I swear we made these tentative plans way before the movie came out.

I, along with several of my friends, turn 30 in 2004 and we have talked for a couple of years about renting a villa in Tuscany for a couple of weeks to celebrate.

However, I have been unfortunately advised that these plans have been compromised by several interlopers who, by virtue of a friendship with one of our core group, have elected to participate in this trip to minimize costs. And the core group person has jumped on the opportunity to spend less.

My objections arise on several different levels.

One, I don't know these people. I don't care if my friend knows these people. I don't know them and the thought of spending 2 weeks in the company of strangers leaves me with a chill. Especially as I have listened to my friend lament endlessly on how pretentious and self-absorbed these people are. I have never met them, however, in all honesty.

Two, the money is not a consideration. We all (3 married couples) are secure enough to pay our own way and do not require cash supplementation.

Three, our friend with these two groups in common is very sweet. I do not doubt in the least that each (all) of us are entirely comfortable with spending a week or so in HER company, just not certain about the others.

I would appreciate feedback. Should we tell our friend that we want to limit our stay to be with people we already know (warts and all) and that she is welcome to plan whatever holiday she wants with her other group of friends, or should we just suck it up and take this chance with the unknown factors?

I anticipate some of the responses: new experiences, etc. However, we are spending big $$$$$$$$$$$ to do this and we don't want to endure our holiday, just enjoy it.

I am interested in your opinions. We must make a decision before the end of the year, so we have lots of time.

My thanks.

I definitely think you need to tell your friends that THEY need to tell their friends that this is a "private" party. Traveling is very dear to me and it is very important to have people that you get along with or the whole trip can be ruined.

Yes, it's true that you might end up really liking those people, but they could also drive you up the wall!!! It's not like you're on a tour where you can get away from people without fearing hurting someone's feelings.

It won't be easy, but definitely, stick to your original plans!

Do all the people participating in these plans have the freedom to change the plans/include others/rearrange things?
If not, then I would just tell the friend that the plan was to only include the three couples.
I don't blame you for feeling this way, I would be really upset.
Since you have plenty of time, you can iron these things out now so the trip will go that much smoother.
Good luck!

Be upfront and honest from the get go. It is too important and too much of an $$$ to possibly end up in Tusan Hell. From the sound of it, you have already made your judgement of these people. Is that really likely to change between now and d - day?

I would tell the friend that I prefer to stick to the original plans.

However, I think the situation was caused not by the "interlopers" as you call them, but by your friend who invited them along without consulting with the original group members. She obviously did not realize that the rest of you might object, but since you do, I think you should be honest with her about your feelings.

Since the thought of spending time with these people leaves you with a chill, it would be better to speak up now than to get to Tuscany and have a miserable trip. Good luck!

Whoever wants to be in the group with the pretentious people can be. Just make clear you and your husband, and whomever you want to join you specifically, are making separate arrangements. That might mean you don't go with the friend who invited these people, but that's her choice. Just do what's best for your holiday. I would rather stay in a tiny hotel room than stay in a villa with people I didn't care for.

" I have listened to my friend lament endlessly on how pretentious and self-absorbed these people are. . .. . our friend with these two groups in common is very sweet. . . . Should we tell our friend that we want to limit our stay to be with people we already know (warts and all)"

I would say, YES, you should tell your friend that you want her to stick with the original plans. I selected the above quotes because it sounds like she's asking for you help in growing a spine.

"I have listened to my friend lament endlessly on how pretentious and self-absorbed these people are."

Why would anyone be friends with these kind of people in the first place? Or does your "friend" also talking about you in the same manner? Get my drift?

Hi Catherine,

I agree that you should let the core group know that you expected that this trip would be a private get together and that you are prepared to do something else if it is expanded to include strangers.

It is sometimes hard enough to spend a week or so with close friends without increasing the chances of a ruined celebration.

You might consider the following analogy: Would your friend feel free to invite some of her friends to your wedding?

In a much smaller way, I recently faced a similar situation. I had weekend posh dinner plans with a couple that I hadn't seen in quite a while, and the woman told me a few days before the dinner that a friend from another city would be visiting her that weekend, so we'd all go to dinner together.

I had met that other friend from the other city several times, and I don't like her at all (nor she me, for all I know.) I knew that my evening at this relatively expensive restaurant would be spoiled, if not by the other person's behavior, by my own gargantuan strain in trying to smile and enjoy myself.

I called my friend up and said, "I know L. is a dear friend of yours and I admire her for that, but I've never learned to appreciate her myself. I won't be joining you, but let's reschedule."
My friend was I think taken by surprise, but took it very well.

In your situation, your friend certainly had no right imo to invite (or agree to accept) others without consulting the original group. You can ask your friend to give the others the bad news, or you can tell the "interlopers" yourself that on this occasion you're all going to keep the group smaller. If the interlopers get mad, what have you lost?

Catherine, a "sweet" person does NOT invite fourth parties and change the group dynamics, not without consulting everyone else! And to invite people she considers smarmy, to boot? All to save a bit of money? What other stunts will she pull? I would worry about that.

Here's another thing to think about. Sweetie is going to have to tell pretentious that they're not welcome to join the party. This puts sweetie in an awkward egg-in-the-face position (though entirely of her own making). Is sweetie going to forgive you for this?

Thank goodness you have until the end of the year to work this out. I'd watch sweetie like a hawk if I were you.

I'll add my vote to what seems to be a unanimous opinion. The "interlopers" couldn't have "elected to participate" unless your "sweet friend" opened the door for them...something she had no right to do.

Your friend is the guilty party here, and needs to be told that she violated the "core group's" agreement. As a penalty, SHE needs to inform the interlopers that "there's no room at the inn."

Vacations are too precious to have to compromise in this way. Speak up!

I remember a friend ( no longer a friend) who would invite us to her house for dinner and an evening of visiting and catching up. We lived more than an hour away from each other.
Then when we arrived, there would always be these strangers that she 'forgot' to mention would be there too.
When she started doing this when invited to parties at our home, we quit inviting her.
Your friend tried to pull a fast one on you. Stop it here or you will be sorry. Some people seem to have no idea of what is good manners and consideration. You could always tell the other couples too and include them in your reasons for Not allowing these people to be invited.
Good luck!

sh, I belive you've come up with a good excuse for Catherine's friend to use, since she seems like a pushover who'll need one: She can tell the others that you've already found a place in Tuscany and whaddayaknow, it's only big enough for the original 3 couples!!

Or, rent two villas and let "sweetie" stay with the interlopers and you stay with the other original couple.

Rent your own vehicle, so you can have some flexibility and alone time with your husband.

Good Luck!

I ended up in a situation much like this several years ago. I didn't have sense enough then to put my foot down and say NO, I do not want to spend my vacation with people I don't know.

The old adage "Experience is the best teacher" (or something to that effect) is very true! I learned my lesson and it will never happen again.

Your vacation is too important to take a chance on it being ruined.

I would start worrying more about spending a couple of weeks with a "friend" that has such questionable judgement. You may end up despising each other.
It has been my experience planning trips with other couples, that one person has to sort of be in charge. The others have to trust his/her judgement. This doesn't mean that everyone doesn't have input, but at some point, one person has to take responsibility for making arrangements. There still needs to be room for flexibility. For example one group wants to take a side trip here, others don't. You need to allow for that. What you can't have is every decision requiring a vote and once a decision is made it can't be constantly second guessed.
You really have to be careful with whom you choose to vacation. After a few days little things start to annoy you. Allowing the interlopers is a recipe for disaster.
JoeG

I agree with the other posters - I would tell your friend to un-invite them.
It's your holiday as well, you've been looking at this for years and it should be as perfect as possible (in the planning anyway...........?!)

Even the option of splitting the group is less than satisfactory since if you were to spend your days apart, you would realistically still have to spend your evenings together unless you want to go your entire trip without seeing your friend. Since you say you have spent years talking about this, I would suggest that that is unlikely to be acceptable?
Plus, evenings are when people are tired and more alchohol is in evidence, so strong personality quirks are more evident and flare ups are more likely anyway IMO.

Your "friend" caused this, explain your concerns to the other couple, get them on board and get the source of the problem to fix it (a bit Machiavellian but there you go.)

I notice nobody has come up with the "be more tolerant" approach!?

All in agreement, raise your hands! Done deal.

Trips with the wrong group of people can be hazardous to your health. Think of the stress?!! No one needs to go on vacation already worried about the personalities involved. Traveling in close quarters brings quirks and indiosyncrasies to the surface that(I know from experience) you may never have suspected.

Go with your orignal plans and let your friend know that it is not all right to invite people on what was to be "your" vacation.

Have a wonderful time!!

Go watch "Enchanted April" then decide ... (only kidding).