Go Back  Fodor's Travel Talk Forums > Travel Topics > Travel Tips & Trip Ideas
Reload this Page >

18/F Traveling across country to visit boyfriend. (Need advice from older people)

18/F Traveling across country to visit boyfriend. (Need advice from older people)

Nov 24th, 2019, 02:17 PM
  #1  
Original Poster
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 5
18/F Traveling across country to visit boyfriend. (Need advice from older people)

Hello!

So as you can see by the title, I am 18 years old, and I am planning a trip to go visit my boyfriend of 6 months. We live on separate sides of the United States, and he has come to visit me twice this year. I have the money, and planned out everywhere I would be staying/going, but my parents do not approve. I'm not sure how else to convince them I should be allowed. They aren't worried about my boyfriend, they are worried about me traveling alone. My Dad unfortunately is a very hard listener and does not open up. Although, I understand his concerns, because I have never flown before, ever. I would be stopping at a layover both ways for an hour, and my Dad is extremely worried safety wise that something could happen. Traveling is my biggest dream, and the fact that I planned this whole trip, and can travel alone because I am 18, makes it so hard for me to let them say no.

My biggest thing is, anything could happen anywhere in the world these days, and I understand that I am just barely 18 and that I have never flown before, but I feel that I am responsible and I really want to experience this. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated!!

(The trip is only 6 nights.)
juls17 is offline  
Nov 24th, 2019, 02:31 PM
  #2  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 66,059
OK stick with me here. (An I am not being snarky at all) . . . In most of the world this would not even be a question. You are an adult -- for just about everything except alcohol in public and some car rental agencies. If you have the money and your parents are not footing the bill -- you do not have to ask their 'permission'. But every family's dynamic is different . . do you 'feel' like and adult or like a teenager? Do your parents treat you like an adult or a little girl? Are you level headed/mature . . . or not?

You have to decide how important this trip is and if it is 'worth' asserting your independence. No one on a travel website can 'convince' your parents. This is YOUR decision.
janisj is online now  
Nov 24th, 2019, 03:13 PM
  #3  
Original Poster
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 5
I understand where you're coming from, this is exactly my thought process, but I respect my parents and if they say no, it means no, because I still live here. I big problem with my parents it that they think this trip with my boyfriend is a distraction from my priorities here. Which makes no sense. I am doing everything right here, I got to work, get good grades, I am very independent and don't have a lot of friends. This is all I want and I don't see any other ways to convince them I should go.
juls17 is offline  
Nov 24th, 2019, 04:03 PM
  #4  
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,099
If living at home it is a tough to just go without your parent's permission. I was on my own at 17 but made some bad choices. Can you find a non stop flight that might make them feel better? I would go but they might not let you back in the house. You have to weigh the pros and cons. Good luck to you.
Macross is offline  
Nov 24th, 2019, 04:18 PM
  #5  
Original Poster
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 5
Thank you! I want to go with my one parents permission, and I will have to deal with the consequences after, it's just it's so hard for me because I want both of their permission, otherwise I will be too guilty to go. I have been trying to weigh the pros and cons for what my dads opinion is and I feel that this is something for me and my life and they should allow me to go. Especially since I am not asking much, I'm not asking for money or help, I have everything figured out, he just says no :/ Thank you for responding though!
juls17 is offline  
Nov 24th, 2019, 04:32 PM
  #6  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 957
If you're living under their roof, you need to follow their rules.
baldone is online now  
Nov 24th, 2019, 06:58 PM
  #7  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 66,059
OK -- your dad says no and you say you don't want to feel 'guilty'. So asking a bunch of strangers on line isn't going to help you one way or the other. If you are dependent on your parents . . . then you are not functioning on an 'adult' level. You are a teenager living at home. Just having saved the money is a teeny part of the equation.

Sooooo . . . when you are independent and making your own decisions and supporting yourself 100% . . . THEN you can make big girl choices. Until then - nope.
janisj is online now  
Nov 25th, 2019, 09:30 AM
  #8  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 93,074
I think your priorities are backwards. My advice would be to work on your plan to move out of their house, instead of planning this trip.

You are an adult and if/when you can support yourself (can you?) then you will be free to make your own decisions about traveling, when, where, how. Still you should respect your parents guidance, but it's not the same as when you are living under their roof (especially if they support you financially) you need to follow their rules.
suze is offline  
Nov 25th, 2019, 08:37 PM
  #9  
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 7,705
Just because you are living in your parents house does not give them the right to control what you do or don’t do. Once a parent starts on the "my house, my rules" they have lost the argument. You are an adult and don’t need their permission. You will have to deal with the consequences if you go without their permission but , if they are so concerned about your safety, are they really likely to throw you out? Life may be uncomfortable for a while on your return but will they seriously not let you back in the house? What will you do if they still have the same attitude at 19 or 20 or 21...?


Persuasion is always better that confrontation. If your father is the main problem, engage your mother as an ally in persuading your father. Consider all the likely objections they have, real or imagined, and prepare reasoned arguments to deal with those objections. If those arguments are sound then, unless your parents are entirely unreasonable or controlling they must surely accede to your request for their permission. If not then maybe it is time to start making plans to leave home.

The greatest gift a parent can give to is their independence. Except that it is not in their gift. It is your right. Self reliance is an essential life lesson and travel is the best way to learn that lesson.

At the end of the day, six days and a couple of flights across one of the more civilised countries in the world is hardly a dangerous undertaking. At 17 I was travelling on my own around some very dodgy places.

good luck and do come back and let us know how it goes
crellston is offline  
Nov 26th, 2019, 10:31 AM
  #10  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 957
I can't help but think that there's more to the story than what our little darlin's telling us. Safety obviously isn't really the issue, unless the plane is a Boeing 737 Max, lol. And will she print our responses and show them to ma & pa? The story just seems fishy. It's also telling that she's apparently willing to pit one parent against the other to get her way. That's pretty childish, IMO.
baldone is online now  
Nov 26th, 2019, 12:14 PM
  #11  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 93,074
It is your right.

Nope. I disagree. If she is living with her parents and they are still financially supporting her. If she is employed and pays rent to her folks, that is different.
suze is offline  
Nov 26th, 2019, 08:37 PM
  #12  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 20,022
Please don't enlist your mother as your ally against your father. You're asking your parents to treat you like a responsible adult, so act like one. Argue your case all by yourself. Explain how you will handle the flight connections, what you would do if the second flight is cancelled or delayed, and describe every single detail of your travel plans so that they know you're not just roaming around.

If you're paying for room and board (meals) to your parents and still managed to save enough money for this trip, then I would say you have the "right" to do anything you want, but I doubt this is the case. And, IMO, the "right" to do something isn't the same as doing the "right" thing. Perhaps the trip needs to wait until your parents are not supporting you.

BTW, what are your parents' opinions of your boyfriend?
Jean is offline  
Nov 26th, 2019, 09:15 PM
  #13  
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 7,705
Originally Posted by suze View Post
It is your right.

Nope. I disagree. If she is living with her parents and they are still financially supporting her. If she is employed and pays rent to her folks, that is different.
"Nope, I disagree" - an interesting perspective, but not exactly a reasoned argument. Up there with "not while you are living under my roof" and the classic parents fallback "because I said so" .

Children have rights, parents have obligations. If they choose to terminate those obligations, or effectively blackmail their kids into doing what they want them to do, then they are not, what I would term, good parents. Increasingly these days parents financially support their children long into adulthood, well past the age of 18, but that does not give them the right control their actions. Persuade, yes, influence yes, offer advice and good counsel, yes, nag maybe, but insist no.
crellston is offline  
Nov 27th, 2019, 07:59 AM
  #14  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 93,074
Fine, we don't agree. I think "because I said so" is OK for a parent to say when they are paying the bills and she still lives at home (which we don't really know, she could be at college at 18, the post doesn't really clarify living or financial arrangements).

If she wants to be her own boss, do her own thing, not have to answer to her parents for her actions, time to live on your own.
suze is offline  
Nov 27th, 2019, 09:07 AM
  #15  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 66,059
>>Children have rights, parents have obligations.<<

Totally unrealistic when in this case it is obvious both the parents and OP consider the OP to still be a child. She is a dependent so pretty difficult for her to assert her rights as an 'adult' when she still feels the need to ask mom and dad's permission. There are 18 yo's who are self sufficient, on their own, operate as adults and don't to ask nobody nuthin'

That does not appear to be the case here. So your characterization of it being blackmail is unfair IMO.
janisj is online now  
Nov 27th, 2019, 09:44 AM
  #16  
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 7,705
"Totally unrealistic when in this case it is obvious both the parents and OP consider the OP to still be a child". Is it obvious? I can’t see what in the original post or subsequent replies that would lead anyone to draw that conclusion. A lot of assumptions being made here.
crellston is offline  
Nov 27th, 2019, 11:25 AM
  #17  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 93,074
Yes, obvious.

my parents do not approve
not sure how else to convince them I should be allowed
I understand his concerns; my Dad is extremely worried safety wise that something could happen
anything could happen anywhere in the world these days, and I understand that I am just barely 18
suze is offline  
Nov 27th, 2019, 12:00 PM
  #18  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 66,059
Originally Posted by crellston View Post
"Totally unrealistic when in this case it is obvious both the parents and OP consider the OP to still be a child". Is it obvious? I canít see what in the original post or subsequent replies that would lead anyone to draw that conclusion. A lot of assumptions being made here.
On her other thread she posted >> My boyfriend thinks I should make the decision on my own, but I don't think that is right.<<

So even her boyfriend can't can't convince her - sure sounds obvious to me.
janisj is online now  
Nov 30th, 2019, 04:53 PM
  #19  
Forum Moderator
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,297
Multiple posts of off topic bickering have been deleted
moderator8 is offline  
Dec 7th, 2019, 10:43 AM
  #20  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 14,129
The 18F in my family is traveling in Europe unaccompanied right now. I feel so sorry to read this post.
HappyTrvlr is offline  

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are On


Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy -

FODOR'S VIDEO

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 08:26 PM.