making a step towards the other one. Not only one on the basis of made-up "principles" that only you are supposed to comply to.

rickmav

I think it would be interesting for you to print off these responses and show them to your husband. If he's the nice guy you believe he is, he shouldn't be threatened but curious about how other couples deal with the issue.

The first thing he'll realize is that married couples do not 'have' to spend their holidays together. The rule isn't written down anywhere and it's obvious from the responses that many couples have lovely marriages and still spend time apart.

Second, he might take to heart some of the responses that warn of resentment, etc. if the issue isn't resolved in a true compromise-like way. Saying he doesn't want to go anywhere and that married couples shouldn't spend time apart is not laying the ground for a genuine compromise.

And third he might expand his thinking a bit to contemplate somewhere he might go that would meet his Daytona Beach/golf requirements but add something extra for you.

Thankfully, I have a husband who, although not as eager as I, loves me enough to want to be on an adventure with me. Wherever that is. That's how we think of it, not thirty countries in 10 days, or seeing museums and sites that we really aren't interested in but we have to go because 'everyone' just does. If you look on travel as a way to learn/explore/laugh about something together, it can be Daytona Beach one year, hot air ballooning in France the next and laying on a beach just down the road the year after that.

Remember, it's the journey that's important, not necessarily the destination.

lifetravel

wow .... so i'm not the only one .... this is "relatively" true for my husband and me ..... i have that burning desire to travel .... I don't need jewelery (although it would be good to get that AND travel or expensive gadgets, a large house or the best entertainment system .... unless I get to travel, having these things will not make me happy. And I'm willing to give these things up so that I can travel. Hubby -- he wants everything. Spends on the house, on computers, printers, cameras, you name it. Has to be convinced that we have the money to travel (every time). But once the tickets are booked, he is completely on board. He gets excited and probably gets as anxious as me. It is a little frustrating that travelling does not mean to him what it means to me ... but I sure am glad that he enjoys it.

My plan - well - I hope that we can make enough money to never question the ability to travel. And yes --- I support the idea of special saving account for financing vacations. I will be doing that as soon as I finish my degree which I am pursuing part-time together with a full time job.

My advice --- if he has been on some vacations and complains about it after you both are back, I think you just need to take a few trips without him. I think he would be a willing travel companion once he realizes that you can go without him AND have a good time. However, don't give up on him. GOing with your spouse is a real joy -- if you can just get him to see the joys and experiances of travel.

GOod luck

- lifetravel

lyb

Start saving money and then you can start doing all your travel after your divorce. Yes, AFTER your divorce, because he sounds like a total control freak and either you will get tired of it, or eventually, he'll leave because he'll want to control someone else.

Like others I apologize for being so harsh, but I think your problem is MUCH bigger than traveling!

ira

Hi drummer,

My advice is that one year the two of you do what he wants and one year the two of you do what you want.

Or, if you can afford it, switch off every six months.

You can't go along forever resenting not being able to travel.

I also suggest that you print out this whole thread and leave it for him to read - unless he knows who drummer0002 is.

drummer0002

wow, never thought I would get so many responses. I do like the idea of take him golfing to Ireland.
Currently, we are planning a Mediterranean cruise departing out of Barcelona. He will go with me but while we wait for the date to come, we argue about it. That is my problem, I want to stop the arguements. While I am trying to save as much as I can for trips, he wants to spend the money on other things that to me are just frivulous.
Yesterday I told him that I was going to start saving for our next trip after the cruise, maybe to the Greek Isles or Northern Europe in about 2 years (I plan waaay ahead, it is like a hobby to me) or so (we are planning on getting pregnant on our next trip, at least start trying) and he said that it was a big waste of money...arghhhh.
It is hard to compromise on things like this because we share accounts and we make decisions together. Ah, the joys of marriage, it has its ups and downs, that is for sure!

johnthedorf

drummer0002,
While I was reading this thread I expected more people suggesting a trip to the British Open (which is on now) and perhaps the LeMans auto race. When the race or match are over...you've got him! There are several beaches on the Mediterrean Coast that would interest a young man also...nudge nudge!

salzburglover

My husband wont travel and now that i have raised my family and have a little cash behind me i have taken off for 3 months the last two years and intend to continue doing so for as long as my health and finances allow. There is no way in the world i would not go and it isnt much fun going solo but i would rather go alone that have a grumpy reluctant hubby with me. besides it means i can go twice as long. He plays the poor hubby who has to stay home and work while his wife travels the world but all our friends no the truth. i do coach trips so am never really alone, although the saddest thing is that i have no -one close to share my experiences with. i fix that by emailing home as much as i can. hubby keeps all the emails and makes them into a diary for my return.

NYCFoodSnob

Believe me, I'm no marriage counselor. The mere mention of Key West makes me wonder if he's gay.

What I can say from the experience of several marriages, each person brings their own selfishness and control issues to the relationship. Sometimes couple's counseling is the best way to get at the root of such things because, apart from simple travel/spending differences, these issues can run deep and eat away at the core of your love and eventually cause great bitterness and resentment as time goes on.

My mother and father were inseparable, mostly because my father wanted my mother by his side at all times, and for a long while she didn't mind. He was a boater and Mother succumbed to supporting <b>his</b> pleasure. They, too, were seven years apart in age.

My mother longed to see the world, my father didn't. She finally said yes to Paris, at age 60, leaving my dad behind because he had no desire. He wasn't thrilled but let her go anyway. He wasn't about to fight with me. This was the first time in their long marriage my dad had to fend for himself for two whole weeks.

After that trip, my mother said, &quot;No more boating!&quot; Unfortunately, she died three years later and never left the country again.

My dad was, and continues to be, a very selfish man, in spite of being a teddy bear. My mother loved him with all her heart and compromised until it was too late to change.

I've come to learn that in order for any relationship to thrive and grow healthily, both parties must find a near-equal plane from which to launch and nurture. If one person is giving more or sacrificing more, and the scales of love and need are tilted too far apart, a recipe for sadness and loss looms.

It's good that you recognize and acknowledge what you see and feel now. Now let's see you try and grow from here. Good luck.

eurotraveller

Wow! That is really sad! I think it might help to have a little heart to heart talk, find out why he doesn't like to travel and tell him all the reasons you love to travel. If he says it is because it is to hectic and crowded take him to Croatia along the Dalmation coastline, Hallstatt, Austria, an island in the Caribbean or Baja and stay put. There are plenty of places that offer a slower pace than Paris, London, Rome and Barcelona. Do some research and make sure you make him part of the planning process once you have found some relaxing destinations

If he still won't travel with you agree on a certain amount of time a year that you will vacation together and a certain time a year you will travel with someone else.

suze

An example of this BB at its best, what a lot of thoughtful and insightful postings.

francophile03

Sad to hear that. I doubt he will change unfortunately; I mean there is a possibility but kind of slim...
If you can travel with your aunt then go for it. And if you cannot then go alone. You have to enjoy your life too.