Britain: What's it really like?
May 14th, 2002 | 06:14 AM
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Britain: What's it really like?
The Low Down on Great Britain<BR><BR>Geography:<BR>Great Britain is a small, flattish island off the north-west coast of Europe. If you are British you believe that Europe is a strange place off the south-east coast of Britain.<BR>British people will try to tell you that there are mountains at various locations (Wales & Scotland). Do not believe them. Whilst they may be considered elevated they do not constitute mountains. In much the same way as going to college does not constitute being educated. The Welsh and the Scottish may get somewhat irked if you dismiss their "mountains" as minor hillocks. The English do not know where Wales & Scotland are and will not care either way.<BR><BR>Weather: <BR>The weather in Britain is generally damp & cold & windy. When it is not it will be damp or cold or windy. Alternatively when it is very wet it is an indication that the country has flooded once more and is underwater. <BR>On the few occasions that the weather is warm and sunny most likely you are in another country.
May 14th, 2002 | 06:14 AM
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People: <BR>The British can be clearly identified as belonging to three distinct classes. <BR>The working class are unemployed. <BR>The middle class worry about becoming unemployed. <BR>The upper classes have never been employed.<BR>The working class enjoy football, darts, "telly"(tv), holidaying in Spain and drinking (beer & lager).<BR>The middle class enjoy cricket, dinner parties, holidaying in Tuscany and drinking (wine).<BR>The upper classes enjoy huntin', shootin' & fishin', tax evasion & fraud, holidaying in "open" prisons and drinking (port).<BR>The working class have spent many years persuading the nation to pay for their lifestyle.<BR>The middle class have spent many years persuading the nation to let them run it. <BR>The upper class have spent many years persuading the nation to continue to pay for their lifestyle.<BR><BR>Language<BR>It is believed that most of the inhabitants speak English. This has yet to be conclusively proved. Scots Gaelic and Welsh also exist but are routinely ignored. Substantial immigrant populations speak Urdu, Gujarati, Bangladeshi, Hindi and Australian.<BR><BR>Food: <BR>"British Cuisine" is an oxymoron. Fortunately there is a plethora of Indian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Italian, French and Spanish restaurants. Use them.
May 14th, 2002 | 06:16 AM
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Culture:<BR>Frequently discovered in the kitchens of British Pubs and Restaurants. <BR><BR>Media:<BR>Britain has only 5 television channels widely available. Of these one is for US soft-porn, another for US comedy programmes, and another so resolutely lowbrow it is further down the evolutionary tree than Neanderthal Man. The other two are government propaganda channels. No one watches any of them which goes some way to explaining the prevalence of alcohol as a pastime.<BR>Britain is well served by national, daily newspapers. All of which must include, by statute, at least two exposed female breasts. The editorial line on this will range from hysterical and hypocritical prudery to demands that the daily dosage be doubled, trebled or more.<BR><BR>Government:<BR>Britain has many political parties. Only two are electable at any one time during the passage of history. The current government has decreed that now only one party will be electable. However, the current opposition had already reached this conclusion on its own behalf. The government spends most of the time on holiday and the remainder pointing out that it can not be at fault for the current situation since it has been on holiday.<BR><BR>Foreign Affairs:<BR>Inexplicably Britain amassed the largest empire the world has known during the Nineteenth Century. It is believed that they did this when no one else was looking. Since the mid-Twentieth Century Britain has been divesting herself of said empire much as Salome danced the Seven Veils; at the end of the show still nothing was revealed. Now feeling naked, and alone Britain is behaving in a quite schizophrenic manner flirting with both Continental Europe and the USA. Neither alliance is free of problems but at least the Americans speak nominally the same language.
May 14th, 2002 | 06:31 AM
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(As I think of them so I shall post 'em. Please feel free to pitch in, everyone!)<BR><BR>Sports:<BR>The British gave the world all the great sports. Football, Rugby, Cricket, Tennis, Badminton, Downhill Skiing, Bobsleigh and Tiddlywinks. <BR>Since they were perfect upon inception they have seen no need to improve their skills in any of them. They therefore routinely come last in all competitions.<BR>It is worth noting that the great CB Fry broke the world long jump record whilst smoking a cigar. That is with the cigar still firmly wedged between his teeth. This illustrates the true Briton's approach to sports: enthusiastic amateur as opposed to professional sportsman. The same approach has been taken with regard to sex in these islands but without the "enthusiastic."
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May 14th, 2002 | 06:44 AM
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for more information about C B Fry (and therefore the english in general) try looking at <BR><BR>http://www.time.com/time/magazine/pr...,29988,00.html
