I would like to invite a group to travel to NYC to celebrate a birthday. I would like to pay for 1 night hotel, dinner, a show and transportation. Transportation would entail driving 4 hours each way. The trip is to celebrate my DD's 13th birthday and the group would be us, 3 of her friends and their moms (who are all my friends). The trip would be my gift to my daughter. The trip would be more fun if we stayed 2 nights but the expense would be too much for me to handle alone.

Is it in bad taste to invite a group on a trip but not pay for the entire expense (ie the 2nd hotel night plus meals)? My gut tells me to just extend the invitation for what I can afford (1 hotel night etc) and not worry about whether the trip is long enough. Plus I don't want to make anyone feel obligated to take on an expense that they are not comfortable with. 2 of 3 families can easily afford any extra expense, for 1 it will be tougher.

I would love to hear everyone's opinion on how they would feel about receiving such an invitation. Which is worse, asking a group to drive a long distance and stay a short time or to stay longer but add to the cost?

Lay it out on the table and let them decide.

Your analysis is correct; I have noticed that Miss Manners doesn't have kind things to say about people who throw a party with the expectation that others will pay part of the cost or bring presents.

Could you afford a hotel one night in NYC and one night outside the city? Teenagers might find it fun to spend one night at a motel which has a pool. You could order pizza, or go to a fast food restaurant for dinner.

I think if you approached it by putting it the way you did in the post, "I want to plan a special bday for my daughter in NYC by having an overnight there with you, X, Y and their girls--would you be interested in going?"

If a close friend asked me this way, I wouldn't be offended. I'm sure you will be tactful so I say tell them what you're thinking about doing and see how they even feel about the idea.

How would you feel if 2 friends were up for going but the other one felt it too much of a strain/ Would you feel comfortable quietly offering to pick up their expenses for the 2nd night??

BTW, that sounds like such a great bday for your daughter. Wanna adopt a 13++++ year old??

If I were to receive the invitation, I'd be inclined to go if the deal included at least 2 nights stay. And I'd gladly pick up the transportation and the meal if you were paying for the hotel and the show. Maybe someone knows a suite hotel that would help you defray costs.

I think a four-hour drive two days in a row is too much to ask of someone, regardless of what prize awaits them at the other end.

I'm with GT on this. Let your friends know that you (and budget) would love to take everyone for one night but that if they would like to stay for a second then everyone can chip in.

And heck - you want to adopt another Mom?? I'm available!! Plus I'll chip in too!!

Thanks for your comments.

I've been thinking I could skip the show and use that money to pay for the extra night. I would still have room in the budget for admission to a few museums (which these girls would actually like - they are not your typical teenagers) plus there's other freebies like that Staten Island ferry. It still could be great fun.

We ran into a sort of similar situation here at work when one of our long-time colleagues/friends retired last year. We let her family in Scotland know that we were planning a party and invited them to come - as a surprise to the guest of honour. In addition to a day-long open house, which we paid for, we organized dinner at a nearby pub for her family and close friends. It seemed a bit crass to invite people and then point out that dinner would be at their own expense, but we were in no position to pay that tab, so we just said "We would love to be able to treat everyone, but that just isn't possible. Here is the price range for dinner; please join us, and if we win the lottery in the meantime, we will advise everyone." People took it in very good grace and we had a full house and a great time.

That would be an excellent compromise.

Actually two days in a row driving 4 hours is just too much for many people. You might not have had all "takers" on that schedule.

But you still will have to do like GO suggests, and put a lot of the detail on the table. That way there will be no misunderstandings or assumptions. Maybe someone else will make the "show"
suggestion. With polite enthusiasm, it's very possible.

Regardless you will all have a great time!

I don't know when you are planning the trip for, but you can get some really good deals on hotels in the city. You might try the Hotel Grand Union on E. 32nd St. A room there is about $125 a night.

Also check priceline and www.hotels.com for deals and comparisons of hotel amenities.

The Travel Inn on W 42nd St, has free parking is right off the west side highway and close to Times Square. There is also an outdoor pool. Last time I looked the rates were around $150 a night.

Hope this helps have a great time

I agree that I'll have to explain in detail what I am planning because inevitably it will involve some expense for each family even if its minimal.

I checked the Travel Inn and they appear to be booked for when we want to go but I'm going to call the hotel directly. We're going in Nov.

i think as long as you are very very clear upfront about what is paid for and what is not, what is the schedule, etc. it's fine.

I guess I am just old fashioned enough to believe that if you invite people to a party/dinner/hotel/show/Whatever YOU pay for it. Perhaps you should just take your daughter and the two of you "do the town" for 2 days instead of trying to take along friends, etc.

Anytime money comes into play trouble can be brewing and friendships can go down the drain fairly fast.

I would resent being asked to participate in a party (any kind) and then told "your share is $____. Not cool at all.

I personally would be hesitant in going for only one night if it took 4 hours to drive each way - that's a lot of travel time.

I think the best suggestion so far has been your own to not do the show, and use that money for the second night's cost. While seeing a show would be great, there are so many other things in NYC that you could do that are not as expensive.

Other than that, I also like the suggestion of doing it just with your daughter and yourself. Either way would make it memorable for your daughter - a special weekend with just the two of you, or a weekend "bash" with her friends.

She's very lucky to have her mother want to do something so special for her.

At the risk of sounding very old-fashioned and stodgy...you host, you pay.

While I think the idea is lovely, I can't help but wonder why you are considering such a lavish outing for a 13-year-old's birthday if it will cause financial hardship.

I have not read all of the posts but will respond. Stick to one overnight stay. One or two of them might not want to be away for two days and not want to pay for the extra day, and they might not want to tell you that they don't want the extra day because they're afraid to be seen as a money starved party pooper. Just getting three of your friends and their daughters to take a day away from home on a certain date for you is enough to ask.

Bennie,

I think your idea of hosting the outing and foregoing the theater is a great idea. There is so much to do in NYC that you could easily spend a busy week there without going to a Broadway so, and no show can match two days exploring the city.

Also, I think you are wise to take on this expense. Your DD and her friends will never forget the treat you provided.

Happy Trails

I like the idea of doing 2 nights and skipping the show in favor if free and/or inexpensive activities.

I'm in the Lori and xxxx camp (nice place, BTW). Asking people to pay is asking for trouble. There are a million reasons why. For instance:
1. If one can't afford it, imagine how that kid will feel when the other buddies get to go (and later talk about all the fun they had).
2. It's just not cool to host a party and ask people to pay, unless you're in college and broke.
3. It puts people in an awkward position. You're not just dealing with them; you're dealing with their kids. So no matter how sincere you seem, they'll feel strange if they say no.

There are other reasons, but that ought to be enough.

Thanks to all for your comments. I'm definately in the camp of "I am the host so I pay". And none of this will cause any real financial hardship - I just like to stick to a budget.

And as far as the lavish comment - its a very fair comment and I have concerns about this also. Not because of any possible financial hardship on my part, but because I don't want to set a tone for any of my daughters friends or classmates will feel compelled to compete with. I want to do something special for her as she didn't get to go on a trip I took earlier in the year with my younger daughter.

Maybe this is all too complicated and maybe I will just do the trip with just her. These comments are helping identify the pitfalls of extending such an invitation and I appreciate the candidness expressed here.