Marcy

To all parents of toddlers:

My son, his wife and 3 yr. old daughter may go to DisneyWorld next Christmas, with her brother, his wife and their 4 yr. old daughter, and my daughter-in-law's father. We have never been away from our son on Christmas - and to be honest, I think I'll feel hurt if they aren't with us for Christmas (we only have one child), or if they do go away, don't invite us to go with us.

This would be the only time of the winter that the two couples have the time to get away (from the Northeast) to do this - but I can't imagine Christmas without my son.

Am I being selfish? Should we invite ourselves or try to find something else to do, even though we'll be heartbroken? We live in South Carolina, son is in Maine but we visit about every three months, at least, and have excellent relationship, in general.

What do you young couples think? What would you say to your parents in this situation?

shopper

Marcy, Disney is so big that unless you plan on doing things together you can have a wonderful time just the two of you and then plan activity time with the rest of the gang.

I would give them a hint that you would love to see Disney sometime .....and Christmas there is amazing, everything is dressed to the 9's in holiday attire.

Have a great time, ......go.....

jwagner

Tough question. If you have a really good relationship with your kids it shouldn't be hard to broach the subject. Just prepare yourself for a letdown. Maybe you should tell them that you will understand either way but, in interest of family tradition, you'd love to tag along. Maybe you can mention that you'd be happy to watch the youngsters at night if they want to do some adult clubbing (Disney World has some great adult activities). And, if you have the money, offer to pay for the tickets or something. If Christmas is a great experience at your house, I'm sure the kids will want granny and grandpa to tag along. Good luck.

Joy in VA

South Carolina? GO! Tell them you would love to go, who will be in charge of making reservations, & where will they stay? You can get places close together, and plan on get-together for a meal or party like another poster suggested, and baby-sitting should be welcomed too - sitters run around $6 to $8 hourly in Orlando. PS before we had kids, my husband & I alternated between parents for the holidays. I announced to everyone concerned when I became pregnant the first time, that it was the END of our holiday travels - now anyone who wants to visit can come to OUR house, since I am not going to drag my child away from home on Christmas. so maybe this plan is a way for them to avoid the decision fo which relative to be with on the holidays, maybe?

Ann

This ain't Dear Abby....it's a travel forum.

What an obvious troll!

beenthere

Hmm.
I'd say you are butting in. I hated the holidays with my in-laws when we were first married just because I knew they would feel hurt if we weren't around. It wasn't any fun. We had to skirt around it, but we really wanted to establish our own thing. It was more of a chore than a desire, at that time. So hard that the fear of displeasing my parents and inlaws prevented us from really thinking for ourselves. Like the last person said, we also set down the rule - Christmas is in our house. Our kids wake up in their own home Christmas morning- anyone is welcome to join in.

When we were young and just wed, vacation time was so precious, money not always handy. I resented having to plan and take a vacation/holiday/weekend with the folks - even though I loved them. When will it be my turn to do what I want?

20+ years later I still don't forget my feelings back then, and look for signs in my kids that I am going over the line. Now, we've done the alone-vacations; kids are older (no Santa), and we now WANT to be with the folks. We actually plan the trips and look forward to them..... I guess the moral for this is it was on my own terms...

My mother-in-law once told me, even before I was married, never take her daughter away from her at Christmas. The one year we went to my family, we had the coldest day-after-Christmas celebration. No spirit. They were actually hurt. I still remember saying to myself I am not responsible for their feelings!!! (that was the great advice from college psyc class). I also remember having a big fight with my wife over this because I said only "uneducated proles" would be hurt - don't they love their kids - if they were better people they would have wanted to see us anytime and be glad to see us.

By my length of this, you rekindled some old thoughts.

Donna

It's just possible, particularly given the long advance "notice", that they either want to "do something different" for Christmas or think spending a Christmas in WDW would be fabulous and are giving you time to prepare yourself for not having them around that year. It is great fun to the grandparents, though, to watch the granchildren enjoy DisneyWorld. You might want to approach your son or daughter-in-law and ask, whomever you feel would have the most open discussion and say, "We'd really love to join you but will understand if you'd rather go with just her brother and his family." If you receive a vague answer or no answer, as opposed to "Of course,we'd love to have you along", it's probably best to just extend your wishes for a terrific trip.

Casey

I love grandparents! They should be LUCKY ENOUGH to have you there. I say go and do your own thing if you have to, but at least you can spend Xmas Day or Eve with them. DO IT!

Daughter-in-law

First thought: Get used to having your son's family alternate Christmases one year with her family, the next with his family, then her family, his family, etc., esp. as long as there are preteen grandchildren involved. It's hard, but remember your own young-family years. Did you have a mother-in-law?

Second thought: we _are_ responsible for our family's feelings, beenthere, and they _do_ love their children -- that's why they want to be with them on Christmas. Christmas as empty-nesters is a dismal, dismal time without family around.

Third thought: Why not approach them both (not just your son -- make sure to consult d-i-law) and tell them you understand that the plans were made for that side of the family but they really sounded like fun, so how would they feel about sharing just a day or so of the party with you (you are so close...).

Emphasize that you'd maybe spend only one day (or less) and/or _part_ of Christmas Day with them -- and offer to act as host for one celebratory event, like Christmas eve dinner or Christmas morning brunch.

Then give them a graceful "out," like saying: "...or if that's just not going to work, can we plan definitely on next Christmas for the whole gang?"

Be ready to let them take that "out" gracefully, without feeling too crestfallen yourselves. Again, remember your young married days. If it makes you feel better, you could also make a firm plan to see them over New Year's so you'll have that to look forward to.

ilisa

You should broach the subject of going along on the trip, but as someone mentioned, be prepared for a letdown. Don't force yourself on them. Perhaps you weren't invited because they didn't think you would enjoy it. However, if they say no, let it be. You need to come to grips with the fact that your son has other family now. Christmas no longer belongs exclusively to you.

xxx

not travel - a troll - but that being said - if they had wanted you to go, too they would have asked - cut the apron strings and get used to holidays with sonny

Red Riding Hood

People, people, Marcy already knows that the issue is getting used to the idea of a son-less Christmas. Even if one knows it's inevitable, it's a sad prospect. Cut her some slack and quit wagging your uncompassionate fingers at her. Ease up. She's got the picture already. Some people just love to dictate that others rub their own noses in miserable truths. Other people aren't the only ones who get older.

Cindy

Marcy, I have a similar situation in that my husband's parents live closer and see the children more than my own parents do. We deal with this by alternating visits to each side of the family for the holidays.

My opinion is that it would be best to yield and allow your son's family to spend time exclusively with the other side of the family. Some years ago, my in-laws used to gently suggest that they be included in activities on the rare occasions when my side of the family was around. I got the impression that my parents did not like this. My parents were trying to bond with my children, and which was more difficult if the other set of grandparents (that the kids knew better) were also there.

Your son clearly knows you will be alone with your husband during the holidays, and has declined to include you in the Disney plans. I think it might be best to accept this and start making your own holiday traditions for the years that do not include your grandchildren.

Good luck.

sss.

We have traveled to Disneyworld with our young kids and my husband's parents twice. Both times they asked if they could come along on our trip. Both times we had a great time. My husband's parents are very easy to get along with, and even though my mother-in-law is wheel chair bound with MS, she is a pretty cool woman who knows how to go with the flow and and not crowd our space too much. I don't mind in the least if they nicely ask if they can join us on any trip.

My mom, on the other hand, has asked several times if she can join us. My dad doesn't like to travel - so if we take mom along she doesn't have anyone else to be with - Also she takes control of the trip, worries constantly, belittles our parenting and our children and in short - makes things pretty miserable. The one time I had to tell her "no" she and my father were angry for months.

So I guess my answer would be that this decision rests completely upon your relationship with your son and his family and your traveling style. If your son and his wife feel positive about both of those things everything will be terrific!

ss

PS:

The last trip to Disneyworld with my Husband's parents worked particularly well for two reasons:

1. Our family went for one week. Grandma and Grandpa joined us for four days. This gave us plenty of together time and some time us for our small family.

2. Grandma and Grandpa offered to take the kids one night so my husband and I could do something special. They also helped a lot in Disney World with keeping track of the kids. With a three year old - someone will probably need to go back to the hotel at Mid-day to supervise nap-time - Offering to take on a nap-time or two would be a great gift to your son and his wife; If you would also extend that gift to your daughter-in-law's niece you would make great points!!

Hope all goes well!

Mary

Hi Marcy:
If you don't mind me asking but how did you find out about these plans? Did your son make a comment or did you find out by accident.
The reason I ask is that, and please don't take this the wrong way, maybe you are not invited. Is it that that side of the family wants to vacation together? Do you socialize with them?
He has his own family now and wants to start new traditions.
My own experience was to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas at my own home and see the relatives during the weekends in between. It was a solution that worked for us and my family got to celebrate at different houses with different traditions.
I agree that if you want to go than ask but please be understanding if it is a fact that you are not invited to go. Good luck!

Ann

Marcy, you have said your son and his family MAY go to DW next year. Perhaps this isn't even a done deal, but just in the thinking stages. Also, who initiated these plans? Was it your son's idea or the in-law's idea? Since the other grand parent is included, perhaps the whole plan was initiated by the other side and your kids were simply invited to join in. Perhaps this is why they hesitate to include you (so far). It's like being invited to go somewhere and then asking if you can bring someone along, too.

Are any of these considerations financial? Are your son's in-laws treating them? Would your son feel he'd have to treat you if he invited you along? Just trying to throw out some other angles to consider.

Where will your son and his family be this Christmas? If they're going to be with you, maybe the situation of 2001 will come up then (or maybe an invitation will be your 2000 Christmas gift?). As I said, just trying to see other angles.

lisa

Marcy: I understand how you would feel hurt, but I feel pretty strongly that you should not invite yourself along on this trip. It sounds like they have planned this to be a trip with your daughter-in-law's family members. I think if they had wanted to invite you, they would have. You should not take this personally though. Not everyone can go on every trip; it doesn't mean that you're not a close family or that they don't love spending time with you. I am very close to my own mom and have been on several great mother-daughter trips with her, but I have also spent many Thanksgivings and one Christmas apart from her and it did neither of us any harm. It is OK for your grown son to spend a holiday away from you every once in a while. Rest assured that this will not happen every year, and that he still loves you. But he has a family of his own now, and sometimes you just can't accommodate everyone who would like to be included. Instead of inviting yourself along this time, if I were you I would broach the subject with them about taking a trip with them another time -- like next year. However, if you can't resist inviting yourselves along this time (which I hope you don't, but...), I would try to broach the issue casually and not put too much pressure on them -- e.g. "Any chance you could use a couple of extra babysitters while you're there?"

Rebecca

No, you should not ask to join. I truly think if your son's family wants you to be there, they will ask.

I don't think you're being selfish, but there something to the roots/wings thing. You've given your son the roots, but you have to remember that he's old enough to have his own wings. Guilting them into an invite will make things uncomfortable. Our families' best holidays have been at times other than Christmas...less stress, less expectation, etc.

Marcy

As usual, you people on this forum on just terrific, sharing your ideas with others, and I really appreciate it.

To clarify a few things, my daughter-in-law is Japanese, and her family does not celebrate Christmas in the same way that my family does, of course, although she is a wonderful sport who goes along with whatever traditions we want to observe, religious and otherwise. Her Mom is in Japan still, her Dad on the West Coast, and her brother & family in New York.

My son & family lived in the South a few minutes from us until 17 months ago, so I babysat my granddaughter everyday for the first part of her life, and so she feels like mine, and we are exceptionally close. (Their move was related to their careers.)

I overheard the conversation about DisneyWorld trip on a videotape that my daughter-in-law put together and sent to me, of my granddaughter's activities in the last year. It was proposed by my d.i.l.'s sister-in-law - and my son and wife were agreeing that it would be a good idea. (My son can speak without thinking, and I don't know if this was one of those times.) Also, I wonder if my d.i.l. purposely included this on the tape to get my reaction??? So far, I haven't said a word(saw the tape 6 weeks ago.)

We will be driving to Maine for the Christmas holidays this year (six days, and my d.i.l.'s father will fly in from California, also.) Then we will leave so her side of the family can celebrate the rest of the holidays, and New Year's Eve together.

My idea of the Disney trip would be to stay separately in our own hotel (they'd probably all stay together in condo unit, i.e.), and just spend selected times with them, like Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning, then a few other selected times, also we'd be happy to babysit some in the evenings so the "kids" could go party on their own. My husband and I would probably visit other Fla. spots while we were there, not just stay at Disney.

And I do understand what you're all saying about "letting them do their own thing", but I do feel holidays should be a family time to at least some degree, so it's hard for us, having only one child, to be alone at those times. BUT I will accept it as graciously as I can, (for instance, I've always wanted to see England and Germany at Christmas - so maybe this would be the time?)if I need to.

Again, thank you all for your comments. Anything else you'd like to add, I'd love to hear.

Thanks a bunch,

Marcy