Rebecca Toy is a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist and supervisor with over 17 years of experience working with children and families. She’s also an annual survivor of multi-generational family vacations.
There is one absolute recipe for disaster on multigenerational family vacations: expecting a conflict-free getaway that everyone will gratefully love. Families today have such a desperate desire to travel and reconnect that we forget real issues that can have us at each other’s throats. Getting away from the daily grind gives us room to reinvent, but we pack stereotypes and habits right along with the toiletries. Don’t despair because there are still many ways to check expectations and use simple social science to make cherished memories.
Balance Relaxation and Adventure
The top complaint during family trips is not the matching shirts, it’s overplanning. There are two top travel benefits that all generations covet regardless of the type of trip: relaxing/reducing stress and having an exciting adventure. Cover these two things well, and your trip will be a hit. But most family trips fall victim to overscheduling as the planner tries to satisfy everyone. Introverts isolate, adults snap, and children’s joy takes on that frantic, aggressive edge that’s the warning shot for an epic meltdown.
This is not the trip to cross every item off a bucket list. Time together is amplified at every moment, and even eating meals together end up being favorite, vivid memories from family vacations. As Dr. Omar Sultan Haque, a Harvard University psychiatrist, and social scientist, explains, your memory works to make nostalgic meaning from the simple conversations, laughter, and time together—even if the experiences were simple or even frustrating.
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INSIDER TIPDo one engaging group experience a day, two at most. Then give the rest of your time to relaxation and spontaneity.
Look for Novelty
Some of us watch Ken Burns documentaries, and some of us binge TikTok. But research says our attention spans actually aren’t that different. We’re capable of far more than eight seconds; that’s simply how long we give it before deciding if something is important. Interest, not attention, is why very different things hook us.
So, the trick to successful family activities is to engage everyone past 8 seconds, and the solution is novelty. Our brains like new things and maybe even need new things. In our highly connected and visual world, classic site-seeing is not enough anymore. Seeing isn’t new. (Hello, virtual reality.) To snag today’s brains, you need to get physical. Take a group class. Skip the tour bus and take a walking tour. Get everyone’s hands and feet as busy as each person can manage.
INSIDER TIPDo something new and different for everyone. Focus on doing and not just “seeing.”
Reconsider Your Accommodation
The boom in home rentals has been a financial gift to large, traveling families. But before you book it, consider a few things. How much space do you usually share with extended family members? Are there people that struggle to get through a holiday meal without fighting? Do you have a lot of introverts that need time alone to recharge? If your children normally lean towards Lord of the Flies reenactments, do they have enough space to do so? Take off the rose-colored trip glasses and be honest. We don’t stop being ourselves just because we’re in a new place.
If you’re a multigenerational family that shares space often and already works through these issues, you are ready to book whatever you want. If not, get yourselves more walls and some outdoor space.
INSIDER TIPThere’s no shame in separation and privacy. Make sure everyone has enough space.
Technology Rules
Families fight about devices–a lot. Yet although the overwhelming common complaint in family therapy is that kids are on devices too much, if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us are plugged in. What matters more is when we’ve got noses in our smartphones. True to stereotype, Gen Z, many raised on phones since they can remember, believe phones belong in most situations. Even millennials are twice as likely as older generations to think a phone at the table is ok and three times as likely to think texting during a meal is fine. And nothing gets Grandma going quite like phones being out at dinner.
Grandma has a point. A Virginia Tech study shows even having a phone visibly out weakens communication and connection. It’s also unrealistic to ban devices and not have sulky teens (and parents). Everybody has to give a bit and focus on the overall goal of relaxing and having fun.
INSIDER TIPCompromise and communicate expectations well before going. Put devices up for main meals and specified activities and let the rest go.
Remember Limitations
Toddlers need naps. People with diabetes need to eat regularly. Knee replacements need rest. And 13-year-olds need to get away from everyone. These things are common sense in everyday life but are just as commonly forgotten on vacation. So, we keep pushing. We want to please others. We get caught up in the schedule. But we’re conditioned creatures and can use group-think to our advantage. Agree on breaks as a daily expectation for everyone, and no one will feel like they need to sacrifice their self-care.
INSIDER TIPCultures around the world build in mid-day siestas for a reason. Make it a predictable part of your afternoon schedule, and let people do what they need without guilt.
How to Split Up Without Hurt Feelings
Trying to spend all of our time together sets us up for failure, but splitting up can cause panic and angst. Rejection rears its ugly head, especially for those worried about everyone having a good time. But separation doesn’t mean failure. It’s actually a sign of a healthy family vacation. (Therapeutically, enmeshment is not healthy anywhere.)
Multigenerational vacation veterans know it’s one thing for everyone to agree on this beforehand. It’s another for everyone to manage the inevitable feelings that come up on vacation. Whether it’s a romantic outing for a couple or another museum for history lovers, be upfront, unapologetic, and kind in the split. Accountability goes a long way–let people know when they’ll see you next. And most importantly, even if you’re angry, don’t leave in a visible huff.
INSIDER TIPTaking breaks and splitting off is healthy. That’s a flexible family system. Be respectful and attend core activities, but be kind but clear about temporary splits. This is a secure attachment, the best kind of connection.
Sometimes we make things too hard. Yes, families are complex systems with their own rules that demand respect. Yet, ultimately, we all want the same things. We want to relax. We want to have an adventure. And we want to make memories together. Let go of “my trip,” embrace “our trip,” and just enjoy.