drummer0002

We are a young couple (26 and 33) who has been married for 3 years. We live a comfortable life; have a house, good jobs, and no kids yet. However, we have different priorities. I am the kind of the person who loves to travel, ever since I remember I dreamed about traveling to different parts of the world and often told myself that as soon as graduated college and had a good job I will go traveling. My husband on the other hand does not really care for traveling. He is happy going to Key West or Daytona Beach (we live in FL) for his yearly vacation, and have little luxuries through out the year like golfing, expensive clothes, etc?.while I dream of Italy or Paris and skimp all year long on things that in the long run are not really important to me like the best and greatest computer, expensive clothes or handbags, premium cable channels, etc?.
He has been on some of my travels with me, after I beg for it and he complaints about it. I don?t know what to do about it as we have totally different priorities. I have told him that since we do not have the money to do both (his little luxuries and my travels) we could compromise: I can go on my travels with my aunt and he can get his little luxuries. That way we are not spending money for him to accompany me on trips he really does not care about anyway. But he says that couples should not go on vacation separately, while I see nothing wrong with that at all.
What to do?

m_kingdom2

Threaten him with divorce, that will shock him into travel my dear.

drummer0002

I am sorry, I realize this is not a marriage counseling board, but I was wondering if other travel lovers here face the same dilemma I do and how do you handle it. And no, divorce is not an option, he is a great husband over all.

m_kingdom2

I never said go through with the divorce - just the threat, and he'll be booking up a couple of months in Europe.

nytraveler

I think you have the answer in traveling with your aunt - or other friends. Invite him along - he can go or not as he chooses. And accompany him every once in a while on one of his tedious "vacations". Other than that - just agree to disagree on this subject and enjoy your travels.

armand

How in the world did you two end up getting married in the first place? Go without him; or cut him off until he agrees. That will make him real happy

StCirq

My husband loves to travel, but can't take the kind of time off that I can, so I plan trips without him - been doing that for 20 years. I usually go with another friend or two, but I also go alone, or with just my kids. I see nothing wrong with that.
If he can't get beyond Daytona Beach, and he actually complains when he does travel with you, you're better off, IMO, traveling with a friend anyway.

KidsToLondon

Your topic heading has your answer: Compromise. Get your husband, take out a dictionary, look up the word, and work from there.

Some other ideas:

strategy #1--
Consider traveling to someplace where "Mr. Stay-At-Home" can do some of the things he thinks are special (golf, I presume being one) and "Ms. See-The-World" can sightsee and tour to her heart's content.

strategy#2--
start small. Go ahead and book a short trip somewhere and hope he will go along and learn to enjoy traveling.

strategy#3--
To thine own self, be true. You promised yourself that you would travel when you are able. Go and enjoy. (Hopefully, a visit to a marriage counselor won't be necessary)

Hope this does not sound "preachy", but you did ask. You question reminds me to be thankful that I'm married to someone who enjoys travel as much as I do. But don't give up.

cigalechanta

I would simply tell him how unhappy you are with the situation and there has to be a solution. He goes with you or allows you to go. (Gads, I hate that word, allows in a relationship) My husband at your age was the same way. He'd rather spend vacations with his family. So I took off once he left for the mountains and off to France I went. Once he saw how happy I was on return and seeing my photos and my tales of people I met, he saw I could exist without him and has been travelling with me ever since.

Parker

You could be describing me and my husband. He wants to spend money going out to dinner twice a week, going on weekend trips, etc. while I want to eat in, take my lunch to work, and go to Italy twice a year.

To solve this problem, I took advantage of the direct deposit option through my employer and started putting a small amount into a new checking account that was only in my name (my husband does know about this but it's different if the money never touches our joint account). At the point in time where I have enough money to take a trip, I start talking about where he'd like to go, make the reservations, and tell him about it. He actually loves going once we get there, but doesn't want to give up his dinners out (or spend such a large chunk of money at one time). He also likes the idea of showing our kids other parts of the world.

I do have a hard time getting him to agree to fly coach after we've flown first class a couple of times. We've had to do this because there were no FF seats in 1st, or there were such cheap ticket that it didn't make sense to use FF miles. The other problem is that he doesn't get as much vacation as I do and can't take off as long at one time. So I've now recruited others to go with me - my sister took her first trip to Italy with me over Easter and now can't wait to go back. Good luck!

111op

Where've you gone with him? Has he hated all the trips he's gone with you?

Try to find travel locations that both of you will enjoy (he can't possibly want to stay at home all day if he likes going to other parts of FL).

kismetchimera

Drummer,
Just take your Aunt or a good friend with you and go..Dont wait for something that it may never come..

Just remember that love is too Fragile, dont wait for someday, because we dont know what tomorrow is going to bring US.

Besides, I hate to travel with someone that does not enjoy doing it.

I have been married a long time, since I was 20 years old, now I have 3 grown kids and 3 beautiful grandchildren.

My DH travelled so much while he was in the AF, that now he is happy to be home and babysit our numerous pets.

I travel to Europe with my daughter or one of my grandchildren..and we have a Ball.

You dont have to spend all your vacations together and your hubby Should not Clip your Wings..

Just think about it and see You in Europe one of these days..
Ciao,

tcreath

It definitely sounds like a problem. While I understand that he doesn't like to travel, its ridiculous of him to expect you not to because of it. I think you've already offered to compromise with him by offering to travel with your aunt while he stays home. You shouldn't have to give up your dreams of traveling. I know this may sound harsh, but I would just say, point blank, that I'm going, with or without you. He can make the decision from there on whether he wants to go or not.

Luckily my husband loves to travel, but like your husband, he doesn't like the idea of my traveling alone. We take a "big" trip every year. I have more vacation time then he does and tossed around the idea of going to Europe by myself but he doesn't want me to go, although in this case it has more to do with my safety (I'm 25 and have never traveled alone, so I think he's nervous by the idea).

Good luck in whatever you do!
Tracy

kismetchimera

Ooops should have said LIFE not love, I am a terrible typist..

taggie

My dad always hated to travel and mum loved it. For years she went on smaller trips to places he would go, then would go further afield with her kids as they got a bit older (she still goes with one or more the odd time). She also went with her sisters, once with a university group and once with a ladies' travel club. She's ended up travelling all over the world (Egypt, N.America, Europe). Dad always encouraged her to go; he recognized travel was important to her. But my mom wanted to go with her husband. My parents split up a few years ago and it was in part due to simmering resentment over not being able to travel as a couple. Now my sis is in a similar situation. Her hubby has problems flying. He does try to go with her (ie Mexico, Cuba) but she has to augment that with other trips with different family members.

There has to be a way for you both to compromise. If he is so selfish as to deny you a compromise then no matter how great a husband he is in other ways, down the road the resentment you could start to feel will build and it will damage your marriage. (unless you are a saint).

drummer0002

thanks all for your numerous advice.
My husband gives me a hard time before and during the trip, but once we get home he brags to everyone about how much fun he had and the trip was worth it. He even reminisces with me once in a while about how great it was when we were here or there.
He just wants to be able to do both: his little luxurious through the year AND go on the trips I plan for us, but unfortunately we cannot do both as they are both costly. And I don't really consider visiting relatives or going to the nearest beach a real vacation.
Also, since we do not have kids yet, I want to travel as much as I can now because I am afraid that once we have kids, it will be very hard to travel like we do today. Or we will have to wait unti the kids are old enough to enjoy our trips with us (leaving them with someone will not be an option for us). What a dilemma.
He insists on married couples should not go on vacation separately.

SeaUrchin

Well then you are pretty much stuck, aren't you?

It is deeper than anything a Fodorite can help you, I'm afraid. He is saying what he wants, makes your trips miserable and you are going along with it.

It is a shame for you to be so young and already be under a thumb, even a nice husband's thumb.

SeaUrchin

Hmmm, I reread what I wrote and it seems pretty harsh and unfeeling.

I just know because I was in a marriage like that and my not having any say early on was a warning sign I ignored.

Good Luck, you are a whole person remember!

drummer0002

Parker, that is exactly how we are "He wants to spend money going out to dinner twice a week, going on weekend trips, etc. while I want to eat in, take my lunch to work."

annetti

Have you considered doing home exchange?
If you do home exchange, you can travel somewhere for the cost of plane tickets and your husband and you will not have to give up some of his weekly luxuries.