The following may be of help to first time visitors to Scotland for those that are travelling from Down South (Englandshire way). Please find below a list of DO's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country. I hope they are of some help in allowing you to understand our social rules and etiquette.<BR><BR>It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks in Glasgow Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as The Numpty) will be only too happy to pay.<BR><BR>i.e.: BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.<BR>TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.<BR>BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.<BR>BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.<BR><BR>In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking the local single malts, this tells the locals that you like it so much that you want to make it last longer. After your first sip announce to everyone in the bar in a loud voice "This is pish!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na' lavvy meaning Water of God.<BR>Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and has some of the best surfing in Europe.<BR>Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall Street in Edinburgh. There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of its height it offers all year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant on the roof of the castle.<BR>There is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is found on Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at night a trip up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver that you want to go up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies coming out and he will be happy to oblige.<BR>The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says "You'll have had your tea?"<BR>The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.<BR>Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As it is well known that carrying small change can tear people's pockets, these bankers will approach tourists and ask if they have any spare change. Once given this money they will exchange it for coins or notes of a higher denomination. In order to deter criminals, these Banker often dress in a scruffy unkempt manner but they are all highly trained in finance.<BR>At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the bagpipes. They are employed by the Scottish Executive to provide tourists with spending money which can be found in bowls beside them. Feel free to take as much money as you want.<BR>If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National Orchestra it is considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!" during quiet sections of music.<BR>Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley, a fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an orange man!" and you will receive a warm welcome. <BR>"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into producing something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter that it tasted like a great jobbie.<BR>

I thought we'd touched bottom the other day but it seems keith has decided to start digging. <BR><BR>Fodors, please remove this rather xenophobic posting.

Randy, I'm Scottish. I live in England. My wife is English, as is my daughter. This came from an English friend.<BR><BR>Don't call me xenophobic.

I thought it was pretty funny

Keith, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! <BR><BR>Randy, You must be a stranger to the term "tongue in cheek"!

Naw..randy is just strange period

ttt

You posted it, Keith, making you a xenophobe. My family are Scotch/Irish in origin and I think this posting is offensive. <BR><BR>Again Fodors, I ask you to remove this.

tsk tsk randy surely you must know by now that keith is a regular and thus cannot be criticized!

Randy - for pity's sake, it's just the British sense of humour, no harm meant so don't get so uptight! BTW, you may have "Scottish" or "Scots" origins, but not "Scotch" unless your ancestors were bottles of whisky.

I'm sorry but I find it incredibly demeaning to my forefathers.<BR><BR>Scotch is correct. The term Scotch/Irish refers to the Scots who moved to Ulster, Ireland on King Charles' request THEN moved to USA.<BR><BR>Keith should acknowledge his error of judgement and contact Fodors.

Randy, I could just about see your point about it being offensive to the English - after all, it's a series of jokes aimed at them - but the Scots? Come on! Anyone from Scotland would be able to see the funny side of this (surfing in Braemar? Ben Nevis in Edinburgh?)<BR><BR>Anyway, last time I checked "xenophobia" meant "hatred or fear of foreigners." Since I am Scottish (not Scotch - that's a drink), and I don't consider the English as "foreign" (unlike many of my compatriots) I can't be xenophobic.

read above post. I'm not talking about a whisky.

This is the funniest thing I have seen on this site for a long while.<BR><BR>Made even funnier by the American responses. Dear dear, must we all be politically correct according to the Gospel of Saint George (Bush)?<BR>

We Scots obviously know nothing.Good job Randy is here to keep us right.I always thought that those who were very touchy about insults to "their" country were xenophobic.Not Randy, who is an expert in hundred year old misprints.<BR>On your knees, Keith.

And while enjoying the culture and banter do not forget to sample the world famous "Glasgow Kiss"<BR>The Big Numpty at any bar will oblige.

Having a grandfather from Scotland and having friends there,I am not offended,nor were they!<BR>I think some people look for insults wherever they go.This is just humorous,relax and try to be happy.

This is a jibe at a once-proud people. Thinking it's funny shows how ignorant you are. <BR><BR>It's disgraceful that this posting is still here when other, more light-hearted threads are deleted.

Erm ,Randy, you seem to have missed the entire point. This is having a go at the English, not the Scots, and as an English person I'm prepared to take it on the chin like the girl that I am. I'm sure my forefathers would be able to see the joke as well.

kate<BR><BR>keith now realises he shouldn'thave posted this thread. I hope you can see why, too. All joking apart, it's pretty sick stuff.