If Airlines Sold Paint...

Aug 22nd, 2002, 11:39 AM
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If Airlines Sold Paint...

This has been going around but I was reminded of it again today, when I purchased a tickert for $200 that was selling for $350 yesterday...


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up
to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you
will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue
painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a
certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the
price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and
since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we
just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as
possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it,
there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north
bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose
your remaining gallons of paint.

to be cont.
Aug 22nd, 2002, 11:41 AM
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If Airlines Sold Paint...cont.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid
you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every
drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't
keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One
$5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the
room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no
refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom
and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you
won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us.
And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it
will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your
next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
Aug 22nd, 2002, 06:57 PM
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Forget "Tipping the pilot". Now this is really funny, but sadly "true".
Aug 22nd, 2002, 07:58 PM
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jpm, this is priceless. I hope you don't mind if I "borrow" it to send it to some friends of mine in the airline industry.
Aug 22nd, 2002, 08:11 PM
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If you start painting on a Wednesday take a few days off and complete painting of the following Wednesday or Thursday we will allow you to use your frequent painting coupons and upgrade your paint to premium.
Aug 22nd, 2002, 08:35 PM
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If they lose your paint during delivery, is there Lost Paint Coverage? What if just the top of the can is ripped off? Do you get a discount if you buy a small, compact can vs the extra large can that takes up more room?
Aug 23rd, 2002, 08:23 AM
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I think the paint is only $1 on 9/11
Aug 23rd, 2002, 08:28 AM
painters cap
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It's really a shame that people don't dress to paint anymore. Nowadays, people dress like complete slobs to paint - dirty jeans and a big sweatshirt. And those awful painter's caps that American painters always wear!
Aug 23rd, 2002, 08:35 AM
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I am stealing this one!!! It is just SOOOO true!
Aug 23rd, 2002, 09:09 AM
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If they cancel your paint, do you get to paint anytime you want or is it up to them?
Aug 23rd, 2002, 09:15 AM
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You may have to paint at 3:00 am.
Aug 23rd, 2002, 09:20 AM
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Don't be naive. Just because you have collected frequent painter coupons doesn't mean they're going to have any paint available for you when you want it. You'd better get that paint about a year in advance.
Aug 23rd, 2002, 09:21 AM
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Then do I get to sit wherever I want or does the paint require particular seating?
Aug 23rd, 2002, 12:07 PM
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I remember when you used to be able to show up to a job to paint with a brush in each hand. Now it's only one brush, and it better not have any sharp edges on it. Now you have to drop your second brush into the paint can, and when you get to the bottom of the can, hope that it is actually there for you.

Of course, even in the old days, there were always some people complaining that the problem is that everybody thinks they can paint with two brushes. Not enough elbow room for that.

Best wishes,

Aug 23rd, 2002, 12:17 PM
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If my butt is really big does the paint cost twice as much?
Aug 23rd, 2002, 12:25 PM
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If I have a little dollhouse, can I hold it in my lap and paint it for free? Or is that only if it is under two years old?
Aug 23rd, 2002, 12:43 PM
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Dear, xxx, no but you will have to buy two cans of paint (thereby making it cost twice as much).
Aug 23rd, 2002, 01:04 PM
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Can my cat paint, too? If not, how much do I pay the cat sitter to watch him while I paint?
Aug 23rd, 2002, 02:06 PM
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Of course, you may find that "your" paint has actually been bought by someone else as well (the store justifies this by saying that a lot of cans aren't used on the day they are bought). So someone turns up at your house just as you have got the top off and snatches the can away. Stand on your rights here. Get the store to put you and your family in a 4* hotel until they can provide more paint. Don't let them palm you off with burger vouchers.
Aug 23rd, 2002, 04:26 PM
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I plan to paint this weekend. Should I take a trip instead. Now I am both worried and confused.

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