13 Ways to Celebrate Halloween if You’re Afraid of Everything

Lots of cities have big, exciting, Halloween-themed parades, and it’s a whole big event. Best part? Not one bit frightening. If you are wanting to “party,” there’s New Orleans’ official Halloween parade, “Krewe of Boo!” which isn’t scary, but it IS a large street party (so, depending who you are, this may sound terrifying).

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From March through November, you can watch a bunch of bats fly everywhere at this bridge in Texas. It’s less of a Halloween event and more of a “this happens 9 months out of the year” event, but during the year these bats are regular ones and at Halloween you can pretend they are Halloween bats.

Skeletons do not have to be scary, and in fact, can sometimes be cute as hell. Puppet theaters like the Bob Baker Marionette Theater in Los Angeles have Halloween themed shows during the month of October, and many of them feature little dancing marionette skeletons and other creatures singing and dancing to Halloween songs. And there’s nothing better than a good Halloween tune, not in my book, pal. 

The woods are known to be a scary place because sometimes teenagers in movies go to a cabin there and then a murderer arrives. However, there are many regular, non-scary woods that you can visit during Halloween time. Look around at the trees–aren’t they spooky? No! They’re not–they’re regular trees, but the leaves are orange and red, signifying that it’s Fall and time for Halloween, so you can walk around and be like, “Wow, it feels like Halloween because of all these trees, I’m glad summer’s over,” while not being afraid.

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A lot of farms offer hayrides and fall festival activities. There’s nothing that says this isn’t for adults, as well as children. You are allowed to go here, even if you don’t have kids. Be proud of the fact that you are a gigantic wimp, and let a large wagon pull you around a farm safely like the scared dork you are*. Pumpkin Patches are known to have tons of activities for little children, but they are also places where ADULTS with MONEY can BUY PUMPKINS, DAMN IT**.

*Editor’s note: Author is majorly projecting her own feelings onto you and for this we do apologize.

**Additional Editor’s Note: Get it together, Audrey.

You can go to an orchard. An acceptable thing to do for Halloween as an adult is go to an apple orchard. Adults like apples because they’re fruit that is sometimes turned into alcohol, and they just so also happen to be Fall’s favorite thing to pile into a wooden bucket. Go to an orchard. They’re not scary.

These tours aren’t scary, but they are in a cemetery, so you can still feel brave. You can walk around, being led by a guide, and look at graves–and nothing will pop out at you. This one at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery happens year round, lasts an hour and a half, and is only $15.

Your local zoo probably has events happening, and although they are usually aimed toward children, adults are allowed at the zoo and are also allowed to enjoy Halloween there, as well.

Chances are your town has a local craft show, probably held at a middle school on the weekend. In fact, it definitely does have one. Here’s one in Arkansas, featuring a restaurant called The Bean Palace Cafe.

Don’t want to deal with a craft show? Totally. Too many crowds. Just go to a regular Halloween decorations store, then. The best part about Halloween for all of us already-frightened-enough-by-regular-things people is usually the decorations, and sometimes it’s hard to come by those without something jumping the hell out at you at some stupid haunted house. If you walk around a Halloween decoration store like this one, you don’t have to worry about that.

Or how about this: Man, just go to Target. It’s Halloween at your local Target, which means it’s the most wonderful time of the year. They got everything here, and none of it is scary. And hey, while you’re there, you can also go regular grocery shopping. What a treat. Also acceptable: Michael’s Craft Stores. It’s officially Fall inside of those, as well, and everything is constantly on sale for some reason.

The day is not scary, and usually a scary place will not be scary at this time. For example, at night, Knott’s Berry Farm turns into Knott’s Scary Farm, an extremely frightening haunted theme park. But, during the day, it’s just regular Knott’s Berry Farm with all the same decorations. You can look at all of it and be like, “Awesome, it’s Halloween” but not have to worry about being scared–until it’s night time, when you’ll need to quickly get the HELL out of there.

You knew this one was coming, right? You can go to Disneyland. It’s decked out for Halloween, and some of the rides are slightly Halloween-ish, and there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of here, which is the best part. Go ahead, enjoy the Haunted Mansion, a.k.a. the least scary haunted house in the history of the world. Great news for you, it’s even less scary at Halloween, because it is Nightmare Before Christmas themed.