Going to France? Read this first
Jun 27th, 2008, 10:17 AM
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Going to France? Read this first
Sorry if it's an old joke...
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
Jun 27th, 2008, 01:07 PM
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It's old and to me it reflects sadly
on the country where it was written and not the country it is about.
If not for France it is highly likely the British would have put down the irksome rebellion in the colonies and your country, not to mention the history of the world would have been very different.
You might want to remember that.
The allusion to the French being cowards is also insulting and shows
a lack of knowledge... have a look at total French casualties in the First World War versus American and
you might start to understand.
And the Chunnel making it easier for the government to flee... a
government in exile is always preferable to a Quisling government.
When the British and Canadians
marched into Washington and burned the White House I suppose the American government stayed put?
I realize what you posted is meant to be funny and I may be accused of
over reacting but I hear far too many such things in the media regarding France and I'm sick of it.
Rob
Jun 27th, 2008, 01:48 PM
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I think there are some people here that are taking this far to seriously. I honestly don't want to live in a world where you can't mock the French. It is really the great unifier of the world. I sit down to lunch with Danes and Swedes and Dutchmen and Americans and you can always count on a well-timed jab at the French to brighten everyone's day.
Jun 27th, 2008, 04:50 PM
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Can't i why you would want to revive such swill.
There are such ridiculous stories about every country - compiled by those who find bigotry funny (a trait I don;t understand).
If you must post - why not something useful - or interesting - rather than a pack of ridiculous cliches?
(And - it is apparent that you know nothing about the philosophical underpinnings of the American revolution, the role played by the French navy in our defeat of te British - never mind the work of the Chevalier de Lafayette - or why in WWI the Lafayette Escadrille proclaimed - Lafayette, we are here.
I must admit I'm not enthralled by French popular music - but the same could be said of most countries in the world.
And those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
There are such ridiculous stories about every country - compiled by those who find bigotry funny (a trait I don;t understand).
If you must post - why not something useful - or interesting - rather than a pack of ridiculous cliches?
(And - it is apparent that you know nothing about the philosophical underpinnings of the American revolution, the role played by the French navy in our defeat of te British - never mind the work of the Chevalier de Lafayette - or why in WWI the Lafayette Escadrille proclaimed - Lafayette, we are here.
I must admit I'm not enthralled by French popular music - but the same could be said of most countries in the world.
And those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Jun 27th, 2008, 05:19 PM
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OMG, I'm in northern Ontario right now and have to go back to the USA tomorrow. Onn Canadian TV they said yesterday that a US high court ruled that eveybody in the US has to wear guns.
Will I be shot for not being American? I'm wearing cheapo Wal-Mat clothes to fit in. I've grown a beard and bought a funy american hat..., but they'll find out as soon as I start to speak with this "British" accent.
Please say I won't get killed and those Canadians are lying!
Will I be shot for not being American? I'm wearing cheapo Wal-Mat clothes to fit in. I've grown a beard and bought a funy american hat..., but they'll find out as soon as I start to speak with this "British" accent.
Please say I won't get killed and those Canadians are lying!
Jun 28th, 2008, 12:00 AM
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<i>And - it is apparent that you know nothing about the philosophical underpinnings of the American revolution, the role played by the French navy in our defeat of te British - never mind the work of the Chevalier de Lafayette - or why in WWI the Lafayette Escadrille proclaimed - Lafayette, we are here.</i>
Well that is presumptuous. I am quite well-versed in American history. I have studied the enlightenment philosophers, and the history of the enlightenment. Indeed, I would suggest you do the same, as you will find that the philosophical underpinnings of the American revolution were not extensively based upon French ideas but, rather more upon largely distinctive, Anglo-American conceptions of Liberalism and Republicanism. Yes, there was some cross-pollination from the French philosophers, but much, much less than you seem to be giving them credit for.
Amazingly, despite being relatively well-informed about the importance of French contributions to American culture (and independence), I don't have a problem with a bit of humor. It is a joke, and everyone knows it. Heck, the butt of the joke is not even clearly the French. Indeed, it seems to be more a parody of US attitudes and misconceptions about the French.
Well that is presumptuous. I am quite well-versed in American history. I have studied the enlightenment philosophers, and the history of the enlightenment. Indeed, I would suggest you do the same, as you will find that the philosophical underpinnings of the American revolution were not extensively based upon French ideas but, rather more upon largely distinctive, Anglo-American conceptions of Liberalism and Republicanism. Yes, there was some cross-pollination from the French philosophers, but much, much less than you seem to be giving them credit for.
Amazingly, despite being relatively well-informed about the importance of French contributions to American culture (and independence), I don't have a problem with a bit of humor. It is a joke, and everyone knows it. Heck, the butt of the joke is not even clearly the French. Indeed, it seems to be more a parody of US attitudes and misconceptions about the French.
Jun 28th, 2008, 12:04 AM
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<Please say I won't get killed and those Canadians are lying!
My suggestion is to take no chances. Arm yourself before venturing across the border. Sleep with one eye open. Keep your head down. Don't worry about the accent. If anyone asks, say you are from Wyoming - nobody has actually been to Wyoming, so they won't know what the accent sounds like. But, always, always, keep one hand on your gun.
My suggestion is to take no chances. Arm yourself before venturing across the border. Sleep with one eye open. Keep your head down. Don't worry about the accent. If anyone asks, say you are from Wyoming - nobody has actually been to Wyoming, so they won't know what the accent sounds like. But, always, always, keep one hand on your gun.
