eurotraveller

We have been looking forward to our trip to Thailand for months and at this time two weeks from today we will be on the plane.

Unfortunately, one of my dearest friends in the world, a breast cancer survivor, was just diagnosed last week with liver cancer. She had her CT and MRI this week and just found out yesterday that the cancer has metastasized and it is also in her spine and brain. The prognosis is 3-9 months.

My first thought was to cancel my trip in order to spend time with her and offer support. It was a fleeting thought because I KNOW that she wants me to go and have a great time! There is no way that I would cancel it knowing how happy it would make her to know I was fulfilling my passion to travel.

I can't help but to feel guilty for enjoying myself when she is suffering so badly. I am wondering how enjoyable this trip will be with this looming in my thoughts during every waking moment. The reprieve is only during the few hours of sleep I manage to get.

I know that this might not be an appropriate posting but I guess I am just reaching out because I don't know what else to do. I have had many close relatives and friends die but I have never had the misfortune of having a close friend diagnosed with a terminal illness. I feel so lost and scared.

I am sorry for exposing myself on such a personal level to those of you who choose to read this.

MaryW

Tamara - You should not feel sorry for your post or your thoughts. I'm sad for both you and your friend.

Yes - the only thing to do is go on your travels. Even if the worst happens and your friend should pass away before your return she would not want to feel responsible for making you change your plans. The last two years we have had problems with very ill relatives - firstly my mother and then this year my husbands father - both elderly so to be expected. My mother passed away just before we were due to leave and so actually took away the problem for me. Dan's father had a very very serious heart attack just a couple of weeks before we left this year. Dan's sister also was traveling and we all decided that the best thing to do was to carry on. My father-in-law would never have forgiven himself if we had all cancelled. Really what can you do - sit around waiting for things to happen. Maybe you could take a cell phone with you and make a point of calling frequently - maybe your friend will get some comfort from hearing from you and about your trip. Just remember how all of us on Fodors so like to hear what other people are doing even when we don't personally know them.

eurotraveller

Hi Mary,

I think that I may consider taking a cell phone.

Sounds like you can relate to this experience and it is nice to hear from someone who can empathize.

Thank you.

glorialf

I've been in a similar situation twice in my life. Both times I knew that my cancelling would only make the dying person feel worse. Did it effect my trip? yes. I got a knot in my stomach everytime I walked into a hotel for fear there would be a message (this was pre email). You can stay in touch with her with frequent emails and phone calls now.

Gpanda

Tamara-I'm very sorry to hear of your friend's illness. Your decision to go or not go forward with your trip is yours alone. I suspect you will feel conflicted either way.

My mother died just a few weeks before our first trip to Thailand. As the executor of her estate, I had many duties to perform. We decided to go, using the same logic you referenced. I took a great deal of comfort in the way that Buddhists regard death. At one Wat, I was particularly moved by the monks chanting for someone's death service. In the end, I felt that I had honored my mother by continuing on with my life.

CFW

Tamara, I think many can relate to your situation, and it may give you some comfort. My sister in law (husband's sister) was in the same stage of breast cancer as your friend before our trip to Thailand last year. The breast cancer has metastized to her spine and liver, and the prognosis was not good. After turning ourselves inside out, we finally decided to go on our trip in part because my sister in law has such a positive "I can fight this and I will be ok" attitude that we felt if we cancelled we would be sending her a very negative doomsday message. When we got there, like Gpanda we found comfort in the Buddhist philosophy and made offerings and said prayers for her at the temples. She loved sharing our experiences and photos when we returned, and due to various new chemotherapy she is trying (she's being treated at Sloan Kettering in NYC)the tumors on the spine and in the liver have stopped growing and she is still with us. We are leaving again for Thailand in a week, and have gone through the same thing again. But we're going and we're all still hoping for miracles and she is looking forward to sharing our trip and photos again when we return!

althom1122

Tamara,
I am so sorry for your situation. Most of us can relate to it in some way, although that is not to minimize your pain and sorrow, which is unique and personal.

I agree with the others and with what you have written that your friend would certainly want you to go. Grant her that - she means it. Going can be a gift as well as staying. And yes, there will be a dark cloud hanging over the trip. But you can still find joy in your travels, hopefully without guilt. Being gone for three weeks will not change anything - you HAVE been there for your friend, presumably for many years through wonderful and difficult times alike. Obviously, you had no way of knowing when you booked the trip that this would happen - that the timing would be thus. It does not change your years of friendship or love.

One thing you might consider is dedicating this journey to her. Do things on the trip with her in mind - in her honor. Donate to an orphanage on her behalf. Take pictures that will make her laugh. Toast her at a special dinner. These things will have meaning to you and will be special to her when you share them upon your return.

Again, I am so sorry. But we will see you in Bangkok at the end of our trip and you can tell us a story about your dear friend - a little thing that will make her real to us. Or you can keep her safely tucked in your heart if you wish - we'll take your cue.

Take care. You'll be in our thoughts.
Karen

Kristina

Tamara-

This is indeed a sad situation, but I agree with everyone that you should go.

I like the idea of a cell phone. There have been several posts here about buying a phone (either before you go or on arrival in Thailnd) and then buying a pre-paid SIM card once there.
Perhaps you could arrange to call her from the major monuments of your trip. As in, "Hi! I'm standing in front of Angkor Wat and thinking of you!"

Another idea would be to take pictures with her in mind and put together a scrapbook for her when you get home.
Along that line, perhaps you could take something small of hers with you on the trip and make sure it's in some of the photos (like a funny hat you'd wear, or a small stuffed animal). As in, "Here's Fuzzy the Bear in front of the Grand Palace".

Whatever you do, try not to think of it as &quot;I'm having fun while she's sick&quot; or else <i>neither one</i> of you will have a good time. Just do something nice so that you can share the fun with her when you get back and maybe take her mind off what she's going through for a few minutes.

terryr

Hi Tamara,

I am very moved by your difficult situation. That your wrestling with the decision to travel or not at this time speaks volumes about your being such a caring friend. I too would like to add to and echo what others have already said.

It seems that your going forward on your long-awaited trip can both be a way to take care of yourselves and to honor your friend. As we are all caretakers in one form or another, whether it be our roles as parents to children or grown children to aging parents, to our patients/clients, to our friends in needs, it is important that we remember to take care of ourselves well... for in the taking care of ourselves first, we are in a stronger position to then be there for others. As a health caretaker myself (and parent and grown child to aging parents, etc), I find that when I am able to step away from my usual roles with vacation time and mini breaks, I am more able to get back into the thick of life again, better refreshed and replenished to be there for others. I am actually doing myself, my patients and my staff a favor by going away!

It seems also that your going on your trip would not add additional burdens to your friend right now, as you say you know that she would want you to go. Therefore, I encourage you to go, enjoy, take your friend with you in the small and large ways that I know that you would anyway and that have already been suggested...and bring back your trip, love of life and adventure back to your friend to share with her in whatever capacity she is able to share with you at that time.

Lastly, I would imagine that you will need some energy for your friend in the months ahead so that your trip comes at a good time when you can actually get the replenishment that you will need for the days ahead.

It is my hope that you will find my perpective helpful to you when weighing your decision. The most important thing to remember is that whatever decision you ultimately make will be the best one for you at the time and that you have honored your friend already by giving this such serious thought. All my best wishes to you, Terry

JamesA

I can't really add anything except to express my thoughts and prayers for your friend.
I think as everyone has said you need to make the trip for all the reasons everyone else has said.
You will no doubt have her photo with you and I agree ( though entirely up to your own views of course ) that you can take the photo to the temple for prayers to be said for her and the idea of doing something on her nehalf is touching and nice and all round good thing to do.

eurotraveller

I want to thank you all for your kind words.

I was on the phone with Gloria until after midnight last night talking about her illness, her fears and her hopes.

Her husband and I are the only ones that know the prognosis. She is the kindest, most generous soul you could ever imagine and she doesn't want anyone to worry.

Her drug treatments are not covered by insurance so they are drained financially. I am giving her a plane ticket to go to Tuscon to visit her 18 yr old son so she can tell him in person

I have already made the decision to go on this trip and I love the idea of bringing something of hers along while visiting the different sites and donating on her behalf. I do think that the gentleness of the Thai people will bring me comfort. Gloria has such a gentleness about her.

Karen, I will see you in Bangkok and we will toast to Gloria.

Thanks all.

Kathie

Tamara, I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your dear friend.

When I went on my annual trip to Asia in 2004, my father was terminally ill. I also ruminated about whether to go or stay, but my father was very clear that it was important to him that I go. While I do keep in touch with my family while I'm away via email during my trips (usually once or twice a week), that trip, I made sure I was able to check email at least once a day. My usual visits to wats and shrines had a different dimension to them as I offered prayers and flowers and incense for my father.

My father died two weeks after I returned. I believe he chose to stay alive for my return.

I hope the experiences we have shared will help you know that you are not alone while you struggle with this decision.

Elainee

I also went to long planned trip to Thailand and Cambodia when my mother was in her last months. I used email to be in touch with her, her caretaker, her doctors, my brother, etc.everyday. With email she could respond when she felt up to it. I could be in touch with everybody which helped me. Much easier to use email with the time difference and with calling someone who might not feel up to the call at a good time for you. All the hotels has computer service. I also made telephone call appointments with my mother so she knew when to expect my telephone calls. I'm glad I went and so was my mother.

KimJapan

Tamara...I just wanted to add my good thoughts to you, Gloria and her family. You are an amazing friend. You've gotten really good ideas from everyone here...I especially like the idea of bringing something special of hers along with you. Don't discount the telephone...if you call in the morning at breakfast time in Thailand, it's just before bed time on the US east coast. This last trip, we phoned almost every day to check on my father, who just had prostate cancer surgery before we left - talking on the phone was comforting to both of us I think. You might consider making some calls to her during your trip, or even setting some times ahead that you will call her.

eurotraveller

It sounds like many of you had an experience similar to what I am going through now.

I spent a few hours with Gloria and her husband David yeterday. They have both been wanting to go to Thailand.

I think I will email frequently and call a couple of times as well to check in.

I am really sad that I will be missing her 50th birthday party.

Thanks for you support.