howabout

Mark, I think the key here is some "communication." I see a can of worms here being opened. If you suggest a hotel, B&B or whatever what will the response be of your wife? She will either be delighted or think that will hurt her relatives feelings. Since you are not at all into this idea, I think it wise you say so now. If you go and you are miserable it will certainly show!! You could just do the Thanksgiving thing to get a feel for how it is going to be. It may not at all be as bad as you are mentally portraying. You might just enjoy yourself and be pleasantly surprised. If it is worse then you imagine, then you need to communicate that to your wife, and insist on the hotel for Christmas. You can also say this is our first Holiday together and your vision is for some "privacy."

doc

you....I have a great marriage. Thanks for taking an interest in it.

Mark

Thanks for the responses so far! This is not a troll post.

I am very interested in knowing if people can sleep at the relatives house. I never can. Of course I sleep best in my own bed at home but sleep better at a nice hotel, than the relatives cheap bed. Also at the hotel I can get some relaxation time before going to bed.

Youcant

First of all I'm a woman, not a man, and have been happily married for 20 fantastic years. So I don't expect to be in divorce court any time soon.

Part of the reason our marriage is so good, is that we don't suffer and sulk in silence. I made the mistake of sleeping at my in-laws once, never again. It was hot, incredibly uncomfortable on a pull out sofa with a bar sticking in our backs, and I know my in-laws were put out even though they didn't show it. We didn't sleep a wink.

Why should we suffer just not to make waves? Our in-laws know we don't sleep well at their house and they're mature enough to accept that without feeling slighted. Oh, I also have a wonderful relationship with them.

So, like I said before, put your foot down and be a man, just like I can put my foot down and be a woman. It's called communication and telling people what you want. Don't be a wimp, like Doc. Many people keep quiet and suffer in silence. Any real "doc" would tell you that that's a terrible thing for a relationship. Bottom line, grow up people.

J Correa

Like I said earlier, it depends on the relative. I can sleep just fine at my mom's house and my MIL's house. My mom has a guest room, so there is no need to sleep on a pull out sofa. At my MIL's house, we stay in my husband's old room which has a nice, comfortable bed in it. I feel perfectly comfortable at both of these houses.

Hithere

Hi
Can I join in? Sure - I'll add my two cents. Ask you wife (nicely) what kind of bed will you be sleeping on. Sofa bed? NO Double bed? NO Old lumpy bed?? NO If the accommodations are a separate bedroom with a comfortable mattress - then try it - If it doesn't work out (and you'll both know that - opt for a hotel or motel next time. Funny thing - when I thing B & B - it's not much different than the little bedroom next door to parents room. If I'm paying for it - I'd like privacy and comfort.

I have a sister-in-law with a totally yapping dog (constant) and I had to say that we're at a hotel - the dog doesn't care for us and for everyone's comfort we'll visit and then retreat to hotel.

Have a really good friend who loves my guest room (large, comfy, queen bed, nice bath) however we get a meet in the middle double bed at his house. Go figure - I'm just about ready to say so long to this arrangement.

Oh - I forgot to tell you we've been married a long, long time (40 years) so don't regret saying "sorry".

suzanne

My parents moved to Florida a year ago - they built a 3-bedroom, 3-bath home to encourage visitors. It works! My BF and I are very comfortable there.

My BF's parents have a 3-bedroom house also, but there is only one shower (in their BR) which is a bit of a problem if we're all trying to get out of the house and do things. But an even worse problem is that they haven't cleaned it in 10 years - ewwww! Food used to be a problem - they only had junk food around - but after a few visit they learned that I'm nuts about certain things (fresh tomatoes, cheese, fresh fruit) and won't touch others (Oscar Mayer Bologna and gooey cinnamon rolls) so they tend to buy a few things I like - very thoughtful and considerate of them!

I used to hate staying and my grandparents' house because I am almost deathly allergic to mothballs. I always had to sleep outside in the backyard! The allergy progressed to a point where I could not be in the house for more than 30 minutes or so. I felt bad...but there was nothing I could do. Every time I went there i would be sick for a week!

My sister (who lives far away) has a cat so no one in my family can visit with her b/c the rest of us are all allergic. I always wondered if she did that on purpose.

The Man

Mark, If you can afford it, opt for the hotel/motel option. As a newlywed, I could not imagine staying over with relatives. My wife and I make wild passionate love at least twice a day, and that is something I would not do in someone elses house just out of respect for the hosts.

Ivanna No

Mark, we've been over this a thousand times before. If her folks are rich, then stay with them. You'll get good food and shelter. If her folks are poor, then stay at a hotel. You'll do better there.

The Man

Ivana no, Who cares if the relatives have money. Mark wants to "be" with his wife, and not in someone else's home. As a guy, I would want to be pleasing my wife every chance I get.

hmmm

To The Man:
It is Mark who wants to go to the hotel. His wife wants to stay with her family. So if he wants to please her every chance he gets...

Maureen

I love the idea of staying at a hotel, my Mom recently moved out of our "big" home, and nobody else has more than one small bed to spare. question to all of you--how do you handle telling them?? Won't they have hurt feelings??

Sleepless but not childless

Of course we don't sleep well, but staying at my folks was good for one thing. We had a teeny full bed in my old bedroom and of course I like to live dangerously. My wife felt a bit awkward about having relations while at her in-laws in my childhood bedroom, but a month later she was expecting our first child and was overjoyed.

been there

Tactful ways to avoid staying at relatives: Pet allergies, different smoking preferences, desire not to impose a large family on a small dwelling, house not child-proofed if travelling with small child, convention or business meeting coincident with stay, at family reunions offer the most cash-strapped relative the cheap way out by staying with the family, bringing your pet boa with you so it won't be lonely.

Gary

I know this sounds odd but the only time I feel comfortable at a relative's house is if it's not an immediate family member, for an example, a cousin's house. They seem less of a pain in the neck. But I will opt for a hotel FIRST. If either my wife's family or mine gets mad, too bad. My sanity comes first.

ZZZZZ

Who cares...

And if you do care and don't sleep well, just bring a copy of this thread and read it, you'll fall asleep quickly.

Mary

If you just want to be more comfortable, then stay at a motel.

But if you are doing this to avoid spending time with the in-laws, I see trouble ahead.

Just spend lots of time with them, get to know them. Some you will like and some you won't. For your wife's sake, put up with them all.

SueG

What a great post.
I am newly married, and have been staying at the in-laws during Christmas time for 3 years. This will be our first Christmas as a married couple.
UGH! We have to sleep on a hide-away bed with a bar down the center. I'm allergic to the feather pillows and MIL insists I wear her house shoes around the house. The breakfast conversation often turns to politics. WTF, it's breakfast!
I know they would be hurt if we went to a hotel, so we put up with it. *sigh*

Jason

Just go to a hotel...can't go wrong!

gail

Now is the time to discuss this as an issue in general - not just these upcoming holidays. Set up some sort of argeement and compromise with your wife - for example, Thanksgiving at her relatives, Christmas at home, next year ... Don't get stuck in the trap (that I did) of doing something for a few years and then risking offending everyone because "they always stay here!"

You should be able to work something out so there is a mix of holiday plans - holidays for home, hotel, relatives. Many of us have annoying in-laws that we put up with, including gross food, uncomfortable accomodations, endless fake politeness - but that should not be every holiday of your entire marriage.

Also, you need to establish some of your own holiday traditions - sometimes that means staying home and inviting relatives to your lumpy beds and burned food.