Fodor's Travel Talk Forums - Trip Report Trip Report: Tn Trio of Terror Returns to Europe: 2007 "They Let Us Back In"

Sorry this is so late but we just now recovered!
Part 1: Amsterdam

After intensive group psychotherapy (and after ditching the extra baggage, i.e. Raynell and Heather) we decided to attempt another trip to Europe. We knew we wanted to return to Paris but we had furious e-mail exchanges concerning a second city. Finally, we did what we always do, we obeyed Amy and went to Amsterdam.

We found open jaw tickets from Nashville to Amsterdam and then returning from Paris on Northwest for around $650 roundtrip. Thanks to good advice on this board, Amy contacted BETS for rail tickets from Amsterdam to Paris.

Day 1 - March 12-13 - Uneventful flight and we arrive at Schipol 5:30AM. We are not happy. Only Amy slept on the plane. The sleep of the righteous. Saundra and I played games, watched movies and started planning the coup. We tried to buy train tickets at the automatic machines but our brains hadn't switched over to Eurotime yet and we were not successful. After minor meltdowns, we sent Saundra to speak her Klingon language accompanied by hand flapping and pathetic looks to the person at the rail desk and we were on our way. The Great Communicator comes through again.

Note to all: The train from the airport to Central Station has tiny entrances and spiral stairs to the seats with almost no luggage storage. We threw Saundra on first to grab seats and Amy and I manhandled the luggage down the stairs and we basically sat on it till we reached the station. Getting out was not pretty but we made it.

Took taxi to our hotel, The Bridge Hotel (175E each for three nights and 4 lumberjack breakfasts. It was a triple room #224). We were seduced by the picture on the website which showed 3 little Goldilocks beds in a row but we didn't get that one. We actually had a better one for our group, two twins pushed together for Amy and her mom, and I had a twin in a little alcove in the same room. We had two balconies overlooking a canal and a big bathroom with a skating rink, oh I mean bathtub and shower, It was very slippery and thank God for the grab bars all over but yet again, no shower curtain.

Our room was ready when we got there and they invited us to put our luggage in our room and then have breakfast. Seemed like a good plan till we saw the stairs which resembled the Swiss Alps and required the use of prehensile monkey toes to navigate. By the fourth flight, Saundra was lying prone on the stairs and Amy and I were attempting a relay approach to get the suitcases up without blowing a disc. This was our introduction to what became known to us as "the city of stairs".

We had a wonderful breakfast of coffee, toast, boiled eggs. granola and the best yogurt we ever had. For some reason there was shaved chocolate on the buffet and we sprinkled it liberally on everything, except the tiny packages of liverwurst. I wanted to try one of them because they were so cute and Barbie-sized but I just couldn't face it in the morning.

Luckily, a bathroom was right across from the dining room which was in the basement and about 15 stories from our room, so we didn't have to don our climbing gear to go back to the room after breakfast.

Now, we're off to discover Amsterdam and make our way to the Anne Frank House which according to Amy and the hotel clerk, was only a 15 minute walk away. Well let me tell you, that was a bald-faced lie. We started off briskly but soon I noticed when I looked behind me that Saundra was becoming a distant dot in the landscape. Amy refused to tell us the address so we had no idea where we were. Let the whining begin. The jetlag and the cobbestones just made it seem all the longer. That and the fact that Saundra's little face had gone kind of slack and gray and we didn't know if the life flight helicopter could land in the narrow streets. So we soldiered on.

Finally got to the Anne Frank House and it was wonderful. Very moving and informative. I got chills when I entered the space behind the bookcase. We saw her movie star pictures and the tree she wrote about that they have to remove because it is diseased. After the tour you go to the bookstore and I don't know why I was so surprised but there it was, her actual diary in a glass case. I'm so glad we came.

I offer a taxi back but no, Saundra, who is cheap and delusional, thought she could make the walk back to the hotel. Another painful mother-daughter encounter when, as we approached the hotel and could see it across the canal, Amy told her mother she should jump in and swim across. She's out of the will.

We put Saundra to bed after we managed to get her up the stairs and convinced her not to take a nap in the lobby on the sofa. Have you ever seen the Laurel and Hardy movie where they move the piano. That's what it was like getting Saundra up the stairs.

Amy and I headed off to find the Kipling store. We stopped for a restorative bite to eat at l'Opera Gand Cafe at Rembrandttsplien. I had a smoked salmon sandwich and Amy had a wonderful broccoli soup. We both purchased one bag, saving money and room in our suitcases for further shopping....it was after all only the first 6 hours we were in country.

When we got back to the hotel, Saundra was a newish woman after a 2 hour nap and a shower. Amy and I did our short programs in the bathroom and we sat on the balcony and relaxed for a while. The desk clerk pointed us towards Sluizer for dinner. 25euro each netted us a 3 course meal and a bottle of wine. Back to the hotel and our beds. Total steps for the day...25000.

Day 2, March 14...A restorative 12 hours of sleep got us down to the basement breakfast at 7am for the troughdive. Today, according to Amy, is culture day. I believe she uses the word culture as code for forced marching with beautiful objects of Art in the peripheral vision. Luckily, I had my eyes lifted 2 years ago and now HAVE peripheral vision.

The Van Gogh museum was our first stop. The real paintings are not done justice by the prints you see in books, calendars, and various purses that the elegant women carry in small town Tennessee. The colors just glow. We stopped in the cafe for water and rest (if food or drink is involved, Amy will let motion cease for short periods of time). We began our mission of economic compassion in the gift shop.

Next stop, the Coster Diamond Factory. We had to fill out a dossier on the computer before they let us in. We had some trouble convincing them that Saundra was not a child (she is quite short and fit perfectly in the little Dutch shoe outside) but finally we were allowed into the building. We got to see how they cut the diamonds which was fun but the real fun was about to begin when we crossed the gateway to Diamond Land.

We quickly lost Saundra as she gazed longingly at the million dollar items and used her Esperanto to communicate that she wanted to try things on. They had beautiful stuff at all different price points. Geez, I sound like I'm selling on QVC. Amy pointed out a lovely little pave diamond ball on a chain to me and like a lamb to the slaughter I tried it on and bought it. It is very unusual and has 176 "non-conflict" diamonds (I have the documentation) imbedded in lucite and looks like a little disco ball when the light shines upon my dewy bosom. It now joins the pantheon of little European treasures that I have purchased. Le Disco sits right next to Le Clip in my little dressing area at home.

After this purchase, I was sweating profusely and had to go to a cafe to have a drink. Amy ended up buying what we affectionally called "le speck" a 1 point diamond and silver pendant. I suggested she have a little arrow tattooed on her chest so people wouldn't miss it when she wore it. Saundra kept pointing to freckles on Amy's chest asking "is that it Amy?"

Later on that evening Amy made me write a ransom note saying that if I died she got Le Disco and I had to have my picture taken with the note so she didn't have to go to probate court after my death. I felt just like Patty Hearst.

Next we hit the Rijksmuseum which luckily was under construction so all the highlights are on two floors of this one building. The Ugly American's dream.

We had some frites and mayo as a snack and headed back to the hotel by way of the Albert Cuypmarket which is an outdoor street/flea market full of mostly crap. But it was fun.

After a brief rest we went to dinner next door at Flamboyant, an Indonesian place. I had been looking forward to a rice table. Amy had chicken in peanut sauce and Saundra had chicken and vegies in a sweet and sour sauce that they made just for her because she is allergic to shellfish. We mentioned her allergy to the waitress and the chef came out and spoke to us and offered to make something just for her. It only cost us 20euros each and we had a great time.

We came back to the room for dessert to eat the treats we had bought at a bakery at the market. Hit the beds early. Total steps: 16000.

Day 3: March 15... Another good night's sleep and lumberjack breakfast. It is amazing how energizing it is to start the day with a 5000 calorie meal. Ah yes, the enormous cold meat and cheese sandwiches, soft-boiled eggs, granola and yogurt washed down with multiple cups of cafe au lait. We are ready for the day!

Went to Willet-Holthuysen Canal House museum. It is like the Frick, a private home turned museum containing their art collection. By now the Indonesian food was making a return appearance and we hurried to use the single facility. Woe to those that followed. "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".

Today, as a change, Amy declared it to be shopping day. Didn't we just do that yesterday and the day we arrived?But we never question The Amy and so we followed toward Rembrandt Plein and the pedestrian shopping street up to Dam Square. From recommendations on the board we made a point at stopping at Puccini Bomboni and had the most delicious truffles. I had ones with cointreau, fig and marzipan and amaretto. Had lunch at a cafe in Magna Plaza and had great grilled open-faced sandwiches and beer.

Then on the way back to the hotel via Denmark (Amy still does not believe in wheeled vehicles) we went to the 9 streets area and shopped at Hema. Bought darling baby clothes for some relatives and chocolates to take home.

An easy dinner solution was to head back to Sluizer where I had the warm goat cheese starter and sea bream in a leek sauce. Amy had weiner schnitzel and Saundra had rib eye steak with garlic crust. We had a bottle of spanish rose and some coffee and it came to 98 euro. I picked up the tab in hopes of softening up Amy for the future. Little did I know it was a wasted gesture.

Next we head to Paris. Total steps:16809.

Day 4:March 16...After another huge breakfast and manhandling our bags down to the lobby, we checked out and caught a taxi to Central Station where our train was to depart at 1pm. We arrived at 11am and looked around for info. The message board announcing the trains had a lot of Dutch on it (imagine!), but with my superior wits I was able to decipher that there was a problem. I headed to the info desk, leaving Saundra and Amy to guard the luggage. I was able to get the partial story that an accident had shut down the rails and we were to be diverted. I was told to head to Schipol. When I reported back, Amy fell to the floor with a moan. Her mother leaned down and deciphered the whisper...This isn't on the spreadsheet she kept murmuring.

Amy did not like the limited info I returned with, especially since there was no spreadsheet data to back it up so she sent her other minion Saundra to the desk to find a little old man to pump for more info. She returned with the same story with additional detail about catching the train at the airport. Another experience with our luggage on the tiny spiral stairs and we arrived back where we started. Note to all: Never take anything bigger than a 24 inch bag on a little commuter train. We decided with breakfast being 2 hours behind us that ice cream was in order to reboot Amy. She revived after a double scoop and some medicinal shopping in the airport concourse.

We loaded our luggage on the train and again thanks to a tip on the board we had brought a bicycle chain with lock to secure Saundra to her seat...oh wait, it was for the luggage. We looped it through all three handles and attached it to the rack. We then made our way to our seats. Amy arranged for us to have the 3 seats around a fold-out table. The fourth was empty. Due to my problem with motion sickness, I was facing front and was able to monitor the luggage area for chain saw wielding Europeans. None were spotted and our luggage remained secure. We very much enjoyed the 4 hour trip to Paris. The countryside was very bucolic and we had treats and conversation until arrival at Gare du Nord.

Lessons learned in Amsterdam: No forced marches on arrival day. We have now convinced Amy to let us rest on the first day or ride on tour buses. She wants to get back in the will.

Lesson Two: What the hell is wrong with having an elevator? Don't these people know we are out of shape Americans?

Lesson Three: french fries are great with mayo

Lesson Four: People in Amsterdam are very tall and their distances are not the same as people under 5'4". Walking anywhere will take twice as long as they tell you it will. Trust me on this one.

Lesson Five: People are very nice if you are nice to them. Everyone was kind and friendly.

Lesson Six: Amsterdam is lovely and more than pot shops and sex in the windows. Don't miss it.

Day 4, March 16--We have arrived in Paris at Gare du Nord from Amsterdam. On our last trip, we stayed at the Hotel Monge which was great. We thought we would branch out and try something new this year. I had seen mention of room 31 at the Hotel St. Jacques on a trip report here and fell in love. What sealed the deal was finding out that Charade with Cary Grant and my doppelganger Audrey Hepburn had been filmed at the hotel. I booked the lovely single, room 31, and Saundra and Amy had a double room with 2 entirely separate beds in room 14. Distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder! As always, room number does not correspond to floor number as I found out when my room could only be reached by taking the elevator to its terminus and then climbing another set in the series of spiral stairs that seemed to have taken over our lives on this trip. It is a wonderful room however and I will be booking it again on our next trip.

We arrived at the hotel at 6pm and had arranged for reservations at Le Petit Prince at 7:30. Naturally, we were the first patrons in the restaurant and remained so for a while. But this was a compromise from eating at the usual Tennessee dinner hour of 4:30pm. I cannot say enough about the meal we had here. 3 courses, a bottle of wine, and 3 kir royals was 142euro. Special note: don't pass up the little dish of olives and garlic pastry shells apparently filled with nothing but butter. Worth the cost of the flight over the Atlantic and my by-pass is scheduled for mid January.

Perfectly sated, we returned to the hotel around the corner and went to bed. Since it was mostly a wheeled vehicle day, the total steps were 7000.

Day 5, March 17--Happy St. Patrick's Day! Feeling a little peckish without the availability of our normal free lumberjack breakfast, we headed down the street to try out Breakfast in America recommended on this board. Bottomless cups of coffee, omelets, and pancakes were had by all.

We bought a carnet in the Metro and went over to the Eiffel tower. We had never really made it over there on our last trip. We decided to forgo actually going up in it, especially when we saw the great hordes milling around beneath as we approached. We took a few photos to prove we had been there so that people would know we did something besides shopping and eating on these European getaways.

Our next stop was the Rodin Museum. Both the house and gardens were wonderful. But since it had been 24hours since we had made any serious purchases, we felt the need to head off to support French American economic relations...no falling down on our duty here! Amy found another in a series of purses at Karine Dupont where we found the nicest Parisian saleslady ever. She even pretended to understand my attempts at French which resembled some pig snorting coupled with some "oo la la's".

Lunch was tartines and salad at one of the ubiquitous little cafes where the food is great and the tables are meant for the leprechauns. We then had to stop at Monoprix to stock up on snacks for the room (we never like our blood sugars to go below 200)and got the cutest little washcloth mitts to use in the room and take home with us as a lovely souvenir of European bathrooms. Now every time I wash my butt, I think of Paree.

Amy had still not recovered fully from her off the spreadsheet experience in Amsterdam and went to lie down. Saundra and I were concerned momentarily, but then realized we were free (I felt just like Elsa the lion with a suitable soundtrack of Born Free playing in my head). We headed down the street to the Pantheon where it was a special celebration day for Marie Curie. There were buckets of daffodils everywhere outside and heaped upon the Curies' crypt.

We swung by the room to see if Amy was ready (note the Stockholm syndrome that made us return to our captor) and went across the street to get some dinner at Le Petit Perigourande where once again we were all alone. In fact the waiter sat down with us for a while (they do that here, too?) and dragged over the specials board just for us where we had a mini French lesson and played the Wheel of Fortune, terrified of getting some kind of offal dish. He steered us right, however, and we got a wonderful meal. The Great Communicator, Saundra, ended up with a chicken and potatoes dish with another side of potatoes...Dessert was from a patisserie that we took to room. Total steps....26000. (minus 6000 for Amy and her rest)

Day 6, March 18...Being Sunday, Amy declared culture day. We metro'd to the Arc de Triumphe to which we gave a 30 second glance since it was 30 degrees F, windy, and snowing. Amy decided these were perfect conditions to trek through unfamiliar territory where as usual she kept saying our destination was right around the corner. Where is a sherpa when you need one?!?

We finally arrived at the Musee Jacquemart-Andre with minimal frostbite. I didn't really need all 10 toes I found. We decide to thaw out in the cafe which you must not miss. Very period with painted ceilings and wonderful furnishings. Remember, our breakfast intake had been slashed to 2000 calories since we now had to pay for it. Chocolate Chaud and Coke Light soon revived us. The museum is fabulous...another private home and collection. Highly recommended!!

We walked down to the Louvre area hoping to go to Le Souffle for lunch...we still remembered the dinner we had in 2005. It was closed however so we stopped at the Rivoli Park Cafe for a quick bite. At this point we separated with Saundra heading to the Louvre and Amy and I going to the Musee Decoratifs to check out the Art Nouveau and Art Deco displays. Here we found the best bookstore I have ever been to. I picked up a Jacqueline Kennedy book about her life in the White House and her clothes...it is completely in French, but still very informative. I hope to finish translating it by the time my social security checks start arriving.

We had a few dicey moments trying to meet up with Saundra...she is so short it is hard to spot her in a crowd. But then we heard the mournful sounds of the Tennessee loon and realized our Great Communicator was nearby. We were supposed to meet up with a Fodor's friend to hear the organ recital at St. Eustache. We made it there a few minutes late and could not find them. Turns out they didn't make it either. We took our place among the homeless and fellow organ lovers everywhere for the free half hour recital. The acoustics were astounding. A few minutes before it ended, Amy came to me with a worried look on her face and said "We have to go! A mass is starting at 6!" I guess the little heathen was afraid that soon the slaughter of little children and small animals would begin. We hightailed out of there and went back to the hotel.

Amy again decided she was going to rest (I think the fear of mass did her in) and Saundra and I went across the street to Pescatore, an Italian restaurant that we would frequent for the remainder of the trip always arriving early enough to eat with the waitstaff, our new BFFs. We had dinner plate sized pizzas, half bottle of Cotes de Provence, and some chocolate mousse for 33euro. Total steps...22741.

Day 7, March 19...I slept through my alarm and was not able to make my daily wake-up call to Amy and her mother. We were going to go to Malmaison but it was cold, windy and there were even some flurries so we decided instead to go to Le Bon Marche. I had hoped to return to La Samaritaine birthplace of Le Clip (and yes it did make the voyage with me) but since it was closed we chose the other store. Unfortunately, we needed Admiral Peary's Inuit guide to get us there. For some reason, Amy's internal GPS was not functioning and we walked past the darned store several times before we looked up and saw the BIG sign "Le Bon Marche".

Found some lovely jewelry at the Cecile Jeanne counter and I purchased one for my sister and one for myself and went in with Saundra on one for Amy our little trip facilitator (we used to call her the Trip Nazi but that seems too inflammatory these days). My necklace was twisted pearls and silver with a little dove on the end that had a faux diamond and the word Paris on it. It will heretofore be known as "Le Dove".

They also had a wonderful stationary and kind of office supply section. We glanced at the clothes but none of us had big enough pinkies to wear anything. Geez, are all these people a size 0? So naturally, after realizing we were too big to wear the clothes we hit the Food Hall where we knew we could find our size. Hours later we were back on the streets.

While drifting around the area, Amy bought some sparkly silver flats (flats were everywhere and I can't wear them as I need arches to walk) and I bought a duvet cover that was gorgeous and had pink and orange dahlias on a white background. Yes, just what I need to be lugging back to the States, bedding!

Then we ate lunch at a cafe and sat outside where there were heaters. As we were sitting there, it started to hail and Amy had to be moved under the awning. Of course Saundra and I were already under it and made no move when the hail started to allow Amy to join us. The waiter took pity on her and moved her next to us. He obviously didn't know her and had never been on a trip with her.

After lunch we went to Herve Chapelier and all bought a bag (if you haven't kept count this is Amy's third purse). Metro to hotel and a little toes up.

Headed to Ile St. Louis and it got windy cold and rainy and we had to duck into a souvenir shop to buy more scarves to wear babushka style on our heads. Give me a baby and I can look just like the women in front of Notre Dame begging for money. We stopped at a little cafe and I had the most delicious hot lemon presse and the girls had chocolat chaud. Afterwards, the temperature rose to freezing so Amy decided we could walk back to the hotel. Note to self: kill Amy.

That night we rolled over to Pescatore again to have the Three Coins in a Fountain meal. We had Lacrima Christie to drink, veal saltimboca alla romano followed by ice cream where Amy had the dark chocolate and salted butter caramel flavors. Amy has a new home away from home. If you don't get the reference, watch the movie. I tried to play my version of the piccolo but the waiter would have none of it. Since we had been there so often, the owner stopped by to talk to us and I think Saundra's Pig Latin impressed him and my opera Italian. I'm not sure but I think Saundra agreed to marry him. You are all invited to the wedding.

Steps: Who the hell knows? I think the pedometer froze up.

Day 8: March 20. Amy made the brilliant deduction that no one would be at Versailles today. She is not a rocket scientist. It was packed with schoolchildren. But we did get the package at the RER station which included all the buildings, the train and the audio guide for 20 euro each and it was a good decision. Another panic moment when we realized the train did not say Versailles on it but was labeled C 5 VICK. Yeah, that makes sense.

We arrive. It is cold and we are cranky. We skipped the ticket line but still had to queue up to enter. And then getting the audio guides was like opening day at the Filenes Sample Sale, horrible but we managed.

Everything was fine till we went outside and Amy insisted we walk through the gardens. Is she for real? I had already been there once and knew about the little train. This was where the coup started in earnest. I turned to Saundra and said "we're taking the train". Amy was not happy and stomped off. While sitting and waiting for the train to start, Saundra turned to me and said "This is why we have money" and that's when we started planning our Women With Money tour for next year sans Amy, the Evil One (she is going to China to join Mao on the Long March).

On the return trip Saundra had some bad ju-ju going. Her train ticket didn't work in the machine at the Versailles station so she got a replacement one that let her through. Unfortunately, when we arrived, neither ticket would let her out and she was stuck on the train side of the turnstiles. Amy and I tried to encourage her to creep under but she is so short (4'9") that she didn't want to get her pants dirty so she attempted to lift her tiny leg over the turnstile. Imagine the Little Taco Bell dog trying to leap over the turnstile and you've got the picture. An American girl living in Paris recognized the problem and told Saundra to get right behind an unsuspecting man who was going through the turnstile. He got quite a shock when Saundra pressed against his back and went through the turnstile with him. He is now her second husband. To top the day off, on the way back to the hotel, a bird pooped on Saundra, capping off another delightful day in Paris.

That night Amy wanted to just eat in the room on our beds but Saundra was having none of that. She pulled herself to her full Munchkin height and declared "Amy, the only thing I'm doing in this bed is laying in it or attempting to get out of it" so we marched off to Pescatore again where we are now family members.

Steps: 19,000.

Day 9: March 21 - Guess what? Amy declared it shopping day because it was our last day in Paris. She needed yet another in an endless series of purses to match every mood. We started off going to L'Orangerie which had been closed on my last two trips but it was not open in the AM so we went over to Dehillerin and made a few purchases. This little trip would be very important to us later as you shall see.

Amy wanted to shop in the Marais and Saundra and I went back to L'Orangerie to see the artwork. Oh dear, guess what? You have to have ID to get the audioguide. Guess who had all our passports, credit cards and ID around her dainty little waist? Amy. Saundra and I realized to our chagrin that if we were hit by a bus, we would be little Fifi La Does. Luckily, Saundra still had her receipt from Dehillerin and they took that as positive ID and let us have the audio guides. We love Paris!

Our last dinner was at Le Souffle where we met the most delightful Belgian couple who entertained us throughout our cholesterol raising meal. After sitting awhile, we realized that Saundra's little legs had locked up and I went looking for a taxi. We returned home and started trying to fit all our purchases in our bags.

Steps: 24, 000.

Day 10: March 22 - we flew back with no problems.

Lessons Learned:

Lesson One - the weather. March 2005 had been gorgeous and warm. This trip was freezing, rainy, snowy, and hailing. But you are in Paris and you just don't care. More excuses to stop in cafes and drink hot chocolate.

Lesson Two - Always have your own room on the second half of the trip. By the time we got to Paris I was ready for my privacy. No matter how much you like your traveling companions, there comes a point where you want to hurt them. We all did better with this arrangement and no blood was shed.

Lesson Three - If you don't find it the first time, look up and keep circling.

Lesson Four - Use the VAT refund system. A few months later several hundred euro appeared as a credit on my credit card for Le Disco and Le Dove.

Lesson Five - My ankles are very international. They swell in every country.

Lesson Six - Women with money should not be afraid to take wheeled vehicles. Die Amy die!