We (older, second marriage couple) have been planning a private wedding and honeymoon in Hawaii for this September.

We plan to get married in some private property and send announcement to our family and friends back in Florida along with an invitation to a Luau to be held at our home when we return.

A few very GOOD friends and my sister have asked if they could show up to watch us get married that maybe they'd take a Hawaiian vacation at that time and just come for the wedding and be on their way. That would be great for us and we would like that. The problem is this: If a couple of our friends show up at the wedding and our families feel that they weren't invited their will be hurt feelings.

I would actually enjoy a few close friends and our immediate families to feel like they could come view the ceremony BUT I don't want to arrange, entertain, accomodate these people. My fiance and I want this wedding to be personal and about us. Both of us have had big weddings in the past and we've been there, done that.

We also want to have a romantic, private beach dinner for two right after our wedding and will leaving immediately after the ceremony in a limo to go to the beach for sunset pictures and our dinner.

If someone is inclined to take a vacation to Hawaii and would like to spend 1/2 hour to come to our wedding - that would be wonderful.

How is the best way for me to handle this. I thought about sending out little post card saying"

"We are planning to marry on "Date" at "Location". If you happen to be vacationing here during this time, we would be happy have you join us while we are taking our wedding vows. But we will be celebrating our wedding after our return home - October 9th"

Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks! Nancy

Since you asked the question, I would be inclined to go with your first statement and stay with "private wedding and honeymoon" plans.

Having friends would be nice, but this is a special time for you. I'm sure no one is "just happening to have a vacation" at that time. And when you want your time alone, it's difficult to be polite and ask them to leave.

Furthermore, you would spare yourself hard feelings, if such would be the case, on your return. MHO

"We are planning to marry on "Date" in __Hawaii". All are welcome to join us while we are taking our wedding vows. We wil also be celebrating our wedding after our return home - October 9th which will be announced."

Wouldn't this be better sent to "Dear Abby"?

Hi Nancy, IMHO, what I hear you saying is that you would enjoy having them there for a small ceremony, but there will be no big reception, buffet dinner, Don Ho band on site and that you would like to have an "arranged celebration" when you return home.
I think that an invitation could very eloquently state that. This is about the TWO of you, and I think nowadays, in this age of so many original wedding plans, most people respect and welcome the ideas of the bride and groom to be. I would state an invite exactly like that, "We welcome friend and family to join us as we exchange vows in _______(detailed so they could make there own travel arrangements)"
The reception celebration will take place at our home upon our return (date, etc).
That way people will know they are all welcome to witness vows but there will be no reception to follow in Hawaii, the reception celebration will take place at your home on such and such a date.
Then have the rsvp be:
Reception only
_______ able to attend
_______ regretfully decline

Ceremony in Hawaii
_______ able to attend
_______ regretfully decline

Because even though you aren't having a reception at your destination wedding, I am sure you would like to know who will be in attendance.
Many congrats to you. Remember if it about the two of you. And even though you are trying to be as diplomatic as possible, there will always be some that complain, so just blow it off!
Happy wedding and Aloha, I can't think of a better place to get married!

And yes Leona, I am sure this could be sent to Dear Abby as well as being posted here, but let's be kind, I am quite certain Nancy03 just wanted some advice from travelers that have had destination weddings. Geez.

Don't send a card referring to the Hawaiian ceremony. It will sound like an obligation to some, no matter how casually you've phrased it. Please talk to the people involved beforehand (how many can there be?) and explain things the way you've explained them here. For your family, be sure to add that a few friends may be making the trip, and that you wanted to be sure everyone understood the circumstances.

My point was that the couple doesn't want to invite their friends & family, but prefer that a few people simply show up. In that case, it is very probable that their families will be offended.

This is not a travel question, it is a matter of etiquette.

I DO want my close friends and family to witness our wedding vows if they so choose, but I don't want get into entertaining everyone and worry about the details of peoples travels, activities for people etc. I realize 95% of those who we would like to celebrate our union will not be able to attend so we want to hold off on our "reception" until we get home.

There are a lot of people planning their destination weddings on this board and a lot of others who have had a destination wedding giving advise here and it is very much appreciated.

My hope in asking this question here was to maybe get ideas from others in this same situation either from the side of a guest or a bride and groom who have "been there - done that".

Your suggestions are helpful.

My advice is to be very candid with your family and closest friends about the matter. Say to your family, "We were planning to get married, just the two of us on the beach because we want it to be very personal and not a traditional "wedding celebration." However, a few of our friends have asked if they could plan their own trip and come to witness the ceremony. We have told them that that would be great...but there will be no reception or dinner afterwards, as we will be celebrating privately. So, we want you to know that you are also welcome, though not obligated in any way, to plan a trip of your own and make our ceremony a part of it. We don't want you to be left out or hurt that you weren't included, but understand that it is important to us that we don't have to plan any sort of group celebration there, which is why we're looking forward to our celebration at home afterward."

Sorry so long, but I really feel the best way to approach it is complete bluntness. That way everyone knows what to expect. You would hate for them to get there and be dissappointed not to spend a lot of time with you.

Good luck, and HAVE FUN! Do it the way you want and enjoy your time with your new hubby!

Hi Nancy-
(I haven't forgotten the recipes..Just haven't been out to my kitchen for a while..(LOL)

I think you should wait to send anything written until AFTER the wedding when you send the invitation to the luau.

Those people who know you well enough to show up at the wedding will most likely be ones you speak to often. You can verbally explain your plans.

After they recieve their luau invitation, there will be people who say, "Why didn't you invite me? I would have come!"

Just say " Oh, we didn't want anyone to feel obligated...It was such a long way to Hawaii! Plus we had planned a secret ceremony, although Joe, Terry, and Kim figured it out and surprised us there!"

Hi Icuy. I was wonder where you went to - I know you are on that Hawaiian time LOL.

I found a woman on then net who makes those Hala boxes with hawaiia cookies, tied with Raffia and a tag which we can write what we want. Very classy looking. They are $6 each. Not sure I can buy the boxes, fill with something, tie up and print a tag for much less than that plus all me time. She is going to send me a sample.

I actually have in front of me an invitation (under similar circumstances) that says "We are happy to announce that our marriage was celebrated on January xx in XXX city, XXX state. We would be delighted by your presence at a dinner reception. XXX Restaurant, 7 pm, March X, RSVP, etc."

I agree with the advice not to say anything on paper until after the wedding, or -- if time is short between wedding and hometown reception, just send out invitations that mention that you will be celebrating your marriage and would be delighted to have their presence at the hometown reception.

Then PHONE the close family and friends whose nose might be out of joint if they find out some people were actually at the ceremony in Hawaii. Have a nice chat with them and bring up in passing that so-and-so may show up on their own hook as part of their own trip, which is nice and you'll be happy to have them there, but isn't your expectation and there won't be a formal reception. "The real party for you guys will be the one here."

If the people you phone inquire about coming to Hawaii, too, you are free to say, "it would be great to see you, let me know what you arrange if you do come, but the real party for everyone here will be the one on Oct. 8."

Howzat?

I agree with Cassandra's advice. There is really NO proper, tactful way to make it clear in a written invitation that people would be welcome to join you to watch the ceremony, but--you do not intend to celebrate with them, entertain them, etc. except later back home. You are entitled to have the wedding you want, but in fact, some people are going to get their noses out of joint no matter WHAT you do. And if people are close enough to you for you to think they might actually contemplate a trip to Hawaii around the time of your wedding, I assume these are people you talk to regularly, so you could clarify things in casual conversation.

Nancy, first of all congratulations!
Now, I think you need to go back to the beginning & look @ what you want: a "privtae wedding" followed by a "romantic private beach dinner for 2" right after your wedding. You want to leave immediately after the wedding to go to the beach for sunset pictures and your dinner. Even though people tell you they are going "to just show up & watch" you get married let's face it: they will expect to spend more time w/ you. How are you going to get married & then say "Well, see ya! Limo's here! Gotta go! Bye! Have a nice vacation!". It ain't going to happen. They will expect you to at least have a drink w/ them. They will want to celebrate! And, the people "back home" will go crazy when they hear that some people were there & others not. Some will say "Well, Nancy, why didn't you tell me? I would have gone to Hawaii. In fact, we were planning to go there anyway sometime soon."
So, what to do? Pick a secret location, time & place & go get married. Don't tell anybody. Do it the way you want to do it. Then go back to Florida & have your reception at some later date.

I think it is almost impossible not to have immediate family offended if you have close friends there and not them - no matter what your intentions or how it transpired. Then there is the issue of having these friends around after the wedding - not just that day, but during your stay. Certainly Hawaii is a big enough state to accomodate all of you - BUT. For example, we planned a family vacation to a hotel on Marco Island, got a good deal, told some friends, and the next thing we knew, they had booked there as well. It just gave a different tone to our family vacation to keep running into them at breakfast, on the beach - one of the nice things about vacations with sig. other or family is the isolation from distractions of family and friends makes for increased closeness with each other (also can get on your nerves after a while!)

It's your wedding - decide what you want, be honest with family/friends, and then stick to it.

Nancy, say thanks for offering but no thanks.

Stick to your original plans or you'll have one big mess on your hands.

You haven't even said one way or the other and it is already a hassle.

Aloha Nancy,

I much agree w/ gotravel... keep it simple... celebrate w/ everyone back home... otherwise, just too messy.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful input. I'm just going to go with our first wish and keep it private. No one knows where in Kauai we are getting married so we will keep that a secret.

This was a FAR better response than Dear Abby would have given me and I appreciate your time and honesty.

Very wise, Nancy. Best wishes and have a lovely wedding, a fun luau, and a good life together.