Marnie

Wow! I had no idea so many people had this problem too. Remember, sometimes what you do from the start will set a precedent for the future. If you start out staying there, they will always expect it. If you stay at a hotel, they won't. There are many problems staying "living" with someone else, especially relatives where there are usually lots of unresolved issues that creep up during the already stressful holiday season. I've been married 16 years and this has been one of the most stressful parts of our marriage as all my relatives are constantly fighting with each other. Staying at their houses put us right in the middle of it. For years, I tried to work it out and can now see that it's not going to happen. Stay at a hotel.

sneaky

You could always come down with a 'contagious" flu like symptoms on or about Nov. 26th or 27th. Too sick to travel. Serioulsy, I would go this once, do the hotel, speak to your wife and tell her you also need to make your own Holiday arrangements, after all you are one now. Plans need to be made which make the both of you comfortable. Who knows maybe the relatives will say "Thank goodness they are going to a hotel." I stayed at My MIL's condo on vacation in July. It was horrible. The bed was a sofa bed, lumpy, neither my husband nor myself could sleep. We then moved ourselves to another room, which had a slightly larger than a twin size bed. It was more comfortable but we were so cramped. Never again! But it was a week at the shore, it was free. We had even talked about staying a day or 2 more but because of the sleeping conditions we came home.

Gus

I work in the hotel industry. WE have a terrible time getting people to stay in the hotel during the holiday season. According to stats, 85% of people who travel overnight during the holidays sleep at friends or families house. Most do not sleep well but feel that it is their morale and financial responsibility to be miserable.

hello

Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry & Elaine went to Florida and stayed with his parents? Elaine ended up screaming, "PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU, TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING!" and hurt her back sleeping on the fold-out sofa bed, then got loopy on back pain pills and started doing a Marlon Brando impression: "STELLA! STELLA"

Peep

Hello: I laughed till I cried watching that episode. Julia deserved an emmy for that one!!!
ZZZZZ: you're killing me.

S

Mark, what my husband (also a Mark) says about marriage is that it's not a 50/50 arrangement. More like 110%/110%. I'll have to agree with the comment one person made. The key is COMMUNICATION. Tell her what you envision - is it from personal experience? She ought to be able to give you a heads-up on what to expect.

If it really means a lot to her to stay with her family, do it for her. Pay attention to the circumstances. Are you running someone out of their room? Sleeping on a sofa bed? Too many people sharing a bathroom? If this is the case, the next time you go, you can politely say that you are extremely uncomfortable running little sister Suzy out of her room, or making FIL John go to bed early because you're sleeping on the foldout sofa in the living room. By saying that you are uncomfortable by inconveniencing THEM, you appear more gracious and can earn brownie points.

Whether you like them or not, are comfortable with them or not, they are your wife's family and important to her. If you are in the marriage for the long haul, it's all about compromise on both parts.

love

percentages in marriages also are 25/75. sometimes you get the 75 and the spouse gets the 25. however you can be greedy and get the 100%, just remember at some point you will also get the 0%. nothing like having a nice jewish mother to tell you the facts!

empy

I don't care WHO it is!

If the relatives smoke-------HOTEL.

period.

S

Yea, but if it's 75/25 all the time, it's a miserable marriage.

cathy

Had to jump in. We have lived away from our family for many years and travel to see them. After many years of trying to make family happy we have stopped staying at a family members home and stay in a hotel. Everyone is happier with this arrangement. After a few days, they get on your nerves and you get on their nerves. Plus everyone needs some down time. The only time we stay at a relatives is if it is just for one night and that is only at my mom's. It is just her and she is very low key. Only wished some of our relatives would stay in a hotel when they come to visit us.
If you stay at your inlaws, read the post, Rules for a house guest.

love

s- if its a good marriage, sometimes you get the 75 and sometimes you dont. sacrifice and reward.

S

love, so true. That's why you have to be prepared to give 110%. And know that your spouse will be willing to do the same for you.

hotel vs hell

When visiting MIL, always stayed with her. Controlling, obnoxious, overbearing, twin beds, etc.....Last trip (recently) stayed in hotel on the beach. She was pissed but got over it, still spent time with her to appease her, so trip went relatively (pun intended) well. From here on out, we will stay at a hotel. Sometimes, you've got to do what you've got to do to maintain your sanity!

S

Yes, but this is their first holiday season together. He hasn't yet had the nasty experiences. If it is important to his wife, then he needs to let her know his concerns, but graciously agree to give it a try. If it doesn't work out, scope out the closest hotels while there. And be prepared to come up with a reasonable excuse for the subsequent holidays.

hotel vs hell

I graciously agreed countless times, not to mention when she visits our home (whole other story) and it nearly cost us our marriage. Mark: BEWARE, try it once and see how it goes. If it does not go well, do the hotel. It will do your marriage a favor in the future. Trust me!

love

Mark,
I think you should give it a try. Tell your wife to tell her family, you are hesitant (forewarning for next time, should you opt for a hotel) but want your wife to have all the time with her family and would be a good bonding experience. Instead of thinking of all the negatives that could happen, think about all the positives. There is something to be said for "wishful thinking". I have been blessed with an AWESOME family, although we all admit 4 days is perfect time. Let me know if you are having trouble thinking of possible positives of staying with the family instead of a hotel.

Howard

I can not stand my inlaws, should I still visit them?

nina

Funny, I don't remember the line in my marriage vows that said "I promise to love, honor and sleep at your in-laws at major holidays".

No Howard, you don't have to visit them.

Susie

Mark, I was here yesterday moments after your original post, I amlaughing because I bet you didn't expect such a reaction. My Vote=set the bar early, stay at the hotel now, and you will always be able to stay at the hotel.....stay with the in-laws=it will be more difficult to change your routine later without them taking offense. Hotel, Hotel, Hotel.... you could always say you snore and don't want to offend THEM. Good Luck, ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz...

Ellen

I would stay at a hotel. I would tell them that you don't feel comfortable since you don't know them well enough yet. Then you can scope out the situation, accomodations, etc. If it looks good, maybe they will extend the offer again next year.