I'd like to get some feedback on a conversation I had recently with a long-time friend.

"Mary" has been divorced for a number of years and retired last year. She has done very well, financially speaking, and was able to buy her dream house near Hilton Head, SC. She has many friends and acquaintances and enjoys having company, which is fairly frequently given her location.

She was telling me that back in the fall, she was visited by a couple she and her ex-husband had been friends with for a number of years. Both had remained on friendly terms after the divorce, which has been long enough in the past not to be an issue. Mary made them feel at home in her guest suite and cooked frequently. Her guests did offer to help clean up, but it ended up them just keeping her company while she loaded the dishwasher, etc. She also acted as tour guide.

On the third or fourth night of their visit, they wanted to go to a restaurant which had been recommended to them. Mary was very tired from her hostess duties and encouraged them to go without her, that she would enjoy a night on her own. They left reluctantly (they had their own car) with specific directions to the restaurant. Mary gave them a house key and urged them to come home when they pleased.

Mary went to bed around 9:00 p.m., leaving lights on for her friends and a note telling them she would see them in the morning, and to make themselves at home with snacks in the kitchen and the tv/dvd. When she greeted them the next morning as she prepared their breakfast, she felt a definite chill and the woman told her later in the day that they felt very blown off by Mary the night before and coming home to a silent house.

So, do you think Mary was rude or not?

No, not at all. She sounds very gracious - and tired. Her guests sound very self-centered. Please tell us they brought (or left) a VERY nice hostess gift for her.

NO Way!! When we visit my mother in law, she loves to cook and take care of everyone, but enjoys a little alone time on an afternoon to maybe take a nap or watch television.
I think Mary is nice to cook and have house guests for several days in the first place! My mother always says that after three days, fish stinks and so does company!!(unless it is me of course..LOL..)

No, it doesn't sound like she was rude at all. The guests need to realize that the hostess has a life too, outside of entertaining guests. But I'm only hearing one side of the story.

Actually, and I'm sorry I omitted this, the woman told her that they had wanted to pay for Mary's meal as a way of thanking her for the visit, and this was another reason for them being so put out.

"third or fourth night" -- well, was the fourth night the last night? If so, maybe they wanted to "treat" Mary to an evening out but went about it the wrong way.

Lois, that makes a difference.

Well, they could still "treat" Mary to that meal by sending her a gift certificate for the restaurant.

Please tell Mary if she wants to entertain a very appreciative guest (i.e. provide a free vacation) I will most happily accept the offer

Seriously, she sounds like a dear. I hope she is not wasting her energy worrying about this.

I don't think she is losing sleep about it. She just told me about it recently and it all happened last fall. She hasn't heard from these folks recently, though, even a Christmas card. Mary is very tender-hearted, but she hasn't gotten where she is by being a wimp. Couldn't the other couple have just told her that they wanted to thank her with an evening out earlier in the visit or even that night? I think getting her a gift certificate for the restaurant is a great suggestion and I wish they had thought of it.

They stayed the remainder of that day and the night and then left, as planned, the next morning. Mary said that they parted warmly, but she was still a little bothered by their comments and now wonders if she has to be "on" for an entire visit.

No, she doesn't have to be "on" the entire visit. But the power of reciprocity is strong -- people feel the need to repay the kindness of others.

It would have been better for the couple to state from the start that they would like to take Mary out and if at all possible, let the hostess determine which evening would be best.

I think Mary should look upon their desire to want to spend time with her as a compliment. But open communication all-around would certainly be better.

I agree that Mary seemed like a most gracious hostess. If the guests wanted to treat Mary to dinner that last night, maybe they should have said that to Mary.

I know that when we have guests, and I cook, play tour guide, etc., I always look forward to some moments alone to regenerate. Mary did no wrong.

I don't think she was rude at all! But maybe the couple didn't have experience in being houseguests or having houseguests. After many years of hostessing and being hosted, My friends & I are pretty good about giving each other space and making independent plans. When I stay with someone, for instance, I give them my intended itinerary up front and then ask if they can join me for dinner on any of say, three nights. I make it a point to say which night is my "thank you" dinner, although I buy them dinner as much as possible anyway in addition to a hosting gift. That way, they can feel free to have their own lives while I'm visiting, without feeling that I want them to be at my side 24/7. Usually my friends will tell me what they're doing during that time, and sometimes incorporate me into helping them run errands!

A good guest should always try to make the imposition as painless as possible so that they are welcome to stay again!

No, Mary was not rude in the least. If the friends wanted to treat her to dinner, they should have mentioned that at the start of their visit.

If they couldn't be bothered to communicate with her after this visit, perhaps they were never such good friends....?

I'm sorry, but communication is a two-way street. BOTH Mary and the houseguests could have communicated better.

Yes, I suppose both of them could have communicated better. But IMHO, if the guests wanted to treat her to a meal, they should have at least told her in advance!

I really do appreciate the feedback and I will pass these comments on to Mary.

What she said at the end of our conversation was that now that she knows how they reacted, she will adjust future visits accordingly. She acknowledged that there are high maintenance guests and low maintenance guests and she was now glad to know which they were. She enjoys their company, however, and they will be invited back, and she was genuinely chagrined to think they felt neglected.

Mary is a doll -- that's why she has such a wide circle of friends -- and she is someone who is comfortable with her life. She enjoys having company and admitted to me that that is one of the reasons the area where she relocated was desirable to her. She knows that people will want to come visit and she has made accommodations for that.

I'm not a Hilton Head kind of girl, but I do wish I had more time to spend with her. She makes me look forward to retirement.

Being able to live how you please -- doesn't that sound lovely????????

It sure does! And seeing how Mary enjoys entertaining her friends so very much, it is all the more reason for her to openly communicate her feelings with those who are lucky enough to spend time with her.

If these people are concerned about reciprocity, I would think they would not be so quick to treat Mary with any sort of chill, considering the warm treatment they got for days at Marys house, from Mary.
I would always give my friend the benefit of the doubt or even be honest and say something, but it is childish to treat her badly because they are in a snit because she would not go out with them.
If it were my husband and I ( which it will not be, we don't do houseguesting ) We would have taken Mary out, if she was too tired, we would have gotten her a present.
They are totally being selfish and childish.
...so there LOL

Sounds like a perfect hostess to me.
We do that all the time here in SMdA to give our houseguests some space.
M

LOL.