Ski Season Tips

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

Another tip:

Take your lift ticket of your jacket zipper at the end of the trip. Only complete geeks (and some novices) walk around at home all winter with the ticket still on so people will know they went skiing. (You know who you are).

Hay if you live in a major city and don't have the wire cutters to set free those suckers you are stuck!!!

This was hilarious! Thank you for the good laugh! The part about going to the bathroom was especially appreciated if you are a woman with a sweater on over bib overalls!!!!

There's seems to be a geographical preference about lift tickets. People from the mid-Atlantic states are the most prone to leave their lift tickets on, pasting new ones on top until they have a big clump.
West Coasters think it's completely tacky. The point may be moot someday as more resorts go to computer chips instead. I had my first experience with those at Willamette Pass in Oregon and love it. You can buy a single lift ride, a whole day's ride, a certain amount of vertical feet, etc., and it's all programmed onto a chip you wear on a velcro wrist strap. There are scanners built into little gates at the end of the lift line, so the lift attendants don't have to bother with checking your ticket.