Loving spouses, but can't travel together?
 

I know this is one of those sticky, personal subjects, but something tells me I am not alone and would appreciate support and feedback for others with a similar problem. Do you otherwise get along famously in your normal, everyday life but encounter some enormous personal differences when you travel together (even after 25 years of marriage)? Do some hidden beasts arise during the chaos of travel that make you want to have separate seats on the plane when you return home?

we are attempting to solve this problem for the first time by taking different trips this year. He is spending 7 weeks on our catamaran in the Caribbean with various friends and relatives as crew; I am spending a month in Rome in an apartment to soak up Italy and visit with our daughter, who lives there. But there is still something about this arrangement that disturbs me, even though I realize that many couples out there do the same thing.

Please tell me that I am not alone. Any others out there with the same problem and possible solutions? Any feedback or personal responses would be appreciated.

Good Evening!

I'd kill to go to rome for a month. Well, only if I could take my granddaughter.

I love to go away alone. Not that I don't have huge problems when traveling with my husband (as long as he does it my way) He comes in handy quite often infact.

Anyway, I love to find a luxury hotel and take all my books, magazines, journals and get down to some serious sleeping in. I like to eat, my husband isn't a big eater, I like to hang out in my room and sometimes do nothing. But then I'll get a hair up my...and visit all the tourist sights and stay for hours and hours in a museum. And that ain't even up my husbands alley. He was awesome in Rome! We did have the time of our lives, but what I'd give to go back alone to rome and paris. It's gonna happen, very soon too.

Go and enjoy yourself and time with your daughter. I don't think there is a thing wrong with taking time outs from one another. I did think it wasn't healthy once upon a time, but now after 27 years I've come to the conclusion it OK. My Friends envy me, and I tell them their time will come.

I don't think it is uncommon for spouses (or other family combos) to experience fatigue, frustration and flaring tempers when traveling. My husband and I had a couple of fallouts at the beginning of each trip, then eventually that sort of 'went away'. We even joke about it, "are you sure we're in Paris, we haven't had a fight yet...?"

We learned to just shut up and wait 5-10 minutes, and then start a conversation about something else. Since the subject of the argument was always something stupid, there was no need to 'resolve' it.

We have always believed in spending some separate time away, both at home and while traveling. I want a 1/2 day to myself to wander without explaining, take as many photos of the same thing as I want, window-shop, etc. He sometimes brings the golf clubs and takes the train to the nearest course. I've ridden along with him and returned as he began playing; other times, I just wave from the hotel window.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or how it works for others - do what works for you both.

This is exactly what I needed to hear! Thanks Theresa and Travelnut. I actually am looking forward to doing all of the exact things that you mentioned--including not having him pacing the sidewalk or on a bench checking his watch while I do some shopping and browsing. It's just that some of the guilt was beginning to set in, since he has started to ask if he can come and do the last week with me. Right now, the answer is NO! Thanks again for the support.

I say "go for it" and leave the regrets at home. There is nothing wrong with taking a trip, extended or otherwise, by yourself. Guys around here take week long hunting or fishing trips all the time and no one ever questions why they are doing it or thinks anything is wrong or improper. If you love to travel, then travel you will. Not everyones interests are the same and being able to spend a month with your daughter is an opportunity you shouldn't pass up. I wouldn't ever pass up the time spent one on one with a child of mine!! There's a special kind of bonding and conversations that sometimes only happens when it's the two of you, not the three of you. Enjoy your trip!

You're not alone. I actually have a friend I'm planning a trip with right now who is happily married, but her husband doesn't like to fly 3 hours on a plane, much less 8. And then he gets tired quickly, when she's just warming up.

So, we hope to find a time and a place where we can go for a girls trip - she with her daughter, but without the husband, and me without, um, well, it's just me right now.

It's nice to have just a girls trip sometimes. Karentoft is right, and exactly the reason why I love traveling with my mom and try never pass up the chance.

Men just don't understand browsing. :P

Haha, no they don't! You have a great trip as well. I love "girls weekend" or better yet "girls only vacation." No offense guys, but sometimes girls just wanna have fun!! It's a girl thing! I have been to Mexico with each of my sisters on separate trips and the time we shared was great. Most of us don't get enough girl time whether it's with sisters, mothers, or girlfriends!

Each winter my two sisters, my mom and I try to fit in a weekend together and go to a play or something and each Mother's day we all get together as well.

Maybe in a few years we can plan a European vacation??

My husband doesn't mind browsing and would be happy to accompany me... but the difference is, on my own, I don't feel that automatic need to check in (having fun? want to do something else? getting hungry?0... it's more a 'mental freedom' thing.

Travelnut, I think you expressed it perfectly--it's a mental freedom and self expressive sort of thing that we perhaps now feel the freedom to experience (re-experience?)alone again after the children are flown and the marriage has matured enough to handle it. This is a very enjoyable talk. Thanks to all the women. Men, feel free to chime in. We know you undertake your interests and passions alone as well.

Well jgarvey, my late husband and I travelled so well together..actually since I have been on Fodor's over these past years I truly realize how well we travelled together.

However, having some time with ones daughter, sister (SIL in my case), close females friends etc can be absolutely delightful.

Yes, men can go fishing, hunting, camping, golfing etc., a guy thing..and God bless them. I always appreciated the fact that my DH enjoyed those activities. And thank heavens he also appreciated that I enjoyed "girl time".

In my case no, "no hidden beast arose during the chaos of travel" so I was so fortunate, but nevertheleass, I would sometimes take a trip, with my DH's blessing on my own as he did.

My husband and I often travel apart, but not because we don't travel well together, more because of schedule conflicts or different interests.
This year I'm going to Budapest, Vienna and Prague with my Mother and he's going skiing in Switzerland (I don't ski)at a different time. He often goes to visit a friend who lives in Baja and it doesn't interest me.
I do a trip every other year with my Mom (without him). She and I also travel well together, but even we sometimes bicker, especially when we've let lunch go too late.

Some people think we're odd for taking vacations apart, but oh well. It's not that we don't want to travel together, but we certainly won't stop each other from doing the things we want to do because we might have different interests or schedules. We still cherish the time we DO get to travel together.

On the other hand, will you be apart for the entire time he's gone for 7 weeks? I think that's more than I could handle. I'm going to have a hard enough time with him gone for 9 days!

I didn't pick up on the seven weeks, yes that would be way more than I would have wanted to be parted from my husband. At the most I am talking about two weeks. And the last days we were counting the hours until we were together again. Seven weeks..NO!

S P A C E!! is what most of need.Even in a great relationship giving each other space is of paramount importance.
At home each one of us have personal spaces.We wouldn't like anyone else treading on them.Very human! you're not alone.
When you travel there is no personal space defined.That makes life unbearable to most.
Well,what's love got to do with it????

We have a family business and it's not always possible to get away together.
My DH does not mind if I go alone or meet my friends over there and have a ball! He actually does not like the long plane journey or hanging around airports.
I like to be ahead of schedule, he's still in the shower at the airport when they're calling our flight!
I will admit though, as much as I love my freedom when travelling I miss his company at mealtimes, when discovering something new, seeing a wonderful sight
or wanting someone to take a photo of me in it! See what I mean?
We've been married for 37 years this December.

i, too, am appreciating this thread. i know that i get raised eyebrows from folks who dont think i should be traveling without my hubby. but he REALLY has no interest in traveling, and i go with his blessing. afterall, while we've been married 30+ years, we're not joined at the hip... but for me, 2 weeks would be the longest.

What I find is that it is two completely different kinds of travel.

With the girls, we go everywhere and do everything. I am fortunate to have three sisters who are the perfect travel companions. We very much see eye to eye on what we want to do when we travel. And we all love Europe.

On the other hand, when I travel with my husband, it is a much more relaxing time. I can't be in a hurry to see or do anything. He loves to just relax and enjoy the moment - actually a wonderful time, but I have to mentally prepare myself for it. Otherwise, it does cause a conflict. Also, he does not enjoy flying and currently won't "fly over water", although I hope to convince him to go to Italy, which I know he will love. Our trips are usually shorter and closer to home.

There's an old adage that says if you REALLY want to find out about someone you should do two things with them:

play cards and travel.

Do you agree, Jgarvey?

Hi jg,

Especially after 25 years, too much intimacy can be nerve wracking.

Even my dear Lady Wife and I have been known to become mildly irked at each other on occasion.

Since you will both be well chaparoned, I encourage the idea of separate vacations.

>...he has started to ask if he can come and do the last week with me. <

Lucky you; a romantic week in Rome after a 6-week separation.

((I))

I'm not exactly sure 7 weeks as crew of a sailing vessel in the Caribbean would classify as well chaperoned Ira, aka Captain Jack Sparrow.

7 weeks on the high seas can make any man long for a little wine, women, and song.

jgarvey - I like the idea of separate vacations, especially after being married for so many years. Both of you will have so much to share with one another when you're reunited. Maybe you could join him at the end of his trip or vice versa? My only doubt about this arrangement is i feel 7 weeks is too long to be separated. A month at the most.

Hmmmm... Personally, I'd be a bit worried. I often travel alone (esp. since I travel frequently for business - and get a good bit more vacation than my husband). But if my husband took a 7 week vacation... and I took a 4 week vacation... Yet I dreaded the idea of him joining me for just that last week. I'd be a bit concerned.

I think a great compromise would be to plan that last week in Rome as a romantic interlude. And if that idea is really difficult for you - I might consider digging deeper on what is really going on.

You are not alone. I was worried that there was something wrong with me. I went to France several times alone. I made several trips to my homeland, Thailand, alone. I sent him to Thailand by himself 2 years ago. He stayed for 3 weeks. I had a blast at home with my dogs and cats (3 each). Well, we are going back to France next September together. Hope I come back home sane. Our marriage is fine after 35 years.
Happy New Year to all the experts on this site. Thank you for your stories/advices.

Hi J62
>I'm not exactly sure 7 weeks as crew of a sailing vessel in the Caribbean would classify as well chaperoned Ira,..<

The OP said, "...with various friends and relatives..".

I'm assuming that the relatives, unless they are various nieces, will maintain propriety.

((I))

No, you are definitely not alone. I applaud you for understanding your differences and embracing them. At least you can both enjoy your vacations and appreciate each other during everyday life. My husband and I have only been married for three years, but we too sometimes take a few days on our own (though seven weeks would be a lot for me- I might change my mind after 25 years though :)). It's ironic how my husband can spend days on a golf course or a boat, but he get immensely bored after 15 minutes in a museum or any type of shop. Enjoy your time in Rome!

Wow! These responses have been terrifically supportive and informative. I just KNEW that there were some fellow travelers out there who were making this sort of plan work for them. An insightful comment from "harsha" about the personal space thing. I really do believe that this is from whence the conflicts arise. At home, at work, there is a lot of space and time for privacy and solitude, so you can get off by yourself for awhile to go have a drink or lunch with friends, or just take off to the upstairs bedroom and read a book or take a long bath while DH watches sports (or,in my case, the book channel). The message from this, I believe, is to take some little jaunts off by oneself even during the vacations--as one poster suggested. While I check out churches, museums, or go shopping, he can find something he likes to do alone to give us a break. I even know of one couple who purposely arranges for separate seats on the plane ride to get a little breathing space from each other before getting back home.

About those seven weeks. Yes, I am invited to join him (and his sister and cousins) on the boat, I just simply choose not to this time. I have had my fill of water, sleeping on a boat (not comfortable or glamorous at all!), pumping out the john, and being the cook and bottle washer for him and other guests. I have seen enough beaches with nothing more than a bar or a tee-shirt shop, I have drunk enough Pain-Killers and other sweet rum drinks to last me a lifetime, and I have eaten Mahi Mahi cooked in every possible way--enough to grow gills! Even with sunscreen I get brown blotches on my face, and there is no A/C. Do you need to hear more? I think not. So...this is the first time we have done this, an experiment you might say. And I do believe that he is growing tired of the lifestyle himself and beginning to miss the comforts of home and being in his bunk at night with his DW.

He will be home at the end of January (maybe before--if he gets lonely enough) and we will be together for two weeks before I take off for Rome for one month. It is likely that he will join me "on my turf" for that last week in Rome if he promises to behave himself and stop his grousing about the activities that I enjoy.

Again, thanks to all for this great conversation about a touchy subject. You have all made me feel better about this "experiment." I hope I haven't given out more personal information that you need, but it has been kinda fun to share.

Please let me hear some more.

You tickled a brain cell when you said:

>> At home, at work, there is a lot of space and time for privacy and solitude, so you can get off by yourself for awhile to go have a drink or lunch with friends, or just take off to the upstairs bedroom and read a book or take a long bath while DH watches sports <<

Have you ever considered renting a home somewhere. We rented a beautiful house in Umbria. I think a big part of enjoying this so much was the ability to do exactly what you are describing.

Hi jg,

I take it that you are no longer interested in sailing. :)

>....we will be together for two weeks before I take off for Rome ...<

You might want to consider taking off before he comes back. It could make the reunion in Rome that much nicer.

((I))

About those seven weeks. Yes, I am invited to join him (and his sister and cousins) on the boat,

and then you say you have had your fill of doing all the scut work for all those other "guests" which apparently has included his sister and cousins...

Do I detect a bit of ANGER here? (and probably justifiably so)..what would the sister and cousins be doing during this sequence?

Sounds to me like there's more to this than the need for space and solitude.

My husband and I also take many trips apart. He is very tall and refuses to fly coach. So he doesn't accompany me on long flights (Europe, Asia) until he has enough frequent flyer miles to upgrade, or unless he's willing to shell out the $ to buy a first or business ticket.

So I will often travel alone, or with a girl friend, or even a tour group if I don't feel like making arrangements myself (ex: Machu Picchu). In the meantime, we take shorter trips together (maybe Hawaii, Las Vegas) or he takes a short golf trip by himself or with his club (I don't golf).

It works fine for us. The only "drawback" (if you can call it that) is sometimes I have to return to a place I didn't intend to see again, because DH didn't get to go with me the first time, or vice versa. But over-all, we're happy with our system.

Oh, Dukey! Give it a break! Why do you always have to turn to the dark side? Our marriage is fine. I'm just tired of going sailing with him, friends, and relatives as my only vacation. And I've decided to give him a break from the type of vacation that makes him surly. We have at times spent a few days alone on the boat, and that has actually been very pleasant. I am not a sailor, however, and can't really help him with the sailing part of the trip between islands. Others do that, so I think it is only fair for me to take over some of the galley duties (the galley wench), something I at least do know how to do. Bottom line? I would just rather see the great art and architecture of Europe, get acquainted with other cultures, and drink something besides rum and eat fish. And he would rather sail in the BVI.
Enough already? Relax!

Hi jgarvey, when we went sailing with friends or family member I did not crew either so I also did the galley work..and work it is!

We had a Trojan so that was more enjoyable than being on a sailing boat. I have never found a sailing boat to be that comfortable.

I would chose Rome any day over sailing, lol. I was just lucky that my husband loved big cities (as well as beaches and the countryside) so all of our trips together were wonderful. We would go separate ways for a good part of the day from time to time however and then meet up for drinks and dinner.

Best wishes to you. Your time in Rome with your daughter sounds so wonderful.

I have an opposite "problem". I love to travel with my husband, but he hates travel, period. We do make short trips once or twice a year. For longer trips, I am on my own.

It's not a problem as he lets me go without him to any country!

LoveItaly and Faina, thanks for the supportive replies. At least someone else knows what it's like to work the galley, to feed and clean up after the sailing crew. Although I really don't want to give a totally one-sided picture and must say that we have had many crew members (both male and female) who have been extremely helpful with many of these duties. The last time I was on the boat (last July/August) was only two months after my total knee-replacement surgery, and I was well cared for by all on board, even the DH. BTW, what is a "Trojan?" Ours is a 37' Catamaran, which does make it more stable and therefore less likely to create seasickness for those who are prone to this.

Faina, I think that I am well on my way to being exactly where you are. My guess is that DH acts the way he does sometimes because he really doesn't like any type of travel except on his boat, but he "tries" to do it for my sake. He is the happiest and most relaxed when he is the "captain" and in control of everything in his own domain. But when he goes along with me to see castles in Ireland, churches in Rome, museums in Florence, gift shops or antique stores anywhere--he eventually just loses it and blows, which makes everybody around him miserable and unhappy, especially me. And as far as taking a cruise or a guided tour? Forget about it! I have already been informed that this will never happen in our lifetime.

So...this is why we are now trying this little experiment, to see how it works. Granted, 7 weeks for him alone or with just family and business associates on a sailboat in the Caribben may seem a bit extreme, but this is the way it's going down for now. I am starting to hear some subtle clues from his phone calls and emails that this may not be the fantasy life he dreamed it was, especially without the love and comfort of his DW aboard. We'll see. Sometimes these things just work themselves out in time, when reality and actual experience set in, right? My mother always told me that the more space (rope?) you give a man, the closer he will stay to home.

And all of the above is the reason I may also tell him that I want to go on my Rome trip alone, to carve out some of my own space doing what makes me happy, and having no one's level of comfort to deal with except my own. We will see how all of this plays out in the near future.

Well, I fear that all of this is starting to become too personal and sounding like my own little dramatic soap opera. Perhaps this travel forum is not the place for al of this. Sorry if it has become tedious and boring.

It seems that mostly other women have responded to this thread, and I thank you for the sense of comaraderie and "sisterhood" that your sharing has given to me. Just let me know if you want updates of the next installment.
Peace and goodwill to all of you spouses who have made a success of traveling together! May the force stay with you along the many paths you take together.
jg

"he eventually just loses it and blows, which makes everybody around him miserable and unhappy, especially me. And as far as taking a cruise or a guided tour? Forget about it! I have already been informed that this will never happen in our lifetime."

eek, I think you married my ex!!
Stay in Rome!

jgarvey, I don't have a heck of a lot to add to this conversation (he pouts when I shop, he gets tired of looking for "just the right" restaurant, I am miserable crawling through a musuem for more than 45 minutes, I drive too fast and get pulled over, he want to keep up on intl. news on the TV...all this and we still travel together!)

But, I want to tell you that I lived on a 42' cat for two years and you have my complete sympathy. If it isn't something you absolutely love, it just becomes a chore. (Oddly, we left the cruising life because he was done, not me! Quite strange in the boating world, I know.)

Everything takes three times as long to do, whether it's cooking, washing up or provisioning. I found doing laundry to be the most odious of chores. First you have to find a third world laundry tub that isn't filled with rust and then once the clothes are clean and dry, you have to get them back to the boat in same condition. Or there's the three bucket method, wherein one hopes to avoid the next rain shower on the almost-dry items on the lifelines. I could go on and on....but I know I don't have to...you know the drill. I don't get your feelings about this as Anger at all. You're simply experiencing a sense of completion.

And if I could spend four weeks in Paris with a friend or loved one other than DH, I'd jump. The longest I've been in Europe "alone" is about a week...on two occasions. I confess, I did miss them...not just him but my young daughter as well. But if I had the chance, I'd sure work on managing my homesickness!

I do hope you'll post again and let us know how this all plays out. I will be particularly interested to learn how long the seven week trip actually lasted! ;-)

Luckily my husband and I travel fairly well together, but I don't think your situation is too uncommon. I had a conversation with a co-worker a few months ago and she was saying that her and her husband don't really travel well together, mostly because he is more adventurous and she is happy just lounging by the pool and shopping (this was while they were in Jamaica). She was thinking about traveling on her own for the first time this coming year, and I told her to go for it!

I think a month in Rome sounds absolutely fabulous, and I say go for it!

good luck and best wishes,
Tracy

Maybe I have! How old is he now and what are his whereabouts? The Caribbean on a boat? Really, Seaurchin, this is the problem and why I posted the thread. Other than when traveling together, this negative behavior just doesn't happen, only on trips. Otherwise, all is great and we are "loving spouses," as I said. In all other respects we are a very compatible couple. We have the same tastes and love being together (26 years now--5 children). That is why I posted my desperate thread. What happens to an otherwise gentle and loving spouse when he travels out of his comfort zone? Perhaps I have just answered my own question : He is not in his comfort zone; he is in mine. When I am sailing rough waters, I am not in mine. Hence, as I said, the reason driving these two separate trips. Please don't misunderstand. I really don't need couples' analysis or therapy here; we have a professional therapist for that. I guess what I am really wanting to know is--does this happen to anyone else? If so, how do you deal? I am thinking that what we are trying now for the first time is the only way to deal with it. And from what I have heard from several others on this site is, so what? We travel together in the limited circumstances that we can cope with together, and we take other kinds of trips with family or friends. We come back home and share our adventures and photos with excitement; then life goes on as usual. Perhaps we and our marriage will be the better for it. I am already talking to my other retired girlfriends about taking a cruise together in the spring or summer, just the girls. And now, one of my nieces is talking about joining me and my daughter in Rome.

So, why am I whining and looking for a little advice and shared experience if I have it all figured out? Because I'm sad, that's why. Sad that we cannot share these two indivdual and understandable interests together at this stage in our marriage, sad to have to give up on the idea that in our retirements we would have to travel to Europe and other continents separately. But mostly I reached out there because of needing reassurance that other couples have encountered this same hurdle, worked out an agreeable compromise, and have continued along with an otherwise happy and successful marriage.

I am very grateful for the feedback and hope that this discussion has helped us all. Thanks again for your willingness to partake in one of the more personal and intimate aspects of travel.

jg

Hi jgarvey

Go and have a wonderful time.

I have been married for 22 years and have two almost adult children and a very demanding career. I went to Florence and Venice for 15 days in late March by myself and it was one of the best experiences of my life. My husband went to Sturgis, South Dakota for a motorcycle rally with a friend in August for two weeks and it was one of the best experiences of his life. We both came back from our trips refreshed, revived and enthusiastic.

As a family and as a couple we have taken many trips over the years and we agree that from now on we will take at least one solo trip each year. This means that I will be going back to Italy for 3 weeks in March and he will be going to Wisconsin for a big air show in June(?). I love Europe and he prefers to travel in the United States.

We are both looking forward to our respective trips and enjoy comparing notes on how the planning is going. It is also nice for our cats when someone is home to take care of them.

You will have so much fun you will want to go again next year.

Roadlesstraveled, thank you thank you, thank you for such a kind, uplifting message. Our cats will be grateful too!

jgarvy: I think you are 'spot on'. Travelling can be stressful, and being married is stressful enough! (ha ha). While we don't go for long intervals without each other,we do go for short ones, (he goes skiing, I go to the ocean 0r to our beach house) and it is very theraputic.