julie_Colorado

Hmmmm... Personally, I'd be a bit worried. I often travel alone (esp. since I travel frequently for business - and get a good bit more vacation than my husband). But if my husband took a 7 week vacation... and I took a 4 week vacation... Yet I dreaded the idea of him joining me for just that last week. I'd be a bit concerned.

I think a great compromise would be to plan that last week in Rome as a romantic interlude. And if that idea is really difficult for you - I might consider digging deeper on what is really going on.

georgiegirl

You are not alone. I was worried that there was something wrong with me. I went to France several times alone. I made several trips to my homeland, Thailand, alone. I sent him to Thailand by himself 2 years ago. He stayed for 3 weeks. I had a blast at home with my dogs and cats (3 each). Well, we are going back to France next September together. Hope I come back home sane. Our marriage is fine after 35 years.
Happy New Year to all the experts on this site. Thank you for your stories/advices.

ira

Hi J62
>I'm not exactly sure 7 weeks as crew of a sailing vessel in the Caribbean would classify as well chaperoned Ira,..<

The OP said, "...with various friends and relatives..".

I'm assuming that the relatives, unless they are various nieces, will maintain propriety.

hoya_rambler

No, you are definitely not alone. I applaud you for understanding your differences and embracing them. At least you can both enjoy your vacations and appreciate each other during everyday life. My husband and I have only been married for three years, but we too sometimes take a few days on our own (though seven weeks would be a lot for me- I might change my mind after 25 years though . It's ironic how my husband can spend days on a golf course or a boat, but he get immensely bored after 15 minutes in a museum or any type of shop. Enjoy your time in Rome!

jgarvey

Wow! These responses have been terrifically supportive and informative. I just KNEW that there were some fellow travelers out there who were making this sort of plan work for them. An insightful comment from "harsha" about the personal space thing. I really do believe that this is from whence the conflicts arise. At home, at work, there is a lot of space and time for privacy and solitude, so you can get off by yourself for awhile to go have a drink or lunch with friends, or just take off to the upstairs bedroom and read a book or take a long bath while DH watches sports (or,in my case, the book channel). The message from this, I believe, is to take some little jaunts off by oneself even during the vacations--as one poster suggested. While I check out churches, museums, or go shopping, he can find something he likes to do alone to give us a break. I even know of one couple who purposely arranges for separate seats on the plane ride to get a little breathing space from each other before getting back home.

About those seven weeks. Yes, I am invited to join him (and his sister and cousins) on the boat, I just simply choose not to this time. I have had my fill of water, sleeping on a boat (not comfortable or glamorous at all!), pumping out the john, and being the cook and bottle washer for him and other guests. I have seen enough beaches with nothing more than a bar or a tee-shirt shop, I have drunk enough Pain-Killers and other sweet rum drinks to last me a lifetime, and I have eaten Mahi Mahi cooked in every possible way--enough to grow gills! Even with sunscreen I get brown blotches on my face, and there is no A/C. Do you need to hear more? I think not. So...this is the first time we have done this, an experiment you might say. And I do believe that he is growing tired of the lifestyle himself and beginning to miss the comforts of home and being in his bunk at night with his DW.

He will be home at the end of January (maybe before--if he gets lonely enough) and we will be together for two weeks before I take off for Rome for one month. It is likely that he will join me "on my turf" for that last week in Rome if he promises to behave himself and stop his grousing about the activities that I enjoy.

Again, thanks to all for this great conversation about a touchy subject. You have all made me feel better about this "experiment." I hope I haven't given out more personal information that you need, but it has been kinda fun to share.

Please let me hear some more.

julie_Colorado

You tickled a brain cell when you said:

>> At home, at work, there is a lot of space and time for privacy and solitude, so you can get off by yourself for awhile to go have a drink or lunch with friends, or just take off to the upstairs bedroom and read a book or take a long bath while DH watches sports <<

Have you ever considered renting a home somewhere. We rented a beautiful house in Umbria. I think a big part of enjoying this so much was the ability to do exactly what you are describing.

ira

Hi jg,

I take it that you are no longer interested in sailing.

>....we will be together for two weeks before I take off for Rome ...<

You might want to consider taking off before he comes back. It could make the reunion in Rome that much nicer.

Dukey

About those seven weeks. Yes, I am invited to join him (and his sister and cousins) on the boat,

and then you say you have had your fill of doing all the scut work for all those other "guests" which apparently has included his sister and cousins...

Do I detect a bit of ANGER here? (and probably justifiably so)..what would the sister and cousins be doing during this sequence?

Sounds to me like there's more to this than the need for space and solitude.

Jolie

My husband and I also take many trips apart. He is very tall and refuses to fly coach. So he doesn't accompany me on long flights (Europe, Asia) until he has enough frequent flyer miles to upgrade, or unless he's willing to shell out the $ to buy a first or business ticket.

So I will often travel alone, or with a girl friend, or even a tour group if I don't feel like making arrangements myself (ex: Machu Picchu). In the meantime, we take shorter trips together (maybe Hawaii, Las Vegas) or he takes a short golf trip by himself or with his club (I don't golf).

It works fine for us. The only "drawback" (if you can call it that) is sometimes I have to return to a place I didn't intend to see again, because DH didn't get to go with me the first time, or vice versa. But over-all, we're happy with our system.

jgarvey

Oh, Dukey! Give it a break! Why do you always have to turn to the dark side? Our marriage is fine. I'm just tired of going sailing with him, friends, and relatives as my only vacation. And I've decided to give him a break from the type of vacation that makes him surly. We have at times spent a few days alone on the boat, and that has actually been very pleasant. I am not a sailor, however, and can't really help him with the sailing part of the trip between islands. Others do that, so I think it is only fair for me to take over some of the galley duties (the galley wench), something I at least do know how to do. Bottom line? I would just rather see the great art and architecture of Europe, get acquainted with other cultures, and drink something besides rum and eat fish. And he would rather sail in the BVI.
Enough already? Relax!

LoveItaly

Hi jgarvey, when we went sailing with friends or family member I did not crew either so I also did the galley work..and work it is!

We had a Trojan so that was more enjoyable than being on a sailing boat. I have never found a sailing boat to be that comfortable.

I would chose Rome any day over sailing, lol. I was just lucky that my husband loved big cities (as well as beaches and the countryside) so all of our trips together were wonderful. We would go separate ways for a good part of the day from time to time however and then meet up for drinks and dinner.

Best wishes to you. Your time in Rome with your daughter sounds so wonderful.

FainaAgain

I have an opposite "problem". I love to travel with my husband, but he hates travel, period. We do make short trips once or twice a year. For longer trips, I am on my own.

It's not a problem as he lets me go without him to any country!

jgarvey

LoveItaly and Faina, thanks for the supportive replies. At least someone else knows what it's like to work the galley, to feed and clean up after the sailing crew. Although I really don't want to give a totally one-sided picture and must say that we have had many crew members (both male and female) who have been extremely helpful with many of these duties. The last time I was on the boat (last July/August) was only two months after my total knee-replacement surgery, and I was well cared for by all on board, even the DH. BTW, what is a "Trojan?" Ours is a 37' Catamaran, which does make it more stable and therefore less likely to create seasickness for those who are prone to this.

Faina, I think that I am well on my way to being exactly where you are. My guess is that DH acts the way he does sometimes because he really doesn't like any type of travel except on his boat, but he "tries" to do it for my sake. He is the happiest and most relaxed when he is the "captain" and in control of everything in his own domain. But when he goes along with me to see castles in Ireland, churches in Rome, museums in Florence, gift shops or antique stores anywhere--he eventually just loses it and blows, which makes everybody around him miserable and unhappy, especially me. And as far as taking a cruise or a guided tour? Forget about it! I have already been informed that this will never happen in our lifetime.

So...this is why we are now trying this little experiment, to see how it works. Granted, 7 weeks for him alone or with just family and business associates on a sailboat in the Caribben may seem a bit extreme, but this is the way it's going down for now. I am starting to hear some subtle clues from his phone calls and emails that this may not be the fantasy life he dreamed it was, especially without the love and comfort of his DW aboard. We'll see. Sometimes these things just work themselves out in time, when reality and actual experience set in, right? My mother always told me that the more space (rope?) you give a man, the closer he will stay to home.

And all of the above is the reason I may also tell him that I want to go on my Rome trip alone, to carve out some of my own space doing what makes me happy, and having no one's level of comfort to deal with except my own. We will see how all of this plays out in the near future.

Well, I fear that all of this is starting to become too personal and sounding like my own little dramatic soap opera. Perhaps this travel forum is not the place for al of this. Sorry if it has become tedious and boring.

It seems that mostly other women have responded to this thread, and I thank you for the sense of comaraderie and "sisterhood" that your sharing has given to me. Just let me know if you want updates of the next installment.
Peace and goodwill to all of you spouses who have made a success of traveling together! May the force stay with you along the many paths you take together.
jg

SeaUrchin

"he eventually just loses it and blows, which makes everybody around him miserable and unhappy, especially me. And as far as taking a cruise or a guided tour? Forget about it! I have already been informed that this will never happen in our lifetime."

eek, I think you married my ex!!
Stay in Rome!

Amy40

jgarvey, I don't have a heck of a lot to add to this conversation (he pouts when I shop, he gets tired of looking for "just the right" restaurant, I am miserable crawling through a musuem for more than 45 minutes, I drive too fast and get pulled over, he want to keep up on intl. news on the TV...all this and we still travel together!)

But, I want to tell you that I lived on a 42' cat for two years and you have my complete sympathy. If it isn't something you absolutely love, it just becomes a chore. (Oddly, we left the cruising life because he was done, not me! Quite strange in the boating world, I know.)

Everything takes three times as long to do, whether it's cooking, washing up or provisioning. I found doing laundry to be the most odious of chores. First you have to find a third world laundry tub that isn't filled with rust and then once the clothes are clean and dry, you have to get them back to the boat in same condition. Or there's the three bucket method, wherein one hopes to avoid the next rain shower on the almost-dry items on the lifelines. I could go on and on....but I know I don't have to...you know the drill. I don't get your feelings about this as Anger at all. You're simply experiencing a sense of completion.

And if I could spend four weeks in Paris with a friend or loved one other than DH, I'd jump. The longest I've been in Europe "alone" is about a week...on two occasions. I confess, I did miss them...not just him but my young daughter as well. But if I had the chance, I'd sure work on managing my homesickness!

I do hope you'll post again and let us know how this all plays out. I will be particularly interested to learn how long the seven week trip actually lasted! ;-)

tcreath

Luckily my husband and I travel fairly well together, but I don't think your situation is too uncommon. I had a conversation with a co-worker a few months ago and she was saying that her and her husband don't really travel well together, mostly because he is more adventurous and she is happy just lounging by the pool and shopping (this was while they were in Jamaica). She was thinking about traveling on her own for the first time this coming year, and I told her to go for it!

I think a month in Rome sounds absolutely fabulous, and I say go for it!

good luck and best wishes,
Tracy

jgarvey

Maybe I have! How old is he now and what are his whereabouts? The Caribbean on a boat? Really, Seaurchin, this is the problem and why I posted the thread. Other than when traveling together, this negative behavior just doesn't happen, only on trips. Otherwise, all is great and we are "loving spouses," as I said. In all other respects we are a very compatible couple. We have the same tastes and love being together (26 years now--5 children). That is why I posted my desperate thread. What happens to an otherwise gentle and loving spouse when he travels out of his comfort zone? Perhaps I have just answered my own question : He is not in his comfort zone; he is in mine. When I am sailing rough waters, I am not in mine. Hence, as I said, the reason driving these two separate trips. Please don't misunderstand. I really don't need couples' analysis or therapy here; we have a professional therapist for that. I guess what I am really wanting to know is--does this happen to anyone else? If so, how do you deal? I am thinking that what we are trying now for the first time is the only way to deal with it. And from what I have heard from several others on this site is, so what? We travel together in the limited circumstances that we can cope with together, and we take other kinds of trips with family or friends. We come back home and share our adventures and photos with excitement; then life goes on as usual. Perhaps we and our marriage will be the better for it. I am already talking to my other retired girlfriends about taking a cruise together in the spring or summer, just the girls. And now, one of my nieces is talking about joining me and my daughter in Rome.

So, why am I whining and looking for a little advice and shared experience if I have it all figured out? Because I'm sad, that's why. Sad that we cannot share these two indivdual and understandable interests together at this stage in our marriage, sad to have to give up on the idea that in our retirements we would have to travel to Europe and other continents separately. But mostly I reached out there because of needing reassurance that other couples have encountered this same hurdle, worked out an agreeable compromise, and have continued along with an otherwise happy and successful marriage.

I am very grateful for the feedback and hope that this discussion has helped us all. Thanks again for your willingness to partake in one of the more personal and intimate aspects of travel.

jg

roadlesstraveled

Hi jgarvey

Go and have a wonderful time.

I have been married for 22 years and have two almost adult children and a very demanding career. I went to Florence and Venice for 15 days in late March by myself and it was one of the best experiences of my life. My husband went to Sturgis, South Dakota for a motorcycle rally with a friend in August for two weeks and it was one of the best experiences of his life. We both came back from our trips refreshed, revived and enthusiastic.

As a family and as a couple we have taken many trips over the years and we agree that from now on we will take at least one solo trip each year. This means that I will be going back to Italy for 3 weeks in March and he will be going to Wisconsin for a big air show in June(?). I love Europe and he prefers to travel in the United States.

We are both looking forward to our respective trips and enjoy comparing notes on how the planning is going. It is also nice for our cats when someone is home to take care of them.

You will have so much fun you will want to go again next year.

jgarvey

Roadlesstraveled, thank you thank you, thank you for such a kind, uplifting message. Our cats will be grateful too!

samting

jgarvy: I think you are 'spot on'. Travelling can be stressful, and being married is stressful enough! (ha ha). While we don't go for long intervals without each other,we do go for short ones, (he goes skiing, I go to the ocean 0r to our beach house) and it is very theraputic.