After two years of sweatpants, it’s time to get back to the wineries and taste some vino.
D
id COVID get you down? Did isolation drown your soul in existential dread? Did you find yourself reaching for the nearest bottle of booze to wash the time away? Well, now that the pandemic is nearly over (or so we hope), it’s time to reengage with society and start drinking like a sophisticate. That’s right; it’s time for wine tastings! And because you forgot how to be a human being over the past two years of Zoom meetings and sweatpants, we’re here to bring you back with a primer on how to sip wine.
Choosing a Prime Wine Tasting Destination
Picking a destination is nearly as important as the wine tasting itself. Can the venue accommodate groups? Is it good for couples? Is the tasting indoors or outdoors? Are there social distancing practices in place? Is the venue child-friendly? How about pet-friendly? One of the more overlooked destination questions is how will you get to and from the winery safely? If you want to go to a wine-tasting region, you might want to spend a day hopping from winery to winery. If that’s the case, you’ll need either a designated driver or some sort of infrastructure that caters to the wandering winos. Some wine regions have Uber and Lyft programs that work directly with the wineries, while others offer shuttle service and private cars. Choose wisely, and don’t drink and drive.
Recommended Fodor’s Video
The People You Can Expect to Meet
Wineries bring in all types of people, and you’ll be sure to encounter a plethora of fun (and not-so-fun) fellow drinkers. Here’s a quick glossary to keep in mind:
The Wine Snob: You’ll recognize them in a few different ways. But most importantly, by how they hold their glass. Typically, you’re taught to hold the glass by the stem; this way, the heat from your hands won’t affect the temperature of your wine. But if you look closely, you’ll find the wine snob holding the glass by the base as they twirl, sniff, and emote. Yes, the goddamn base, like they’re an alien encountering drinking for the first time and don’t understand how to hold things. If you see someone holding a wine glass in this fashion, stay away before they attempt to wax poetic about the extra-sensory experience they once had at a biodynamic farm in France.
The Bachelorettes: This is why you want to ask about groups before you hit a winery, so you don’t end up next to 13 bachelorettes wearing penis crowns on their heads and guzzling free samples of Merlot. Also, wear closed-toed shoes around the bachelorettes as it’s all but a guarantee to have a glass or two shatter at your feet.
The Faux Expert: Much like the wine snob, the faux expert will interrupt the sommelier to mansplain (let’s be honest, it’s usually a guy) the wine by regaling you about the terroir of the region and the microclimate that provides the grapes with ideal growing conditions. This person is not a somm, they just like to drink a lot and want you to know they’ve been to more places than you. No one likes this person.
Mature People: Wine tasting attracts refined palettes. As one gets older, wine often becomes the drink of choice, and wine tastings are a great way to elicit something new to talk about after 40+ years of marriage. If you’re lucky, you’ll all get there eventually. Don’t worry; these people won’t bother you. They just enjoy the buzz.
The Show-off: You’ll see them overdramatically eyeball the wine as they viciously twirl the glass to watch how the wine drips down the sides with molecular precision. They’ll noisily inhale the aroma by sticking their nose mere millimeters from the wine. They’ll over-gesticulate as they loudly slurp the wine into their mouths while swishing back and forth for everyone to hear.
Tech Bros: Oh, the Tech Bros. These guys have too much disposable income and make grand assumptions that the only good wine is expensive (it’s not). You’ll find them all over California’s wine regions, throwing their weight, faux knowledge, and money around because they don’t know what else to do with it. Mostly harmless, the Tech Bros can still ruin a wine tasting when they get a little too “agro” after their fifth tasting.
The Drunks: Without fail, you’re going to find an inebriated taster at any tasting you go to. This could be at 10 a.m. or 5 p.m. A drunk will drink, and if there’s a cheap option, they’ll drink a lot. You’ll be able to recognize them by their slurred speech, reddened teeth, redder nose, and wine stains on their clothes. Don’t be one of them.
The Rules of Wine Tasting
First, you want to look at the wine in your glass. Unless you’re a sommelier, you’re not going to be able to determine a wine’s age, the type of grape, or the amount of alcohol or sugar just by looking at it. Think of your wine as a pretty picture with different hues of color, and then imagine those hues going into your body like a warm hug. After admiring the view, swirl your wine around and watch it dribble down the sides.
Second, smell your wine. You’ll want to get your nose into the glass to really inhale the essence of what you’re about to drink. Pretend you’re Cyrano de Bergerac (do people get this reference?) and just get up in there. Again, will you be able to tell if the wine was aged in oak, or if you can sense the yeast? Probably not. But, the somm can help you catch the hints of strawberry and molasses.
Third, taste your wine. Now, there’s an obnoxious way to taste it and the civilized way to taste it. The obnoxious way is to slurp the wine into your mouth like you’re the rudest person at the dinner table. Someone might tell you that slurping will help bring oxygen into your mouth and give the wine a better chance to breathe and open up. It’s unlikely to make a whole lot of difference to you, but if you want to feel like a pro, have at it. However, when you sip the wine, do make sure to swirl it around and really taste it. Then, either spit or swallow—we’ll get to that in a moment.
Fourth, think about your wine. By far, the most pretentious part of any wine tasting is to overanalyze what you’ve just experienced. Was there a hint of wheatgrass in there? Did you experience the time in the barrel for this wine to mature? Ultimately, your palate will be different than anyone else’s, and you’ll either like the wine or won’t. You definitely don’t need to write a dissertation about it.
The Dos and Don’ts of Wine Tasting
There are a lot of dos and don’ts when it comes to tasting wine. These are unwritten rules, but if you have respect for your fellow human (and for yourself, really), you’ll want to pay attention to these suggestions.
Do Dress Appropriately: No one says you must dress up to go wine tasting, but you’re doing something with a little bit of class, and you should give it the proper attention it deserves. Now, there will be no shortage of people wearing flip flops and tank tops; just maybe don’t be that person. The winery employees serving you the vino will be way more apt to keep serving you if you look the part. Also, don’t wear white. You’re very likely to spill on yourself, and nothing ruins a day faster than a shiraz stain on your shirt.
Do Use Palate Cleansers: As you go from wine to wine, your tongue will begin to resemble a piece of dried-out leather with a few remaining taste buds waiting to die off. You can avoid this by cleansing your palate as you go along. Between tastings, you should eat some plain bread or crackers, drink some sparkling water, or even have some cheese to help get those tannins off your tongue. Wait, what are tannins?
Do Learn About Tannins: These are compounds in wine that occur naturally from different grape parts (but can also come from the wood in the barrel the wine ages in). If you’ve ever felt like your tongue has a silky coating after a sip of wine, those are tannins hanging out and relaxing until you wipe them away. The palate cleansers help eliminate the tannins and allow your tastebuds to reset and fully taste that next glass. It’ll also help you hide your slurred speech because your tongue won’t be as swollen after your 11th sip.
Do Buy the Wine: Tastings aren’t usually free, but they’re also not that expensive for what you get. It’s why you see a bunch of riff-raff chugging Chardonnay. But the point of the tasting is to find something you like and ultimately purchase a bottle to have at home. If a winery thinks you’re a buyer, they’re going to pour you more glasses. Everybody wins!
Don’t Wear Perfume or Cologne: Don’t spray on perfume or cologne before a tasting. Not only does it ruin your sense of smell, but it also poisons the senses of everyone around you. One of the most important parts of a tasting is the aroma of the wine, and perfume and cologne simply kill an entire quarter of the experience.
Do Pace Yourself: This is entirely up to you in other areas of life, but for the uninitiated, when you’re at a tasting, you’ll have a spittoon in front of you. With COVID, you might now have your own dedicated one, as spitting out liquids in a confined space is just a dream scenario for a new variant. The spittoon is for you to either spit out your wine or pour out the remainder of your glass. Now, you might ask, “Why the hell would I spit out my wine?” The answer is simple: so you don’t get so drunk you pass out on the winery floor and have to be airlifted to a nearby hospital. Of course, you can swallow all the wine you want, but the general idea is to pace yourself to enjoy as many glasses as possible while remembering the experience the following day.
Lastly, during the pandemic, many wineries have resorted to virtual tastings. Basically, you buy the wine in advance, it shows up at your door, you then join a Zoom call and taste along with the winery’s sommelier. Pretty much all the unwritten rules apply here, with the only real exception of not needing to wear pants. As you go wine tasting, just try to remember the people on the other side pouring your wine. If you follow these simple guidelines and unwritten rules, you’ll be all but guaranteed to find a great wine, maybe make a new friend, and get back to some semblance of social normalcy. Cheers!