vacation time held hostage by my parents
Sep 9th, 2006, 06:51 PM
#1
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vacation time held hostage by my parents
My parents retired 5 years ago and moved 1000 miles away to Florida. My husband and I are only able to get away for one week of vacation per year and my parents expect us to spend that week with them. They live at least two hours from the nearest airport, beach, or attraction. They don't want us to leave their home and make us feel as though we're imposing by being there. They won't interact with our children. An example: after driving 20 hours they expected us to attend a neighbors party and then let us sleep only 2 hours before making us get up and acting as though we were sleeping in too late. We have to sleep in separate beds and they send the dog in to wake us if it is later than 7am.
Now they get mad if we want to go anywhere else on vacation.
Now to the question: Is there anyone else out there in this situation? How can we go on a different vacation without guilt or sneaking?
Now they get mad if we want to go anywhere else on vacation.
Now to the question: Is there anyone else out there in this situation? How can we go on a different vacation without guilt or sneaking?
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:04 PM
#6
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Thanks for your reply. We tried that (we're going to xyz) and they invited themselves along. We had to cancel the trip and make excuses. We also tried going someplace and telling them after the fact. They "punished" us by not speaking to us for two months. They are very overbearing. It is hard to know the right thing to do.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:04 PM
#7
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They sound awful. If they're as bad as they sound, why feel anything other than relief at staying away from them.
Grandparents that don't interact with their grandchildren are soooo low on my list of people I can bear. Ditch 'em.
Or how about going to a beach in Florida for your vacation week, and sacrificing just a day and night to visit them?
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:07 PM
#8
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Although you have a strong obligation to your parents, your duty to be a wife and mother for your family take precedent. You may feel bad in getting the cold shoulder, but eventually your parents will change if they want to be a part of your life.
To me, them not interacting with your children would be enough of a reason not to go (I missed that part on the first read through).
To me, them not interacting with your children would be enough of a reason not to go (I missed that part on the first read through).
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:08 PM
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tuscanlifeedit: thanks for the response. the last time we went we decided to stand up for ourselves and take a day to go to the beach. When we returned the following evening, they were sitting in the dark waiting for us and made the rest of the trip horrible.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:10 PM
#10
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You are an adult. Your parents can't "punish" you. They cannot hold you "hostage". They cannot make your life miserable. They cannot take your power.
YOU ARE GIVING THEM POWER over your lives.
If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.
You are causing harm to your children by allowing your parents who live 1000 miles away to control you as an adult. Believe me. You are damaging your children.
Grow up and be their parent - not your parents' child.
YOU ARE GIVING THEM POWER over your lives.
If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.
You are causing harm to your children by allowing your parents who live 1000 miles away to control you as an adult. Believe me. You are damaging your children.
Grow up and be their parent - not your parents' child.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:11 PM
#11
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I don't understand this- if it's so bad, then why not just leave? If my parents were acting rudely to my husband (I don't have kids), then I would leave. You have a family, and allowing them to treat your immediate family like this isn't fair to your family members.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:13 PM
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We also tried going someplace and telling them after the fact. They "punished" us by not speaking to us for two months.
__________________
Keep it up, it works when you act like adults. You can only be taken advantage of if you let happen.
__________________
Keep it up, it works when you act like adults. You can only be taken advantage of if you let happen.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:19 PM
#14
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66mustang, I'd like to suggest that you and your husband schedule a couple of sessions with a family counselor who could "coach" you through this situation. I'm not saying you need heavy duty counseling. That would be impossible to evaluate here, but it sure seems as if you could use some life coaching to help you see what your responsibility is/isn't to your parents.
If you decide to do this, please don't choose a name from the phonebook. Ask a trusted friend, clergyperson, or your MD for a reference.
If you decide to do this, please don't choose a name from the phonebook. Ask a trusted friend, clergyperson, or your MD for a reference.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:20 PM
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I'm glad you weren't offended. I will say it again...
If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.
I could tell you horror stories. I won't. Give your children the best gift you can give them. Model for them appropriate way to deal with manipulative and possibly malicious parents. Set boundaries. Stand by your boundaries. No matter what, protect your children. No matter what, do NOT let your children see your parents treat you as a child. No matter what, do not let your children hear your anguish as you make the transition to a healthier approach. See a therapist. Talk to a friend. Discuss it with your husband behind closed doors, but no matter what...
If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.
If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.
I could tell you horror stories. I won't. Give your children the best gift you can give them. Model for them appropriate way to deal with manipulative and possibly malicious parents. Set boundaries. Stand by your boundaries. No matter what, protect your children. No matter what, do NOT let your children see your parents treat you as a child. No matter what, do not let your children hear your anguish as you make the transition to a healthier approach. See a therapist. Talk to a friend. Discuss it with your husband behind closed doors, but no matter what...
If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:23 PM
#16
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Two other options I can think of are these:
It sounds like you feel obligated to see them but you could stay in a nearby hotel or motel, plan some activities on your own, with your family, and then plan some time to be with your parents.
OR
Take your one week of vacation wherever you want without consulting with or telling your parents and then invite them to visit you for at week at your home some other time.
I agree with the others that you're allowing them to treat you badly but on the other hand, they are your parents and it sounds like you don't get a chance to visit with each other very often.
It sounds like you feel obligated to see them but you could stay in a nearby hotel or motel, plan some activities on your own, with your family, and then plan some time to be with your parents.
OR
Take your one week of vacation wherever you want without consulting with or telling your parents and then invite them to visit you for at week at your home some other time.
I agree with the others that you're allowing them to treat you badly but on the other hand, they are your parents and it sounds like you don't get a chance to visit with each other very often.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:28 PM
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Depending on the situation, sometimes it's better not to visit one's parents. You can only do your best, but at some point if the relationship is still horribly toxic, you need to let go at least for a while.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:32 PM
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66mustang
You are taking the advice given here like a real woman. I know that you will rise to this challenge.
I want to add that these people can't be good for your children. My son knew that his paternal grandparents were not treating him in the same loving manner as his other grandparents, and asked me, at four years old, "Mommy, why dont Grandma and Grandpa J. love me like Nunnie and Poppa C. do?"
Trust me without telling you the rest that this story has a tragic ending, and you DO NOT want to live with a memory like that.
Please take care of yourself, your husband and your children. Your toxic parents are causing harm to your family.
Is there money involved? I have a very close friend who has let the money in her family interfere with protecting herself from abuse by her parents. She is now in her mid 40s, and is stunted, hurt, and crippled by this relationship. She would be better off working at McDonald's than letting their money and the hold on her that they've created with it ruin her life.
You are taking the advice given here like a real woman. I know that you will rise to this challenge.
I want to add that these people can't be good for your children. My son knew that his paternal grandparents were not treating him in the same loving manner as his other grandparents, and asked me, at four years old, "Mommy, why dont Grandma and Grandpa J. love me like Nunnie and Poppa C. do?"
Trust me without telling you the rest that this story has a tragic ending, and you DO NOT want to live with a memory like that.
Please take care of yourself, your husband and your children. Your toxic parents are causing harm to your family.
Is there money involved? I have a very close friend who has let the money in her family interfere with protecting herself from abuse by her parents. She is now in her mid 40s, and is stunted, hurt, and crippled by this relationship. She would be better off working at McDonald's than letting their money and the hold on her that they've created with it ruin her life.
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:33 PM
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I cannot imagine why you would feel guilty for refusing to visit people who treats you disrepectfully and are otherwise just totally unpleasant to visit.
The best thing to do is ignore them when they behave badly, otherwise you're encouraging them to continue...
The best thing to do is ignore them when they behave badly, otherwise you're encouraging them to continue...
Sep 9th, 2006, 07:36 PM
#20
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I'm sorry, but your parents sound like a nightmare. They treat you like crap.
The solution to their antics when you visit is simple: don't visit them. If they complain, as I'm sure they will, tell them why. Don't give them excuses, just tell them straight up what you've already posted here. And dear God, don't invite them to your place. If it's that bad when you visit them, imagine how much worse it would be if they came to your home and you couldn't get them to leave. Yikes!
You can tell them beforehand about going on a different vacation, but I don't know why you'd give them details so they can "invite themselves along". A state or (large) geographic area is about as specific as I'd get in terms of telling them a location.
The solution to their antics when you visit is simple: don't visit them. If they complain, as I'm sure they will, tell them why. Don't give them excuses, just tell them straight up what you've already posted here. And dear God, don't invite them to your place. If it's that bad when you visit them, imagine how much worse it would be if they came to your home and you couldn't get them to leave. Yikes!
You can tell them beforehand about going on a different vacation, but I don't know why you'd give them details so they can "invite themselves along". A state or (large) geographic area is about as specific as I'd get in terms of telling them a location.
