Booze - Funny Stories

Old Sep 26th, 2001, 10:48 AM
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Booze - Funny Stories

OK, it is not PC, healthy or even mature, but many people let loose on vacation, perhaps by endulging a little. I'm sick of being depressed, or debating the safety of travel right now. Any funny stories that may have evolved from a little vino, or Bier, or ____ while in Europe?? I know, alcoholism isn't funny, but... Thanks in advance for the smiles. (I know this is probably a variation on several past threads, but so what).
Old Sep 26th, 2001, 10:56 AM
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Ok.. I'll play... but maybe I should use a fake email address... my beloved a wee bit too tipsy at the Hofbrau house in Munich... Long story short, there was this ajoining table of gentlemen from Zimbabwe, who had mastered the fine art of putting a condom over ones cranium. Yes you heard right putting a prophylactic (sp?) over ones.. skull. It involves heating them up...rubbing them around.. stretching them out... well in the drunken excitement of the moment, spouse decided it would be great fun to try it... amazingly enough he suceeded, then, egged on my the rowdy Zimbabwe-ians, he stood on the table with the condom on his head to riotous applause from all.. until a kindly official of some sort indicated he should get down, take the condom off his head.. and in future use it on the part of his anatomy where they were intended to be used.
Old Sep 26th, 2001, 03:01 PM
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At our hotel in Formia, Italy , we would go to the bar for what my friend called "coketails" before going into dinner.
She would have wine, I would have Mandarinetto (yummy, like limoncello !) and my children would have cokes.
One night we ordered the usual, then my son asked for a straw.
It did not come across in italian (wrong word?)
so he asked in english.
Within a minute the bartender placed two brandy snifters in front of my children.
I smelled them
and then asked why he served these.
He thought my son asked for "stock", so he served them both *whiskey*
My children were 13 and 10 yrs old!!!!

Same hotel, same trip.
We were there for 2 nights with my husband.
then he flew back to the states, and my closest friend and the children's "auntie" flew over to join us for our last week.

Apparently not having a husband in the picture changed things with the waiters.
Flirting increased which was very flattering for us
(being 45 and 48)
But, one night a waiter brought over 2 afterdinner drinks from another waiter.
He said they were limoncellos for us,
Well, both of us *know* what limoncello tastes like and what it's impact.
It was NOT limoncello that we were served.
By the time we finished these drinks, we were drunk!
Not slighty tipsy, but drunk!
It must have been very strong grappa.

The next morning when another waiter brought us breakfast, he asked in an oblique way if we had enjoyed our dinner and drinks!
Everyone knew about the incident.
and both my children did not let us forget it either.

Old Sep 26th, 2001, 05:54 PM
Book Chick
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During my student years in Florence, I lived in a villa with other (mostly non-Italian) students. Part of the roof was flat & we could sit on chairs there, or spread a blanket or towel out & sun ourselves there. We also had drying racks there, & would sun-dry our laundry on them.

One night one of the male students (not an American) had a little too much to drink. (We used to buy Harp or Guiness at the COOP)& dressed in a bed sheet which was draped as a toga, he went out onto the roof to wave to pedestrians, cars passing by & anyone else who might find his interpretation of a Roman emperor worth watching. Someone in the street started a conversation with him, he leaned over guessed it...he lost his "cookies" and his "toga" came undone simultaneously. I actually laughted so hard I cried! (The person in the street did not get..ahem..splattered!)
Old Sep 26th, 2001, 06:27 PM
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On my first trip to Venice(husband had been there before) we stayed at La Residenza. Thru dumb luck discovered our (now) favorite restaurant, Corte Sconta, just around the corner. It was a delightful lunch in their open courtyard, and we began a conversation(and sharing food!) with people at the next table... a German professor and wife. It started to rain and we moved indoors. Prof's wife spoke little English, but loved Amaretto. We like Grappa, had had much Prosecco with lunch. well, we had a grand party rain and all. then we had to go back to La Residenza and collect luggage as we were leaving that afternoon. 5PM: Husband carefully loaded luggage on his favorite cart(before wheelies)... started descent down grand staircase at La Residenza... and boom it all went tumbling down. We were hysterical with laughter. Sligtly effect concerige gave us a disparaging look and shut door. Suppose that is why we've never been able to get a reservation there again-
Old Sep 26th, 2001, 06:31 PM
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meant to say: "slightly effete concierge"
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 09:08 AM
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I like the lighter note of this thread; at least for a while.

Not "Ha Ha" funny, but interesting I think, My wife and had arranged to stay at Ruthin Castle in North Wales one year. We were in the grand ball room for after dinner drinks one evening, enjoying the surroundings and talking quietly. A very well dressed Englishman approached our table and asked if we would join his wife and him for a drink. Seems it was his birthday, his wife had secretly arranged the stay at Ruthin Castle in celebration (he had no idea where she was taking him when they left London) and they wanted to "be with someone to celebrate the occaision". The request seemed innocent enough, so we joined them. Introductions around, drinks ordered, we began a little conversation. He was a successful Stock Broker ( I know the English use a different term which escapes me for the moment) and his wife was an Attorney. Before long, he offered that they had looked around the room for someone to invite and settled on us. He had guessed we were American and that added a little adventure for him (???). A little later after another round of drinks (we were sipping pints by now as we are not heavy drinkers), feeling mellow, he offered that he was "terrified" (I think the English use the word a little differently than we might) about approaching us. When I asked why, he said that he imagined we might reject him. Again I asked him why, and he said that Americans always seem so self-assured (I am paraphrasing, but those were close to his words). Anyway, the conversation went on and they turned out to be very nice people; intelligent and witty as the English can be.

After about an hour or more, he began to talk about all these gifts from a number of people his wife had brought to the Castle in the "boot" of the auto. As he described them he suddenly said, "wouldn't you like to come up to the room to see them". He was inviting me and not including my wife or his for that matter. I thought to myself "OK, now what"? But I looked at him carefully and decide if it were neccessary, I could take him (even pints can increase bravado). So, off we go, up the grand staircase (there is no elevator) to see his gifts. We get to his room and lo and behold, he does want to show me his gifts (don't know why I was suspicious). So, I showed appropriate appreciation for the goods and we went back to join the ladies who had apparently had a very pleasant conversation.

Two things happened as a result of this experience; We learned that ladies never order "pints", only "half-pints" (our new friends discreetly informed us of this) and, we made fast friends of two of the most pleasant people on the face of the Earth. Over the years, We have visited them, they have visited us, and all because we looked like approachable Americans.
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 09:28 AM
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My husband, sister and her husband holidayed in England a few years ago and stayed in a cottage in Nottinghamshire. Down the hill from us was the small town of Epperstone and a pub called The Cross Keys. (They have the most delicious beef and kidney pie and a strawberry/rhubard pie with fresh cream you'd kill for.) While there we met the local 'character'. 'Barry' (prounced bar-ee) was part ne'er do well/poacher/charmer who commanded a corner of the pub and entertained all. He took a fancy to us - thought my husband and brother-in-law were coppers because they wore their hair so short - and introduced us to his drink of half Guiness and half bitter. On our last night there we imbibed way too much and my husband and I left early and fell into bed fully clothed. My sister and her husband stayed until the pub closed and it took them almost two hours to make it up the hill (a 15 min. walk) to our cottage. (We heard the next day that they had serenaded sheep all along the way). If I even smell Guiness it brings back the whole evening. And by the way women do/can/should if they want to order a pint. We've been going to England for 20 years and have seen both men and women order pints and half pints. Depends on what you feel like drinking, not what sex you are. (Now that I've had my PC rave, I'm quite fine.)
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 10:07 AM
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It should be noted that the admonition that "woman should never order pints" occured many years ago by a somewhat proper Englishman. It was never my intention to suggest that Woman should not order pints. Just telling a story. My wife does/can/will order a pint whenever the mood strikes her.
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 11:23 AM
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Several years ago I and a girl friend were staying in a hotel in the Champagne country of France. The hotel had a very nice restaurant and we were having dinner there. After dinner we decided that we needed an after dinner drink and ordered something. The french people sitting next to us told us that what we had ordered was like gasoline and had ordered us something else that they thought we would really like. We thanked them profusely and told them how nice they were to americans and how wonderful it was to be in France and treated so well. The next morning we checked out and not only was our champagne bill larger than our hotel bill but those extra drinks that we thought our french friends had bot were on the bill. Oh well it's a good story.
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 11:53 AM
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Five words:

Tequila congo line in Cozumel!!!!
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 12:14 PM
john g
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I have a great story!!!! My bf and I were in Lisbon last September. We met 2 Portuguese friends for dinner in the Bairro Alto. At dinner, Tom got very drunk. He was drinking both wine and Sagres beer. I decided he had had enough so I excused the two of us and we headed back to our hotel on foot. Staggering down the street, with me pulling him by the forearm, Tom stops in front of the famous Cafe Brazilero. He says he wants to have another drink. I say, "NO! We have to get back to the hotel." He thinks I said I can't find the hotel. So he says,"John, ask that gentleman sitting there where the hotel is." Well, if you have ever been to the Cafe Brazilero you know that there is a statue of a man sitting at a cafe table with a drink near the front door. I say, "Tom, that is a statue." Just then a pigeon that is flying overhead drops a load that mostly misses us, but catches me a little on the front of my shirt. Tom says, "John, you shouldn't have called that man a shithead because he just spit on you."
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 12:15 PM
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I was about 15; flying with my mom from London to jfk. I was a lucky kid and we generally traveled 1st class, which was usually full of stuffy businessmen. On this particular flight the mood and age were a little fact we were traveling with a bunch of kids...who we later found out were part of the Saudi royal family. They were a little rambuctious (?) and had a great time tormenting their nannies (or so we surmised). I recall several things flying around the cabin such as socks, food, toys, etc. We were initially annoyed until, we got drunk on mimosas and had a great time. Thanks to my mom and the kids of the Saudi royal family I now have a severe drinking problem.
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 12:44 PM
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One night me and my pals got loaded on tequila shots in Cancun.At the buffet line that night at the Embassy Suites my best friend puked into the chicken fajitas, nobody even noticed!
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 01:06 PM
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Our first night in Spain (Madrid) many years ago: left the hotel with the couple we were traveling with around 5:30 pm after a nap to ward off jetlag. Wandered around the Plaza del Sol area and around 6 stopped in at a bar for a drink. Had a couple of riojas. Decided to look for some dinner (stupid us - in Spain at 6:30 pm??) - couldn't find any so we stopped at another bar. Had another couple of riojas. Took a taxi to some famous bar we've read about and settled in there for an hour or so and had a few more riojas. Got talking to some Madrileņos who invited us to come with them for tapas and more riojas. Had some olives and shrimp and some manzanilla for a change. Followed our new friends to several more places until about 11 pm, having more riojas and manzanillas at each place. Fell into some restaurant and ordered food (who knows what) and a couple of bottles of rioja. Well after midnight had the presence of mind to take a taxi back to our hotel, but got sidetracked by the club across the street. The last thing I remember was the bartender offering us free riojas.
Next morning was cruel. My husband watched in amazement as I walked into the bathroom and tried in vain to open the latched hard plastic tub-length shower door. Pushed, pulled, swore, pushed, pulled, and then simply yanked it off its hinges and proceeded to take my shower while it lay on the bathroom floor.
When we reconnoitered with our friends for breakfast (which we had missed by several hours), we discovered between us we had lost a jacket, an umbrella, a ring, a Swiss army knife, and a map. We spent the entire day trying to retrace our steps, and actually collected most of the items.I paid for the damage to the shower door.
No more rioja for me, please.
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 01:16 PM
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My friend and I, from So. Cal., were visiting Western Canada in the winter, so we bought big sleeping bag like down coats to keep us warm. They zipped up like sleeping bags too and we felt like polar bears lumbering around. One night we stayed at a pub too long with way too many beers and had to walk back to our hotel in the snow late at night.
Since we were almost staggering, my friend made the comment that we would be found frozen in the morning in our sleeping bag coats. This got us to laughing so hard in a drunken way that we both fell on the ground and then
neither of us could get up, so we rolled around in the snow on someone's lawn laughing uncontrollably, until some nice lads helped us to the hotel (I ended up dating one of the lads for a few years.)
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 01:26 PM
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The only people who know about this are those I will describe. I am not divulging who I am, for obvious reasons once you read this.

My husband had a business trip in San Francisco and I accompanied him. A couple who are lifelong friends of my parents live in the area. The man (a doctor) took my husband and me out to dinner, his wife staying home because of recuperating from an operation.
We ate at an exquisite restaurant across the Golden Gate Bridge--very psoh-- and drank very good wine. As we were leaving, I wheeled into the ladies room. I stayed a long time, got sick, couldn't manage to stand up and vomit into the toilet, but did manage to hit the beautifully painted sink. Geesh. I'd been in there a long time so I am sure the line of ladies heard my activities.
I cleaned the whole thing up as best I could, exited the ladies room, head held high.
My husband and old family friend put me in his Mercedes and we drove back to San Francisco. On the way back, I asked that he pull over. I got out, got sick in the gutter, returned to the car.
I begged him not to tell his wife or MY MOTHER. He promised he would not. I'm pretty sure he kept his promise. At least, my mother has said nary a word about this little incident, thank heaven! (I was 49 at the time but mothers are still mothers, you know what I mean).
My husband thinks this is all pretty funny and I do too, in retrospect. To give it some perspective, I never cut up or caroussed as a youngster. So this was pretty humiliating for me.
Old Sep 27th, 2001, 02:02 PM
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In '76 I spent a couple months in the USSR, a lot of that time was passed with a bunch of local university students that I met. The Russians make other groups look like AA members. I had a lot of funny stories about drinking with them, but I couldn't remember them the next day. Sorry
Old Sep 28th, 2001, 06:34 AM
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Don't want to use my real name 'cause this is on me . . . hubby and I were invited to a "real" dinner party, you know the kind, 5 forks, 6 spoons, lots of glasses and lots of silver, a maid to serve, yada, yada. At the last minute, my hubby got sick and we had to cancel.

A few months later, we were invited again, this time I got sick the day before but didn't feel I could call and cancel again. Doc gave me antibiotics but neglected to tell me not to drink.

Go to the party, have one (only one) glass of wine, sit down to eat, so far, so good. Maid brings first course, artichokes stuffed with shrimp, I took one bite and without any warning at all, threw up into my plate! I did not feel sick and was horrified. The hostess helped me to the bathroom, the mess was cleaned up, she said no one noticed (yeah right), I felt fine and she encouraged me to return to the table.

I did, sat down, next course--lamb chops with little ruffled paper decorations. I turned to the guest to my right to comment on the decorations and threw up all over him. This time, I had the good sense to fall into a heap and had to be carried out (not faked falling either).

The next a.m., I called and apologised profusely, sent flowers, but I never did get another invitation. In fact, she's never spoken to me again.

It was traumatic then but pretty funny now.
Old Sep 28th, 2001, 07:37 AM
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I got wasted once on vanilla extract and cherry juice at a monastery in Belgium.We spent the night burning books and defacing renaissance paintings.I woke up in the stables next to an insurance salesman from Omaha.

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