suze

I love to travel solo, that's my best advice... but that doesn't sound like the solution you're hoping for.

aucho53

comfyshoes...i do think that he is nervous about flying, but not to the point where it's a phobia. The last (and only) flight he has ever been on was when he was 12yrs old and he has said himself he doesn't really remember the experience. I admit, I haven't been the most sympathetice about that issue, you are right, I should be. However, I have made suggestions such as consulting a doctor about it, and I have mentioned that many people her take Ambien to help them sleep. He has said he would take something to help him, but I just feel like he is always giving me the impression this is going to happen but never fully commits so that he can say no when he wants.
I plan on travelling solo, with friends etc etc thats not an issue for me, I just wanted to see what you guys thought about this particular issue.

Thanks!
Layla

ComfyShoes

Yes, experiencing a new place with someone you love to look at almost as much as the new place, has a different flavor than going with friends or mom/dad etc. No doubt about that.

You know I have couple employees who are scared of flying. It is not exactly funny but it is treatable. Just get him the right treatment if that's the case.

Travel solo?! While I am glad it works for some, life's too bloody short to be alone no matter how cool the scenary.

LoveItaly

Hello aucho, my thoughts about this paticular issue is that you have a boyfriend who does not like to fly and does not want to go to Europe. I am predicating that on what you have said.

So my opinion is you need to make a decision whether or not you want to go to Europe without him. And whether or not you want to spend your life, assuming that you two plan on getting married which you have not indicated, with a man that does not have the interest or desire to travel as you do.

I do not know how anyone here on Fodor's can help you with your problem and IMHO it does sound like a problem.

Want you WANT from this man and what you are going to get sounds like two different things dear one. So I think you need to figure out what you WANT in the way of a life partner and whether or not you can live with the differences that you two have regarding trips. My best wishes to you.

marginal_margiela

Listen, sweetie darling, my husband, Keith, was the same way. Two years ago I told him he was coming to Istanbul with me (and my mother, Linda, and best friend, Muffy) or else I was kicking him to the curb. He came. This year, we are all going to Greece. I told Keith that I am not taking any s*it and he is going. That's it!! FINAL!

I would drop the loser boyfriend, go to Europe, meet a Spanish polo player, and live the life of Barbara Hutton.

Men are a dime a dozen.

tzarinna

It looks like you're going to have to do something domestically. Road trips aren't that bad. Can't you think of some place you want to go to besides Maine. It's lovely and all, I've been there twice and plan on going again.
Maybe Quebec,they speak French you'll feel like you're away.
Good luck,I know you have a year to decide. Keep us posted. I'm nosy and I need closure.

janisj

&quot;<i>I have been asking him (<b><u>many times</u></b if we can do this</i>&quot;

Your words. You probably need to give it a rest. If YOU think it is &quot;many&quot; times, just imagine what he must think???

Not liking travel or not enjoying new places is NOT a character flaw. It is just a difference. You dream of sharing Paris w/ him. He does not dream of sharing Paris w/ you. So either live w/ the differences or move on. Those are your basic choices.

abbydog

My husband wouldn't go anywhere but Minnesota until, when opportunity knocked and a group if my friends got a house in Provence, I said &quot;Okay, I'm going with them&quot; and started planning. It took him about a week to fully envision the outcome: hearing all about our fabulous trip and looking at our wonderful pictures and feeling horrible regret. So he joined us, had a fantastic time, and now goes to Europe every year. Your boyfriend might take longer to come around, but as long as he gets his way you'll never find out.

bashawdi

It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to go for whatever reason. Since he's only flown once, I'm guessing he's reluctant to be on the plane for six or seven hours. Even if he were to go, if he's not interested and is going only to please you--he's likely to be terrible company.

Travel or lack of travel is one area where I feel that being opposite is a very bad thing.

If he's this difficult now, I can only imagine how being married and tossing kids into the mix will change things.

His refusal to go and/or compromise is troubling. Your relationship with your partner should always include give and take.

We'd go to Europe yearly if we could afford it. We've taken our eleven year old son on 4 trips to Europe already.

I feel Europe is an amazing experience full of culture, good food, meeting others, sightseeing, etc., but not everyone feels the same way. For many that I know, it's simply too far and too expensive.

Most of my family and friends have never been to Europe and have no desire to do so.

Good luck. My vote is that if he won't go, find a friend or a family member to go along with you providing that you have the same interests and could travel well together.

sdfamily

I find that if I just plan the trip, he comes along willingly.

If he has not traveled a lot, planning a trip to Europe can be an overwhelming experience.

Why don't you just plan the trip (down to the last detail)? Then say &quot;This is what we're doing&quot;...Maybe this method of &quot;vacay&quot; will work for you.

It works for me. We first went to Paris in 1997 and I planned the whole trip. He loves all the trips and I get to go where I want. We're taking our three boys to Spain this spring.
It's just the planning that is too much for him.

mrkindallas

It sounds like going together is important to you...and it sounds like not going is important to him. Obviously a conflict of interest. I learned the hard way. I was in your exact same situation, but did manage to get my husband to honeymoon in Hawaii and spend an anniversary in Canada. He complained about both things before going and he refused to take part in any of the planning. I made an extra effort to plan things that I thought he would enjoy and to skip the things that I knew he wouldn't. Yet, about 50% of the time on the trips, he complained; 45% of the time, he just followed me around like I was a tour guide; and about 5%, he seemed to actually be having a good time and was engaging. I love to travel and I tried to make travel exciting for him. There are memories of our trips that he does cherish and talk about - mostly first-time experiences like snowmobiling. I tried to convince him to go to Europe, but could never get him to agree. He hated the plane ride to and from Hawaii and used the long flight as his excuse. Truthfully, the real reason he never wanted to visit is because he is not open to other cultures, he feels that the American way is the only way, and he doesn't want to find out that he is wrong. We recently split up because, in his words, he isn't good enough for me. Well, maybe he was right. I still love him and I think that I always will love him. Even though our trips weren't what I dreamed they would be, I enjoyed them, cherish the memories, and would have gone on many more trips with him (if he'd been willing). But...now that he has left, I realize that if I ever marry again, it will have to be someone who is open to experiencing other cultures and who loves to travel just as much as I do. Face it...no matter how much you hate planes...or how much you hate the actual act of traveling...what draws you back time and time again is knowing that you will experience things and cultures that you would probably never encounter sitting at home. People who have the passion to experience those things get over the planes and the traveling and go enjoy themselves. This differing love of travel/culture isn't what caused us to separate, but in all honesty, it was probably best for me because now I feel free to explore places on my own or with others who will enjoy them as much as me. His decision to leave opened up many opportunities for me that seemed to be gone when I was with him. I'm not encouraging you to leave your bf, but I am hoping that you will see that if something is so important to you that you will post in a public forum for help/advice, then it is important for you to determine what the true underlying cause of his lack of enthusiasm for Europe. Once you figure that out, decide how it conflicts with your core values/beliefs and make a decision for your own benefit: 1- either put up with it and travel on your own; or 2- fix the underlying problem and hope that he'll learn to enjoy traveling, too (remember - people change, but you can't change them without their willingness to change); or 3- find someone who is more your type.

Good luck!

Woody

Plan a trip without him, send him a photo of you with Bruno, and write:

&quot;Having a fabulous time - wish you were HIM!&quot;

Woody

Clifton

A lot of people here have made some pretty fair points about it really being a decision <i>you'll</i> have to make in the long run. He's following along with your plans because it stops the conflict for awhile. In the end, he doesn't follow through because he likely never intended to. It's sort of how a lot of guys work - myself included sometime. I don't know why he doesn't want to go but lots of people don't. As much as we around here are obsessed with our hobby, there are others just as focused on video gaming or hunting or whatever. Chances are he has interests that he spends time on, or would like to, that you may not be all that excited about. In an ideal world, it'd be nice to be with someone who at least wants to know and care about what you care about, even if it's not at the same level. But sometimes, it just isn't there.

If I was entirely dedicated to a life with travel in it (oh, and I am), then I might try this if I was feeling risky. But you have to be willing to accept a plan B and really mean it. The one option you aren't in charge of is the one where he does what you want. The rest (go without him, go with his plans) are the only choices that are yours to make.

So there's this (making sure the timeframe fits his available times):

&quot;So, I've decided to go the Europe in May. I think I'd like to go to Paris and then maybe another place or two. I'm excited about the trip and will be buying the tickets next week. Would you like to come or do you think it would be better if I invited someone else?&quot;

If he asks you who you were thinking about inviting, he's weighing the possible damage. Take that to mean whatever you'd like, but at the very least, it means he reallllly still doesn't want to go. But then at least it's a choice he's making and he's not being pushed. Personally, if he still opts out and doesn't shoot straight with you as to why, I don't think you should tell him who you're going with...

djuna

Go without him!!!
dont let his disinterest stop you... you will have an AWESOME time on your own - there are plenty of amazing people in their 20's (or any age for that matter) wandering the globe, you won't be wanting for companionship.
And if he's 'the' one, he will be there waiting for you, eager to hear your stories when you return.. if he's not eager - well, then, it would be time to let him go!

brotherleelove2004

I'll be in Greece in May and June. Tell him you're going to come visit me instead!;-)

athornberry

you guys have to try contiki . you will have an absolute blast!!! I would recomend either thier resorts or thier cruises. so fun !!!!

Lexma90

Lots of good advice here. There are some big life decisions, possibly, for you to make. But as a smaller decision sort of thing, before you commit (mentally or otherwise) to a European vacation, try planning a semi-close U.S. long weekend vacation that would involve a plane flight. If some of his hesitation is the plane travel, maybe taking a short trip will help him over the problem, or help him (or you) to determine whether it is a problem.

Worktowander

If he's never traveled internationally, that could be a phobia just as much (or more) than the plane ride.

Like a previous poster, my DH never wanted to go anywhere but Minnesota. I like Minnesota, but having traveled with my family as a kid, a lifetime of vacations only there was a no-go.


During our early time together my DH talked a good game about wanting to see the world. But because for the first few years of our marriage bigger trips were financially not an option, I didn't find out that he was actually very frightened of the idea.

When the money hurdle was finally jumped, I ran the idea of a bigger trip past him. And ended up in Minnesota. Next year? Same situation.

Finally, I called the question - not very nicely, I admit - out of frustration similar to yours: he'd get close, then find a reason not to go.

Ultimately, after my snit, we decided to go to Jamaica (his choice). Just before leaving for the airport I found him throwing up in the bathroom out of sheer fear of the unknown. I had no idea.

I think some men feel so obliged to be totally in control and capable at all times that they simply begin to avoid situations where they might not be.

Upshot: We got to Jamaica, he settled down, we had a great trip, and we've traveled far and wide in the eight years since then. We're headed to Morocco in...let's see... 28 days.

To this day, he's never admitted to the fear. And I've regretted that our travels started with a fight.

But I'd do it again. That's just me.


I wonder if a first trip to a &quot;less foreign&quot; place - maybe England, Ireland or another English-speaking destination, might prime the pump for your dream trip later on.

Worktowander

Oh, and we MOVED to Minnesota

nona1

'he has already mentioned that he feels like I'm forcing him to do it' so really, from his point of view, you are forcing him...

Anyway, maybe it's just too much for a first trip. Long plane journey, new country/language/food etc etc. He is feeling scared about it but can't admit it. How about trying to compromise this year and taking a longer distance trip within the US, flying not driving. He might get the confidence to do a domestic 2-3 hours flight and then that might help him get the confidence to take a longer flight next year. I don't know where you are based but could you get up to the 'French' part of Canada so that he is exposed to another language as well without it being quite the shock to the system of Europe?

But essentially, it may just be that his personality doesn't include any desire to travel to new places. In which case, you have a choice to make, as the others have said.