A travel/etiquette/parenting question . . .
Jun 5th, 2001, 08:57 AM
#1
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A travel/etiquette/parenting question . . .
I have a nine-year old daughter. A friend's family (they have a nine-year old daughter too) took both girls out for a day of museums etc.
On the way home, the friend's mom drove through McDonalds and purchased food for herself and her own kids, but did not purchase anything for my daughter. Their plan was to take my daughter home and eat their food at their own home afterward. This upset my daughter, as she felt excluded, and I suspect smelling the food was making her mouth water.
Anyway, she complained to me when she got home. I asked her whether she had asked for food, and she said she did not. I praised for not begging for food, and told her to buck up and get over it. So the whole thing is over.
But here's my question: did my friends behave correctly? If there's a rule for this situation, I'd like to know it so I don't blow it when I host a child for the day.
On the way home, the friend's mom drove through McDonalds and purchased food for herself and her own kids, but did not purchase anything for my daughter. Their plan was to take my daughter home and eat their food at their own home afterward. This upset my daughter, as she felt excluded, and I suspect smelling the food was making her mouth water.
Anyway, she complained to me when she got home. I asked her whether she had asked for food, and she said she did not. I praised for not begging for food, and told her to buck up and get over it. So the whole thing is over.
But here's my question: did my friends behave correctly? If there's a rule for this situation, I'd like to know it so I don't blow it when I host a child for the day.
Jun 5th, 2001, 09:26 AM
#5
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(I see others are having trouble posting today, too, what with multiple posting.)
Well, the friend's mom was insensitive, I think, and should probably have gone to the McD's _after_ dropping your daughter off, or else had everyone eat right there in the McD's and included your daughter. The definition of courtesy, after all, isn't a matter of finding an applicable rule and following it; it's a matter of anticipating other's comfort.
If the distances were just too great, maybe that would excuse the stop-by to pick up dinner. And ask yourself: would it have been any different if she'd stopped at a grocery store to pick up the food for dinner? It wasn't a deliberate exclusion, just a side-trip probably made to save time; and "you can't always get what you want...." (to quote the song).
So telling your daughter to buck up and get over it was exactly the right thing to do. Another good thing to do might have been to give your daughter a little extra spending money on such trips in case another such situation comes up again.
Well, the friend's mom was insensitive, I think, and should probably have gone to the McD's _after_ dropping your daughter off, or else had everyone eat right there in the McD's and included your daughter. The definition of courtesy, after all, isn't a matter of finding an applicable rule and following it; it's a matter of anticipating other's comfort.
If the distances were just too great, maybe that would excuse the stop-by to pick up dinner. And ask yourself: would it have been any different if she'd stopped at a grocery store to pick up the food for dinner? It wasn't a deliberate exclusion, just a side-trip probably made to save time; and "you can't always get what you want...." (to quote the song).
So telling your daughter to buck up and get over it was exactly the right thing to do. Another good thing to do might have been to give your daughter a little extra spending money on such trips in case another such situation comes up again.
Jun 5th, 2001, 09:55 AM
#6
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OK, Pamela ... nice of you to say that (you're of course making the beeg joke, but if not, lets keep it between us, OK, Pamela?). I'll take a chance. Don't know any rules ... but: For your kid: "I hear how you do feel." Legitimatize feelings. For some other kid: "I imagine how you might feel" Legitimatize feelings. But sounds like you're already on the right track. If I could, I'd have you adopt the folks I work with ... their moms never heeded their feelings, and wow, it shows. Ciao
Jun 5th, 2001, 10:13 AM
#7
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Pamela:
First of all, I think you handled the situation well. Although it was kind of your friend to take your daughter out to the museum, I think it was very inconsiderate of her to not buy food for your daughter. I personally would have taken your daughter home and then went for the fast food. This is just my opinion. Of course, some parents do not emphasize thinking of others first while you probably do. They may just have different priorities.
First of all, I think you handled the situation well. Although it was kind of your friend to take your daughter out to the museum, I think it was very inconsiderate of her to not buy food for your daughter. I personally would have taken your daughter home and then went for the fast food. This is just my opinion. Of course, some parents do not emphasize thinking of others first while you probably do. They may just have different priorities.
Jun 5th, 2001, 11:52 AM
#8
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Pamela, I agree with the previous poster. You told your daughter the right thing.
I do think, however, that your friends may have been unthinking in not asking your daughter whether she wanted something. Regardless of the fact that they were planning on eating the food at home, I would have asked my daughter's friend if she wanted something. If there was not enough time to eat a full meal in the car or the mother assumed your daughter would be eating dinner at home, she could have asked her if she wanted a shake or some french fries which would have been something she could easily munch on during the trip home.
I do think, however, that your friends may have been unthinking in not asking your daughter whether she wanted something. Regardless of the fact that they were planning on eating the food at home, I would have asked my daughter's friend if she wanted something. If there was not enough time to eat a full meal in the car or the mother assumed your daughter would be eating dinner at home, she could have asked her if she wanted a shake or some french fries which would have been something she could easily munch on during the trip home.
Jun 5th, 2001, 12:09 PM
#9
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As the parent of two children (27 and 24), I don't think the question should be if your friends behaved appropriately but how you handled it.
Your response to your child to "buck up and get over it" was right on. Your child has to learn to not let the "little things" cause her harm emotionally. If you would have told her, "Poor you, you were treated so badly", whaaa whaaa, then your child would learn that she/he could dwell on these small, insignificant things and use them. Many things in life are unfair. But we must learn to overlook a lot things. The more mature and forgiving we are, the more we overlook. We cannot teach our children to "blame" others and your approach was right on.
Your advice to your child was excellent and in my opinion correct.
Good on you, mate!
Your response to your child to "buck up and get over it" was right on. Your child has to learn to not let the "little things" cause her harm emotionally. If you would have told her, "Poor you, you were treated so badly", whaaa whaaa, then your child would learn that she/he could dwell on these small, insignificant things and use them. Many things in life are unfair. But we must learn to overlook a lot things. The more mature and forgiving we are, the more we overlook. We cannot teach our children to "blame" others and your approach was right on.
Your advice to your child was excellent and in my opinion correct.
Good on you, mate!
Jun 5th, 2001, 12:53 PM
#10
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Pamela:
I am going to go at this a little differently...I am the mom who usually has the car full of kids. Only one is mine. Whatever my son does EVERY CHILD does. It was how I was raised and no I am not rich that is just my DH running his mouth. Pay him no attention.
If it is McDonalds or a sit down all kids get McDonalds or the sit down meal. If it's the movies then all kids get the movies and the over priced candy, popcorn and sodas to go with the movie.
I do believe that what goes around comes around and I, not my teen, would be crushed if my kid were treated like your daughter was because of what I do and because of what I believe.
On the other hand birds of a feather do tend to flock together. My kid goes skiing and on some vacations with his FRIENDS and he only needs to bring his spending money...vice versa.
It WAS ONLY McDonalds but,...I think "baby Pam's" mom's friend lacked class. Mom,your words were harsh...for me. My teen, who just read this over my shoulder, sucked his teeth, rolled his eyes and said mommmmm, it's not that big of a deal, gee!
So there you have it. Tell you DD that there is a mom who "feels her pain."
My Best
Oaktown
I am going to go at this a little differently...I am the mom who usually has the car full of kids. Only one is mine. Whatever my son does EVERY CHILD does. It was how I was raised and no I am not rich that is just my DH running his mouth. Pay him no attention.
If it is McDonalds or a sit down all kids get McDonalds or the sit down meal. If it's the movies then all kids get the movies and the over priced candy, popcorn and sodas to go with the movie.
I do believe that what goes around comes around and I, not my teen, would be crushed if my kid were treated like your daughter was because of what I do and because of what I believe.
On the other hand birds of a feather do tend to flock together. My kid goes skiing and on some vacations with his FRIENDS and he only needs to bring his spending money...vice versa.
It WAS ONLY McDonalds but,...I think "baby Pam's" mom's friend lacked class. Mom,your words were harsh...for me. My teen, who just read this over my shoulder, sucked his teeth, rolled his eyes and said mommmmm, it's not that big of a deal, gee!
So there you have it. Tell you DD that there is a mom who "feels her pain."
My Best
Oaktown
Jun 5th, 2001, 02:14 PM
#12
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Since they were planning to eat the food at home and not in front of your daughter, IMO I don't see any harm here. After all it was very nice of her to take your daughter out for the day, which probably included lunch. It sounds like she was too tired to cook after a day with two little girls and was saving a few steps. Of course, don't all of us eat a few of the fries on the way home. Hopefully they shared!
Jun 5th, 2001, 03:06 PM
#13
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Interesting question. I'm usually on the opposite end of this situation -- I'm the mom driving a car load of kids around someplace.
In that role, I have been surprised at how grabby some kids are, and how kids don't understand at all that if they are the guest, they should be mindful of the host's wallet. You know -- order something reasonable and eat it. Don't ask the host for cash. That sort of thing.
Example: I took a group of girls to pizza and a movie. Cake and ice cream to follow at our house. I was astounded how 9 year old kids who had just stuffed themselves with pizza and those yummy bottles of rootbeer were quite willing to thoroughly work me over for some Raisinettes at the theatre. A little rude and bratty even to ask, I think.
Telling your child to get over it, Pamela, might go a long way toward making sure she doesn't beg and whine for a treat the next time. So I think you did the right thing.
In that role, I have been surprised at how grabby some kids are, and how kids don't understand at all that if they are the guest, they should be mindful of the host's wallet. You know -- order something reasonable and eat it. Don't ask the host for cash. That sort of thing.
Example: I took a group of girls to pizza and a movie. Cake and ice cream to follow at our house. I was astounded how 9 year old kids who had just stuffed themselves with pizza and those yummy bottles of rootbeer were quite willing to thoroughly work me over for some Raisinettes at the theatre. A little rude and bratty even to ask, I think.
Telling your child to get over it, Pamela, might go a long way toward making sure she doesn't beg and whine for a treat the next time. So I think you did the right thing.
Jun 6th, 2001, 10:55 AM
#15
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As her Mother, did you discuss the details of the trip with the other Mother before the event? For example, did you ask about meals? I think it would have been better if the Mom had not stopped at McDonalds before she droped your daughter off, but I don't see any great crime here. I liked your response to your child.
No one has mentioned the possibility that maybe she doesn't allow children to eat in her car. So, it may have been that she didn't want to offer your daughter a shake or fries to consume in her car.
No one has mentioned the possibility that maybe she doesn't allow children to eat in her car. So, it may have been that she didn't want to offer your daughter a shake or fries to consume in her car.
Jun 6th, 2001, 11:51 AM
#16
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Thanks, everyone, for your replies. Since this thread popped back up, I'll go ahead and answer some questions that were raised.
First of all, I found this situation weird because it would have been fine had the other mom stopped at the supermarket to pick up a ready-made dinner. I figure the difference is that McDonalds is considered by kids to be a special treat, so I think that's why it bugged my daughter. Had it been me, I would have just gone into McDonalds, fed everyone and eaten it right there.
I didn't discuss the itinerary with the other mom at all. We know them very well, and it was one of these "Oh, you're willing to take my kid someplace, that's great" kind of things.
Lately, I've taken to giving my kid a substantial amount of money to bring ($10-$20) in case this happens again. I've told her to either bring back every penny to me, or better, to offer to treat her host to a coke or snack or whatever as an expression of gratitude. I figure if someone treated me to a social outing, I'd look for an opportunity to treat them to something, so maybe it's time to start teaching my kids that rule. The first time I gave her the money, she promptly lost it, so we have some work to do.
Anyway, thanks for your kind responses.
First of all, I found this situation weird because it would have been fine had the other mom stopped at the supermarket to pick up a ready-made dinner. I figure the difference is that McDonalds is considered by kids to be a special treat, so I think that's why it bugged my daughter. Had it been me, I would have just gone into McDonalds, fed everyone and eaten it right there.
I didn't discuss the itinerary with the other mom at all. We know them very well, and it was one of these "Oh, you're willing to take my kid someplace, that's great" kind of things.
Lately, I've taken to giving my kid a substantial amount of money to bring ($10-$20) in case this happens again. I've told her to either bring back every penny to me, or better, to offer to treat her host to a coke or snack or whatever as an expression of gratitude. I figure if someone treated me to a social outing, I'd look for an opportunity to treat them to something, so maybe it's time to start teaching my kids that rule. The first time I gave her the money, she promptly lost it, so we have some work to do.
Anyway, thanks for your kind responses.
