drummer,

At your age and and without kids, I think it could be a mistake to take separate vacations at this stage of your marriage.

I do agree with others that there is a control issue at work here. You do need to come up with a solution that is agreeable to both of you.

My suggestion would be to consider short week-end trips. Maybe a trip to New York or Las Vegas. Italy or France might be too intimidating for a variety of reasons right now. He may be too overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life and a big trip might seem too frivolous (most of us here know this is not true, but it takes some of us many years to gain this knowledge).
Try to expand your horizons with shorter getaways and before long you will both have a taste for something bigger.

Bon voyage

JoeG

This is a very interesting topic of discussion!! I always wondered about this issue and had assumed every Fodorites was married to someone who loves travelling.

I'm 26 and single, and the last guy that I dated told me that he couldnt remember the last time that he was in a plane -and he doesnt like flying period. While my partner doesn't have to love travel as much as I do, I realized that I'd be better off finding someone who has interests similar to mine.

I have a husband who said he likes to travel, but it turns out only to the places he likes. Sound familiar?

I think that you should give him the option to accompany you and if he says no, call your aunt. I have tried this and he suddenly changes his mind. I also travel alone. The interesting thing is we just returned from a cruise that didn't want to go on, and he's still talking about the great time, places, people, etc.

If married couples should only travel together, tell him it works both ways.

One more thing.

Many years ago, well before you were "a gleam in your mother's eye" there was a show on tv by the name of Route 66. Every week two guys would drive across the U.S. in a red Corvette, stopping wherever the story line said too.

It inspired me to do the same thing, except I did it across Europe for six months. I did it alone, without any real second languages. I had adventures. I got sick. I had car accidents. I met marvelous people. It was the greatest thing I ever did for myself.

I left an excellent job to do it. And when I returned six months later, the job was waiting for me.

The funny thing was, that when I met my husband, some seven years later, it turned out that he had also done a similar trip.

I'm not saying to leave your husband or your job. I am saying, that when all is said and done, all we have is our memories. I hope that your memories don't include being told what to do about one of your priorities.

drummer, I clicked on your name and see that you are planning a trip to Spain?

It is interesting in this discussion that in all cases discussed only men do not like to travel and women do.

I do now want to open can of worms but why women are more inquisitive about the world than men.
I did not mean to be offensive, just curious.

I am lucky enough to be married to man with the same interests and we are happy when at home and when traveling.

More, I am a travel agent (please do not remove my post, nothing commercial in it). My husband joined my business few years ago and now this is our work as well as passion.

In my profession, and travel I've seen many couples like this compromising.

I have client/friend who loves history and art and architecture and loves travel. Husband is not interested, however, he always goes along with her. We went together with them last year on a barge trip Belgium/Holland and that guy usually goes on his own, looking at stores, talking to local people, while she was going with us sightseeing. However, in the evening, we would go to the bars together.

I also saw on a Med cruise a men who came with his wife. He was at the pool on the ship, Royal Carribean Adventure on the seas. The ship arrived to Athens and people were getting ready for exciting day in Athens. That guy said his wife is looking forward to Athens. It was hot. He told us: I am happy at the pool with my beer. I told my husband - why would someone go to Med and stay at the pool without visiting the port? However my husband replied - he does it for his wife. It made me think how people adjust to each other.

Drummer, in your situation, you might take him for vacation where you stay in one place and take day trips. Again, cruise may be an option, although I do not like it - not enough time to expreince the local culture.

Another solution: some castles or interesting accommodations in Ireland and other countries provide many sightseeing options including golf. He can play golf, and you take day trips and stay in Irish castle. Good food and drinks. You might want approach him with that: "how would you like to play golf on best courses in Ireland". Or, other alternative is walking tours. If he is into nature, then a small group of people walking in Alps would get him looking forward . Or horseback riding.

otherwise, if you drag him on general sightsaeeing, museums, cathedrals, he would hate it. Start from vacation which geared to his hobby: golf, horseback riding, sailing, cooking, etc..

Good luck.

you can choose a place that has the option of the "beach" life so that he can just hang out at the beach and then you can go explore the rest of the city... When he sees all the cool places that you've gone, he will come with you next time... My suggestion: Go to a european island where he gets the luxury of sand and beach, and you get to see ancient/interesting/foreign places..

There is alot of effort being placed on this question.

I don't think drummer has come back to read all about it either.

After all, it is easier to give in.

I don't think there's anything wrong in couples taking vacations separately.


But even assuming he's right, then , there no more reason for you to feel obligated to stay than for him to feel obligated to come with you. If he's really sincere when he says so, then tell him that he *must* come with you, since you're a couple, and couples don't go on vacations separately.


But honestly, I think that actually he wants it both way : he doesn't want to be under any obligation to give up the things he likes, and want you to feel obligated to give up the things he doesn't like.

I would agree with a previous poster : show him the definition of the word "compromise" in a dictionnary. Generally it implies *both* persons making a step towards the other one. Not only one on the basis of made-up "principles" that only you are supposed to comply to.

I think it would be interesting for you to print off these responses and show them to your husband. If he's the nice guy you believe he is, he shouldn't be threatened but curious about how other couples deal with the issue.

The first thing he'll realize is that married couples do not 'have' to spend their holidays together. The rule isn't written down anywhere and it's obvious from the responses that many couples have lovely marriages and still spend time apart.

Second, he might take to heart some of the responses that warn of resentment, etc. if the issue isn't resolved in a true compromise-like way. Saying he doesn't want to go anywhere and that married couples shouldn't spend time apart is not laying the ground for a genuine compromise.

And third he might expand his thinking a bit to contemplate somewhere he might go that would meet his Daytona Beach/golf requirements but add something extra for you.

Thankfully, I have a husband who, although not as eager as I, loves me enough to want to be on an adventure with me. Wherever that is. That's how we think of it, not thirty countries in 10 days, or seeing museums and sites that we really aren't interested in but we have to go because 'everyone' just does. If you look on travel as a way to learn/explore/laugh about something together, it can be Daytona Beach one year, hot air ballooning in France the next and laying on a beach just down the road the year after that.

Remember, it's the journey that's important, not necessarily the destination.

wow .... so i'm not the only one .... this is "relatively" true for my husband and me ..... i have that burning desire to travel .... I don't need jewelery (although it would be good to get that AND travel:)) or expensive gadgets, a large house or the best entertainment system .... unless I get to travel, having these things will not make me happy. And I'm willing to give these things up so that I can travel. Hubby -- he wants everything. Spends on the house, on computers, printers, cameras, you name it. Has to be convinced that we have the money to travel (every time). But once the tickets are booked, he is completely on board. He gets excited and probably gets as anxious as me. It is a little frustrating that travelling does not mean to him what it means to me ... but I sure am glad that he enjoys it.

My plan - well - I hope that we can make enough money to never question the ability to travel. And yes --- I support the idea of special saving account for financing vacations. I will be doing that as soon as I finish my degree which I am pursuing part-time together with a full time job.

My advice --- if he has been on some vacations and complains about it after you both are back, I think you just need to take a few trips without him. I think he would be a willing travel companion once he realizes that you can go without him AND have a good time. However, don't give up on him. GOing with your spouse is a real joy -- if you can just get him to see the joys and experiances of travel.

GOod luck

- lifetravel

Start saving money and then you can start doing all your travel after your divorce. Yes, AFTER your divorce, because he sounds like a total control freak and either you will get tired of it, or eventually, he'll leave because he'll want to control someone else.

Like others I apologize for being so harsh, but I think your problem is MUCH bigger than traveling!

Hi drummer,

My advice is that one year the two of you do what he wants and one year the two of you do what you want.

Or, if you can afford it, switch off every six months.

You can't go along forever resenting not being able to travel.

I also suggest that you print out this whole thread and leave it for him to read - unless he knows who drummer0002 is.

wow, never thought I would get so many responses. I do like the idea of take him golfing to Ireland.
Currently, we are planning a Mediterranean cruise departing out of Barcelona. He will go with me but while we wait for the date to come, we argue about it. That is my problem, I want to stop the arguements. While I am trying to save as much as I can for trips, he wants to spend the money on other things that to me are just frivulous.
Yesterday I told him that I was going to start saving for our next trip after the cruise, maybe to the Greek Isles or Northern Europe in about 2 years (I plan waaay ahead, it is like a hobby to me) or so (we are planning on getting pregnant on our next trip, at least start trying) and he said that it was a big waste of money...arghhhh.
It is hard to compromise on things like this because we share accounts and we make decisions together. Ah, the joys of marriage, it has its ups and downs, that is for sure!

drummer0002,
While I was reading this thread I expected more people suggesting a trip to the British Open (which is on now) and perhaps the LeMans auto race. When the race or match are over...you've got him! There are several beaches on the Mediterrean Coast that would interest a young man also...nudge nudge!

My husband wont travel and now that i have raised my family and have a little cash behind me i have taken off for 3 months the last two years and intend to continue doing so for as long as my health and finances allow. There is no way in the world i would not go and it isnt much fun going solo but i would rather go alone that have a grumpy reluctant hubby with me. besides it means i can go twice as long. He plays the poor hubby who has to stay home and work while his wife travels the world but all our friends no the truth. i do coach trips so am never really alone, although the saddest thing is that i have no -one close to share my experiences with. i fix that by emailing home as much as i can. hubby keeps all the emails and makes them into a diary for my return.

Believe me, I'm no marriage counselor. The mere mention of Key West makes me wonder if he's gay.

What I can say from the experience of several marriages, each person brings their own selfishness and control issues to the relationship. Sometimes couple's counseling is the best way to get at the root of such things because, apart from simple travel/spending differences, these issues can run deep and eat away at the core of your love and eventually cause great bitterness and resentment as time goes on.

My mother and father were inseparable, mostly because my father wanted my mother by his side at all times, and for a long while she didn't mind. He was a boater and Mother succumbed to supporting <b>his</b> pleasure. They, too, were seven years apart in age.

My mother longed to see the world, my father didn't. She finally said yes to Paris, at age 60, leaving my dad behind because he had no desire. He wasn't thrilled but let her go anyway. He wasn't about to fight with me. This was the first time in their long marriage my dad had to fend for himself for two whole weeks.

After that trip, my mother said, &quot;No more boating!&quot; Unfortunately, she died three years later and never left the country again.

My dad was, and continues to be, a very selfish man, in spite of being a teddy bear. My mother loved him with all her heart and compromised until it was too late to change.

I've come to learn that in order for any relationship to thrive and grow healthily, both parties must find a near-equal plane from which to launch and nurture. If one person is giving more or sacrificing more, and the scales of love and need are tilted too far apart, a recipe for sadness and loss looms.

It's good that you recognize and acknowledge what you see and feel now. Now let's see you try and grow from here. Good luck.

Wow! That is really sad! I think it might help to have a little heart to heart talk, find out why he doesn't like to travel and tell him all the reasons you love to travel. If he says it is because it is to hectic and crowded take him to Croatia along the Dalmation coastline, Hallstatt, Austria, an island in the Caribbean or Baja and stay put. There are plenty of places that offer a slower pace than Paris, London, Rome and Barcelona. Do some research and make sure you make him part of the planning process once you have found some relaxing destinations

If he still won't travel with you agree on a certain amount of time a year that you will vacation together and a certain time a year you will travel with someone else.

An example of this BB at its best, what a lot of thoughtful and insightful postings.

Sad to hear that. I doubt he will change unfortunately; I mean there is a possibility but kind of slim...
If you can travel with your aunt then go for it. And if you cannot then go alone. You have to enjoy your life too.

If I could add another, slightly different slant here: it's not just that drummer's husband doesn't want to travel, it's that he sucks the fun out of planning and anticipating, which is -- I'm sure we all agree -- part of what's great about traveling.

I agree with cigalechanta and everyone after her who advised drummer just to go by herself. I had a sort of stick-in-the-mud husband at first, too, whose attitude was always &quot;will I like it? I bet I won't. I don't want to do that.&quot; I woke up one morning and said, pfooey, I'll go without ya! I refused to discuss it further, just found a friend and went. He began to decide that he couldn't &quot;let me&quot; go alone (and have all that fun?) and maybe he'd come too. But he was still grumpy about it, and I tried to move heaven and earth to make it appeal to him. Until I woke up one morning and said, phooey, either get with the program or don't come.

Sometimes I wish he'd take on the responsibility of all the planning, and my idea of heaven would be if he'd surprise me with a trip planned as carefully for me as I do for the two of us. But that ain't gonna happen -- and I'm happy that we have become a travelin' couple. He brags now about the places we've been, too, and I think part of that is that we have a lot of travelers now among our friends, so maybe he's risen to the friendly competition about having been to interesting places.

But drummer, in addition to convincing YOURSELF that couples don't have to travel together and that you can go by yourself, I know that you also need to get him to recognize that his attitude, whether he comes with you or not, is really corrosive to your good feelings about him. Perhaps it's a matter of counseling, perhaps it's a matter of being around people who value travel more than an in-state golfing vacation, perhaps it's a matter of have people like us tell you to &quot;go for it, girl.&quot;

But don't let him drag down your enthusiasm. From the perspective of having been there myself, I'd say he can go cheerfully with you and enjoy himself, or stay home and keep his mouth shut.

Like others, Mrs. 0002, I worry that you are being a bit of a wimp on this one, and you might also be romanticizing how marriage is supposed to go in a way that DH isn't. Sharing finances, etc. etc. is fine if you share priorities, but clearly you don't. And your priority seems to be to make DH happy, compromise, share, and he seems to want to do it his way, period, with pronouncements like &quot;waste of money&quot; and &quot;couples don't travel separately&quot; to head off any possible compromise. All the whining or cajoling or compromising in the world won't improve that, might make it worse in fact.

I'd get clear and calm about what you want before you sit him down to get the whole issue off &quot;dead&quot; center. Point out to yourself as well as DH what you threw away in parentheses: &quot;it's like a hobby to me,&quot; from planning to going -- and as you said, it's really more than a hobby, it's a life-long dream. DH doesn't get that and he needs to, whatever it takes.

Like you, I have a husband that doesn't care to travel outside his set parameters. Unlike you, he does support my desire to travel. We did honeymoon in Ireland, and he did enjoy it - sort of - but doesn't care to repeat the experience. He just doesn't want to travel abroad. We do compromise in that I will gladly drive down to Baja and camp in the sand so that he can fish, and will gladly do a road trip with him. But your dilemma is that your husband is insistent that you must both travel together - for all vacations. And for me, there's the rub. What could be worse than to be stuck on vacation with someone who is constantly complaining and whining, or grumpy and grumbly. God, take me now! I feel for you, I really do. One of the things I've gotten really good at is bargain travel. Like the suggested trip to Ireland for golf. What a great idea! Ireland is one of my favorite destinations, it's kind of a 'man's country' (I'm gonna get letters!), and it can be economical, if not cheap. Perhaps you can plan other trips with budget in mind, where you will be able to indulge your love of travel to foreign climes and STILL be able to afford some of those little luxuries to which your hub seems so addicted. Like the home exchange idea someone on the thread suggested...Anyway, I wish you every kind of good luck...

drummer0002, I think you did a great job of describing this issue in your original post: you have different priorities. You are into &quot;experiences&quot; and your husband is into &quot;things&quot;. I know a lot of people like that; maybe most people I know. They see a trip as a week's splurge. I see it as another important and permanent contribution to my view of life and the world. A lot of things wear out, go out of style or need to be replaced. Experiences become part of who I am.

Unless you have great resources to work with, this would be difficult enough, but his belief that &quot;couples should not go on vacations separately&quot; is sort of a 'be reasonable; do it MY way' kind of position.

Marriage is partnership, not ownership. This is an important issue in your life and you have a lot of it ahead of you. I know plenty of people who are living with their personal jailers because they did not assert some personal sovereignty early on and over time, they built their own monsters through constant accommodation. Reaching a reasonable compromise that allows you to flourish and achieve your aspirations will be nourishing for both of you in the long run.

Don't bury this one and hope that things will change in the future on their own. You deserve to reach your ambitions and your partner will be at his best when he learns how important it is to help you do that. Good luck!

oh I just love these dear abby posts...

Actually, I don't think drummer has good priorities either, both of them sound somewhat fiscally irreponsible and immature. I am much older than 30 and do have a good, pretty well0-paying job, and it wouldn't enter my head that I am scrimping and sacrificing because I choose not to buy expensive clothes and purses or subscribe to premium cable. I don't buy them because I don't want them and I don't have premium cable because you don't need all those channels and I'm not interested in sitting around watching cable that much. I don't know of hardly any 26 year old with that good of a job who should be spending money like this or have these priorities. The European vacation isn't staying in 2* hotels and spending modestly, it's a Mediterrean cruise. Kind of an odd choice for a 26 year old who is concerned about money and arguments on the expense. If one really needs to scrimp all year for a European vacation, I think they may be overextending themselves or they don't have that good a job as claimed, as you can travel fairly cheaply if you want. The idea that one has to try to get pregnant on a trip is another immature fantasy that has no purpose.

It's rather coincidental, but since this post this issue has been popping up all over the place -- I've seen some article in the paper and then yesterday, they had a story just like this on the radio on NPR's This American Life. Now that was really a good story -- about a husband who was an ex-cop who wouldn't let his wife go anywhere because he was afraid of crime, but he also had no interest in going anywhere outside their house on vacation, not even Daytona. As he put it, he hated everything people take vacations for -- he hated eating out, hated hotels, hated beaches, etc. They should have that story online to listen to for free, I'd recommend it. It was an interesting ending after she did go to Mexico with a friend without him.

Christina, I heard that &quot;This American Life&quot; story and it fascinated me because the couple seemed to fit an old stereotype but in a slightly updated way, wherein Wifey manages to manipulate Silly Old Poop into noticing he misses her, and then she happily goes back to preparing his snacks and drink just the way he likes to have them served. Reminded me of the last line of Pygmalion/My Fair Lady: &quot;Eliza, where the devil are my slippers?&quot;

drummer0002
What about traveling with a girlfriend. My husband loves to travel but every other year I take a trip with a friend or sometimes my sister. My husbands only worry is that I'll spend too much money shopping.

Yes Christina I found that very odd too, about trying to start a family on the next trip. If the difference in goals and philosophies (not just travel goals, but also finances and even the very nature of a marriage) is so vast between this couple that drummer is looking for advice from total strangers, then they shouldn't be thinking about having children at all, let alone indulging in some romantic unrealistic fantasy about conception on a trip being more special than a regular conception.
Kind of like a couple of my girlfriends - who spent enormous amounts of money on fancy weddings to guys that they knew in their hearts were not right for them. I get so frustrated at young women who are so focussed on these romantic fantasies that they can't see things in a realistic light. It's the MARRIAGE, the PARTNERSHIP that's important, not the one day of the wedding and the most expensive dress and fanciest hotel. It's the FAMILY, the life of the CHILD, that's important, not the moment of conception taking place in some exotic location.

I think secure husbands have no problems with their wives either traveling alone or with a friend. My best friend and I usually meet for a yearly trip, sometimes big, sometimes small, and her husband has no problem. Their marriage is secure and he has no fear that she is traveling to get away from him or to meet someone else. They also take trips just the two of them and as a family with their daughter. On the other hand, my parents who have been married for 54 years don't like to go anywhere without the other, but that is their choice and neither one dare to rain on the other's parade and they compromise all the time, maybe that's why they've been happily married for 54 years?

Hi drummer
I read all of this thread (so far) and was elated to see all the great suggestions. While they were all good, may I suggest you go back and read Clifton and Flyboy again. I think they pretty much put the finger on it.
I have spent years in an office dealing with this kind of stuff, and I can say with a relative degree of certainty that this has nothing to do with travel -- it is only the symptom. There is a reall good chance that flyboy is correct in the value differences between things and experiences. We surely cant go into that here -- but something is there. I have a feeling that if you do an inventory of this kind of thing in your marriage, you will probably find other examples of &quot;shoulds&quot; which translate into 'my way or the highway' type of thinking on his part. I shudder to think how many shoulds he has concerning kids. At any rate, if you compromise away your desire to travel in favor of the beach, you will begin to resent it a great deal and eventually this and other one-sided 'compromises&quot; will land both of you into counseling -- usually after its too late.
I dont intend to be a prophet of doom here, but I have unfortunately seen it happen a lot. You both seem to genuinely care about each other. So plan your next trip, grab your Aunt and have fun. Whatever the real issue with him is will come to light.
Shrink

Although this is not a marriage counseling board, I think drummer has gotten some great advise that I hope she will consider. The problem is clearly a much larger issue than to travel or not to travel.

drummer0002, you have got loads of fantastic posts, but I have one really important question-
What is your husband ACTUALLY afraid of?
He seems to be quite happy taking holidays in local environments.
The minute overseas travel is mentioned, he seems to retreat into the &quot;couples should go together or shouldn't go at all&quot; routine.
It's a real indication that he fears a lack of control. He knows HIS environment- but going elsewhere is scary.
So therefore,since he considers himself as your protector, YOU shouldn't go anywhere that falls into the &quot;scary&quot; scenario either.
Personally- I reckon he has a lot of growing up to do. If you want to go somewhere- then just go. Hubby will have to learn to deal with it, but I reckon it won't take him a whole lot of time.
If your hubby is actually going to travel with you-he firstly has to deal with his own pre-conceptions and misguided fears.

This is the one time when I wish I were a counselor since there are always TWO sides to every story and I would love to hear the &quot;other&quot; side of this one before offering much advice.

However, I was saddened to see a very earlier on post that advised you to &quot;threaten&quot; divorce, or some such, to get what you want...if there were ever a &quot;wrong&quot; way to deal with a relationship problem it is that one IMO and unfortunately I think it is all too common a practice.

Good luck. I guess this is one more reason I always tell my friends who are thinking of cementing a relationship to &quot;travel with them first and then decide...&quot;

http://www.golfinfrance.f9.co.uk/

So? Maybe there is another couple and the &quot;he&quot; of the other couple golfs and &quot;she&quot; does not. The boys go off doing this...and you and she see Paris and meet up at the CDG at the appointed day to leave!

Ireland, Scotland, England, Spain, Portjugal, Asia, (and I have no idea if Italians golf! mmm... I'm off to check!)

Yes, this is a travel forum so we all side with drummer as she wants to travel. I suspect the husband has his side to the story that could be equally convincing.

But we will never know, it seems like drummer has jumped ship anyway.

Well.... I MIGHT side with the husband if I heard his side of the story...
As noted a few posts back by Christina, drummer's planning a Mediterranean cruise, which seems quite an extravagant trip for a 26-year-old. She also plans to try to conceive a baby on their next trip. Why does a baby have to be conceived on a trip? You either want one or you don't, and if you do you shouldn't care where it's conceived as long as it's conceived in love. Seems like she has romantic fantasies that perhaps are out of touch with reality.

Drummer0002 - I'm concerned for your marriage and see definite red flags going up. I won't repeat what others have said. I agree wholeheartedly with Flyboy, Christina and Shrink.

I'd suggest you postpone thoughts of children until you resolve the control issue. A child will only complicate your life futher.

To quote you from earlier in this post, &quot;My husband gives me a hard time before and during the trip, but once we get home he brags to everyone about how much fun he had and the trip was worth it. He even reminisces with me once in a while about how great it was when we were here or there.&quot; Discuss this behaviour with your husband and explain to him how it makes you feel. If he cares for you he will stop. He is being childish, controlling and mean. Yes, you get your trip with him, but at what (emotional) pricetag? You are being trampled all over! How can you possibly enjoy a trip (or life) with someone who treats you this way?

Ira and others have offered true compromise positions. Life... especially marriage, is give and take.

NYCFoodSnob offers a bleak and sad alternative. Other people's life experiences are good teachers and can save you a lot of pain.

Please, please work this issue out before you bring a child into your life!

Good marriages allow each partner to follow their passions and dreams.

- Sharon

This is a fair question since it pertains to how travel decisions should be made when more than one person is involved. It needn't be restricted to married couples.

drummer0002, you're lucky to be starting out married life in the era of the Internet. I sure would have liked to have a cfc or a flyboy give me such good advice at 26.

Domineering people always have reasons for why they dominate, often along the lines of &quot;God made me do it.&quot; Oddly enough, God never suggests they acquire the patience and yes, the humility to listen to other people or acquiesce to other people's reasonings or, for that matter, to what God might have told other people. :)

It took me 20 years to learn how to say when my loving, but righteous friends and/or husband read forth a decree from the Mount of Olives, along the lines of &quot;married couples shouldn't take separate vacations&quot; (and we will now sing Hymn 456...):

&quot;Before we decide whether separate vacations is the best way to solve this dilemma, tell me why you think one half of the couple sets the rules for couple behaviour. Maybe rules, even more than vacations, should be made together.&quot;

Good luck!

<i>&quot;NYCFoodSnob offers a bleak and sad alternative.&quot;</i>

Well, that's the funny thing about love. One person's sad and bleak is another's bliss.

Even though my mother had always wanted to see the world, she loved her husband so much she wasn't really interested in seeing it without him, until she turned 60. She certainly didn't regret any of her compromise prior to turning 60.

People make choices and compromises all the time, in the name of love, and they don't look back with regret. They just do what they do until they decide a little change is good.

I'm afraid my own personal feelings about my mother's sacrifice influenced my voice in what I initially wrote here. My mother wasn't sad and didn't view her choices as bleak. In fact, if she had to do it all over again, I have no doubt she wouldn't change a thing.

I'm the one with the independent spirit and the refusal to compromise. That's why my first marriage to my first love ended. He was terribly insecure and had the need to control me to keep me. He wanted me to always be there for him. (He was so controlling and selfish he dumped me in Venice, for goodness sakes, with half a trip to finish.)

Years of therapy made me realize I don't want to marry my father or emulate my mother's love. I found out I can't allow myself to fall in love with insecure, controlling men, no matter how sensitive they appear to be or how cute.

My last husband was the best. He adored my talent and my success and never stood in my way from achieving any dream or goal I wanted to pursue. And I gave him the same freedom and support in return. He also loved France and Italy. It's just too bad his life didn't last longer. I miss him so (and haven't met anyone, yet, who comes close).

NYCFoodSnob... there is a world of difference between compromise and resentment.