I am a 32 year old male living in Chicago and have been following this board for a little while. I've been wondering about the people who post about fears of traveling, or just walking around, alone in major cities. I can certainly understand questions about specific hotels/neighborhoods, but I'm a little puzzled by questions like "can I go anywhere alone while my husband is at his business meeting?" etc. How do they think millions of women survive otherwise? I have a girlfriend (and exes), female buddies, sisters, colleagues, who live alone, travel alone, go out on their own all the time - and act like it's as simple as breathing in and out. Is this a generational issue? A geographical issue? I'm genuinely curious.

Mike: Believe it's mostly generational. From the boomers down through GenX, we've bred a bunch of wusses in this country.

These are people who are worried about flying after 9/11.

They're people who've raised kids, and protected them so strongly, that the kids are afraid of independent decision-making. And to be fair, they've not been equipped for it.

I was out of the house and in the USAF at 18. And not been back since. Married at 22, and the last kid was gone when I was 46.

Been to the cities. Love them. But I've also stayed out of harms way. Didn't learn those things off a video game, rap lyrics, or being unwilling to leave the nest. I don't think NYPD Blue teaches me about NY. Or Nash Bridges about San Francisco.

I believe it's called maturity.

Er, 'scuse me, likestotravel, but I was moving about quite freely in my own city from the time I was eleven and started traveling to Europe at 19--and I was never afraid to be by myself. Guess what? I'm right on the cusp of Gen X.
It seems to me that the position Michael has noticed may be somewhat geographic (I've noticed that people in the suburbs tend to be afraid of cities) and may be a result of the fostered paranoia that has become a growth industry--check out the women's mags, for instance--but is also an indication of a somewhat dependent person, which is a trait that's not exclusive to any one group.

I don't think its really generational or geographical. I'd chalk it up to the fact that many people have never had to function independently, and the thought of it is frightening to them. And it goes beyond just solo travel. By that, I mean people who go from living with their families, to perhaps living with roomates, to marriage and living with a spouse and children. If you've always been surrounded with people, the thought of doing things independently may be scary. Some folks need that safety net to fall back on.

I have friends who could never concieve of traveling alone. They wouldn't know what to do with themselves. Of course, these are the type of people who don't seem to have much of an individual identity. Have you ever noticed how some people always fill a conversation by talking about their husband/wife this, or their son/daughter that, and never have anything to say about themselves? They couldn't imagine doing anything on their own because they have no sense of their own identity apart from other people. The thought of spending a week alone with themselves is probably terrifying.

I'm a surburban boomer who flew from West coast to NYC rented a car and drove to long island for business, alone. Ate alone but not in the hotel. Drove back to Manhattan for the day to see the sites like the Met Museum of Art and the Empire state building, Madison Square garden and central park. Then drove back to Long Island to finish up with the business meetings. Drove my rental car all over the city and was never afraid for a minute. It's not generational or geographic its just who you are and how you want to live. I'm not afraid to do anything by myself. Neighbors and coworkers don't even think about going to the ladies room alone. They are all ages and live in the city and in the burbs.

Suzie -

That's great - but I think Michael's point was that many people do what you just described on a weekly basis - and don't talk about it as if it were a special event.

Confession: I am one of those "can I go anywhere while my husband is at his business meeting?"

In my case, I'm extremely independent, but unaccustomed to big cities. And I look like a tourist. And I think I've ridden in a taxi twice in my life. So for me it's a case of inexperience, but I'm getting much better about it.

I think the behavior Michael describes is very isolated and definitely not the norm. My guess is that it's the way you were raised - to be independent as well. Even married suburbanites with kids are very adventurous. Hell, I even went alone wandering the streets for a hairstylist in Phuket, Thailand where I did not speak Thai (found a good one too)! Any women will tell you that takes guts!

Also in our family my brother went cross country alone for 4 months twice, the first time at 17 years old. My sister started going to Europe solo at 18. I also took the bus into the "big city" alone at 11. Nowadays I have a sister-in-law who won't allow her 14 year old to walk the 800 ft from her bus stop to home! She picks her up! You can bet that kid won't be traveling solo without a lot of apprehension.

Not necessarily! I'm 27, so I'm part of the generation you pinpoint. I'd describe myself as fearless. I've traveled alone, and have no qualms about doing so. I lived in NYC until a few months ago and spent plenty of time wandering around on my own. Yet I grew up in a small town, and led a very sheltered life, with overprotective parents. I wasn't allowed to take the bus into New York City alone until I was 16, though it was only two hours away. Furthermore, I have always been surrounded by people, roomates, friends, etc. Of course, my parents somewhat encouraged my independent streak by sending me to boarding school--an ostensibly sheltered environment nonetheless. It really comes down to personality, which is not always determined by how you are raised. Thinking about it now, and many of my girlfriends come from similar backgrounds--we all have this independent streak. I would actually say that the older women get, if they've never had the chance--or been forced to--break free of certain constraints and go beyond boundaries, the more frightened they become. Thus the hesitation to explore new places on their own, fly alone, etc.

Excuse me, but are you the same people who would read about a woman who was assaulted in such-and-such neighborhood, city, country, and say "tsk-tsk, what was she thinking, walking there all by herself? She was just asking for it"?

Ms., No.

Michael,

I think your question is quite thoughtless. You're a 32-year-old urban male. Of course, you don't understand the mindset of a woman who may be older and less experienced in an urban setting.

Why do you give a rip if a woman wants advice on her personal safety?

B-
What a clever response. It wasn't a special event. As I stated in my post it's how I live my life. Figured this is a travel board so I described a travel experience. You want the daily description? Unafraid to do stuff just because I'm alone. Not that I take chances, it's that I was responding that I don't think it's gnerational or geographic it's at the individual's level as we all know people who have confidence in themselves and some who live a fearful life.

I live in a big city and there are areas here I would not go by myself. I assume other cities have similar areas. I've traveled frequently by myself and see nothing wrong with asking about areas I should avoid.

On the other hand, I generally wouldn't ask if an area was safe to go by myself, just if it was safe. Realistically, if someone pulls a gone, being with another person is not going to make much difference.

Arabella -

I have discussed this with the women in my life - and they are curious about it as well. My girlfriend mad a joke about women who are afraid to the bathroom without company.

Maybe you misunderstood - I was referring to statements from people who have said that couldn't imagine eating alone because people might think they are a "geek" - things of that nature. Questions about areas to avoid etc are absolutely valid - how could they not be?

Michael,

One summer about 12 years ago, I worked in a video store that had just opened. To get a rental card, customers had to show picture ID - I was amazed at the number of middle-age women who did not have a drivers license. They said thier husband took them everywhere.

I guess if you never go anywhere alone in your hometown, going somewhere alone in another city could be terrifying.

Especially as a result of news stories about the dangers of big cities, anyone who is not accustomed to them is apt to become fearful, and women, who are generally more subject to attack and less likely to have the size or skills to defend themselves, would (and should) be more likely to be concerned. I love visiting cities, and never have any fears (other than the reasonable cautions one should take) being in a large city, by myself, with my children or others. But then, I've always enjoyed city life and lived in the downtown areas of several different big cities (including Chicago). So I'm not concerned, because I know how to handle myself in a big city, but I might be if it were all new to me.

I suppose part of it is the middle-aged women who rely on their husbands a lot and don't do much on their own, but I think more of it is sheer unfamiliarity.

Here's an apt comparison for a city dweller: how comfortable would a city dweller be heading off for a hike, a mountain bike or cross-country ski trip for several miles into the Rocky Mountains ALL BY YOURSELF(there could easily end up being no people within several miles of you)? You might be a little concerned, you might check with others more familiar than yourself, you might investigate the risks and dangers, and you might not be interested in making such a trek due to those concerns. But for those of us who are used to that sort of thing, it's no more scary or dangerous than the big city might be for a suburbanite or someone who lives in more rural areas.

It's all what you're used to...

Michael,

I'm still a little puzzled by your question, which, by the way, does not mention eating alone.

You wrote, "I've been wondering about the people who post about fears of traveling, or just walking around, alone in major cities."

For those of us who have lived and worked in urban centers, of course it's perfectly natural to go out and about alone.

For someone who has lived in, say, Rock Island, IL, finding one's way along NYC streets may be very intimidating.

What is that so difficult for you to understand, Michael? Maybe you need to broaden your horizons and see smalltown America.

Arabella -

I think you're being a bit rough on the original poster. He tried to clarify his post - and you felt the need to bitch about it again - even AFTER he explained his question. The other responses have been quite civil. Why the mood?

Let me tell you about two incidents that may give you some insight.

I was driving in my sub-compact car with a fair number of boxes and other stuff, much of it in the front seat. I picked up a male friend of mine who also had some of his own junk to add, and he ended up more or less crouching behind the middle of the front seat (it was not a long trip -- about 1 hr. down the Jersy pike). In other words, he could not be easily seen by people in other vehicles. He watched how other drivers behaved, including attention from truck drivers and some pointedly aggressive behavior by a couple of male drivers who were bent "pacing" me (staying right even in the next lane over) for a little while and then passing me and cutting back close in front of me -- behavior I see all the time. But his reaction: "wow, I never realized what it can be like for a woman driving by herself."

Similarly, I'm sitting alone in a restaurant between soup and entree. A guy on his way to the bathroom stops and leans over the table, making friendly but nonetheless unwelcome conversation about how good the food was. I say something like "yes, it is" and look away, but he's back in a few minutes asking if I really like eating alone. Fortunately the waiter appeared and told the man his own entree was on his table and getting cold. I tipped that waiter quite a bit.

I'm married and I like company, but I'm also able and willing to travel alone and do so often. But I never underestimate the fact that certain men -- not necessarily hoodlums or even predators but just presumptuous or "playful" men -- consider an unaccompanied woman fair game.