mr wunrfl, you are the grease on the bubble & squeek.

Hi,

just up the pike from me, friends in Philly call the traffic jam which comes about as a result of an accident, "gaper traffic"

very descriptive!

Two rather unsavory derivations on "That went over like a lead balloon"...
"That went over like a turd in a punchbowl" and "That went like a fart in church".
My Grandma would always say about everyone... "I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him".
My personal favorite putdown is
"He's uglier than a pimple on a hemroid".

I've always liked "Playin' handball against the curb" when somebody's down or having a bad day.

Another that comes to mind for someone particularily irritating or aggrivating to me is "he/she is a mere pimple on my universe". Always puts things in perspective.

My grandmother told me a phrase her dad use to say, "If you're sittin' up with me, I'm feeling much better now." Aparently, this was a way of hinting to guests that they had stayed too long.

My grandmother also uses the phrase "I'm so mad/That made me so mad, I could spit!"

In response to " I wish I had..."

Reply- Wish in one hand, sh*t in the other, see which one gets full first.

Anyone else heard that one?

Why try to be a Great Dane
when one is a poodle.

All vogue on the outside,
and vague in the inside.

Years ago, I knew a rather mild-mannered actuary who got a new boss with origins in our sales department. After a meeting, the actuary was asked what he thought of his new boss.
His reply: "I sure hope his dick is longer than his attention span."
That's been in my repitoire ever since.

I'm from the Deep South and here are a couple quotes.

It was a real frog strangler! (Had a lot of rain) OR It was a real turd floater!

OR...

He's so full of sh*t, his eyes are brown.

Sharp as a donut. -- Dumb as a stump. --Like white on rice.

"when pigs fly! " Exclaimed when in doubt

"don't get your knickers in a bunch".
Said when someone is geting overexcited about something.

"Once in a blue moon"

Well I was sure I had a unique example with my Arkansas Grandma's expression: "I'm fine as frog's hair." But Dovima beat me to it! (two years ago!!)

How about my Aunty who had lost her glasses around the house and she said, "I have lost my glasses and I won't be able to look for them until I find them." Very bad eyes or just scatty.

Time to revive:

"All fur coat and no knickers"
"All mouth and trousers"
"All kippers and curtains"

suggesting various different ways in which people's public show is not quite the reality.

"Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs" - mock amazement.

Some Aussie ones

Slippery as cat s**t on lino.

Got a face like a smashed crab.

He/she is as crooked as a dog's hind leg.

I'm so hungry I could eat the crutch out of a rag doll through a wicker chair.

Ah well, phrases for ugly/prissy folk are not uncommon in the UK (we'll make up our own jokes about that, thank you):

Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp (or licking piss off a nettle).

Or one from the sainted Victoria Wood "When she was eight, our Jean looked like a dinghy with plaits".

I like a saying that I think is Texan in origin, "He's all hat and no cattle."

Maryfran commented on the fact that I love a German expression, "Ich verstehe nur Bahnhof." In English, "All I understand is 'train station.'" It is used when you're reading something and you don't understand it. I think it's quite funny, but apparently it doesn't translate.

translation: "It's all Greek to me".

"Whatever blows your skirt up."

"A few lures shy of a fly rig."

"When God's dog was a pup," i.e., a really, REALLY long time ago.