Now that destination weddings have become so popular, I'm hearing more and more about destination birthday, anniversary, or non-occasion parties. What is the proper etiquette for these events? Can you invite people under the premise that they pay their own travel expenses? What if you just want to throw a b-day party on a Caribbean island... Can you just pay for the party, or do people expect you to pay their lodgings?
And finally, has anyone ever thrown a successful one at a highly recommended place? If I ever do this, I'd have to consider some place that would be accommodating to ages 5-75, and offer deals for many different financial circumstances. I'd rather fly someplace warm in May, but have a feeling it would be more "inclusive" if I chose something within a days drive from New England.
It sounds like such fun, but I'm not sure logistically possible.
Any words of advice or experience would be helpful! Thanks in advance.

When Oprah did this, she paid for everything and everybody! If you do the inviting to a place you know most cannot afford, you might be dissapointed by the turnout. How many people are you thinking of inviting?

Oh, to be Oprah!
Where did they go?

Well, off hand, I can think of about 30 adults. Then a smattering of kids, teens, and "seniors." So, maybe 50?

I guess it's just too indulgent.
I wonder how you phrase the invitation. "Please spend your own time and money to spend a weekend with me." Very pathetic. Sorry I posted! Is there a rewind button on this site?

Seriously, though, I guess my options are to just throw a party - or narrow it down to just a few couples and rent a house somewhere.

Any other thoughts?

If you invite, you pay.

Can you imagine booking enough space for...let's just say 20 people. You'll have to guarantee with your credit card. I'd be terrified of the hard feelings that would crop up when folks didn't pay "their share" of the room, meals, etc. A birthday dinner out at a restaurant for 20 people has never worked smoothly in my experience unless someone is willing to pay the entire tab (and that makes some folks uncomfortable) or pay the slack for those that chipped in $12.34 for "their" part of the meal (and they never seem to include drinks and gratuitiy). Sounds like an accident...with hard feelings...ready to happen.

If you can afford to pay for it all (destinatin party), go for it!

For destination weddings and parties, you send out 'Save The Date' cards. You then will get an idea who can and who cannot attend.

As to who pays for what, use common sense. If you pick an expensive hotel and your guests have meager incomes, don't expect a big turnout.

For a destination wedding, I would advise the groom's family to invite all out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner. That way they are getting two meals paid for.

You are much better off doing something low key for the rehearsal dinner for everyone than doing a sit down for just the bridal party and family.

Again, it all comes down to whether or not you can afford it and whether or not your guests can afford the expense.

Etiquette is that the guest pays for own accommodations and incidentals. The bride and groom should at least provide an in room gift basket at the very minimum.

Go Today, she is not asking about destination weddings. She's asking about a destination birthday, anniversary or "non-occasion" parties.

Maybe you should consider a theme based party held locally instead. If it is a special BD you could, for instance, have tropical decorations, food, music, etc. either catered in or out - depending on your budget.

As far as Oprah is concerned, I don't remember the location of her party, but I do remember drooling over the extravagence!

For destination parties, the guest still pays for their room and you need to send out 'Save The Date' cards.

Oprah also helped a sandwich shop remain in business because she liked the chicken curry sandwich. The surprised owner received a check for an "undisclosed sum" the next day.

Oprah also had a show on last week about people drowning in debt and started with a couple that was $50,000 in debt 9 months into their wedding. The biggest chunk was their "destination wedding" in the Caribbean.

Oprah also pointed out "what in the world did the guests think and feel" when their friends are serving steak, champagne and lobster dinner on the beach? How can they afford to fly us down for this wedding and we are barely able to make ends meet".

We've gone from fairy-tale weddings to fairy-tale parties. Scares me that we are no longer trying to keep up with the Jonese...now, we are trying to keep up with Oprah!

She would NOT be pleased.

Thanks! Some good ideas here. I like the "Save the Date" idea. And the in-room gift baskets sound lovely.

Gracie, I would certainly pay for the party itself! Not to be splitting the bill or something crazy like that. I just didn't know if it was tacky not to pay the airfare and the hotel rooms. Maybe renting a house is better, and then people can drive or pay their own airfare.

From initial reactions, I'm guessing the whole idea is tacky. I tend to search for excuses to reunite friends and family who live far away. I was thinking a b-day party or extended family reunion might be fun. But again, I think logistically improbable.

Do resorts rent out on a "day rate?" I suppose you could do a birthday party like a summer office outing... Maybe find something around Newport that most people could make a day trip out of - or could find accommodations for themselves if they so desired. Hmmm... I'll ponder that awhile!

Uh, Gracie,
Hope you're not thinking I'm trying to keep up with Oprah - or even the Jones'. Just looking to plan an event that would be fun, different, and inclusive. And looking for suggestions as to how to make that work in the Travel arena.

Sorry to be such a skeptic, Dreamer2. I certainly don't want to burst your bubble.

I guess I've "hosted" too many business functions. It's not my Amex card, but there's been too many times that RSVP'd guests just don't show up. You still have to pay for the event and for the number of guests you guaranteed for.

You could throw your own party at a nearby resort and have people drive/fly in and make their own decisions. It is normal for hotels to have a group rate that they will honor for reservations for a certain time prior to the event. But for the party, someone (you?) will need to be ready to pay for the event. I would not be comfortable asking folks to chip in $29 per person for the party or whatever the cost for the menu options might be.

Do some research. Visit a nearby hotel and take a look at their catering menus or ask for one to be faxed to you. If you've not done this before, you will be shocked at the prices.

For an afternoon cookie break one conference center was charing $10.50 per person for 1 cookie and soda per person. With 250 attendees and knowing full well that many guests would be grabbing more than one cookie, the cost was incredible. Over $3000 to buy cookies and sodas.

I co-hosted an event with 3 others, one of which is extremely wealthy. I called the event location and got their quotes and discussed with the other 2 with a similar pocketbook. We came up with a consensus and approached the 4th. Our proposal - we can affort $x and it includes the following menu items. Would you like for us to give you 1/4 of that amount and you deal with the catering manager to finalize the menu? The offer was eagerly accepted. Three of us paid what we could afford the the 4th could upgrade to create a very lavish event that fit their pocketbook. All were happy (including the honorees) and there were no hurt feelings or empty pocketbooks!

Good luck! Just do some research and see what you can afford.

I seem to be in the minority among acquaintances - but I find "destination" anythings to be rather presumptive - like everyone, our time and money are finite - and how we as a family chose to spend our time and money generally does not include travel to the wedding, birthday, etc. of someone else.

We love to travel and chose to prioritize our spending so we can afford to go many interesting places. However, I can't see happily, for example, cancelling our wish to go to Bermuda in order to attend someones birthday party in another place, even at the same cost.

It is probably totally impractical for the host to pay for all expenses of guests, but I agree with those who say - you invite, you pay.

Only exception is the situation where several people/families decide to vacation together and split the cost in an equitable manner.

I have to agree with Gail here. Aside from the obvious who pays for what issue, there is also the issue of time imposition. It's one thing to spend an evening or afternoon celebrating a friend's birthday or anniversary. But unless you are the very closest of friends, why would you assume that people would be willing to give up a whole weekend to go somewhere they weren't planning to go at their own expense?

One thing I plan to do in the next couple years, if our friends and families would just quit having babies is to send out a mass email essentially saying "we plan to vacation in Italy next summer. We'd love to share this special experience with our friends and family, so if you've considered going to Italy as well, please come join us. We can all rent a villa together and share the expense, which will be lower than if we all got separate hotel rooms. Etc, etc." This way no pressure, it's clear that they would be responsible for their expenses, yet you'd be able to spend time with some of your friends and family in a fun locale of your choosing.

Your idea to get family/friends together is not tacky.

People host family reunions all the time that involve travel, time and expense. Rather than researching destinations and price per head and all that, how about talking to your friends/family members and get their feedback, then go from there.

Now, if this is your own birthday party; to invite people and expect them to take time off work, pay travel expenses, etc. then yes, it will be perceived as self-indulgent, tacky and presumptive, unless of course you and your friends/family are wealthy and routinely do these types of things.I don't mean to sound harsh but I know what kind of reaction you'll get--I was married in the Caribbean (and divorced in the good ole USA-funny no one bitched about the invite to that!) and no matter what you do, some people are going to resent it.

More importantly, remnember that the reason you are 'hearing more and more' about destination weddings, birthdays, aniversaries, theme parties, etc. is because the travel industry marketers want you to.

I'm very surprised this hasn't been brought up yet, but what about a cruise? I've received invitations to join people on a cruise that's celebrating a wedding or a birthday, obviously giving them months to save and join in. Norwegian Dawn sails from Boston for 7 nights to FL & Bahamas (my parents loved it and I got them a balcony rm. for $1,000/pp). Also another that goes to Bermuda. Newport is beautiful, but the rooms there are so expensive.

Okay, bad idea.
I'll just see if my immediate circle of 3-4 couples wants to plan a long-weekend get-away together. (I'll propose a couple logical choices, such as a cruise from NYC to Bermuda as suggested above, or a stay at an semi-inclusive such as Mohonk House that most could drive to, or rent a house.) If they are up for it, great! I'll treat them all to a Happy Birthday To Me dinner at one end or the other of the trip that's not "included."
If they are not interested in the trip, I'll throw a big bash near home for anybody who can make it.
I'm not usually this self-indulgent. I just want to be surrounded by loved-ones on my next "significant" b-day, which is still a couple years away, and had hoped to incorporate some sort of family reunion at the same time.
But I concede, if I'm not paying for the whole shebang, it's just not a good idea.
Thanks for all your input!

Well, call me tacky, but I just threw a very successful "destination" birthday party for my husband earlier this year in Key West. I did not pay for lodging and transportation for my guests.

What I did about 9 months out was send a "save the date" announcement. It was along the lines of "if you're considering your vacation plans for next year, think about a long weekend in Key West." Very low key, low pressure, but I chose an especially attractive destination but not one that was too difficult to reach. I didn't expect many people to come, but those that did (9 of them) were pleased to be invited and included. A couple of the couples said they'd never been to KW, wanted to go but never got around to it, and this was the perfect excuse to do it.

When it came time for the party, I made it an almost-all-day event, and was very lavish in my spending to let everyone know I appreciated their coming down. I chartered a tour boat for our exclusive use for an afternoon/sunset cruise, catered it with really nice wine, and then paid for a very pricey dinner at a well-regarded restaurant. I also handed out very nice party favors.

When you have friends and relatives scattered all across the country, I'm not sure a "destination" wedding or party is all that different from holding one in your own hometown. Some, if not all, of the guests are going to have to travel if they want to attend. I've been to lots of out-of-town weddings for which I've paid my own way -- so it didn't matter whether it was in Podunk Hometown or somewhere else. I certainly never expected my hosts to pay my way, and did not consider it tacky for them not to pay.

In some ways, there have always been "destination parties," in one form or another: family reunions at any place other than the "ancestral" town; shared holidays (like the one Jocelyn is planning); and certainly cruises on which a group of friends or relatives go together. And I remember at least one party at the Chatham Bars on Cape Cod, to which my parents were invited with some notation on the card something like, "group rate will be available to those wishing to spend a night or two." Most people didn't want to drive back home in the evening, and many made it a long weekend.

But the difference between more casual get-togethers and "destination" weddings or specific events (birthday, anniversary) is that there is always a level of obligation felt by those invited to either accept or come up with a good reason why not. Traditionally, traveling far from home to go to someone's wedding was part of the deal if the bride's hometown was at a distance -- you either regretted and padded the budget for the gift, or you sucked it up and traveled.

When there's that kind of obligation, then it is a kind of imposition to expect them to spend their resources -- vacation days and money -- to go where someone else has chosen, or else miss the fun. The only way to reduce the sense of imposition is if it's as free and no-pressure as Jocelyn's invitation is.

Dreamer2, if I were you, I would take an informal poll (by phone or in person) asking your potential guests if they might be interested in joining you (not "attending" -- that makes it sound too formal and too obligating) for the b-day party you're planning in the Caribbean. That way you'll get a rough idea of how many would be interested in coming and how many would hesitate or be short of money to go. That spares people from getting a written invitation to something they can't possibly go to but would feel obliged to send a present, etc. etc.

Also that will give you a heads-up if someone very important to you would have a problem (so that you could maybe help out). You aren't obliged to pay transport and lodging, but you need to make clear from the very start how it would work ("wanna share a cottage?" "there are several possible places to stay"). If you've got a few extra bucks, of course, any hospitality you can extend would be all the more gracious BUT YOU MUST pay for the party you throw, at the very least... and it would be gracious to pay for something else, say a special activity or a brunch.