Please help. I am leaving for Paris and the Loire Valley in about 3 weeks and need to know what to wear. I am trying to decide between my hot pink stretch pants with the oversized flowered top and just a nice pair of red spandex pedal pushers with a fairly plain print top (with a deep V neck). Also, will my shiny white sneakers be ok with either one of these outfits? As I want to travel light I plan to take only one outfit abd wear it for the duration of my trip (a full 2 weeks) so I want to be sure to take the one that will make me look least like a tourist. Also, should I wear my money belt on the outside or inside of my pants? And, the final question, where is a good, inexpensive (under $50 night), 5 star hotel in Paris that has a free all you can eat breakfast, sort of like the buffet at Shoneys? Is it true that all the French eat for breakfast is stale bread and strong coffee?????

Just how knotheaded are you? <BR> <BR>Can't you even construct a good troll?

Dear Knot, <BR>I think you should go with the pink stretch pants and floral top, if you have red hair all the better. Just make sure that it is a very deep (bright) pink, that way the dirt won't be visable and you will only have to do laundry once or twice. Maybe you should consider taking a nice yellow or purple belt to add a touch of glamour for evening wear, then you can add a pair of yellow or purple earings too, preferably big plastic ones would match the outfit well. I really think you should think about taking some clarks sandles instead of the white sneakers, they would be much better for all the walking, and I am sure you have enough time to get them dyed a nice shiny white. The money belt MUST be worn on the inside of the oversized top, in front, then another facing the back side, hehe, then please don't forget to have one of those pouches to wear around your neck. It must be big enough to take your passport, plain tickets, money, credit cards, fodors guide, tissues, chewing gum, plasters, clean underwear, map,etc. Try not to overfill the pouch, but just incase it is a little heavy and cause neck pain and headaches you should also carry some painkillers and vallium in the pouch. <BR>I am not sure about the five star hotels because I never stay in more than 2 star, but I can tell you that the French do eat smelly cheese with the stale bread and black coffee. If you take my advise I think you will be just fine because you sound like a very sensible person. I am sure you are going to have a wonderful trip, please tell us all about it when you get home, oops I mean if you get home!!

I think the hot pink stretchies would be perfect, particularly if they are a little too small and your adipose tissue jiggles when you walk. I encourage you to wear the deep V neck top, so that you carry no secrets. Because relatively few people will be dressed that way, most Parisians will have trouble knowing what you are.The last thing they would guess is "tourist." <BR>I think you can find a 5-star hotel that meets your description if you go to <BR>ponte de l'Alma, left bank. Then, head down the steps and follow a sign that points to the Egouts. <BR>Les Egouts is a famous hotel that has discounted rooms because of the limited view, but their room decor is unrivaled in Paris. <BR> <BR>No, the French don't eat stale bread for breakfast. They go to La Brioche Doree and stock up on pastry goodies. <BR>Hmmm. HMM Good. Just like Campbell's Soups used to be. <BR>As for the money belt, the low slung over the derriere interior position is best. The belt will be outlined of course, but by wearing it low, a thief would have a relatively difficult time pulling it out and making off with it. <BR>I think if you also had a metal chain to help secure it, would-be thieves would seek an easier target. (Not necesarily a smaller target mind you.) <BR>Theft prevention is another good reason for wearing very tight stretchies. The tighter they are, the more difficult it is for someone to remove your money belt without your knowing it. Also, if you fear it sliding all the way down, a set of suspenders for men should hold it up just fine. Just make sure you get the clip variet rather than the button variety. <BR>Also, take along a little soap to wash your stretchies. You might include a broomstick skirt in your carryon just in case the stretches don't dry overnight. <BR>I think you can do that and still meet your goal to travel light. At least with light weight luggage.

Now I have seen it all. Boy George started his own troll.

well, whatever pink you'll wear, you will stand out in any crowd in europe ! <BR> <BR>

One outfit is a bit limiting, considering how fashion-conscious the Europeans are. <BR> <BR>I suggest you get a few baseball caps. The best have company logos on them, and you'll impress the Europeans if they see you are affilated with such great copanies as Caterpiller, (the bulldozer people) and NASCAR, the car racing folks. If you wear your caps backwards half the time, you'll double your wardrobe without have to carry anything extra. <BR>Don't forget Ziplock bags, so you can get all you need for lunch from the breakfast buffets, and carry it with you all morning. <BR>Enjoy your trip. <BR>BAK

May I suggest you tie a washcloth jauntily around your neck? Or, as a change of pace, the hand-held shower apparatus? <BR> <BR>I like the baseball cap idea; be sure at least one has a clever saying like "this isn't bald; this is a solar-powered sex machine". A t-shirt with an equally-clever slogan, or a heavy-metal band logo, works well, too. If there are a few grease stains from a Big Mac, you'll fit in even better. <BR> <BR>For a five-star hotel in your price range (Les Egouts tends to fill up fast, especially during the rainy season), check out the hotel chain "Les Gares" - there are several dotted around the city, and though a bit noisy, have all the amenities (rooms are not en suite, though, you do have to go down the hall to the bathrooms). <BR> <BR>La Brioche Doree stores are wonderful; they are conveniently located next door to Les Dentistes. If you ask the clerk, she'll give you Country Crock instead of butter. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR>

Can I get real Diet Coke at La Brioche Doree, or should I bring my own from the good ole USA?

This is a real treat to read - after all the posts re how to dress properly and not stand out as a tourist, this one really made me laugh! The image of the 'jiggling adipose tissue' and tight stretchies - hilarious!

If I wear the tight pink stretchies with no pockets, were will I put my haggis in a tube. (grin grin)

And be certain to ask for a doggie bag for your left-over dinner.

What a wonderful hilarious post. Most of the responses did a fantastic job at carrying it on. <BR>But how about that 2nd responder...don't bit the troll (or something like that)? <BR>How sad to go through life with absolutely no sense of humor. <BR>Kudos all --- keep it going!

OMG! I'm dying here! <BR>You guys are too much! hahaha! <BR>Don't forget some really dark sunglasses!

Perhaps you can find some really comfortable sneakers in pink to go with the adorable outfit. Don't forget to keep an extra ATM card tucked into your socks (pink of course) and be sure it has 4 numbers only. This outfit will certainly allow you to blend in and look like a non-tourist, despite the fact that you are seeing London (Paris, Rome, Vienna, etc.) in a 3 hour layover at the airport. You will probably be moving along so fast there is no need to worry about roving bands of gypsies just waiting to separate you from your money so just go and enjoy yourself. Oh yes, don't forget to take some of those big pink squishy hair rollers because you really do want to look your best each and every day.

As for the haggis in a tube, I understand that Stellarosa now sells a haggis tube holder that you wear like a cartridge belt. Instead of a gun holster, there is a bread holster so you can carry along bread on which to spread your haggis. (That is something he picked up when he visited Dodge City.) <BR>The loops are attached with velcro and can be adjusted to hold haggis tubes of various sizes. <BR>The large economy size of haggis in a tube is about the same girth of the large economy size of toothpaste but somewhat shorter. <BR>As for the beds at Les Egouts Hotel, I understand that it is one of the few hotels in Paris that water beds for the guests. Make sure that the one you get is properly moored. <BR>

Dear Knot, <BR> <BR>I agree, do not forget the sun glasses. However, they are not for you, just everyone else who has to look at your hot pink pants. <BR> <BR>Your one outfit is fine for two weeks, just remember to turn your clothes inside out every other day so that no one catches on. <BR> <BR>I would skip the money belt. Instead, I would wear a garter belt on the outside of those hot pink pants, with cash sticking out like a stripper. If a European likes how you look, they will add more cash. If, however, they dislike your appearance, they will take cash to cover the cost of trama. NOTE: Pack lots of cash. <BR> <BR>I would not worry about food at all. Should you walk into any dining establishment with inside out dirty, smelly, hot pink pants, I am sure the scurrying crowd will surely leave some pieces of food on their plates for you to enjoy and treasure. <BR> <BR>In addition, I would not worry about a hotel room either. With hot pink pants, and a garter full of cash, some misguided drunk will probably mistake you for ( one of those types of people) and offer you shelter for the night. <BR> <BR>

Dear Fodorites, <BR> <BR>Ma just got out of jail (armed robbery again) after doin' 20yrs and she just can't wait to show off those dagnamit pink shorts again. She just knocked off 3 liquor stores (the same ones she did 20 yrs ago) here in Butfunk, Ohio and is planning to "hide out" in Paree. I'm so happy ya'll have assured me that she will not stick out. I sure hate to have to bail her out of jail in gay ole Paree! BYW do any of ya'll know if Greyhound stops in Paree? How bout Amtrak? She sure is looking forward to eating that smelly cheese since she's gotten sick of eating all that dang beef jerkey.

I think we all forgot the most important thing - this dazzling creation in pink really should bring her 6 week old baby with her (wrapped in a pink blanket of course!!) on this once in a life-time trip.

I hope I'm not taking us too far afield, but a few critical points have been missed. I'll lay them out outline-style so they'll be real easy for Knothead to remember. <BR> <BR>1. News flash from Paris! Parisian women now wear their capri pants with nylon knee-hi's. If the elastic top and reinforced toe shows, so much the sexier. <BR> <BR>2. Don't forget to consider the delicate subject of underpanties. Given your wardrobe choices, you might wish to bring out all of your old thong panties. You know, the ones with the holes in them. You can discard them in your hotel upon departure or arrange them neatly on the pillow for the maid in lieu of a gratuity. Thongs are hard to find in Paris, and the maid will be eternally in your debt <BR> <BR>3. You'll be pleased to hear that service in French restaurants is exceptionally quick. If your waiter is slow, snap your fingers loudly and holler "Hey You" or words to that effect. If he gives you any lip, blast him good in any language but French. No sense giving him the upper hand. <BR> <BR>4. Ignore all that nonsense about cash, money belts and ATM cards. Get real, people. That advise is so "nineties"! Knothead, the only thing you'll need is a Diners' Club card. Leave everything else at home where it will be safe. 'Nuff said.