Where were these “best beaches in the world” I had read about?
Home to one of the best beaches in the world and some of the best historical walled cities in Europe! A speckled gem in the heart of the Mediterranean with more sun than almost anywhere!
With so many designated accolades, I decided to finally make the trip to Malta and see what all the fuss was about. After all, how could I lose? As I was already planning a trip to Spain, it would be a cheap Ryanair flight away, I wouldn’t need a new currency, and, heck, I wouldn’t even need to pretend-practice a new language on Duolingo. (Along with Maltese, English is an official language in Malta.) Everything on paper pointed to the best vacation in the history of the universe. Unfortunately, paper has a way of lying. Or, at the very least, it is misleading.
After departing a city I very much adored, Valencia, Spain, the flight went off without a hitch. It took me a bit longer to make it to my hotel once landing in Malta than I’d like, thanks to four different Uber drivers abandoning my pickup, but hey, that happens everywhere. By the time I made it to my room, it was well past midnight, so I did the unthinkable. I cracked open the €9 bag of mini-bar peanuts, downed the €7 bottle of water, and fell asleep.
The majority of hotels congregate along the streets of St. Julian’s, a city along the eastern coastline of Malta. However, hotels can be found in the neighboring towns of Sliema, Gżira, Floriana, and the capital of Valletta. Truthfully, there is no beginning or end to these towns. They flow as freely into one another as waves in the Mediterranean.
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Early the next morning, I bumped into my first non-Uber problem. The beaches. For an island, there was a surprising lack of any. In St. Julian’s, there was a sliver of sand, enough for a single sunbather and maybe a dog, though all car and pedestrian traffic curved within a few feet of the “beach,” belching exhaust and food wrappers in the direction of anyone brave enough to claim the diminutive real estate.
What little beach access existed on most of the island was little more than a rocky coastline. For some, that might be fine, but for me, I need sand with my surf. Where were these “best beaches in the world” I’d read about? I wanted to dip my toes in sand, not gouge my toes on rocks. The only beaches with actual sand require a 45-minute cross-island Uber ride (at least) to reach places like Golden Bay.
While there are a few resorts next to Golden Bay, the island’s restaurant and nightlife scenes are in St. Julian’s. So, you have to decide between nightlife and beach life because you can’t have both (at least not without hoping a rideshare actually picks you up).
Despite the island of Malta being on the small side–or maybe because of it–traffic is heavy. During the week, it’s bad. It might take you at least 30 minutes to drive 10 kilometers but during the weekend? Expect driving times to double.
Several cab drivers and the hotel concierge highly recommended a weekend fisherman’s market in Marxaxlokk, a fishing village along the southeastern edge of the island. The 13-kilometer drive took 45 minutes, and even then, the driver suggested I hop out early as he had little faith in making it to the dock.
The fisher’s market itself left much to be desired. The country heavily restricts what can and cannot be fished throughout the year, dampening the volume and variety of seafood on display not only at the market but also inside restaurants. The server at a highly-rated eatery informed me their hands were tied, and only certain kinds of seafood could be sold. My assumptions of finding a smorgasbord of seafood in Malta were misguided.
Despite the unfortunate lack of seafood, I can’t continue without highlighting the uniqueness of the food in Malta. Thanks to its British background and proximity to Sicily, a hybrid of English and Italian cuisine exists. One particular dish I came across was a casserole of baked penne pasta with small meatballs, topped with a layer of a hearty beef stew and cheese. Consider it a shepherd’s pie with the mashed potatoes swapped out for noodles, then baked in an oven.
Finding carbohydrates in Malta was about as easy as finding historic ruins and walled-in cities. It made sense why Hollywood productions, including Troy, Game of Thrones, and Gladiator 2 would set up shop in the tiny country. The discarded ruins of towers, fortresses, and ancient farmhouses lay scattered throughout the island in various stages of decay. Even a few World War II bunkers are tucked among the historical ruins.
The walled city of Mdina is a major tourist draw, as it is one of the best-preserved fortified cities in Europe. Originally founded in the 8th century B.C., the town grew over the centuries, although now it’s home to less than 300 people. Also known as the Silent City, it’s a destination that lives up to that name. Unfortunately, other than touring a few cathedrals and popping into the same tourist shop that seems to replicate itself in various corners of the town, there’s very little to see and do.
There aren’t many organized tours (unless you join one that begins elsewhere on the island). If you want to stop by film locations, you better take directions with you because those aren’t readily available. There are two or three cafes throughout the entire city, so even if you want to take a break and grab something to eat, you’ll be fighting for the few available benches and chairs. On the day I went, there was a wedding inside the main cathedral, blocking any chances of my seeing the interior. Though, if you’re like me, after spending enough time in Europe, most of the cathedrals begin to blend together.
I so desperately wanted to see someone dressed like they were part of the Order of St. John. Or a member of the Knights Templar. I would have settled for a John Snow impersonator. But really, I wanted someone who could help make the history come alive. Sadly, the only performers to be found are over at Popeye Village on the Northwestern edge of the main island.
Home of the original filming location for the infamous Robin Williams flick, the film set acts as a kind of mini amusement park, with little games for kids, a restaurant (with theme park prices), a movie theater, and performers decked out like the title characters. While Olive Oil, with her burly Eastern European accent, was an interesting casting choice (as was the very skinny and very tatted-up Popeye), they at least chewed up the scenery, interacted with guests, and added some flavor, which was more than I could say for the other historic remains about Malta.
After a week on the main island, I returned to the airport and my Ryanair flight to Madrid feeling a bit underwhelmed. I’d hoped for beaches but found mostly rocks. I’d hoped for a wide spread of seafood but found hearty carbs (and plenty of rabbit) instead. I’d hoped for interactive history and storytelling, but instead, I only found a campy film set.
While Malta boasts plenty to see and experience, it’s not a destination I would recommend people travel exclusively to. Perhaps as a detour from Italy or Spain during a longer European vacation, but as a stand-alone trip, I feel all of the nation’s major selling points can be found at greater length in every other Mediterranean nation (and often for significantly less).
The writer will probably have the effect of convincing some people not to go to Malta, which just helps to create a little more open space for those of us who truly can appreciate the country. I'll be back to Malta again.