We Didn't Drink ALL the Vino! Maitaitom's Italy Uncensored
 

Although we managed to trash one rental car (a precautionary tale of stupidity from the first part of our trip) and seriously impair dozens of brain cells along the way during our 22-day journey, we have successfully returned from another wonderful trip to Europe. No Italian animals, pedestrians, priests or nuns were injured during the making of this trip report (scared, yes; harmed, no), which will describe the hill towns of Umbria and Tuscany, the beautiful cities of Firenze, Venezia and Roma, and all the sundry details I can remember.

I devoured enough pasta and miscellaneous carbohydrates that poor, dead Dr. Atkins has already turned over in his scrambled eggs. My cholesterol count is undoubtedly so inflated from that over-indulgence that not even an intravenous drip of Lipitor could make a dent in it. Since I've been home, I wake up screaming in the middle of the night for ravioli stuffed with ricotta, Pecorino and spinach, drizzled with olive oil. Yes, I am now a full-fledged Pastaholic.

For those who might have been concerned by an overwrought poster a few months ago who incongruously perceived that Italians were taking turns laughing at her on the streets of Rome, let me first allay those misguided fears she felt. Although given ample opportunity to do so, Italian citizens neither laughed at nor mocked us throughout our three-week stay (at least to our faces).

Tracy and I traveled with another couple (Kim and Mary) that we have known for years, and, I am happy to report, the four of us remain on speaking terms today. We hooked up with another couple (Dan and Linda) for a night in Florence and the last three days in Rome. Between the six of us, we took 1,500 pictures (more if you count Dan's camera, now resting comfortably at the bottom of a Venice canal).

Following are the facts and nothing but the facts. The story you are about to read is true. No names have been changed, because no one is innocent. This is "Italy Uncensored."

<b> DAY ONE AND TWO - ARE WE THERE YET? </b>

For those who hate airline stories, this is your chance to skip to Day Three, although if you are reading this on October 13, it hasn't been written yet, so that could be difficult. Confusing? Yes. Much like our flight plan to get to Rome.

Tracy and I had converted most of our frequent flyer miles to go first class (once before I die, I thought). Because you are at the airlines mercy when it comes to FF awards, we were booked to go L.A. to N.Y, N.Y to London (six hour layover at Heathrow) and finally (mercifully) London to Rome. Basically, the only thing slower than our trip to Rome would be FEMA's response to a disaster.

Upon checking in about two hours before our Thursday, 1:15 pm flight to New York, Tracy and I decided to take advantage of the American Airlines Admiral's Club (I never met a free drink I didn't like). Upon entering the lounge we were greeted with, "You must be Mr. and Mrs. Your Flight Is In Peril But You Don't Know It Yet" (not our real last names).

At first we thought, "How nice. They know our names." Then came word that bad weather in the east had caused a four-hour delay in our flight to New York, meaning we would miss our connection to London. Not to worry, they said, and they re-booked us on a 6 pm L.A. - London non-stop. We'd already dropped off the cats and taken the limo (OK, it was a Lincoln Town Car) to the airport, so we were not going to spend a fortune to go back home and come back again. This was one time we wish we had some unemployed friends to come pick us up at the airport.

Let me say that the American Airlines' people were terrific. They notified us that our luggage had been rerouted to our new flight and to relax for the next six hours in the lounge. A few drinks and a few hundred peanuts later, we boarded our flight to London.

First Class Baby! It is the only way to travel. I inadvertently turned to the right when I got on board, but the flight attendant, realizing my error, quickly turned me to the left toward first class and there before us lay a world I did not know existed. Nobody reclines their seat into your knees and makes your legs lose all feeling twenty minutes into the flight. There is champagne when you board and free-flowing French wine while awaiting dinner. Our movies were brought to us on a silver tray. The seats recline all the way to form a sleeper bed. I looked to the rear of the plane at the sad faces of cramped, uncomfortable passengers and could only think, "Oh, the humanity!"

Dinner consisted of smoked salmon with cr&egrave;me fraiche, onions and capers, a salad with baby lobster tail followed by a delicious steak. Tracy and I stretched out for about five hours only to be awakened by the smell of breakfast. "I wonder how the other half lives?" I thought.

At Heathrow, reality was again with us as we waited five long hours for our final flight to Rome on British Airways. Heathrow is huge, and the trip from Terminal Three to Terminal One was made even more exciting by a herky-jerky bus driver who must have just received his learner's permit that morning. Plus, the guy was driving on the wrong side of the road (yeah, I know)! The BA lounge had finger sandwiches, cocktails (my first Campari of the trip), a lot of Internet points and showers.

We arrived in Rome at 9:30 p.m. Friday night after a 2 hour and 15 minute flight from London (nothing special) and walked to the Rome Airport Hilton, where we would spend the first night. If you like a good sauna, the walkway between the airport and the Hilton reminded me of one. All the weight I gained on the plane was shed during the five to ten minute walk to the hotel.

I remember reading a post by a guy who said that the Rome Airport Hilton was overpriced. Well, maybe it is, but the shower and late dinner of a ricotta and basil ravioli with julienne zucchini hit the spot just fine (the two martinis didn't hurt either). For a couple of weary travelers, the hotel epitomized the phrase "location, location, location", so we were just fine with it and we got to sleep in no time.

The next morning, I would pick up the soon-to-be infamous rental car before our friends arrived, and then it was off to Umbria.

<b> COMING UP: THINGS GO BETTER WITH SPELLO </b>

You're back! Another fantastic trip report. The entire Fodor family will be rolling on the floor all day today. Can't wait for the next part.

I laughed out loud. Already. And you haven't even left the airport. Waiting for more . . .

Hi tom,

Welcome back.

Looking forward to more.

((I))

You had me at &quot;trash one rental car.&quot;

Welcome back, Tom!

I too am hooked---more please!

So far, so funny. I'll try to match your ongoing trip report with one of our own - possibly hitting some of the same high points (and low points?) as yours. In our case, using FF miles to go first class by Air France to Paris for 3 days before flying on to Rome and then by rental car up to our shared villa in Umbria [Fortunately, when Delta and Air France said there were no FF first class seats available that matched our exact needs, my dear wife said she was willing to tolerate 3 nights in Paris before our Italian adventure began].

The wonders of first class and the first class lounges are incredible - it was only on our return to the US 18 days later that I discovered that one could start imbibing free booze (I'm partial to single-malt scotches, to be followed by good wine) at what amounted to 5:00 a.m. in our destination city and drink steadily (but certainly not greedily) for 18 hours straight.

That's enough for now - and perhaps I should start our own thread when the real tales start, so that I don't hijack Maitai Tom's uncensored tales of Italy.

KC

Oh HOW I have been waiting, and wouldn't you know it, over my morning Earl Grey it has appeared, what I have been longing for, Italy Uncensored.

I haven't stopped laughing and I am only on Day 1. I had to stop, drop and scroll to show appreciation.

Now I am going to 'go back up' and continue.

Oh how I do love a good read.
Bless you MaiTai, bless you.

\:D/ Tiff

What a great treat on a gloomy day! Thank you!

Hello maitaitom, well you obviously have everyone hooked on this trip report of yours, including me!! More please..I can hardly wait to hear about your adventures in Italy. BTW, I hope the dear Italians have recovered from your visit, LOL!

Oh, goodie!

Count me as another &quot;hooked&quot; fan! Waiting for that next uncensored installment....

More please!!! And I do hope there will be a reference to Monty Python in there somewhere!

Your trip reports are always the best! Can't wait for the next installment. Don't make us wait too long.

Johanna

I should be studying for an exam, but <i>this </i>is so much more darn interesting. :D

Oh, I can't wait to hear how you managed to impair all those brain cells. ((a)) ((b))

Please, sir, may I have some more?

Your brain cells seem to have recovered. I look forward to reading more.

Yep, the first time you enter a first class lounge can be rather awe inspiring. :)

I am positive that everyone was smirking at me as I circled the open bar in wonder, the bottles of booze highlighted very prettily with a spotlight from above. The massive refrigerators on each end, stocked completely full with various beers, waters, juices, sodas, drink mixers, etc. I won't even go into the array of foodstuffs available.

This was a serve yourself setup, and I kept glancing around as I poured myself a bourbon for the expected &quot;STOP! What do you think you're doing?!&quot;

It was a completely different universe from my usual haunt at airports - right at the gate with the rest of the coach passengers.

Thanks for all the nice comments.

Between work and jet lag, it has been a struggle to get started. I'll get these off as fast as possible, but that darn work thing has to come first (especially since I might be a part owner of EuropeCar soon...more on that in Day 6).

Just a few teasers for you.

We loved all our hotels...except one (which did have some positive virtues also, but was still a disappointment). One of our hotels we stayed at was the best hotel experience I have ever had in Europe in my 13 trips.

We also found an incredible hotel deal in Chianti.

We traveled to more than 20 hill towns, so this report will not be short (but you knew that anyway). Our feet are still recovering.

Scavi more than lived up to its billing and the Borghese sculptures were incredible.

We ran into one Fodorite at Cane y Gatto in Siena.

We had one lunch that proved to be our most memorable experience of the trip.

And so much more.

I'll get Day 3 to you later in the day.

Yes, first class lounges are the way to go. I would not buy any American Airlines stock anytime soon, as they are probably still counting up my bar bill.
((H))

Bravissimo! I will take advantage of some surprise sunshine to go out and pull some weeds, and hope that there will be another installment of your adventure soon!

ttt

Nice!! I just can’t handle teasers very well. I keep checking every five minutes and I put my life on hold. Well, I guess I’ll put my feet up and just wait.

Baby lobster. They served you baby lobster. As a representative of PETL (People for the Epicurean Treatment of Lobsters) I demand you hand it over immediately. I'm sitting in Cattle class, row 45.....

Good to have you back. More, please. Trip report, I mean, though if you should happen to have some melted butter.....

Tom, I do believe you are J.K. Rowing in disguise. ;) I'm certainly enjoying your adventure thus far and look forward to more!

Ok, I should be repenting for my sins (ie Fodors addiction...) and here I am reading MaiTai's first installment. What does that say about me???

Signed, the Happy Hypocrite :D

God---I hope they have overbooked my flight and we get bumped to first class! Who knew???!!!
Can't wait for the rental car details and how the camara ended up deep in a canal.
Thanks for sharing. We all wait tapping our fingers and hoping you will keep up the key tapping...

Oh, this is going to be so much fun. I can't wait for more. Work will just have to wait for another day - I'll be much too busy checking here for more of this thread.
Thanks, Maitai.
Judy

<b> THINGS GO BETTER WITH SPELLO AND REVERSAL OF MISFORTUNE </b>

A good night’s rest, and it was time to walk halfway through the Hilton/Airport sauna tunnel to pick up the car. I thought about just wearing my trunks and a towel to stay cool, but decided against it for fear of causing a national incident. The Hertz line was a mile long, but I quickly got through the Europcar line and went to pick up our car, which turned out to be a Fiat (may it rest in everlasting peace).

It didn’t take me long to find myself in my first rental car jam of the trip. I drove toward the machine where you put the card in the slot to exit the rental car area, but the guy in front of me was having difficulty. He wanted to back up, because his card wasn’t working.

No problema, I thought. Well, no problema until I tried to get my car in reverse. Try as I might, the damned thing would not go into reverse. Of course, the more I tried, the more cars started lining up behind me. And, of course, the more cars that lined up behind me, the more I began to sweat (think Albert Brooks as the hapless newsman in Broadcast News). Finally, the guy got out of his car, walked and got another ticket, and we were all going forward again.

When I got back to the hotel room, Tracy saw my sweat-stained shirt and said, “Man that walkway must have been really hot today.” I didn’t tell her about my driving faux pas until after I quickly took my second shower of the day.

We went downstairs and each had a mediocre 12 Euro Continental breakfast (OK, the Hilton is a tad overpriced), checked out and waited for Kim and Mary, who showed up at 11:30 am.

As Mary changed clothes in the Hilton lobby bathroom, she ran into our first Ugly American, which thankfully turned out to be our last Ugly American of the trip. A young woman put her hands under the automatic sink, and, as automatic sinks often do, it took a couple of seconds for the water to start flowing. Mary said the woman screamed, “I hate Italy. You have to wait for everything!” This became our humorous and endearing catchphrase for the remainder of the trip.

We jumped in the car to head for Spello, but I told Kim about the reverse problem, and he tried for a few minutes with no luck in getting the car to back up. “Well,” I thought, “I don’t have to use reverse on the Spello drive, so we’ll deal with this minor inconvenience later.”

There was terrible traffic on the Rome Ring, but once we got out in the country, it was clear sailing. On the two-lane road heading toward Spoleto, it was exciting to see how close the cars passing other cars going the other direction actually came to causing us to have a head-on collision. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw Mary covering her eyes so she didn’t have to witness these many near-death experiences. She was also getting sleepy.

We got to Spello in a little more than two hours and headed for the city center and our hotel for the next three nights, the Palazzo Bocci. Even with eight eyes, we passed right by it and, like an airliner missing the runway, came back around to try again.

This time I took a different route (not on purpose), which put me in a parking area near the center of town (not the parking area I wanted, but it was close enough to walk to the hotel). I saw a spot in my rear view mirror and was planning to put the car in reverse when a terrible thought occurred to me…”I don’t know how to put the car in reverse.”

This was no time to panic. No sense making a bad impression on our Spello neighbors in the first five minutes. At one point, Tracy, Kim and Mary actually tried to push the car backwards into the parking space (which was the first time Italians could have reasonably laughed at us, yet they stayed restrained, though perplexed, at the actions of their new out-of-town residents).

We tried many different variations on a theme until Kim finally came upon the answer. Put your fingers under the ring and pull up on the stick, contrary to our years of driving sticks where we pushed down. “Spello, we have touch down!”

The Palazzo Bocci was everything it was cracked up to be on the board. We had a lovely room overlooking the Tuscan countryside from our little patio (courtesy of Kim and Mary who took the room without a view). There was also a big patio where the four of us shared wine, cheese and various meats for the next few nights and met some of the hotel guests.

After unpacking, we all strolled the streets of Spello (fortunately no one recognized us as the “pushing car” Americans. We quickly partook in our first gelato experience, found some spectacular views, traversed the quiet streets, stopped in to see the Pinturicchio frescoes at the Santa Maria Maggiore and found a nice wine store to grab a couple of bottles of vino to enjoy on the patio before dinner.

Our first class airline experience unfortunately was different from our friends. They had traveled to Rome via Atlanta from San Diego in the cattle car, and Mary was beginning to feel the effects as we sat outside. She was able to talk coherently to some Brits on an Umbrian walking tour, but it seemed the wine was quickly taking effect on her mental capabilities and ability to enunciate.

We met a nice German newlywed couple who told us about some great restaurants in the Jewish section of Rome (where we would end our trip). When Mary started talking Yiddish to them (the sad part is she really doesn’t know any Yiddish), we knew Mary would not be joining us for dinner. Kim led Mary to their room where, unbeknownst to her husband at the time, she decided to take an Ambien, which sealed the deal. The next thing Mary knew was the light of the next day.

Kim, Tracy and I dined at Il Molina (the hotel restaurant located across the street and down a few doors). It had an interesting curved, vaulted brick ceiling, a fun waiter and terrific food. Tracy had the dish of the night, a pasta concoction chock full of pistachio, pecorino and prosciutto. The honeydew in my prosciutto y melon&eacute; tasted like candy. The Montefalco 2003 Rosso Antonellio was a bargain at 13 Euros. We all toasted to our great fortune of being back in Italy and realized how incredibly lucky we were to be able to make these trips.

This would be the last day for quite some time where our feet and legs would feel good, as tomorrow would start our ten day mission of exploring hill towns throughout Umbria and Tuscany.

<b> COMING UP: IT’S ALL UPHILL FROM HERE </b>
((H))

Oh Tom! I had the same problem with reverse when we rented a car in Rome a few years ago. Fortunately for me, it was necessary to back out of the parking space, so I was forced to go inside and ask the guy behind the counter to show me how to get the car in reverse. You could practically read the thought balloon above his head as he followed me out to the car.

Looking forward to the next installment!

Wonderful :-) I've exeprienced that wine, jet lag, and ambien combo once too - never again!

Marilyn. It was pretty funny. Four relatively intelligent people being stumped by a stick shift question. As you will see as I get further into this report, our intelligence factor will be questioned again, and the answer won't be pretty. Pretty funny...but not pretty.
((H))

You brought back the great memories of 3 adults figuring out how to get into reverse to me too. Wouldn't you know we were the only car in a huge parking lot - and had pulled right up to the curb. I wish I had thought up the push-the-car-out-of-the-parking-spot maneuver. It certainly would have saved us a lot of time. Oh, if I had only known about Fodor's before that trip!!!

...&quot;never again!&quot;

I believe those are the exact words our friend Mary said about that combo.
((H))

I've just chanced upon this thread from an &quot;old&quot; Fodorite who has magic in his pen!

Love your reports, maitai!

Yes, those European cars - I drove once from Manchester to Oxford before finding out that reverse means pulling UP on the stick shift - LOL!

Unmatchable! Wonderfu! Looking forward to the next installment! Such a treat! :)

I'm glad I wasn't the only one with the &quot;pull up the ring to get it into reverse&quot; problem. I couldn't get out of the Shannon Airport parking lot. ((a)) ((b))

I join the ranks of people who didn't know about pulling up the ring to get into reverse. I'm glad I am not alone!

Forgot to mention- I'm enjoying your stories!

I will go to sleep tonight dreaming of Italy, knowing that in the morning there will be another installment....
right?

Excellent writing. I look forward to spending the rest of the week hooked right here.

After four days of rain, some sunshine comes in the form of Tom the maitai nom.

I LOVE your report! I have never read a report this hilarious! I have been laughing out loud the entire time. Thanks for making this stressful day better!