Much Delayed Grand Canyon Trip Report
Jun 21st, 2003 | 07:14 AM
#1
Original Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 283
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Much Delayed Grand Canyon Trip Report
We took this trip in April. I'm just now getting around to posting...
Saturday ? Left DC on America West for Phoenix. Great airline. No problems. $323 round trip from DCA. We splurged on the rental car ? a Buick LeSabre from Avis for $350/week. Nice car, but handling was a bit loose, especially when driving through those tight mountain curves. We stayed at the Holiday Inn Midtown in Phoenix the first night. It was adequate. The room was large, and overlooked a nice courtyard, but there is NO sound insulation between the rooms. I could literally hear our neighbors talk on the telephone, and not just a muffled voice. I could hear every word ? ? Hi Jack, yeah I?m at the hotel. I got here last night. Ok, I?ll see you then?.? Do not stay at this hotel unless you like to eavesdrop, or like to be eavesdropped upon. There was a great supermarket up the street called AJ?s, which had great prepared food. The restaurant next door ? ?Egg? something was good for breakfast. We drove around downtown Phoenix, and didn?t see much. I?m now thinking we should have ventured over to Scottsdale to see any street life. Oh well, Phoenix was not the point of this trip anyway.
Sunday ? breakfast at aforementioned Egg restaurant, and then up route 17 to Sedona. Really not a whole lot to see until you get near the Sedona exit. We took route 179 to 89. Sedona is spectacular. You really have to see it to believe it. The red rocks just glow and overwhelm everything. The best time to see them is the late afternoon before sunset. You can be almost anywhere in town and have an amazing view. We drove up to a parking lot near the community college, and wandered around on some of the marked trails. I saw a pack of coyotes. They were about 50 feet away, and I wasn?t sure if I should be concerned or not, but they just trotted away, and left me un-devoured. We also went to a market/village square called Telaquepaqua (spelling?). Great gift shops, and a few eateries. The crowds were thick, but probably because it was a warm and sunny Sunday afternoon. We ate at an unremarkable restaurant along the main drag heading north. The view from the garage out back was terrific, though. We stayed at the Raddisson Poco Diablo resort. I was slightly disappointed with this place. There was nothing wrong with it, but it just had a motel feel to it. I felt misled by the advertising.
Monday ? Off to the Grand Canyon. It?s a beautiful drive north from Sedona to Flagstaff. Several nice places to pull over and snap some photos. Flagstaff is great, simply because it?s a real place, unlike Sedona which seems very touristy. We stopped at Target to get some film, and ate at the Chili?s across the way. Not exactly high living, but it served our purpose ? eat and restock our supplies cheaply. Downtown Flagstaff has a small town feel to it, and the air in town is perfection. I have never breathed so easily and sweetly in my whole life. I wish they could bottle the stuff! Anyway, after Chili?s, Target, and a stop at the bank we headed out of Flagstaff up route 180. The view of Mt. Humphreys is beautiful along this route. We stopped at a hiking trail about 15-20 miles northwest of Flagstaff, and just wandered around in the woods and looked at the scenery. The place was empty, and it had a calming, isolated feel to it. There?s a cool grove of Aspen trees which made a nice backdrop for some photos. Further north along 180 it becomes what looks more like a desert. Lots of flat land, and scrub-brush. There?s really not a whole lot to see until you get to the Grand Canyon.
Tusayan ? I was expecting the Grand Canyon National Park to be surrounded by cheap motels, and tacky souvenir shops. I was happily surprised. There is a stretch of hotels south of the park along 180 which is remarkably restrained in its development. This is great for scenery, but you may want to make your reservations early if you want a nice room during high season. We stayed at the Grand Canyon Squire Inn. We upgraded to a larger room with a soaking tub for $139 a night. It was a nice and quiet room. The water pressure in the shower was low, but that was the only problem. The main restaurant serves a delicious steak, but it aint? cheap. There?s also a steak house up the road which has a definite cowboy feel to it. Our waiter, however, was a Slovakian named Mraj (I?m thinking some unresolved cowboy complex). The woman at the next table ordered a Gimlet, he had to ask the manager what she was saying.
Grand Canyon ? The name says it all. You?ve seen the pictures, and heard the travel tales. They?re all true. The place is a nature lovers paradise. The entry fee is $20 which is good for 7 days. There was no line at the gate when we arrived, but I can imagine high season could have a wait to get in. After you enter the park you still have to drive a bit to get to the canyon. My first view was at Mather Point, the first pull-off from South Entrance Road. It was awe inspiring. Of course, I suffer from dizzy spells whenever I get near a ledge, so I stayed a good 6 feet back from the railing, but it didn?t affect the view. I was actually surprised by all the people literally running up the railing and leaning over the top. There is a serious drop of 2000 feet or more on the other side of that short, skimpy railing. There are also trails that follow the edge of the canyon, many without railings at all, so be prepared if you suffer vertigo in these sort of situations. I was getting panic attacks just watching other people balance on rocks for that oh-so-perfect shot. I kept thinking what a shot it would be if all you got was a couple of shoes in the air after a big gust of wind blew your subject over the edge. We watched the sunset from the Mather Point area. The light plays all kinds of tricks with the scenery. With the bright moonlight, we still had a view even after the sun set.
Tuesday - We drove down Desert View Drive, which runs east of the South Entrance Road. We stopped at every major pull-off along the way, and snapped a million shots. We also stopped at the Tusayan Ruin and Museum. It was semi-interesting. There?s a nice view of Mt. Humphreys on the other side. It was a nice change to look UP at something. We finally made it to Desert View, which has a tower on the edge. The vertigo challenged will want to stick to the first two levels. The snack bar has possibly the worst food I have ever eaten in my entire 38.5 years of life. Can you say dog food burgers? Sticks of grease colored to resemble french fries, and flat soda. I almost puked.
Speaking of puking. While at the Desert View tower we realized that we had to get back to Grand Canyon airport for our 4pm flight tour (more on that in a moment). It?s very easy to forget how far you?ve driven along the south rim of the canyon. The Desert View Tower is 25 miles or more from South Entrance Road. We had to high-tail it back to make our flight. Grand Canyon Airlines, ?the limousine of sight seeing aircraft? the ad said. I believed it. I should not have. Remember earlier about the vertigo thing? This Rinky Dink beer can in the sky gave me the dizzies even before we got off the ground. The ?extra large windows? for that ?panoramic view from every seat? meant that the plane was mostly glass and gave you the sensation of being on a bicycle instead of in an airplane. ?Limousine? must have been referring to the puny seats with a back that only went up slightly above your butt. Luckily the seat next to me was empty so I could ply my death grip on the extra seat belt. I will give them credit for putting two pilots on the plane to reassure safety, but the mechanical or pilot issue was not what freaked me out. It was leaning on a huge window that made imminent death by dropping seem inevitable. I will admit that for those without vertigo, this would be a terrific way to see the canyon. Between my blood curdling death screams, and my wailing prayers to the Lord Jesus, I did get in some spectacular views of the canyon. And I managed not to puke.
Wednesday ? Off to Vegas, baby! By now, my travel companion is getting on my nerves. He doesn?t have a license, so I did ALL the driving. He did ALL the complaining. ?Pass this guy! What are you, scared!? So I pass the guy. He screams ?are you crazy, you almost killed us?. ?You should learn to brake better?. ?Why are we going this way??. ?I?m not eating here?. ?I don?t want to stop for gas now?. Some of the more memorable quotes from his dumb face. From then on, I just pretended he wasn?t there. We took 64 South to 40 West. We got off on old route 66 for a short while, which was pretty, but not fast. We got back on 40 at Seligman (pronounced Se-LIG-mun). Dreary little place if ever there was one (sorry SeLIGmunites). We stopped at some all-you-can eat truck stop outside of Kingman, AZ. Not a healthy meal, but better than the dog burgers and grease sticks at the Desert View snack bar (my stomach still turns when I think of it. I?m still amazed I didn?t puke on that plane!). We breezed through Kingman, and up through the mountains to the long flat stretch of 93 which passes towns like Chloride. Yes, I said Chloride. We didn?t stop to ask.
Hoover Dam ? Eventually 93 goes back up into the mountains and drops you down at the Hoover Dam. There was a security check point along 93 that stops ALL traffic and checks for? Lord only knows what, before you get to the dam. Damn! That dam is damn big! Not really, I just wanted to say that. The dam is actually much smaller than I had imagined it to be. Not to say it was a disappointment. It was interesting, and fun to see. Of course, here I go again, the railings are not designed for people with ?height issues?. Not a frightening walk across the dam, but I was constantly holding onto the wall. There are guides who stand around and give info about the dam, along with some bad jokes. I got the feeling they were sick of repeating the same things over and over again. Hoover Dam, been there, done that. Moving on.
Vegas! ? Yeah, baby! Can you say SPRAWL? I missed my exit, so we got the grand tour of the Las Vegas metro area. How can I say this nicely? Oh that?s right, I can?t. Vegas is ugly. I wouldn?t want to live there. The air was brown. The mountains in the background are brown. The ground is brown. The houses are various shades of brown. I hate brown. That being said, I loved Vegas! At least the Strip (which is actually Las Vegas blvd. Now you know why I missed my exit). The place is outrageous. You can?t help but be awed by the outlandish hotels, and the neon. My God, the neon! Your senses are commandeered, and you have to give in. There is no choice! I challenge anyone to walk straight through the MGM Grand lobby and casino without stopping to marvel at the scene. Every walk of life seems to be represented, from the mid-west moms, to the LA movers and Shakers, all dropping their quarters, or $100?s into the slots and onto the poker table. The lion exhibit in the casino (yes, IN the casino) was pretty cool, but the poor kitties seemed a bit tired of all the attention. The Bellagio has the coolest fountain in town. It does a sort-of water fountain ballet to old Sinatra tunes. The Mirage has a fountain that explodes like a volcano. Each of these attracts thousands for the show, which repeats every 15 minutes.
We stayed at the MGM Grand which I booked through their website. They quoted me $65/night for a room in the Emerald Tower. When I arrived they asked if I wanted to upgrade to the main tower, in a bigger room for an extra $10 a night. I said ok, and asked if it had a view. He said no. I frowned. He found a room with a view. And what a view! The 27th floor facing the Strip. The rooms are very nice, and stylish. But, they did not have a coffee maker, or a bottle opener (sorry, I like my Heinies!). I guess they want you out of the room, and in the casino. The hotel is HUGE. Don?t forget anything in your car, because it will take half the day to retrieve it.
More later...
Saturday ? Left DC on America West for Phoenix. Great airline. No problems. $323 round trip from DCA. We splurged on the rental car ? a Buick LeSabre from Avis for $350/week. Nice car, but handling was a bit loose, especially when driving through those tight mountain curves. We stayed at the Holiday Inn Midtown in Phoenix the first night. It was adequate. The room was large, and overlooked a nice courtyard, but there is NO sound insulation between the rooms. I could literally hear our neighbors talk on the telephone, and not just a muffled voice. I could hear every word ? ? Hi Jack, yeah I?m at the hotel. I got here last night. Ok, I?ll see you then?.? Do not stay at this hotel unless you like to eavesdrop, or like to be eavesdropped upon. There was a great supermarket up the street called AJ?s, which had great prepared food. The restaurant next door ? ?Egg? something was good for breakfast. We drove around downtown Phoenix, and didn?t see much. I?m now thinking we should have ventured over to Scottsdale to see any street life. Oh well, Phoenix was not the point of this trip anyway.
Sunday ? breakfast at aforementioned Egg restaurant, and then up route 17 to Sedona. Really not a whole lot to see until you get near the Sedona exit. We took route 179 to 89. Sedona is spectacular. You really have to see it to believe it. The red rocks just glow and overwhelm everything. The best time to see them is the late afternoon before sunset. You can be almost anywhere in town and have an amazing view. We drove up to a parking lot near the community college, and wandered around on some of the marked trails. I saw a pack of coyotes. They were about 50 feet away, and I wasn?t sure if I should be concerned or not, but they just trotted away, and left me un-devoured. We also went to a market/village square called Telaquepaqua (spelling?). Great gift shops, and a few eateries. The crowds were thick, but probably because it was a warm and sunny Sunday afternoon. We ate at an unremarkable restaurant along the main drag heading north. The view from the garage out back was terrific, though. We stayed at the Raddisson Poco Diablo resort. I was slightly disappointed with this place. There was nothing wrong with it, but it just had a motel feel to it. I felt misled by the advertising.
Monday ? Off to the Grand Canyon. It?s a beautiful drive north from Sedona to Flagstaff. Several nice places to pull over and snap some photos. Flagstaff is great, simply because it?s a real place, unlike Sedona which seems very touristy. We stopped at Target to get some film, and ate at the Chili?s across the way. Not exactly high living, but it served our purpose ? eat and restock our supplies cheaply. Downtown Flagstaff has a small town feel to it, and the air in town is perfection. I have never breathed so easily and sweetly in my whole life. I wish they could bottle the stuff! Anyway, after Chili?s, Target, and a stop at the bank we headed out of Flagstaff up route 180. The view of Mt. Humphreys is beautiful along this route. We stopped at a hiking trail about 15-20 miles northwest of Flagstaff, and just wandered around in the woods and looked at the scenery. The place was empty, and it had a calming, isolated feel to it. There?s a cool grove of Aspen trees which made a nice backdrop for some photos. Further north along 180 it becomes what looks more like a desert. Lots of flat land, and scrub-brush. There?s really not a whole lot to see until you get to the Grand Canyon.
Tusayan ? I was expecting the Grand Canyon National Park to be surrounded by cheap motels, and tacky souvenir shops. I was happily surprised. There is a stretch of hotels south of the park along 180 which is remarkably restrained in its development. This is great for scenery, but you may want to make your reservations early if you want a nice room during high season. We stayed at the Grand Canyon Squire Inn. We upgraded to a larger room with a soaking tub for $139 a night. It was a nice and quiet room. The water pressure in the shower was low, but that was the only problem. The main restaurant serves a delicious steak, but it aint? cheap. There?s also a steak house up the road which has a definite cowboy feel to it. Our waiter, however, was a Slovakian named Mraj (I?m thinking some unresolved cowboy complex). The woman at the next table ordered a Gimlet, he had to ask the manager what she was saying.
Grand Canyon ? The name says it all. You?ve seen the pictures, and heard the travel tales. They?re all true. The place is a nature lovers paradise. The entry fee is $20 which is good for 7 days. There was no line at the gate when we arrived, but I can imagine high season could have a wait to get in. After you enter the park you still have to drive a bit to get to the canyon. My first view was at Mather Point, the first pull-off from South Entrance Road. It was awe inspiring. Of course, I suffer from dizzy spells whenever I get near a ledge, so I stayed a good 6 feet back from the railing, but it didn?t affect the view. I was actually surprised by all the people literally running up the railing and leaning over the top. There is a serious drop of 2000 feet or more on the other side of that short, skimpy railing. There are also trails that follow the edge of the canyon, many without railings at all, so be prepared if you suffer vertigo in these sort of situations. I was getting panic attacks just watching other people balance on rocks for that oh-so-perfect shot. I kept thinking what a shot it would be if all you got was a couple of shoes in the air after a big gust of wind blew your subject over the edge. We watched the sunset from the Mather Point area. The light plays all kinds of tricks with the scenery. With the bright moonlight, we still had a view even after the sun set.
Tuesday - We drove down Desert View Drive, which runs east of the South Entrance Road. We stopped at every major pull-off along the way, and snapped a million shots. We also stopped at the Tusayan Ruin and Museum. It was semi-interesting. There?s a nice view of Mt. Humphreys on the other side. It was a nice change to look UP at something. We finally made it to Desert View, which has a tower on the edge. The vertigo challenged will want to stick to the first two levels. The snack bar has possibly the worst food I have ever eaten in my entire 38.5 years of life. Can you say dog food burgers? Sticks of grease colored to resemble french fries, and flat soda. I almost puked.
Speaking of puking. While at the Desert View tower we realized that we had to get back to Grand Canyon airport for our 4pm flight tour (more on that in a moment). It?s very easy to forget how far you?ve driven along the south rim of the canyon. The Desert View Tower is 25 miles or more from South Entrance Road. We had to high-tail it back to make our flight. Grand Canyon Airlines, ?the limousine of sight seeing aircraft? the ad said. I believed it. I should not have. Remember earlier about the vertigo thing? This Rinky Dink beer can in the sky gave me the dizzies even before we got off the ground. The ?extra large windows? for that ?panoramic view from every seat? meant that the plane was mostly glass and gave you the sensation of being on a bicycle instead of in an airplane. ?Limousine? must have been referring to the puny seats with a back that only went up slightly above your butt. Luckily the seat next to me was empty so I could ply my death grip on the extra seat belt. I will give them credit for putting two pilots on the plane to reassure safety, but the mechanical or pilot issue was not what freaked me out. It was leaning on a huge window that made imminent death by dropping seem inevitable. I will admit that for those without vertigo, this would be a terrific way to see the canyon. Between my blood curdling death screams, and my wailing prayers to the Lord Jesus, I did get in some spectacular views of the canyon. And I managed not to puke.
Wednesday ? Off to Vegas, baby! By now, my travel companion is getting on my nerves. He doesn?t have a license, so I did ALL the driving. He did ALL the complaining. ?Pass this guy! What are you, scared!? So I pass the guy. He screams ?are you crazy, you almost killed us?. ?You should learn to brake better?. ?Why are we going this way??. ?I?m not eating here?. ?I don?t want to stop for gas now?. Some of the more memorable quotes from his dumb face. From then on, I just pretended he wasn?t there. We took 64 South to 40 West. We got off on old route 66 for a short while, which was pretty, but not fast. We got back on 40 at Seligman (pronounced Se-LIG-mun). Dreary little place if ever there was one (sorry SeLIGmunites). We stopped at some all-you-can eat truck stop outside of Kingman, AZ. Not a healthy meal, but better than the dog burgers and grease sticks at the Desert View snack bar (my stomach still turns when I think of it. I?m still amazed I didn?t puke on that plane!). We breezed through Kingman, and up through the mountains to the long flat stretch of 93 which passes towns like Chloride. Yes, I said Chloride. We didn?t stop to ask.
Hoover Dam ? Eventually 93 goes back up into the mountains and drops you down at the Hoover Dam. There was a security check point along 93 that stops ALL traffic and checks for? Lord only knows what, before you get to the dam. Damn! That dam is damn big! Not really, I just wanted to say that. The dam is actually much smaller than I had imagined it to be. Not to say it was a disappointment. It was interesting, and fun to see. Of course, here I go again, the railings are not designed for people with ?height issues?. Not a frightening walk across the dam, but I was constantly holding onto the wall. There are guides who stand around and give info about the dam, along with some bad jokes. I got the feeling they were sick of repeating the same things over and over again. Hoover Dam, been there, done that. Moving on.
Vegas! ? Yeah, baby! Can you say SPRAWL? I missed my exit, so we got the grand tour of the Las Vegas metro area. How can I say this nicely? Oh that?s right, I can?t. Vegas is ugly. I wouldn?t want to live there. The air was brown. The mountains in the background are brown. The ground is brown. The houses are various shades of brown. I hate brown. That being said, I loved Vegas! At least the Strip (which is actually Las Vegas blvd. Now you know why I missed my exit). The place is outrageous. You can?t help but be awed by the outlandish hotels, and the neon. My God, the neon! Your senses are commandeered, and you have to give in. There is no choice! I challenge anyone to walk straight through the MGM Grand lobby and casino without stopping to marvel at the scene. Every walk of life seems to be represented, from the mid-west moms, to the LA movers and Shakers, all dropping their quarters, or $100?s into the slots and onto the poker table. The lion exhibit in the casino (yes, IN the casino) was pretty cool, but the poor kitties seemed a bit tired of all the attention. The Bellagio has the coolest fountain in town. It does a sort-of water fountain ballet to old Sinatra tunes. The Mirage has a fountain that explodes like a volcano. Each of these attracts thousands for the show, which repeats every 15 minutes.
We stayed at the MGM Grand which I booked through their website. They quoted me $65/night for a room in the Emerald Tower. When I arrived they asked if I wanted to upgrade to the main tower, in a bigger room for an extra $10 a night. I said ok, and asked if it had a view. He said no. I frowned. He found a room with a view. And what a view! The 27th floor facing the Strip. The rooms are very nice, and stylish. But, they did not have a coffee maker, or a bottle opener (sorry, I like my Heinies!). I guess they want you out of the room, and in the casino. The hotel is HUGE. Don?t forget anything in your car, because it will take half the day to retrieve it.
More later...
Jun 21st, 2003 | 02:52 PM
#4
Original Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 283
Likes: 0
later...
While we were getting settled in the room we decided to try out the $9.95 unlimited internet access through the television. Both my travel companion and I consider ourselves to be pretty tech savvy, buy even we couldn't get the dam thing to work. We could barely manage to get it to work as a television. Of course, the $9.95 showed up on the bill, even though we never accessed the internet. I shoulda complained, but we were in Vegas!, baby, and I wanted to hit the slots!
Drop in one quarter, six come out. Drop in one quarter, twelve come out. Drop in one quarter, six come out. I'm thinking I'll quit my day job, this ain't so hard! Drop in a quarter, bing bng bonk, nothing comes out. Drop in two quarters, bing bing bonk, nothing comes out. Drop in three quarters, bing bing bonk. Repeat until broke. I could swear they had a camera pointed at me, and let me win the first few pulls to get me hooked. Has anyone called 60 Minutes about this?
Now I'm ex-gambler in Vegas! What to do? How about eat? Ok, sounds like a plan. So me and Mr. Dumbface head out to find a nice place to eat. We walk up the strip, and we walk down the strip. "I'm not hungry yet", he says. I failed to ask the obvious question of " why did you say yes to dinner two hours ago"?. Any hoo, he says "ok lets eat someplace good". Define "good" I said. "I'll know it when I see it". Another hour of walking past 100 restaurants while my stomach was roaring, and martini hallucinations start dancing in my head, I stop and say "I am eating here. I don't care what YOU do" . Had I known this threat would actually work, I would have stopped in front of something other than California Pizza Kitchen. Needless to say I was just so dam happy to eat I didn't really care. Two puny pizzas, and $50 later, we head back to the hotel. Determined to not repeat this ordeal the next day I say "Tomorrow let's have brunch at a nice restaurant. You decide. We'll eat at noon". Plenty of time for him to decide, right? We'll see.
Morning rolls around. Knowing that ex-gamblers never really kick the habit, I head back down to the casino. I promptly lose $30. I head to Starbucks for some coffee, and watch the people in bathing suits head to the pool through the casino (you'd think they'd have a separate hallway for these people). I gawk at the scene for an hour or so, and head back up to the room.
Mister Mary Sunshine has awoken! Hallelujah! And it's not even noon! Where are we having brunch?, I ask. "I don't care" he says. I kick him in the shins repeatedly. No just kidding! I SLAP him repeatedly! No! Just kidding again. I take a deep breath and say " let's go to the Luxor and find a place to eat there". He grumbles something me being anal, and we're on our merry way.
We have made a habit of stopping in the lobbies of every hotel we pass, so on our way to the Luxor we stop in New York New York and Excalibur. New York New York is fun, and the outdoor roller coaster is fun to watch (although I would hate to have that thing outside my hotel room window). Excalibur seems like the hotel for the 18 and under crowd. I was not impressed. They place is kind of dumpy inside. The Luxor is nice, and the interior atrium is impressive. We wander through the place. I'm thinking brunch. He's thinking... absolutely nothing. After we walk in circles through the hotel for 30 minutes I ask which restaurant he'd like to eat in. "Do we have to eat now" he says. My head explodes, and blood splatters . I gently aknowledge his right to do something else, and I wander into the nearest place that employees a cook. I end up in some diner sort of place in the lobby. I am not pleased, but at least I get to eat! Surprisingly, he has once again followed me into the place. Why didn't I learn this trick sooner? And why didn't I learn to stop in front of Morton's?
After our delicious brunch of rubber eggs benedict, he decides he wants to do some ride thing which puts you in the middle of a movie, or a video game, I'm not sure which. I agree, under the condition that he will pay for the tickets. He does. I wish he hadn't. We wait for our "show time". We are warned at the ticket booth that this ride is not for people with bad backs, neck injuries, pregnant women, the elderly, young children, people with heart conditions, people with visual impairments, people with common sense, etc. We are again given this warning when they take our ticket and shuffle us into a dark room. It's given again when you enter the second dark room. Each room is supposed to be a build up of the plot line, but I was so intrigued by the constant warnings that I didn't even pay attention to what the hell was going on. We enter a big room which I think they called a chamber, and were warned yet again that the "ride" might not be appropriate for some. We all just ignored her, and went into the last room which looked like a mini Imax theater. We sit down, and are warned YET AGAIN that this could be harmful, and this is your LAST CHANCE to get out before the real ride begins. We just chuckle.
Did I mention that I had a neck injury? Oh well, how bad could it be? The doors slam shut, the movie starts, the sound starts blaring, and I think what's the big deal? They're just afraid of lawsuits, I said, just as BAM, SLAM, WHAM, the entire floor, and all the seats bolted to it, start violently gyrating and thrusting in every direction. Your supposed to think you're on some flying contraption that will save the damsel in distress. Well, I had my own dam distress to worry about. This must be what it's like to be in a plane crash, I kept thinking. You could barely hold on to the railing because your arms seemed to fly in the opposite direction of your legs. We're gonna die in this stupid ride, and boy am I pissed! My neck, my beautiful neck!
The ride ends, and I check for missing limbs. The elderly couple behind us says "let's do it again". I try to move my head. I knew how far I could move my head before the crick in my neck starts to hurt. I slowly turn my head to the left, hoping that I can still move it as far as I used to. I keep turning, and turning, and turning, and turning. Oh my god! The crick in my neck is gone! That stupid ride fixed my neck! I think chiropractors could learn a thing or two from that contraption. My neck has never felt better!
Whew! So much for the Luxor. We now hop on the tram and head to Mandalay Bay. Wow. I was impressed. I'm staying there next time. Of course, I'll have to sell my virtue to pay for it, but what the hell, they've got a WAVE pool! We don't stay long, because we're getting to the point where looking at hotel lobbies gets, how can I say, dull. So what do we do? We walk across the street and look in the Tropicanna. They had some scary women in the lobby with fruit on their heads. We had to leave. By now, I'm cranky, and youknowwho is just a crank. I go back to the hotel room, and he goes to God only knows where. I stop in a gift shop and buy a $4 fridge magnet with a bottle opener on it . It's got LAS VEGAS printed on the side. It's the best souvenier I've ever bought. I used it constantly. Yes, I'm a big lush.
Picture it, Las Vegas, 2003, it's dinner time, and the battle is about to begin. I want Italian food. It wants Mexican. The two sides take their places on the strip. The crowds gather as the two psychos circle each other on the sidewalk ready to lunge at each other's throat. The crowd grows and splits into two camps. One side chants "Italian Food!" . The other chants "Mexican!" Just as I'm about to leap at his throat with my claws splayed open, the cops show up. Move along folks, there's no show here, he says. Oh yeah, I'll give him a show I say to myself! So I jump the pig and steal his gun. I shoot Mister Mary Sunshine and disappear into the crowd. I toss the gun off the Brooklyn Bridge as I head into New York New York, and eat the best Italian meal of my life at Il Fornaio!
Well, that's sort of how it happened. Next stop. Phoenix! Haven't we been there already?
While we were getting settled in the room we decided to try out the $9.95 unlimited internet access through the television. Both my travel companion and I consider ourselves to be pretty tech savvy, buy even we couldn't get the dam thing to work. We could barely manage to get it to work as a television. Of course, the $9.95 showed up on the bill, even though we never accessed the internet. I shoulda complained, but we were in Vegas!, baby, and I wanted to hit the slots!
Drop in one quarter, six come out. Drop in one quarter, twelve come out. Drop in one quarter, six come out. I'm thinking I'll quit my day job, this ain't so hard! Drop in a quarter, bing bng bonk, nothing comes out. Drop in two quarters, bing bing bonk, nothing comes out. Drop in three quarters, bing bing bonk. Repeat until broke. I could swear they had a camera pointed at me, and let me win the first few pulls to get me hooked. Has anyone called 60 Minutes about this?
Now I'm ex-gambler in Vegas! What to do? How about eat? Ok, sounds like a plan. So me and Mr. Dumbface head out to find a nice place to eat. We walk up the strip, and we walk down the strip. "I'm not hungry yet", he says. I failed to ask the obvious question of " why did you say yes to dinner two hours ago"?. Any hoo, he says "ok lets eat someplace good". Define "good" I said. "I'll know it when I see it". Another hour of walking past 100 restaurants while my stomach was roaring, and martini hallucinations start dancing in my head, I stop and say "I am eating here. I don't care what YOU do" . Had I known this threat would actually work, I would have stopped in front of something other than California Pizza Kitchen. Needless to say I was just so dam happy to eat I didn't really care. Two puny pizzas, and $50 later, we head back to the hotel. Determined to not repeat this ordeal the next day I say "Tomorrow let's have brunch at a nice restaurant. You decide. We'll eat at noon". Plenty of time for him to decide, right? We'll see.
Morning rolls around. Knowing that ex-gamblers never really kick the habit, I head back down to the casino. I promptly lose $30. I head to Starbucks for some coffee, and watch the people in bathing suits head to the pool through the casino (you'd think they'd have a separate hallway for these people). I gawk at the scene for an hour or so, and head back up to the room.
Mister Mary Sunshine has awoken! Hallelujah! And it's not even noon! Where are we having brunch?, I ask. "I don't care" he says. I kick him in the shins repeatedly. No just kidding! I SLAP him repeatedly! No! Just kidding again. I take a deep breath and say " let's go to the Luxor and find a place to eat there". He grumbles something me being anal, and we're on our merry way.
We have made a habit of stopping in the lobbies of every hotel we pass, so on our way to the Luxor we stop in New York New York and Excalibur. New York New York is fun, and the outdoor roller coaster is fun to watch (although I would hate to have that thing outside my hotel room window). Excalibur seems like the hotel for the 18 and under crowd. I was not impressed. They place is kind of dumpy inside. The Luxor is nice, and the interior atrium is impressive. We wander through the place. I'm thinking brunch. He's thinking... absolutely nothing. After we walk in circles through the hotel for 30 minutes I ask which restaurant he'd like to eat in. "Do we have to eat now" he says. My head explodes, and blood splatters . I gently aknowledge his right to do something else, and I wander into the nearest place that employees a cook. I end up in some diner sort of place in the lobby. I am not pleased, but at least I get to eat! Surprisingly, he has once again followed me into the place. Why didn't I learn this trick sooner? And why didn't I learn to stop in front of Morton's?
After our delicious brunch of rubber eggs benedict, he decides he wants to do some ride thing which puts you in the middle of a movie, or a video game, I'm not sure which. I agree, under the condition that he will pay for the tickets. He does. I wish he hadn't. We wait for our "show time". We are warned at the ticket booth that this ride is not for people with bad backs, neck injuries, pregnant women, the elderly, young children, people with heart conditions, people with visual impairments, people with common sense, etc. We are again given this warning when they take our ticket and shuffle us into a dark room. It's given again when you enter the second dark room. Each room is supposed to be a build up of the plot line, but I was so intrigued by the constant warnings that I didn't even pay attention to what the hell was going on. We enter a big room which I think they called a chamber, and were warned yet again that the "ride" might not be appropriate for some. We all just ignored her, and went into the last room which looked like a mini Imax theater. We sit down, and are warned YET AGAIN that this could be harmful, and this is your LAST CHANCE to get out before the real ride begins. We just chuckle.
Did I mention that I had a neck injury? Oh well, how bad could it be? The doors slam shut, the movie starts, the sound starts blaring, and I think what's the big deal? They're just afraid of lawsuits, I said, just as BAM, SLAM, WHAM, the entire floor, and all the seats bolted to it, start violently gyrating and thrusting in every direction. Your supposed to think you're on some flying contraption that will save the damsel in distress. Well, I had my own dam distress to worry about. This must be what it's like to be in a plane crash, I kept thinking. You could barely hold on to the railing because your arms seemed to fly in the opposite direction of your legs. We're gonna die in this stupid ride, and boy am I pissed! My neck, my beautiful neck!
The ride ends, and I check for missing limbs. The elderly couple behind us says "let's do it again". I try to move my head. I knew how far I could move my head before the crick in my neck starts to hurt. I slowly turn my head to the left, hoping that I can still move it as far as I used to. I keep turning, and turning, and turning, and turning. Oh my god! The crick in my neck is gone! That stupid ride fixed my neck! I think chiropractors could learn a thing or two from that contraption. My neck has never felt better!
Whew! So much for the Luxor. We now hop on the tram and head to Mandalay Bay. Wow. I was impressed. I'm staying there next time. Of course, I'll have to sell my virtue to pay for it, but what the hell, they've got a WAVE pool! We don't stay long, because we're getting to the point where looking at hotel lobbies gets, how can I say, dull. So what do we do? We walk across the street and look in the Tropicanna. They had some scary women in the lobby with fruit on their heads. We had to leave. By now, I'm cranky, and youknowwho is just a crank. I go back to the hotel room, and he goes to God only knows where. I stop in a gift shop and buy a $4 fridge magnet with a bottle opener on it . It's got LAS VEGAS printed on the side. It's the best souvenier I've ever bought. I used it constantly. Yes, I'm a big lush.
Picture it, Las Vegas, 2003, it's dinner time, and the battle is about to begin. I want Italian food. It wants Mexican. The two sides take their places on the strip. The crowds gather as the two psychos circle each other on the sidewalk ready to lunge at each other's throat. The crowd grows and splits into two camps. One side chants "Italian Food!" . The other chants "Mexican!" Just as I'm about to leap at his throat with my claws splayed open, the cops show up. Move along folks, there's no show here, he says. Oh yeah, I'll give him a show I say to myself! So I jump the pig and steal his gun. I shoot Mister Mary Sunshine and disappear into the crowd. I toss the gun off the Brooklyn Bridge as I head into New York New York, and eat the best Italian meal of my life at Il Fornaio!
Well, that's sort of how it happened. Next stop. Phoenix! Haven't we been there already?
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Jun 23rd, 2003 | 08:05 PM
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Leaving Las Vegas. It's amazing how simple it is to check out of the MGM Grand. You just fill out a card and drop it into a slot next to the elevator with your key card. Your credit card is billed automatically. It's the little things like this that make me happy! Getting your car back from the valet is not quite as simple, but no big deal. Silly me asks the attendant how much it's going to cost. He replies 'we don't charge for parking, however we do accept gratuities'. Wow. Free parking at the MGM! Who woulda thunk it. I could?ve blown more money in the slot machines if I'd known that before!
So, as gorilla boy and I sit on separate benches and wait for our luxo Buick LeSabre (we've taken to calling it LeSaaaab, being the pretentious East Coast types that we are), he decides now is the time to assist with our travel plans. 'You shoulda made our flight home out of Vegas!', he blurts out. 'Now we gotta drive all the way back to Phoenix!' he snorts. Knowing full well that I had asked him literally 75 times who, what, when, are where he wanted to go MONTHS before we left, I replied in my happy voice 'That's an excellent idea! Why don't I drop you off at the Vegas airport and you can change your ticket'. Knowing full well it would never happen, I sat wide-eyed waiting for his response. 'But..., how would I, ...what would I...', is all he could muster. I was actually beginning to feel sorry for the simple bastard. I advised him that 'It's a trek through the desert with me, or you're on your own!'. And if he makes 'One more dammed comment about my driving', I was gonna kick his 'Sorry pasty white butt' out into the desert and let him 'Fry like an egg'.
Bliss ensues.
Now that we had THAT taken care of, we could concentrate on filling up the car, and finding the highway. I HIGHLY recommend filling up your gas tank before you head out of any town or urban area in this part of the world. I was amazed at how few gas stations we passed. It could be most unpleasant to hit the big E while zooming along through the desert. Anyway, we find a Texaco, and we stock up on nutritious soda and chips, and pointed our LeSaaaab back towards Phoenix.
The reverse trip back to Kingman was mind-numbing, since we had already seen the mirror image of it all two days earlier, but once we got onto a new route and started seeing some new scenery, I perked up again. We turn off 40 and head south on 93 (also called the Joshua Tree Parkway). This turns out to be some of the most interesting scenery yet. I felt like I was driving through a moonscape. It's really beautiful. Of course, there is literally nothing for 100 miles in any direction. The map shows a couple of towns, one of which is Wikieup. Wikieup consists of two trailer homes, and an outhouse. I see no gas station. How they manage to drive anywhere is a mystery. The town of Bagdad is just off the highway, and if I remember correctly, was the setting for the movie 'Bagdad Café'. We didn't stop, but I was very curious. The next piece of civilization is a place called Wickenburg. I liked the look of this place. Sort of a medium sized town with a funky southwest attitude. But, we were on a mission. Phoenix before dark! And find a hotel!
Oh yeah. I forgot to mention one little thing. Probably because it makes me look stupid. Oh well, here goes... I never got around to making a hotel reservation for our last night in Phoenix. I figured we'd just drive over to the airport and find something nearby. How hard could it be? Who the heck wants to sleep in a hotel by the airport on a Friday I night in Phoenix, I thought. Well, how about 400 softball players in town for a tournament. Oops!
But I digress.
So we hit the outskirts of Phoenix. The outskirts of Phoenix start about 40 miles from downtown. I thought Vegas had sprawl. We cruise through some of the retirement farms that have sprouted up. Sun City being the epicenter. I used to think it would be fun to retire in a place like Sun City. I have changed my mind. It just looks soooo boring. Maybe I was still wound up from the glitz of Vegas. Ask me again in twenty years.
You'll notice the seeming quiet that has ensued since the Vegas valet 'conversation'. Well, I think the pipe is about to burst.
'Where are we staying', he says as we cruise east on 10 through Phoenix. 'We're going to look for a place by the airport so we can get up early for our 8am flight' I reply. 'YOU MEAN WE DON?T HAVE A ROOM YET?' he says with disdain. He slides back up in his seat with a certain look on his face that says 'Uh huh, now I've got you'! 'It's no big deal. We'll drive over by the airport and find something' I say. 'Then why are we going this way!' he says. I point to the wide body jetliner flying 20 feet over our head. He doesn't make the connection. 'We're nowhere near the airport. You're going the wrong way!' he says. Excuse me, but unlike your dumb self, I actually READ THE MAP! 'Take this exit!' he says. I don't know WHY I did it, but I did.
So, now we are in possibly THE WORST neighborhood in Phoenix. Junky buildings, flea bag motels, and a parade of scantily clad tramps plying their trade up and down the sidewalk. I say, 'which hotel would you like to stay in?'. I think he was actually a little scared of the place and said 'don't you dare pull into one of those hotels!'. Oh, I was sooo tempted.
I think, the farther away from this place we go, the better. I keep driving and end up downtown. No affordable hotels, and not next to the airport, so we turn around, and head back through the slum, all the while youknowwho is making completely useless suggestions as to where we should go. I hold my breath and drive down Washington St for a couple of miles. Finally, I spot a hotel that hasn't got women for sale in the parking lot. I head towards it, and low and behold several recognizable brand names appear. We try the first one, I think it was an Embassy Suites. 'No rooms, sorry'. He says to try the Marriott(?) around the corner on 44th st. I chat with the desk clerk. 'Sorry, all booked up. The softball players you know. Try the Residence Inn next door', he says. By now I'm thinking we're going to sleep in the car, or someplace outside of town, and miss our flight in the morning.
I head into the lobby and beg and plead. The nice young lady finds a room. Granted, it has one full size (not queen) bed, and a day bed. Odd, but we'll take it. With my AAA card the rate comes to $109. The place is clean and the room has a kitchenette with a fridge. I think to myself, 'where's the nearest 7-11. I need a Heineken!' Since we actually found a room, I'm in a generous mood so I ask gorilla boy what he wants to eat for dinner. 'I don't care', he says. I don't even bat an eye.
You can see where this is going.
So, I head out in search of beer and gas. I need to fill up the tank before we get back to the airport so they don't rob us blind filling up the tank at their prices. I cruise north up 44th st. (away from the pimp parade). I end up in a pretty nice neighborhood. I'm not sure what it's called, but I'd live there. So I find a gas mini-mart sort of thing, and I fill'er up, and grab some muchies and cream for the morning coffee (yes, the room had a coffee maker, too). Not much in the way of real food, so I decide that it'll be room service for dinner. There was a menu on the desk in the room.
Things are looking up. Beer, munchies, cream for the coffee, and room service. I can relax from all that driving and veg in front of a movie on tv, and go to bed early. Life is good! Or is it?.
I head back to the hotel. My key card doesn't work on the entrance door to my building. I try it upside down, side ways, back ways, and the correct way. Nothing. I try another door. Nothing. Oy. I go to the lobby. The nice young girl is still there. She remembers me. I hand her the card and explain my plight. She says, 'oh, that can't be possible'. I say 'oh, yes it can'. She doesn't seem to want to be my friend anymore. She calls someone from the back room. ''This guest' says the card doesn't work', the no-longer-nice girl says. 'Oh, sure it does', the man in overalls says. 'I'm sorry, but I tried it on two doors, and several different ways, and it doesn't work'. They both glare at me. WHAT ON EARTH IS WITH THESE PEOPLE? I think to myself. Gramps in the overalls heads over to the door and sticks the card in. 'Well by God, it really doesn't work!' he exclaims. I slowly beat my head on the counter. Beer. Beer. Please give me a beer, I quietly whimper to myself. After I nearly pass out from exhaustion waiting in the lobby chair for him to give me a new card, I head back to the room.
'So, where are we going for dinner' is what greets me when I open the door. 'There must be a sharp utensil in this kitchenette somewhere', I think to myself as I shuffle through the drawers. I pick up a butter knife. I slide it against my finger. Nah, not sharp enough. I search for a fork. Just then he says ' let's find a restaurant and have dinner'. I explain my evening plans. He says like a four year old, 'but I don't want anything from the room service menu!'. I don't know why, I think I was getting delirious at this point, but I thought if getting out of this room will prevent a murder, then maybe it's a good idea.
Back to the car.
There seems to be some civilization up this way I tell him, as I head back up 44th st. We pass the mini mart and come up to a large intersection. There's a chain restaurant in the parking lot of a shopping center. He says 'let's eat there'. I almost faint. I gain my composure and whip the steering wheel to the right. The car skids as we speed into the parking lot. I miss the white lines in the parking lot. The car looks like it was abandoned by thieves. I don't care. Gorilla boy has made a DINING decision! I was NOT going to let this opportunity pass! 'Let's get a table!' I scream as I fall out of the car. A Beer. A delicious beer. Only steps away! Finally my reward has come!
'It'll be a twenty minute wait' the 12 year old hostess tells us. I feel disaster approaching. 'I'M NOT WAITING THAT LONG!' he says. 'Let's go somewhere else', he says as he walks out the door. I stand there hunched over, my mind in a fog. I feel like I've fallen off a roller coaster. I?ve lost my will. I can no longer fight the approaching tide. I'm giving in. I'm getting weak. I head back to the car and collapse into the driver's seat. 'Let's go down there' he says. I moan. I drive. And drive. And drive. We pass every possible fast food joint imaginable. 'I don't want that' is the answer to every one of them.
As we pass the same restaurants for the third time, I feel a fire in my belly. It's coming back! It's moving up my throat! I can feel it! I can feel it! And out it comes... MAKE UP YOUR MIND YOU STUPID JACKASS! I'VE DRIVING FOR 30 MINUTES! WE COULD HAVE WAITED AND STARTED EATING ALREADY AT THAT FIRST RESTAURANT! MAKE UP YOUR MIND NOW! IF YOU DON'T DECIDE NOW I'M GOING BACK TO THE HOTEL!!!!!
He stops breathing momentarily. He manages to spit out 'arby's'. ARBY'S!, I shout. 'THAT WAS EIGHT FREAKIN BLOCKS FROM HERE! PICK SOMETHING HERE!' I say demurely. 'It's only two blocks', he says. I know it's eight blocks, because I've been doing all the driving. I count the blocks out loud as we pass them. ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. SIX. SEVEN... He doesn't make a sound.
I rip that car into the parking lot, and jump out. ARBY'S! HE WANTS STINKING ARBY'S! I think to myself. I walk in and stare at the menu. I've actually never even been IN an Arby's before. The menu looks vile. I say 'just give me a #1' and turn away in disgust. He seems to be transfixed by the cornucopia of roast beef sandwich choices. I get my order, and find a table before he even makes up his mind. I lift the vile sandwich to my mouth, and KABOOM! The power goes out. I'm sitting in an ARBY's in Phoenix Arizona at 10pm, with a vile sandwich in my hands, in total darkness. This cannot possibly be happening to me. I'm supposed to be nursing a Heienken and falling asleep in front of the television. Jackass wanders over to the table. I say, 'Let's get out of here'. 'We can't', he says. 'I already placed my order and paid for it'. I'm thinking, if I just get up and leave, and hop in the car, and just drive, eventually I'll end up someplace that doesn't suck. I really think about this. I could head to LA, or Mexico, or even back to DC. As long as I was no longer in that pitch black, smelly Arby's in Phoenix Arizona, I would be happy.
Brrrrr... Kaboom. The lights come back on. I don't think it's a good thing, it's interupted my fantasy escape plan. Oh well. So, I sit and watch gorilla boy scarf down his roast beef sandwich. It's time to go. 'Should we ring the bell?', he asks. 'What in God's name are you talking about?', I say. 'You know, you're supposed to ring the bell when you leave if they give you good service'. 'What?' I say. He points to a bell on the wall by the door. 'Are you kidding me?', I say. 'The freaking power went out. I had to eat in the dark! I'm not ringing no dam bell!'. We leave without ringing. We get in the car. 'I know they're talking about us, because we didn't ring the bell', he says. I am slightly amused by this. I don't know why.
OK. Dinner has been accomplished. There is beer in the fridge at the hotel. We're heading back. All is right with the world. Or is it...
More later.
Leaving Las Vegas. It's amazing how simple it is to check out of the MGM Grand. You just fill out a card and drop it into a slot next to the elevator with your key card. Your credit card is billed automatically. It's the little things like this that make me happy! Getting your car back from the valet is not quite as simple, but no big deal. Silly me asks the attendant how much it's going to cost. He replies 'we don't charge for parking, however we do accept gratuities'. Wow. Free parking at the MGM! Who woulda thunk it. I could?ve blown more money in the slot machines if I'd known that before!
So, as gorilla boy and I sit on separate benches and wait for our luxo Buick LeSabre (we've taken to calling it LeSaaaab, being the pretentious East Coast types that we are), he decides now is the time to assist with our travel plans. 'You shoulda made our flight home out of Vegas!', he blurts out. 'Now we gotta drive all the way back to Phoenix!' he snorts. Knowing full well that I had asked him literally 75 times who, what, when, are where he wanted to go MONTHS before we left, I replied in my happy voice 'That's an excellent idea! Why don't I drop you off at the Vegas airport and you can change your ticket'. Knowing full well it would never happen, I sat wide-eyed waiting for his response. 'But..., how would I, ...what would I...', is all he could muster. I was actually beginning to feel sorry for the simple bastard. I advised him that 'It's a trek through the desert with me, or you're on your own!'. And if he makes 'One more dammed comment about my driving', I was gonna kick his 'Sorry pasty white butt' out into the desert and let him 'Fry like an egg'.
Bliss ensues.
Now that we had THAT taken care of, we could concentrate on filling up the car, and finding the highway. I HIGHLY recommend filling up your gas tank before you head out of any town or urban area in this part of the world. I was amazed at how few gas stations we passed. It could be most unpleasant to hit the big E while zooming along through the desert. Anyway, we find a Texaco, and we stock up on nutritious soda and chips, and pointed our LeSaaaab back towards Phoenix.
The reverse trip back to Kingman was mind-numbing, since we had already seen the mirror image of it all two days earlier, but once we got onto a new route and started seeing some new scenery, I perked up again. We turn off 40 and head south on 93 (also called the Joshua Tree Parkway). This turns out to be some of the most interesting scenery yet. I felt like I was driving through a moonscape. It's really beautiful. Of course, there is literally nothing for 100 miles in any direction. The map shows a couple of towns, one of which is Wikieup. Wikieup consists of two trailer homes, and an outhouse. I see no gas station. How they manage to drive anywhere is a mystery. The town of Bagdad is just off the highway, and if I remember correctly, was the setting for the movie 'Bagdad Café'. We didn't stop, but I was very curious. The next piece of civilization is a place called Wickenburg. I liked the look of this place. Sort of a medium sized town with a funky southwest attitude. But, we were on a mission. Phoenix before dark! And find a hotel!
Oh yeah. I forgot to mention one little thing. Probably because it makes me look stupid. Oh well, here goes... I never got around to making a hotel reservation for our last night in Phoenix. I figured we'd just drive over to the airport and find something nearby. How hard could it be? Who the heck wants to sleep in a hotel by the airport on a Friday I night in Phoenix, I thought. Well, how about 400 softball players in town for a tournament. Oops!
But I digress.
So we hit the outskirts of Phoenix. The outskirts of Phoenix start about 40 miles from downtown. I thought Vegas had sprawl. We cruise through some of the retirement farms that have sprouted up. Sun City being the epicenter. I used to think it would be fun to retire in a place like Sun City. I have changed my mind. It just looks soooo boring. Maybe I was still wound up from the glitz of Vegas. Ask me again in twenty years.
You'll notice the seeming quiet that has ensued since the Vegas valet 'conversation'. Well, I think the pipe is about to burst.
'Where are we staying', he says as we cruise east on 10 through Phoenix. 'We're going to look for a place by the airport so we can get up early for our 8am flight' I reply. 'YOU MEAN WE DON?T HAVE A ROOM YET?' he says with disdain. He slides back up in his seat with a certain look on his face that says 'Uh huh, now I've got you'! 'It's no big deal. We'll drive over by the airport and find something' I say. 'Then why are we going this way!' he says. I point to the wide body jetliner flying 20 feet over our head. He doesn't make the connection. 'We're nowhere near the airport. You're going the wrong way!' he says. Excuse me, but unlike your dumb self, I actually READ THE MAP! 'Take this exit!' he says. I don't know WHY I did it, but I did.
So, now we are in possibly THE WORST neighborhood in Phoenix. Junky buildings, flea bag motels, and a parade of scantily clad tramps plying their trade up and down the sidewalk. I say, 'which hotel would you like to stay in?'. I think he was actually a little scared of the place and said 'don't you dare pull into one of those hotels!'. Oh, I was sooo tempted.
I think, the farther away from this place we go, the better. I keep driving and end up downtown. No affordable hotels, and not next to the airport, so we turn around, and head back through the slum, all the while youknowwho is making completely useless suggestions as to where we should go. I hold my breath and drive down Washington St for a couple of miles. Finally, I spot a hotel that hasn't got women for sale in the parking lot. I head towards it, and low and behold several recognizable brand names appear. We try the first one, I think it was an Embassy Suites. 'No rooms, sorry'. He says to try the Marriott(?) around the corner on 44th st. I chat with the desk clerk. 'Sorry, all booked up. The softball players you know. Try the Residence Inn next door', he says. By now I'm thinking we're going to sleep in the car, or someplace outside of town, and miss our flight in the morning.
I head into the lobby and beg and plead. The nice young lady finds a room. Granted, it has one full size (not queen) bed, and a day bed. Odd, but we'll take it. With my AAA card the rate comes to $109. The place is clean and the room has a kitchenette with a fridge. I think to myself, 'where's the nearest 7-11. I need a Heineken!' Since we actually found a room, I'm in a generous mood so I ask gorilla boy what he wants to eat for dinner. 'I don't care', he says. I don't even bat an eye.
You can see where this is going.
So, I head out in search of beer and gas. I need to fill up the tank before we get back to the airport so they don't rob us blind filling up the tank at their prices. I cruise north up 44th st. (away from the pimp parade). I end up in a pretty nice neighborhood. I'm not sure what it's called, but I'd live there. So I find a gas mini-mart sort of thing, and I fill'er up, and grab some muchies and cream for the morning coffee (yes, the room had a coffee maker, too). Not much in the way of real food, so I decide that it'll be room service for dinner. There was a menu on the desk in the room.
Things are looking up. Beer, munchies, cream for the coffee, and room service. I can relax from all that driving and veg in front of a movie on tv, and go to bed early. Life is good! Or is it?.
I head back to the hotel. My key card doesn't work on the entrance door to my building. I try it upside down, side ways, back ways, and the correct way. Nothing. I try another door. Nothing. Oy. I go to the lobby. The nice young girl is still there. She remembers me. I hand her the card and explain my plight. She says, 'oh, that can't be possible'. I say 'oh, yes it can'. She doesn't seem to want to be my friend anymore. She calls someone from the back room. ''This guest' says the card doesn't work', the no-longer-nice girl says. 'Oh, sure it does', the man in overalls says. 'I'm sorry, but I tried it on two doors, and several different ways, and it doesn't work'. They both glare at me. WHAT ON EARTH IS WITH THESE PEOPLE? I think to myself. Gramps in the overalls heads over to the door and sticks the card in. 'Well by God, it really doesn't work!' he exclaims. I slowly beat my head on the counter. Beer. Beer. Please give me a beer, I quietly whimper to myself. After I nearly pass out from exhaustion waiting in the lobby chair for him to give me a new card, I head back to the room.
'So, where are we going for dinner' is what greets me when I open the door. 'There must be a sharp utensil in this kitchenette somewhere', I think to myself as I shuffle through the drawers. I pick up a butter knife. I slide it against my finger. Nah, not sharp enough. I search for a fork. Just then he says ' let's find a restaurant and have dinner'. I explain my evening plans. He says like a four year old, 'but I don't want anything from the room service menu!'. I don't know why, I think I was getting delirious at this point, but I thought if getting out of this room will prevent a murder, then maybe it's a good idea.
Back to the car.
There seems to be some civilization up this way I tell him, as I head back up 44th st. We pass the mini mart and come up to a large intersection. There's a chain restaurant in the parking lot of a shopping center. He says 'let's eat there'. I almost faint. I gain my composure and whip the steering wheel to the right. The car skids as we speed into the parking lot. I miss the white lines in the parking lot. The car looks like it was abandoned by thieves. I don't care. Gorilla boy has made a DINING decision! I was NOT going to let this opportunity pass! 'Let's get a table!' I scream as I fall out of the car. A Beer. A delicious beer. Only steps away! Finally my reward has come!
'It'll be a twenty minute wait' the 12 year old hostess tells us. I feel disaster approaching. 'I'M NOT WAITING THAT LONG!' he says. 'Let's go somewhere else', he says as he walks out the door. I stand there hunched over, my mind in a fog. I feel like I've fallen off a roller coaster. I?ve lost my will. I can no longer fight the approaching tide. I'm giving in. I'm getting weak. I head back to the car and collapse into the driver's seat. 'Let's go down there' he says. I moan. I drive. And drive. And drive. We pass every possible fast food joint imaginable. 'I don't want that' is the answer to every one of them.
As we pass the same restaurants for the third time, I feel a fire in my belly. It's coming back! It's moving up my throat! I can feel it! I can feel it! And out it comes... MAKE UP YOUR MIND YOU STUPID JACKASS! I'VE DRIVING FOR 30 MINUTES! WE COULD HAVE WAITED AND STARTED EATING ALREADY AT THAT FIRST RESTAURANT! MAKE UP YOUR MIND NOW! IF YOU DON'T DECIDE NOW I'M GOING BACK TO THE HOTEL!!!!!
He stops breathing momentarily. He manages to spit out 'arby's'. ARBY'S!, I shout. 'THAT WAS EIGHT FREAKIN BLOCKS FROM HERE! PICK SOMETHING HERE!' I say demurely. 'It's only two blocks', he says. I know it's eight blocks, because I've been doing all the driving. I count the blocks out loud as we pass them. ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. SIX. SEVEN... He doesn't make a sound.
I rip that car into the parking lot, and jump out. ARBY'S! HE WANTS STINKING ARBY'S! I think to myself. I walk in and stare at the menu. I've actually never even been IN an Arby's before. The menu looks vile. I say 'just give me a #1' and turn away in disgust. He seems to be transfixed by the cornucopia of roast beef sandwich choices. I get my order, and find a table before he even makes up his mind. I lift the vile sandwich to my mouth, and KABOOM! The power goes out. I'm sitting in an ARBY's in Phoenix Arizona at 10pm, with a vile sandwich in my hands, in total darkness. This cannot possibly be happening to me. I'm supposed to be nursing a Heienken and falling asleep in front of the television. Jackass wanders over to the table. I say, 'Let's get out of here'. 'We can't', he says. 'I already placed my order and paid for it'. I'm thinking, if I just get up and leave, and hop in the car, and just drive, eventually I'll end up someplace that doesn't suck. I really think about this. I could head to LA, or Mexico, or even back to DC. As long as I was no longer in that pitch black, smelly Arby's in Phoenix Arizona, I would be happy.
Brrrrr... Kaboom. The lights come back on. I don't think it's a good thing, it's interupted my fantasy escape plan. Oh well. So, I sit and watch gorilla boy scarf down his roast beef sandwich. It's time to go. 'Should we ring the bell?', he asks. 'What in God's name are you talking about?', I say. 'You know, you're supposed to ring the bell when you leave if they give you good service'. 'What?' I say. He points to a bell on the wall by the door. 'Are you kidding me?', I say. 'The freaking power went out. I had to eat in the dark! I'm not ringing no dam bell!'. We leave without ringing. We get in the car. 'I know they're talking about us, because we didn't ring the bell', he says. I am slightly amused by this. I don't know why.
OK. Dinner has been accomplished. There is beer in the fridge at the hotel. We're heading back. All is right with the world. Or is it...
More later.
Jun 24th, 2003 | 05:46 AM
#13
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 139
Likes: 0
next one next one...
but one question first:
Why did you go on a trip with the guy...was he a friend before? did he pay you? did you have a bet?
It reminds me when i was there with my inlaws, they assumed that since we were leaving in the US (pittsburgh) we should know where the good restaurants in Arizona where, and wouln't give us an hint about what they want to eat...
Celine
but one question first:
Why did you go on a trip with the guy...was he a friend before? did he pay you? did you have a bet?
It reminds me when i was there with my inlaws, they assumed that since we were leaving in the US (pittsburgh) we should know where the good restaurants in Arizona where, and wouln't give us an hint about what they want to eat...
Celine
Jun 24th, 2003 | 11:46 AM
#14
Guest
Posts: n/a
Oh, please please keep the report coming.
Are you a writer by chance?
Reminds me of my car trip with a friend. Said I'd never do another with her and lo and behold, we did another. Now it's really "never again" Got to the point I just let her drive the wrong way (I was bossy if I said anything) and then I'd tell her we were going the wrong way. We did more backtracking than just driving. I too have stories, but can't voice them as good as your doing. Just please keep adding to this thread. Don't want to miss on the finale..
Are you a writer by chance?
Reminds me of my car trip with a friend. Said I'd never do another with her and lo and behold, we did another. Now it's really "never again" Got to the point I just let her drive the wrong way (I was bossy if I said anything) and then I'd tell her we were going the wrong way. We did more backtracking than just driving. I too have stories, but can't voice them as good as your doing. Just please keep adding to this thread. Don't want to miss on the finale..
Jun 24th, 2003 | 07:55 PM
#15
Original Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 283
Likes: 0
Where was I? Oh yes, leaving Arby's?
As we pull out of the parking lot, I turn right. 'Where are you going?' Dumby asks. 'I'm taking you up into the mountains to push you off a cliff', I say. 'Huh?', he says. 'I'm going back to the hotel! Where the hell do you think I'm going?' I snap. 'The hotel's the other way', he says. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!. I can feel the blood vessels in my head about to burst.
'You seem upset', he says. My mouth drops open, and it's my turn to stop breathing. I gasp for air, and bark out, 'YOU'RE JUST FIGURING THIS OUT NOW?'. The flood gates have been opened! 'YOU HAVE BEEN A TOTAL JACKASS THIS WHOLE TRIP!', I scream. 'YOU HAVE BEEN DRIVING ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!', I continue. 'Oh, why didn't you say something?', Dumby replies. I am completely speechless. Dumby is completely clueless! 'Ok.', I say. 'Let's just forget about it, and get back to the hotel'. 'Ok', he says. 'But, the hotel is the other way.', he adds. AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! Only 18 more hours. Only 18 more hours. Only 18 more hours. I repeat over and over in my head.
We pull into the parking lot. I turn off the car. I take a deep breath. BEER! Glorious BEER!. We head to the door. He sticks his key card in the door. Nothing happens. Oh my God. 'Get out of my way!' I say as I push him back from the door. I stick MY card in the door. Beep! Light turns green, door opens! Halle-freakin-luyah!! I start to go in the door. 'But what about MY card', Dumby asks. I slump with mental exhaustion. I can't even begin to explain to him why it doesn't matter. 'We have MY key!', I say. 'I'm going to the front desk to get a new key', he says. 'WHAT?, WHY?' I ask. They should have to fix this!, he demands. Oh my God. He picks NOW of all times to get serious about something. I'm just floored. I just shake my head with a thoroughly perplexed look on my face. I manage to utter 'okaaaayy...I'll be back in the room...'. Now I'm really confused. But I don't care, because I've got HEINIE's in the fridge!
So, here I am, sippin' my brew, and chowin' on some chips. I'm finally chillin' with some SLEEP in sight!
The phone rings. 'they won't give me a new key. You have to come down here' Dumby says. Lord Jesus in Heaven. 'What the hell are you talking about', I ask. 'They'll give it to you, but not me', he says. 'JUST MEET ME AT THE DOOR WE CAME IN THROUGH!', I shout . I slam the phone down. I'm going insane, I think to myself. This is just UNBELIEVABLE!. This is a test, I tell myself. If I pass, I'll get into heaven. I must control myself, I think, 'NO MURDER!, NO MURDER!, NO MURDER!'. I put my clothes back on, and head down to the door. I wait. I wait. I wait. 'He went to the other door. I know it', I say to myself. So I turn around and go to the back door. Surprise! There he is. 'Why didn't you go to the other door?' I ask in a remarkably calm voice. I did, you weren't there. By now, I my head is just perpetually shaking back and forth like a lunatic. I'm just on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.
Ok. One hour later. Things are now under control. We're BOTH in the room. Dumby is way ahead of me. He's snoozin like baby. I've had my beer. I'm feelin' fine. I climb into bed. I dream of home. Sweet, glorious home! I drift off into a restful sleep. I'm dreaming of my cat sitting on my lap, purring. I pet him on the head. He purrs louder. I scratch his little ears, he smiles. I rub his little chin, HE GETS BUG-EYED AND HOWLS LIKE A JACKAL!' I wake up, wha, wha, what's going on? I hear this amazingly LOUD SIREN. Even Dumby wakes up. 'What the hell is THAT?', I ask. I get up, and look out the window. Nothing. I look out the peep hole in the door. I see people milling about in the hall. Oh my God. It's a f*****g fire alarm. I honestly cannot believe this is happening. It must be a dream. I deny it's happenig, and I climb back into bed. I close my eyes, hoping it will just stop. A few seconds later it does. Thank God! I take a deep breath, and try to get back to sleep.
Two minutes later, it goes off again. This time it does not shut off. 'Whatcha think Dumby, should we leave?', I say. 'Nah!', he says. Finally! Something we can agree on! We lay there, staring at the ceiling, wondering just when the hell this buzzer was going to shut off. It doesn't. I muster up some energy, and pull my pants on. I go out into the hallway, and look around. There's a group of people at the end of the hall talking. 'Is it a real fire?' I ask. They just shrug their shoulders. They don't know. I go back into the room. 'Sorry, Dumby', I say. 'We've got to get out of here'. We grab a few things, and walk back out into hallway. Halfway to the stairs...SILENCE! It stopped! Thank you Jesus! We go back into the room and climb back into bed.
It's now 1:30am, and I'm totally awake. We need to get up at 5:30 to get ready, check out, pack the car, get to the airport, find the car rental return, get to the ticket counter, check out bags, and go through security all before our 8:am flight. This is not good. I don't do well in these sort of situations. I know if I fall asleep, I may NEVER get up in time. I start to panic. This, of course, wakes me up even more. I grab another beer out of the fridge. Dumby is sound asleep. 'I wish I was an idiot!' I say to myself. It looks so easy!
I check my alarm clock. It's set. I set the clock radio that the hotel provides. I open the curtains to let the light in when the sun comes up. I finish my bottle of beer, which will make me want to piss like fountain within an hour or so. Ok, now I'm calm. I doze off.
Morning has broken. The jets are roaring. The horns are honking. Why I thought I'd never wake up, I don't know. Dumby is snoozin like a log. Big surprise. I climb into the shower and stand there for 15 minutes under the steaming hot spray. Wow. Today's the big day! HOME! HOME SWEAT HOME! I perk up and make some coffee. This wakes Dumby up. I give the order, 'You've got 20 minutes to get ready!'. He actually has 30, but it never hurts to buy some insurance!
We're dressed. We're packed. We're ready to roll! We pack the car. I check out. We drive to the airport. We find the rental car return. We climb out of the car. The attendant climbs into the car. We grab our bags out of the trunk. The attendant calls me over. 'We have to charge you for a quarter tank of gas', he says. 'What! I just filled it up last night!', I say. I climb in and look at the gas gauge. I climb out and scowl at Dumby. 'That little restaurant escapade last night used up a quarter tank of gas! You're payin' for that!', I say. He doesn't argue. He knows it's true. Of course, collecting the $10 is another story.
So we're standing there with our luggage. 'Where's the terminal?', Dumby asks. 'I think it's that way', I point off into the distance. In a surprising moment of brilliance, Dumby gets an idea. 'Why don't we get a porter to haul our bags for us?', he says. Wow, I think, Dumby's finally coming around! 'Ok, good idea!', I say. He seems pleased. I let him talk to the porter. Big mistake.
So, we're heading towards the terminal following the porter, and I think 'this is going to be a good day! I can feel it!' (I obviously don't learn from experience). We mosey along, confident that we have plenty of time, and all is well. We go into the terminal and follow the porter through the crowd. He stops in front of the Southwest Airlines counter. He says, 'I'll just put your bags here so you can grab them when you check in'. I look at him sideways. 'Why are we stopping here?', I ask. You said 'Southwest? Didn't you?' I drop my head. I lift my head. I look at Dumby. I say, 'WE'RE FLYING AMERICA WEST, YOU IDIOT!'. It was WAY too good to be true. Dumby actually looks sorry. He apologizes. I take yet another deep breath, and say 'Ok, we can make it!'. I turn to the porter. 'How far to the America West Terminal?', I ask. He smiles, and says, 'Just turn around!'. I do. IT'S A MIRACLE! America West is right behind us! I fill with glee! Yes! It's going to be a good day after all! 'TIP THE MAN, DUMBY!' I say with an authoritative voice, and head towards the ticket counter.
I'm standing in line when Dumby shows up. 'So, how much did you tip him?', I ask. 'I gave him a buck', he says. 'WHAT!', I scream. 'HE HAULED FIVE BAGS ACROSS THE AIRPORT, AND YOU GAVE HIM ONE DOLLAR?', I shout. I immediately reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet. I yank a five out. I start looking for the guy. No luck. He has disappeared into the crowd. 'Oh my God', I think. 'Well, at least he'll have a story to tell his wife when he gets home', I think to myself. He'll say, 'Honey, I hauled five bags of bricks for these two cheap east coast assholes, and they were SO GENEROUS! THEY GAVE ME A BUCK!' He won't be lying.
Dumby's in the dog house.
So we get to the counter. We check our bags. We get our boarding passes. We get in line for security. I tell Dumby, 'Take off your shoes, we'll get through faster'. 'I don't want to', he replies. I think, ok, I'll take off my shoes, and maybe he'll see that I'm serious. So, I pull them off, and put them in the bin that goes through the x-ray. Dumby doesn't. I walk through with a nice green light over my head. Dumby walks through with a blaring red siren. 'Step aside', the guard says. 'Does anything EVER work the way I want it to?', I ask myself. Ten minutes later, Dumby puts his shoes back on, and we're good to go.
We board. We take off. We're in the air. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU GET GOOD SEATS?', Dumby wails. I just look at him, and smirk. I know this will NEVER happen again!
WOO HOO! I'M HOME!
This is a TRUE story! Well, mostly. Any questions?
As we pull out of the parking lot, I turn right. 'Where are you going?' Dumby asks. 'I'm taking you up into the mountains to push you off a cliff', I say. 'Huh?', he says. 'I'm going back to the hotel! Where the hell do you think I'm going?' I snap. 'The hotel's the other way', he says. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!. I can feel the blood vessels in my head about to burst.
'You seem upset', he says. My mouth drops open, and it's my turn to stop breathing. I gasp for air, and bark out, 'YOU'RE JUST FIGURING THIS OUT NOW?'. The flood gates have been opened! 'YOU HAVE BEEN A TOTAL JACKASS THIS WHOLE TRIP!', I scream. 'YOU HAVE BEEN DRIVING ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!', I continue. 'Oh, why didn't you say something?', Dumby replies. I am completely speechless. Dumby is completely clueless! 'Ok.', I say. 'Let's just forget about it, and get back to the hotel'. 'Ok', he says. 'But, the hotel is the other way.', he adds. AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! Only 18 more hours. Only 18 more hours. Only 18 more hours. I repeat over and over in my head.
We pull into the parking lot. I turn off the car. I take a deep breath. BEER! Glorious BEER!. We head to the door. He sticks his key card in the door. Nothing happens. Oh my God. 'Get out of my way!' I say as I push him back from the door. I stick MY card in the door. Beep! Light turns green, door opens! Halle-freakin-luyah!! I start to go in the door. 'But what about MY card', Dumby asks. I slump with mental exhaustion. I can't even begin to explain to him why it doesn't matter. 'We have MY key!', I say. 'I'm going to the front desk to get a new key', he says. 'WHAT?, WHY?' I ask. They should have to fix this!, he demands. Oh my God. He picks NOW of all times to get serious about something. I'm just floored. I just shake my head with a thoroughly perplexed look on my face. I manage to utter 'okaaaayy...I'll be back in the room...'. Now I'm really confused. But I don't care, because I've got HEINIE's in the fridge!
So, here I am, sippin' my brew, and chowin' on some chips. I'm finally chillin' with some SLEEP in sight!
The phone rings. 'they won't give me a new key. You have to come down here' Dumby says. Lord Jesus in Heaven. 'What the hell are you talking about', I ask. 'They'll give it to you, but not me', he says. 'JUST MEET ME AT THE DOOR WE CAME IN THROUGH!', I shout . I slam the phone down. I'm going insane, I think to myself. This is just UNBELIEVABLE!. This is a test, I tell myself. If I pass, I'll get into heaven. I must control myself, I think, 'NO MURDER!, NO MURDER!, NO MURDER!'. I put my clothes back on, and head down to the door. I wait. I wait. I wait. 'He went to the other door. I know it', I say to myself. So I turn around and go to the back door. Surprise! There he is. 'Why didn't you go to the other door?' I ask in a remarkably calm voice. I did, you weren't there. By now, I my head is just perpetually shaking back and forth like a lunatic. I'm just on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.
Ok. One hour later. Things are now under control. We're BOTH in the room. Dumby is way ahead of me. He's snoozin like baby. I've had my beer. I'm feelin' fine. I climb into bed. I dream of home. Sweet, glorious home! I drift off into a restful sleep. I'm dreaming of my cat sitting on my lap, purring. I pet him on the head. He purrs louder. I scratch his little ears, he smiles. I rub his little chin, HE GETS BUG-EYED AND HOWLS LIKE A JACKAL!' I wake up, wha, wha, what's going on? I hear this amazingly LOUD SIREN. Even Dumby wakes up. 'What the hell is THAT?', I ask. I get up, and look out the window. Nothing. I look out the peep hole in the door. I see people milling about in the hall. Oh my God. It's a f*****g fire alarm. I honestly cannot believe this is happening. It must be a dream. I deny it's happenig, and I climb back into bed. I close my eyes, hoping it will just stop. A few seconds later it does. Thank God! I take a deep breath, and try to get back to sleep.
Two minutes later, it goes off again. This time it does not shut off. 'Whatcha think Dumby, should we leave?', I say. 'Nah!', he says. Finally! Something we can agree on! We lay there, staring at the ceiling, wondering just when the hell this buzzer was going to shut off. It doesn't. I muster up some energy, and pull my pants on. I go out into the hallway, and look around. There's a group of people at the end of the hall talking. 'Is it a real fire?' I ask. They just shrug their shoulders. They don't know. I go back into the room. 'Sorry, Dumby', I say. 'We've got to get out of here'. We grab a few things, and walk back out into hallway. Halfway to the stairs...SILENCE! It stopped! Thank you Jesus! We go back into the room and climb back into bed.
It's now 1:30am, and I'm totally awake. We need to get up at 5:30 to get ready, check out, pack the car, get to the airport, find the car rental return, get to the ticket counter, check out bags, and go through security all before our 8:am flight. This is not good. I don't do well in these sort of situations. I know if I fall asleep, I may NEVER get up in time. I start to panic. This, of course, wakes me up even more. I grab another beer out of the fridge. Dumby is sound asleep. 'I wish I was an idiot!' I say to myself. It looks so easy!
I check my alarm clock. It's set. I set the clock radio that the hotel provides. I open the curtains to let the light in when the sun comes up. I finish my bottle of beer, which will make me want to piss like fountain within an hour or so. Ok, now I'm calm. I doze off.
Morning has broken. The jets are roaring. The horns are honking. Why I thought I'd never wake up, I don't know. Dumby is snoozin like a log. Big surprise. I climb into the shower and stand there for 15 minutes under the steaming hot spray. Wow. Today's the big day! HOME! HOME SWEAT HOME! I perk up and make some coffee. This wakes Dumby up. I give the order, 'You've got 20 minutes to get ready!'. He actually has 30, but it never hurts to buy some insurance!
We're dressed. We're packed. We're ready to roll! We pack the car. I check out. We drive to the airport. We find the rental car return. We climb out of the car. The attendant climbs into the car. We grab our bags out of the trunk. The attendant calls me over. 'We have to charge you for a quarter tank of gas', he says. 'What! I just filled it up last night!', I say. I climb in and look at the gas gauge. I climb out and scowl at Dumby. 'That little restaurant escapade last night used up a quarter tank of gas! You're payin' for that!', I say. He doesn't argue. He knows it's true. Of course, collecting the $10 is another story.
So we're standing there with our luggage. 'Where's the terminal?', Dumby asks. 'I think it's that way', I point off into the distance. In a surprising moment of brilliance, Dumby gets an idea. 'Why don't we get a porter to haul our bags for us?', he says. Wow, I think, Dumby's finally coming around! 'Ok, good idea!', I say. He seems pleased. I let him talk to the porter. Big mistake.
So, we're heading towards the terminal following the porter, and I think 'this is going to be a good day! I can feel it!' (I obviously don't learn from experience). We mosey along, confident that we have plenty of time, and all is well. We go into the terminal and follow the porter through the crowd. He stops in front of the Southwest Airlines counter. He says, 'I'll just put your bags here so you can grab them when you check in'. I look at him sideways. 'Why are we stopping here?', I ask. You said 'Southwest? Didn't you?' I drop my head. I lift my head. I look at Dumby. I say, 'WE'RE FLYING AMERICA WEST, YOU IDIOT!'. It was WAY too good to be true. Dumby actually looks sorry. He apologizes. I take yet another deep breath, and say 'Ok, we can make it!'. I turn to the porter. 'How far to the America West Terminal?', I ask. He smiles, and says, 'Just turn around!'. I do. IT'S A MIRACLE! America West is right behind us! I fill with glee! Yes! It's going to be a good day after all! 'TIP THE MAN, DUMBY!' I say with an authoritative voice, and head towards the ticket counter.
I'm standing in line when Dumby shows up. 'So, how much did you tip him?', I ask. 'I gave him a buck', he says. 'WHAT!', I scream. 'HE HAULED FIVE BAGS ACROSS THE AIRPORT, AND YOU GAVE HIM ONE DOLLAR?', I shout. I immediately reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet. I yank a five out. I start looking for the guy. No luck. He has disappeared into the crowd. 'Oh my God', I think. 'Well, at least he'll have a story to tell his wife when he gets home', I think to myself. He'll say, 'Honey, I hauled five bags of bricks for these two cheap east coast assholes, and they were SO GENEROUS! THEY GAVE ME A BUCK!' He won't be lying.
Dumby's in the dog house.
So we get to the counter. We check our bags. We get our boarding passes. We get in line for security. I tell Dumby, 'Take off your shoes, we'll get through faster'. 'I don't want to', he replies. I think, ok, I'll take off my shoes, and maybe he'll see that I'm serious. So, I pull them off, and put them in the bin that goes through the x-ray. Dumby doesn't. I walk through with a nice green light over my head. Dumby walks through with a blaring red siren. 'Step aside', the guard says. 'Does anything EVER work the way I want it to?', I ask myself. Ten minutes later, Dumby puts his shoes back on, and we're good to go.
We board. We take off. We're in the air. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU GET GOOD SEATS?', Dumby wails. I just look at him, and smirk. I know this will NEVER happen again!
WOO HOO! I'M HOME!
This is a TRUE story! Well, mostly. Any questions?
gt;)
Jun 25th, 2003 | 03:20 PM
#18
Original Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 283
Likes: 0
No. I'm not a writer. I just like to write. Thanks for the compliment!
No. Mr. Dumbface and I will not be travelling together again. At least not until his stab wounds heal.
Yes. We were friends before this trip.
No. Mr. Dumbface and I will not be travelling together again. At least not until his stab wounds heal.
Yes. We were friends before this trip.
