Dearest Hubby has always been content to let me plan everything, as I am an obessive planner and he is a go-with-the-flow type of guy. When I suggested we should go to Italy next year, he agreed. When I asked him if he had any particular places in mind, he told me to plan what I wanted, he was game for anything. Same ol', same ol'.

But- when I told him the very simple three week itinerary I had put together, he got all Rick Steves on me. Instead of spending our whole time in Italy, he suddenly wants to go all over the place: London, Amsterdam, Paris, Vienna, Switzerland, spending only 2-3 days in each place to "get a flavour", as he calls it. This from a man who once spent over a month in Paris never venturing beyond his own neigbourhood because he wanted to "get a feel" for everyday Parisian life! My previously laid-back DH has turned into a trip-planning speed demon who wants to cram all of Europe into one trip(we may extend to four weeks)This a complete change in him and
HE IS CRAMPING MY STYLE!

Not only do I have to share the planning with him now (LOL, I know) but, for the first time, we seem to want different things from this trip (I'd be happy spending our whole time in only Florence or Rome)

I don't know if this is a question or a gripe (both, I guess) but has anyone experienced this sort of clash when planning a trip with your partner? How did you resolve it? Any advice on how to reach a compromise? Silly questions I know but this a new challenge for me.

Kay,

As a guy, I think this may be about being in CONTROL. How about suggesting that you rent a car and drive through Tuscany for a few days - with your husband planning the itinerary and doing the driving?

Hope this helps,
Andre

Aarrggh! That's one thing I hate about the Rick Steves book - this idea of doing Florence, Venice, and Rome in 5 days; Oslo, Stockholm, and Copenhagen in 3 days, etc.

The car thing sounds like a good idea. Also if he insists on this super-rapid itinerary, make him write down precise and realistic times for all transport, sightseeing, meals, and sleeping so he will see how rushed it really is.

Amazing Kay! Maybe if you go ahead with his suggestions and make him pack and unpack at each hotel every 2-3 days and carry all the luggage from point A to point B, he may never make a suggestion again. Of course, you might be divorced too. LOL

I intently dislike this fast a pace, with the flavour of the day so to speak. Who can remember! After return home it's a total blur.

Sorry you have such a problem and sorrier yet I don't have any really good advice. But what I did suggest would serve him right! quot;>

Thanks for the feedback.

Andre- the car idea is a good one. Maybe it is about control. DH owns his own business which means he has both a lot of control and responsibily in his work life, and he usually likes to "relax" ie not have to plan, when it comes to vacations. He's more likely to complain that we "do" too much on them. So this is very out of character! Maybe his work-self has killed his vacation-self, like how George was worried about Relationship-George killing Friend-George on that old Seinfield episode!

WillTravel- I, too, shudder at those Rick Steves itineraries that cover three places in one day. Having DH write out the logistics of his itinerary is a great idea, as I don't think he appreciates how rushed it will be. Why? Because I've always done the planning in the past! This may be an interesting exercise for us both

I agree that it may be a "control" issue but it seems a little unclear as to just who really wants the control. If the DH (what an interesting term given the circumstances) really wants to do all of the stuff he says he does then "allow" him to do the planning (can you live with that I wonder?)...I suspect he may start to come around to your way of thinking when he has to do more than sit back and watch you sweat the details. If he's really as "dear" as you say he is then this proposal shouldn't cause any problems.

Have a nice quiet dinner with candlelight and explain your concerns
to him in a romantic, rational manner
and ask him to compromise with you
as you pour more wine.

Sorry Giovanna, I missed your post. LOL! I know, I don't WANT a mere flavour. His problem is, he did a few lightening-speed tours of Europe while touring with an opera company when he was younger. Never had to check in, never had to drive himself, never had to lug heavy bags around. So of course, it was all very easy and I'm sure that's how he thinks his itinerary will feel. Yeah, not till we win the lotto and travel with a staff!

JonJon, he really is a dear but you are absolutely right. If I let him try to work it all out (and yes it is hard to sacrifice my hold on planning lol)surely he will see the light. I'm just afraid he will end up really thinking it's a good idea.

Natalie, I think I'll pour myself some wine right now. Thanks for the idea!

If you sneer at his heeding the advice of Rick Steves (or anyone else) you are going to make it harder, not easier, for him to heed YOUR advice.

Don't criticize him for suddenly changing his mind. Presumably, you would be quite happy if he suddenly changed his mind from what he wants now to what you want.

Do not attack his character, even in fun. ("Trip planning speed demon"??? )
Your mutual goal should be to design an itinerary that will reflects and above all, respects the differences between you, and you can't do that if either of you are preoccupied with trying to reform the other. (Leave the saving of souls to the Vatican.)

Kay honey, Try picking out paint colors for your future home ...Talk about Clashing!! Imagine, the man thinks that he has a vote in my decorating!!
Does he think this is a democracy or something????
Like it will be his house too???

Sorry, we were talking about travel, ok, I have had this happen a few times.
I am the one home the most, going to the library, getting the travel guides, he talks to his clients all day about travel and where to go what to do..I do the real work! Then he comes home and wants to change everything based on something a client told him.
And everytime the same thing happens, I get all pissy because it is MY trip
Last big trip to Italy started out all over the place, he wanted to see Rome and Florence, I wanted to see Venice and tour Tuscany. We almost made plans to do it all, some sort of If it is Tuesday it must be Italy, kind of trip.
We just sat and calmly as possible (I tend to get dramatic over things - I know, you would never know, would you?)
but we make lists of what each of us reeeally wants to see and do then we exchange them and go through them and whittle down the list until it is doable.
That Italy trip ended up being Flying into Milan, then on to Florence, a few days in Tuscany, train to Rome, fly home from there.
Hope this helps..if not, let me know and I will tell you about the Silent Treatment Strategy

My first thought on reading your post was: Typical Man!

Yes, it's about control, but it also seems to be what Scarlett suggests: someone ELSE tells your DH something and he's all gungho for it, not having considered the consequences.

It sounds like you have done all the vacation planning so far, so, if it were me, I'd let HIM do all the planning this trip. Let him sweat all the details. I wouldn't even offer to help unless he asks. Who knows? You may enjoy dashing about all over the continent!

Just MHO!
easytraveler

Kay, do you think it would work if the two of you split the trip? He could be in charge of the first week, you'd take the second, etc. If he wants to do whirlwind, you'll be tired at the end of week one. So you can pick out a place to stay for the entire second week to relax a bit. Then onto another whirlwind.

I think one thing you'll have to practice NOT saying is "I told you so" even though the temptation might be strong! And don't you think it's kind of sweet the interest he's taking? He's probably fondly remembering his last trip, and now he wants to recreate it with you. Talk about romantic (in a guy kind of way, that is).

My husband let me plan our trip to Italy lock stock and barrel. What happened to us is that I fell in love with all the artwork, and he fell in love with the Romans. I dragged him in and out of more churches hunting for Caravaggios, and he dragged me to ruin after ruin...I got a taste of differing opinions after the fact, at least you're getting a taste of it before you leave!

Scarlett! After all your careful planning, the trip to Italy never happened. Boohoo, we'll have to get you there sooner or later!

Wow...I have SO much input on so many different levels on this I hardly know where to begin!

1. there's my Professional Life as a travel agent. This is where I've been working with the wife (the Decision Maker 90% of the time) for 3 weeks on an itinerary and we've almost got it finalized and all of a sudden.....her husband rears his ugly head and starts asking hundreds of questions (most of which I've answered to the wife, but HEY, they don't communicate, so I have to answer them all again!!!)

The other scenario is Person A or B, whether it's the husband or wife doesn't want to have the "responsibility" of making
these decisions, so they come to me, and that way if anything goes wrong they can say "oh, I didn't really want that - it was the travel agent". (not that I'm bitter or anything)

2. My Personal Life. This involves me planning my own travel. We try to take a 3 week trip each year and it seems to work out: Europe one year; Australia or New Zealand the next. My husband shows zero interest in planning or input on anything. Seriously..this is a man who's been known to turn to me on a plane taking off and ask..."so, when we get to Miami for the cruise, what ports are we going to?"

His most oft heard comment? "you're the travel agent..I'll just go with whatever you say". I can't get him to give any input at all, even though I drag him to websites and beg him to look at hotels, etc.

All that changed when I became a Spain Specialist about 3 years ago. The Tourism Board was having a very lovely dinner at the St. Francis in San Francisco and he came with me and became intrigued with Spain. That became our Big Trip for 2001...right after 9/11. As this was the ONLY time he'd ever voiced an opinion on where to go it was a major decision on whether or not to travel. We did, and I'm glad.

But none of this is really practical information for Kay...(although I feel your pain) I suggest you put it all in the hands of a good agent and your absolved! No seriously, I agree with all the other posters......

follow Rick Steves? Puleeze...only if you want the Evelyn Woods speed course of Europe with outdated information and staying at hostels.

Spending 2-3 days in each area? You'll feel rushed and crazed. WHY does he want to travel to so many places in so short of a time, have you asked him that? Does he think he'll never be back to Europe again??

For someone who's traveled to Europe before and stayed in one spot it strikes me as odd that he's suddenly wanting to travel everywhere in a short amount of time.


Regards,

Melodie

Some people need to be on the move--they get antsy staying in one place for more than a day or two. They are miserable and bored after a couple of days in the same place.

Not everyone is interested in living like an Italian, or a Frenchindividual, or a German, or whatever. Some people like seeing just the "wow" sights. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just their personality.

And people can change in their travel preferences over time.

If you have two people traveling together one of whom is a mover and the other a sitter--someone will probably be miserable for at least a portion of the trip.

Do you have Rick Steve's (if he really is into RS, it will sort of ease him into your master plan) Italy book (just Italy -- not the Europe one)? Get one from the library for him to read. For each major city he lists what to do with 2 days, 3 days, 5 days, etc. Once my DH got into the longer itineraries for places, he realised that we were only going to ENJOY covering fewer destinations, saving others for a future trip. We ended up taking one of Rick's Italy tour itineraries, reducing the number of stops, and substituting with more nights in places we really wanted to see and explore. (Also, we found "nicer" places to stay.) I still think Rick's best for finding where you can get laundry done, but I have to admit that we used his France book along with Cadogan for the Dordogne, Lyon, and Burgundy and the combination of the two was extremely useful.

Hi Kay,

When did hubby turn 50?

May I suggest that you continue on with planning what you think would be a good trip and let him plan what he thinks would be a good trip.

No later than two weeks from now present your plans to each other and see where you can compromise.

My guess is that in two weeks he will tire of trying to schedule 7 countries in 21 days.

The following is a note to hubby only. DO NOT READ THIS.

My dear Sir,

You do realize that if you plan the trip and one little, itty bitty, teeny weeny thing goes wrong, that you will never, ever hear the end of it?

Oh ira, you know the ways of women so well~

Ira, I've already thought of that last bit. Paragraph 2: "One thing you'll have to practice NOT saying..." I'm with you on this!

Kay, we could be twins! This happened to us last year, after my husband viewed a Rick Steves program on PBS. We had cancelled a long-awaited trip and, because of family concerns, I was less than enthusiastic about jumping back into the planning process. I suppose it was an effort to get me back in the mood for travel, but he "suggested" that he would plan part of our trip, if I would do the rest. Rick Steves then became his personal travel guru. Despite my designs to get some imput into his part of the trip, I soon learned that I couldn't beat Mr. Steves. Those plans were set in concrete. So, realizing that it was more important to stay married, after many years, I stuck by the bargain and bit my fingernails on the trip over. I didn't even know where we were going after landing in London! Well, to say the least, our trip was much different than anything I would have planned. However, we had a great time and it didn't escape my husband's notice that our time in France (my planning responsiblility) was much more relaxed than our time in Britain. Suffice it to say that he's now suggesting that we "co-plan" our next trip. (Hmmmmm......) My advice? Let him plan and enjoy the diffence in your outlooks. It's only one trip out of an entire lifetime of memories, and it will definitely make for some good stories later. Good luck!