We?re trying to decide if we should postpone our vacation. We have reservations on Southwest to travel from the WDC area on the 22nd to visit friends in Phoenix for four days. Just a small vacation, but desperately needed! However, I just found out last night that one of hosts' four dogs, who is very old, is on her last legs and needs to be put to sleep. She falls, is incontinent, etc. Ally told me that although the vet told them some time ago that the dog?s increasingly poor quality of life should be considered by them, her husband Brad just hasn?t been able to do it. Brad is a really, really big dog lover and takes in strays and actively participates in anti-animal testing campaigns, etc. (no, not PETA). Yesterday, Brad e-mailed me a heart-wrenching story entitled ?How Could You?? which is basically about putting a faithful friend to sleep. After talking to Ally, I now know why he sent it. The problem is that my husband strongly feels that if Brad puts the poor dog down on the 21st, the day before we arrive, which is what Ally told me may happen, Brad will be inconsolable and very depressed for our visit. So, he?s hoping Brad won?t take the dog in to be euthanized until after we leave. I say it doesn?t matter either way, Brad (and Ally) are upset now that the dog is in such bad shape and their emotions are just something we?ll have to deal with. At this point, getting a hotel instead of staying with them would seem rude, plus we haven?t budgeted for it. I just don?t know what to do.

For some reason, all my apostrophes turned into question marks when I posted my message - sorry for the hard read, I should have reviewed it first!

I think a lot depends on how close you are to this couple. Would your presence be an aid and comfort to them, or would it be an extra strain on them to have guests when they're under such emotional stress?

Stay home.....a vacation? Not with friends in the shape you describe.Let them get their grieving behind them and then visit them later.

That's a good question. My husband grew up with Brad, and although they don't stay in really close touch, he does consider him a dear friend. I have only met Ally once, when they stayed with us for a week two years ago, but we got along quite well.

Why not pose the question to your friends? ie: "We are feeling that this would be a very bad time to impose on you. Would it be better if we postponed our visit? Its no inconvenience to us to reschedule." By giving them the out, you will have your answer as to how depressing a visit might be. If they insist you visit at this time, at least they are aware that you think they will be depressed (or depressing) and it might temper their actions during your visit.

If Brad is inconsolable, it wouldn't be a good time to go. Postpone your trip. The wife may even be trying to tell you this, but is too polite to come right out and say so. OR at least stay in a hotel, which I don't think would be rude, but considerate.

If you do end up going perhaps you could be prepared to do sightseeing on your own during the day. Offer to cook dinner and have quiet evenings at home with them. Above all, understand that they are about to lose a very loved member of their family. Tell them it is ok to grieve and that they shouldn't feel foolish about being emotional over a pet. Brad needs to understand that euthanisia is a gift we can give to our animals. Impossibly hard for us to make the decision but a path out of suffering for our pets.

Thank you all so much for the advice. Birdie, your suggestions are very helpful. I just sent Brad an email telling him that Ally had told me what was up, extending our sympathies and I used your words about euthanasia being a gift to our suffering pets. I also offered to either postpone our trip, stay in a hotel, or, if he thought our presence would be comforting, to gladly still come and stay with them and not make nuisances of ourselves. I'll let you know what he says.

I'm not sure how to say this without appearing rude, but I guess you're not very close friends with these people? I can't imagine not being able to pick up a phone and ask them how they'd feel. You can offer to delay the trip, offer to stay somewhere else so they won't be "inconvenienced", or whatever. But I can't imagine good friends not being able to discuss such things with each other.

If anyone cares, Brad is insisting that we still come and stay with them. He says he is spending as much time with the sick dog as possible before he puts her down next week and thinks that our visit will be just the distraction he needs. When I talk to Ally, I will confirm with her whether we or not we should really come. I have noted some nearby hotels though, just in case. Thanks again for everyone's input.

Brad needs to understand that sometimes we have to be the strong people and decide when our pet's quality of life is more of a burden to the animal than a blessing to the owner. It is hard but the animal cannot do this for itself. I made a point of going to see my sister the day after she had to put her Irish setter down--it was the best thing to do. Took her mind off of her loss and had my BIL's thanks. Both of our sons have just had to put their beloved dogs down this past week--it is just a fact of life of owning a pet. Brad is perhaps unrealistic in his outlook on the end of life of which death is a part.

Johanna1: Please tell Brad we understand his dilema, as the 'mom' of an 18y/o Westie I am coming to this decision myself. This was my Father's pet and a comforting companion to him in the last years of his life, Dad has been gone 5 years. I think Birdie's reply was excellent, and very correct on how it is a gift. As an RN I feel we are more humane to our animals than to ourselves by allowing to relieve their suffering in this way. And anyone who wants to bash me for saying so, spend a day in my shoes, and bash me in another thread, not here. Please send Brad and Ally my condolences.

Something that may help when faced with the hardship of having to put a loved one to sleep. It helped my mother-in-law. IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand.
Don't let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years.
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer so;
The time has come -- please let me go.

Take me where my need they'll tend,
And please stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve -- it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years;
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

--- Anonymous ---


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I can't help but wonder why Brad it insisting on waiting until the 21st to help the poor, sick dog. That's just plain selfish, IMO. (and yes, I have cats and dogs that are my family, and I've had to face this dilemma. It's hard, but better to let the beloved friend go than have them living in pain and humiliation.)

jkgourmet - I'm not sure what you're referring to with "insisting on waiting till the 21st" but you might want to look at the original message and realize that it was written January 16 of last year! I have no idea why it got topped today, but it's old.

Yeah, I missed that too. But I have an excuse. I'm a husband. I was trying to help and as usual opened my fodors too soon.

Smokyboy, it was a lovely poem and I appreciate the time it took for you to bring it to our attention. As for my confusion on the dates - My bad.

I would not want to spend money or vacation time, staying with someone who is watching a beloved pet die..or have it die while I am there, or waiting to put it to sleep when I leave.
I had an 18 year old cat die, I could not go out to dinner with friends afterwards, I cannot imagine how upset these people will be!
If you say you desperately need a vacation, how can you want to go sit with a dying pet? and its grieving people?
And to tell you the truth, I would hate it if someone I had invited to stay in better times, still showed up when I was in the middle of something so sad and heartwrenching.
There seems to be a tiny bit of selfishness on both sides here..if you don't mind me saying so.
You want your holiday and they want you to stay. But no one is going to have much fun. Especially the dog.

I say, ,make an excuse or tell the truth and either stay in a hotel or postpone your vacation.

Johanna, I sympthise, I really do. It is hard to lose a pet - as they are part of the family and not just a dog, cat etcetra. I expect Brad will come to a decision in his own time and will do the very best for the animal.

Your husband, perhaps, could attempt to put himself in Brad's shoes and then, instead of fretting over this, just ask what Brad and Ally would prefer you to do. If they are friends, you can ask them anything and they will reply honestly. No-one envisaged this happening, it's just one of things, so you just have to go with the flow. You might just take Brad's mind off it, or he may not feel like being around anyone. Unless you ask, you won't know because no-one is walking in Brad's shoes, but Brad and grief is different for everyone.

I hope everything works out for all of you - including the poor dog. If you go, please go with a positive frame of mind and don't feel as if you have to walk on egg-shells. That wouldn't be pleasant for anyone,would it?

Good luck.