Travel addicts, how can I compromise with a husband who does not care for travel??
 

We are a young couple (26 and 33) who has been married for 3 years. We live a comfortable life; have a house, good jobs, and no kids yet. However, we have different priorities. I am the kind of the person who loves to travel, ever since I remember I dreamed about traveling to different parts of the world and often told myself that as soon as graduated college and had a good job I will go traveling. My husband on the other hand does not really care for traveling. He is happy going to Key West or Daytona Beach (we live in FL) for his yearly vacation, and have little luxuries through out the year like golfing, expensive clothes, etc?.while I dream of Italy or Paris and skimp all year long on things that in the long run are not really important to me like the best and greatest computer, expensive clothes or handbags, premium cable channels, etc?.
He has been on some of my travels with me, after I beg for it and he complaints about it. I don?t know what to do about it as we have totally different priorities. I have told him that since we do not have the money to do both (his little luxuries and my travels) we could compromise: I can go on my travels with my aunt and he can get his little luxuries. That way we are not spending money for him to accompany me on trips he really does not care about anyway. But he says that couples should not go on vacation separately, while I see nothing wrong with that at all.
What to do?

Threaten him with divorce, that will shock him into travel my dear.

I am sorry, I realize this is not a marriage counseling board, but I was wondering if other travel lovers here face the same dilemma I do and how do you handle it. And no, divorce is not an option, he is a great husband over all.

I never said go through with the divorce - just the threat, and he'll be booking up a couple of months in Europe.

I think you have the answer in traveling with your aunt - or other friends. Invite him along - he can go or not as he chooses. And accompany him every once in a while on one of his tedious "vacations". Other than that - just agree to disagree on this subject and enjoy your travels.

How in the world did you two end up getting married in the first place? Go without him; or cut him off until he agrees. That will make him real happy

My husband loves to travel, but can't take the kind of time off that I can, so I plan trips without him - been doing that for 20 years. I usually go with another friend or two, but I also go alone, or with just my kids. I see nothing wrong with that.
If he can't get beyond Daytona Beach, and he actually complains when he does travel with you, you're better off, IMO, traveling with a friend anyway.

Your topic heading has your answer: Compromise. Get your husband, take out a dictionary, look up the word, and work from there.

Some other ideas:

strategy #1--
Consider traveling to someplace where "Mr. Stay-At-Home" can do some of the things he thinks are special (golf, I presume being one) and "Ms. See-The-World" can sightsee and tour to her heart's content.

strategy#2--
start small. Go ahead and book a short trip somewhere and hope he will go along and learn to enjoy traveling.

strategy#3--
To thine own self, be true. You promised yourself that you would travel when you are able. Go and enjoy. (Hopefully, a visit to a marriage counselor won't be necessary)

Hope this does not sound "preachy", but you did ask. You question reminds me to be thankful that I'm married to someone who enjoys travel as much as I do. But don't give up.

I would simply tell him how unhappy you are with the situation and there has to be a solution. He goes with you or allows you to go. (Gads, I hate that word, allows in a relationship) My husband at your age was the same way. He'd rather spend vacations with his family. So I took off once he left for the mountains and off to France I went. Once he saw how happy I was on return and seeing my photos and my tales of people I met, he saw I could exist without him and has been travelling with me ever since.

You could be describing me and my husband. He wants to spend money going out to dinner twice a week, going on weekend trips, etc. while I want to eat in, take my lunch to work, and go to Italy twice a year.

To solve this problem, I took advantage of the direct deposit option through my employer and started putting a small amount into a new checking account that was only in my name (my husband does know about this but it's different if the money never touches our joint account). At the point in time where I have enough money to take a trip, I start talking about where he'd like to go, make the reservations, and tell him about it. He actually loves going once we get there, but doesn't want to give up his dinners out (or spend such a large chunk of money at one time). He also likes the idea of showing our kids other parts of the world.

I do have a hard time getting him to agree to fly coach after we've flown first class a couple of times. We've had to do this because there were no FF seats in 1st, or there were such cheap ticket that it didn't make sense to use FF miles. The other problem is that he doesn't get as much vacation as I do and can't take off as long at one time. So I've now recruited others to go with me - my sister took her first trip to Italy with me over Easter and now can't wait to go back. Good luck!

Where've you gone with him? Has he hated all the trips he's gone with you?

Try to find travel locations that both of you will enjoy (he can't possibly want to stay at home all day if he likes going to other parts of FL).

Drummer,
Just take your Aunt or a good friend with you and go..Dont wait for something that it may never come..

Just remember that love is too Fragile, dont wait for someday, because we dont know what tomorrow is going to bring US.

Besides, I hate to travel with someone that does not enjoy doing it.

I have been married a long time, since I was 20 years old, now I have 3 grown kids and 3 beautiful grandchildren.

My DH travelled so much while he was in the AF, that now he is happy to be home and babysit our numerous pets.

I travel to Europe with my daughter or one of my grandchildren..and we have a Ball.

You dont have to spend all your vacations together and your hubby Should not Clip your Wings..

Just think about it and see You in Europe one of these days..
Ciao,

It definitely sounds like a problem. While I understand that he doesn't like to travel, its ridiculous of him to expect you not to because of it. I think you've already offered to compromise with him by offering to travel with your aunt while he stays home. You shouldn't have to give up your dreams of traveling. I know this may sound harsh, but I would just say, point blank, that I'm going, with or without you. He can make the decision from there on whether he wants to go or not.

Luckily my husband loves to travel, but like your husband, he doesn't like the idea of my traveling alone. We take a "big" trip every year. I have more vacation time then he does and tossed around the idea of going to Europe by myself but he doesn't want me to go, although in this case it has more to do with my safety (I'm 25 and have never traveled alone, so I think he's nervous by the idea).

Good luck in whatever you do!
Tracy

Ooops should have said LIFE not love, I am a terrible typist..

My dad always hated to travel and mum loved it. For years she went on smaller trips to places he would go, then would go further afield with her kids as they got a bit older (she still goes with one or more the odd time). She also went with her sisters, once with a university group and once with a ladies' travel club. She's ended up travelling all over the world (Egypt, N.America, Europe). Dad always encouraged her to go; he recognized travel was important to her. But my mom wanted to go with her husband. My parents split up a few years ago and it was in part due to simmering resentment over not being able to travel as a couple. Now my sis is in a similar situation. Her hubby has problems flying. He does try to go with her (ie Mexico, Cuba) but she has to augment that with other trips with different family members.

There has to be a way for you both to compromise. If he is so selfish as to deny you a compromise then no matter how great a husband he is in other ways, down the road the resentment you could start to feel will build and it will damage your marriage. (unless you are a saint).

thanks all for your numerous advice.
My husband gives me a hard time before and during the trip, but once we get home he brags to everyone about how much fun he had and the trip was worth it. He even reminisces with me once in a while about how great it was when we were here or there.
He just wants to be able to do both: his little luxurious through the year AND go on the trips I plan for us, but unfortunately we cannot do both as they are both costly. And I don't really consider visiting relatives or going to the nearest beach a real vacation.
Also, since we do not have kids yet, I want to travel as much as I can now because I am afraid that once we have kids, it will be very hard to travel like we do today. Or we will have to wait unti the kids are old enough to enjoy our trips with us (leaving them with someone will not be an option for us). What a dilemma.
He insists on married couples should not go on vacation separately.

Well then you are pretty much stuck, aren't you?

It is deeper than anything a Fodorite can help you, I'm afraid. He is saying what he wants, makes your trips miserable and you are going along with it.

It is a shame for you to be so young and already be under a thumb, even a nice husband's thumb.

Hmmm, I reread what I wrote and it seems pretty harsh and unfeeling.

I just know because I was in a marriage like that and my not having any say early on was a warning sign I ignored.

Good Luck, you are a whole person remember!

Parker, that is exactly how we are "He wants to spend money going out to dinner twice a week, going on weekend trips, etc. while I want to eat in, take my lunch to work."

Have you considered doing home exchange?
If you do home exchange, you can travel somewhere for the cost of plane tickets and your husband and you will not have to give up some of his weekly luxuries.

Seems, with him, it's "heads I win, tails you lose".
Is this his idea of a compromise, a two-headed coin?
Would he (and you) be open to alternate years? One year for Pebble Beach, etc., the next year for Portugal?

We are the same way. I love to travel and my husband likes it at home.When our daughter was little we didn't have much extra money for traveling so it wasn't an issue. But now that she is all grown up and we have some extra money for travel it was one.My husband doesn't care if I go, just so long as he doesn't have to.I have been to Austrailia with my sister, and South Africa with my daughter. My husband did go to Alaska with me,as that was the one place he did want to see.I always ask him first if he wants to go,but if the answer is no,I will find someone to go with.It works out better for both of us as he is happier and not complaining the whole time that he is being made to do something he hates to do.And I am not resentful that I am missing out on a travel experience that I have been dreaming about.

I am taking my first trip to San Antonio with a womens travel club in Sept..I think it will be a lot of fun.

Drummer, you do have a problem...

Marriage is not one way street, both partners should be equal even though sometimes you must compromise , but not always.
Honestly I dont know what to tell you, but he seems to me that he is quite selfish and think only of
himself..

Good luck,

It seems to me that he is the one who is not interested in meeting you halfway on this. Please excuse me, but he sounds as if he has to be 100% in control. Why is it that you both have to agree to do what HE wants to do? Approach him with, okay, one year we will spend the money the way you choose to, and then the next year, we get to do it my way. If he refuses to compromise, then you have two options, either to travel on your own, or agree to live your life as he sees fit. Since you have your own good job, I think that you are entitled to spend at least part of it as you wish. You know, you are only 26, and now is not the time for you to have to give up your dreams.

....sounds a little similar to my situation. My husband and I are 26 and 28 and I have been to Europe (with him) and many times without him - only to the same one place visiting family.
I want to go to other places, but my husband gets worried about money. He says that Europe is so expensive, and we can't afford it yet. I mean, he wants to go, and we don't spend much money on luxeries...he's just a little too cautious when it comes to that.
I told him that the vacation coming up in october should be italy for 2 weeks. He agreed, but then last week, he said we should spend 1 week on a beach in mexico and 1 week exploring the jungle....sounds awesome...but I think Itly would be better

Well, reagarding your dilema drummer0002, what can I say - if the 2 of you knew this before you got married, then it shouldn't be much of a surprise. Sorry to sound harsh, but my husband and I always talked about how great it woiuld be when we can travel travel travel....I just don't think I'm as cautious with money as he is.

Pick 1 place you really want to go to, and show him books, pictures. What is it about this place that makes you want to visit it so bad? Is it the food? art? architecture? nature? shopping? family? Maybe showing him how pationate you are about something, will give him that drive to want to take you there....worth a try!
Good luck to you.

Dear drummer0002,if your husband does not enjoy traveling,why force him? If he hates it,he will ruin your vacation too.It is really not worth it.I have the same dillemma,even though we traveled together 4 times (literally)- and we have been married for 20 years.
I usually go with girlfriend or with my daughter.I feel free to go anywhere,anytime and finally shop!Do not tell me that some husbands/boyfriens will wait for hours for dearest love to try on 10 pairs of shoes!Would you be happy to wait and waste hours of precious vacation time? - Exactly...Last time I went on Med cruise without DH (with my daughter)and we had a great time even though I wish he was with me.After the cruise I was talking constantly with my friends and family about Europe,and Venice and this and that and guess what?Seeing me so pleased with my vacation while he stayed home,he agreed right away to go together this year.I guess,he's got jealous!Do not threathen him,it will only make him more stubborn.Instead,pretend you will be happy to go with or without him and have somebody to tell all your travel stories.Make sure your DH is listening to it.Maybe he will get interested!

He doesn't want her to travel without him either, he said married couples should only travel together and that is what puts the crimp in her plans.

You have a dilemma, drummer, better drum some sense into his head or you will live a woebegotten life.

At the risk of stating the obvious, you could take a trip by yourself (lots of people go solo) or with a friend or relative who enjoys traveling or by joining a tour group.

Regardless of the fact your husband believes that "couples should not go on vacation separately" that is merely his opinion, not a fact. For example, my sister has been happily married for 27 years and she and her husband often go their separate ways (on vacation) because their hobbies and interests are very different.

If it is important to you, and it sounds like it is, or if his controlling dynamic influences your life in other ways too, I would suggest counseling because this does not sound like a 50/50 marriage.

"How can I compromise" is from your title. One sided compromise is called giving in and no one should have to about something that's important to you.

It is sounding a lot like counseling, which I am in no way qualified for. But, a thought. If he's not hearing how important this is to you, see if he can give you a solution to the problem. That may open his eyes to what's wrong with his logic. As it stands, it sounds like he has you in a bit of a corner and is only seeing it in pieces, as it makes sense to him.

One thought: Ask him what the compromise is. "I know you enjoy golf (whatever) more than anything else and that it makes you happy. I want to make sure that you have the chance to do that. Likewise, I feel that way about exploring new places. I'd like you to tell me how we can both do what we love most. I think we both deserve that, don't you?".

With some luck, it kinda puts the ball in his court and hopefully gets you a partner in compromise. Just a layperson's ramblings. A professional's ramblings may be a better solution.

Married couples should never be joined at the hip. I don't know how you change his thinking, but that doesn't mean you have to do it his way. My guy has neither the time nor the money to travel with me so I find a good travel-loving friend to go with me. Nothing worse than having a complaining companion to drag around the world. You are right to try to do this now before you have children because, although travel with kids can be done, it certainly adds a whole other dimension to the trips. Now, just what would happen if you went with your aunt? His reaction would tell you a lot more about your marriage than just how much or how little he likes to travel.

Clifton, I think your proposal is excellent - it's not aggressive, it's about opening it up find a solution that keeps both partners happy.

Palette, I'm with you. Marriage does not mean merging of two people into one, it means that a commitment of two INDIVIDUALS to each other. Whilst I occasionally refer to my husband as my other half I emphatically do NOT consider us as ONE entity. When we met my husband wasn't into travel - purely because he'd never really experienced it. Coming from a large and fairly traditional family their holidays were always UK based. When we met he joined me on several trips and enjoyed them immensely. Whilst he will probably never have quite the obsessive compulsion to travel that I have he understands my desire to travel often and joins me on MOST trips.

BUT neither of us have any problem with the other doing things on their own according to interests we don't share and also just to spend time with our other family members/ friends. I've been to France with just my sister, and just with a girl friend. I'm taking my mum away for a weekend to Cornwall next month. I went to Kenya with my dad a few months back. Pete has been to long weekends in the UK with fellow PC Gamers.

You are married. You are committed. You enjoy each other's company. That doesn't mean you must change until you are identical to each other and if you agree with that and retain your separate interests then it makes sense to support each other in those interests, sometimes by going along with your partner even if it wouldn't be your number one choice, and sometimes by encouraging them to do it without you.

I agree that married couples w/o kids should vacation together. I also agree that before you have the kids, you should travel as much as possible (afterwards too, but the expense is much more).

To square that circle, you need to get him to SMARTEN UP. The fact is that going to Daytona or the Keys is a weekend jaunt for Floridians, necessitating only a hop in the car or a short plane trip, not something as special as the "annual vacation" that we Americans get too little of and like to plan in advance.

There may be other issues here -- like if you're the 26, maybe you married young and didn't know him that well; or if you're the 33 there are other issues, especially considering the maturity of a man 7 years younger (I'd know about male immaturity -- I'm generally only 85% as mature as my younger fiancee on a good day). Whatever consideration you put into those issues is your own. Until that is dealt with, however, you need to jointly prioritize: overpriced clothes OR golf outings and a weekend or two in the Keys OR Daytona in exchange for DrummerGetsHerEuropeanVacay.

Wow! and I thought I was the only one. Compromise was the solution for us. Kids were gone, money wasn't an object and I wanted to go to London and Paris and I wanted him with me. I simply love to be with him and wanted to share the experience with him. Well after many unpleasant conversations, I realized that he has always wanted an RV so I bought him a second hand one and now I tow him around Europe and he tows me around the U.S. Also on the Europe trips, I always include some things I know he would enjoy and have also found that it helps if we separate a few afternoons and go our own way. He has loved all our trips and we have wonderful memories.

My husband found the travel bug after I went without him. The next year I told him my vacation plans and said I would need to know by May if he planned to joiin me. He did and has enjoyed traveling ever since.
The bummer of his new found adventerous spirit is that we no longer have someone home to watch the dogs.
Be careful what you wish for and give your aunt a call.
(Just kidding, I love traveling with the hubby.)

I was in a similar situation. I love traveling, my husband is only so-so on it and not big on going and DOING things when we go somewhere.

After a couple of years of being frustrated, I gave up.

I now travel with my mom or friends, and if I have to, will go alone. When he can, he joins us.

Works for us. :)

(Similar thing: we're both 28, no kids, married 4 years)

Now we're talking about something I know a great deal about! My husband simply will not travel, and for many years I stayed home to make him happy. When I turned 45, I told him I was going to Europe solo, and to my surprise, he agreed. I have traveled to Europe every other year since. Would go more often, but we simply can't afford it. I love traveling solo -- if he were to go, he'd be miserable, and that would ruin my trip.

We just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary, and my gift from him is a wonderful solo trip to Wales. I'll be leaving September 3rd. I'm so excited!

PS I realise I didn't make clear - I DO think couples should spend at least SOME of their holiday (vacation) time together. I just don't think they have to spend ALL of it together if they don't share the same interests.

That said, this is much easier to deal with when you get 20-25 days leave a year than if you've only got 2 weeks in an entire year... so perhaps it's easier for us to be able to spend most of our trips together but still have time left over to take long weekends without each other.

Resentment tends to fester and will damage the relationship down the line. You need to deal with your husband's controlling ways now or you'll be able to travel alone all you want after the divorce.

And for heaven's sake, if it's so difficult to deal reasonably with something so important to you now, what do you think life will be like after the children come? Will he be more likely to want to give up his "little luxuries" then? Sounds like a lifetime of Daytona Beach for you.

Is "The Stepford Wives" playing in your town?

Take him to a marriage counselor to figure out the real reason. Is this jealosy, he's afraid he may lose you if you go alone? Is this about money, he thinks he may have more luxury if you stop travelling? Is this about "what the neighbors will say"? Is this a control issue?

My husband and I have the exact same issues, but the difference between my husband and yours is that mine is very supportive of me travelling alone. Of course, I often wish he had the passion for travel that I have, but he doesn't and I can't change that, just as he can't change me. So there's the compromise--if he refuses to travel with you, then he shouldn't complain when you travel alone.

My husband knew when he married me that travelling is a major part of who I am and I will not go through life without it. Personally, I could never spend my life with a man who not only refuses to travel, but will not allow me to do so. I think Faina is right that counselling might help. Good luck, I wish you well.