Samting, thanks. All of these messages are very reassuring. And very generous for you to tell a part of your story too.

jg

Hi jgarvey, our Trojam was a 28 foot double engine motorboat, 12 foot beam. Very comfy. Great deck on the stern. A fantastic flying bridge with the pilot and co-pilot chairs plus a sofa type seating for 3 people. A good gallery, 3 burner stove, under the counter fridge, I had a toaster oven, electric fying pan and a crock pot. My husband had a marine grill on the stern. We had a 4 person dinghy also. The head even had a shower plus a long counter where the sink was. Quite lovely unlike the sailing boats we would go on, most were stripped down racing boats.

Although I am not sorry we did it the most uncomfortable sailing trip was on a stripped down 26 foot sail racing boat up the Inland Passage from Vancouver, BC. Three adults, two teens, and two 12 year olds. A two burner stove..that was it for the galley. No shower. Over a weeks trip..I was the cook. I remember browning pork chops one at a time and then stacking them in a tall pot and pouring beer over them and cooking them. Quite good actually but the captain had a fit about the amount of beer I used, lol. Oh, only a 20 gallon water tank.

I am truly sorry that your husband doesn't enjoy Europe but I have known many couples that have that problem..even couples where one doesn't enjoy large cities at all even here in the US including SF.

My opinion, I wish the spouses that have a spouse that doesn't enjoy their idea of a vacation would go on their own. Much better than not going and than feeling resentful and angry. That is not a good thing.

Do let us know how your beautiful month in Rome with your daughter is..it will be a very special time I am sure. And if your husband misses you while he is on his vacation..well that is good! But I hope he has a wonderful time also.

BTW, is this your first time to Italy and/or Rome?

Just spent a long afternoon on a 56 ft. sloop...the owners (Husband and wife)both were spectacular host(esses) but the guy was enjoying it much more than the wife, who was running about the galley, hair in her eyes, washing dishes, mopping up spills as we juggled back and forth, etc., while he was at the helm looking every inch the 'Captain", and I wondered if there was a little hostility there about 'Our' boat???? I think all of us should get some of the things we want out of life, and you can not always get them together. Go, by all means go, and remember the soft and warm place you have waiting for you at home.

Hi jgarvey,

I think people have distinctive
"travel personalities" and interests that may not always mesh, even if they get along beautifully at home. I am a compulsive planner who wants to see all the tourist sights, while my DH likes to wander, browse the shops, and be spontaneous. So for our next trip I am going to schedule for half the days and leave half the days as "free days" where we can be spontaneous or even go our separate ways.

Just a thought... Have you and your husband ever considered renting a canal boat for a vacation in Europe? It wouldn't exactly be sailing in the Caribbean, but he could be the captain and you could be the tour guide for pubs and gardens along the way.

god, if there were a law that husbands and wives have to enjoy everything that the other one enjoys, my husband and I would both have been incarcerated long ago.

And as much as travelling happens to be one thing we both enjoy, I can't say that we've enjoyed every single minute of every single trip we've ever taken. We've had some enormous fights while travelling, but thanks to the Magic of Denial, we manage to remember our travels -- as well as our marriage -- with enormous fondness!

Every trip is different, every marriage is different. Do whatcha gotta do, jgarvey, and try not to feel like you have to fit some bs Madison Avenue definition of the perfect marriage.
:)

Hey, jgarvey! I have an idea, sail around the Greek Islands! I have friends who have done this, with or without a crew. I think it would be fun with a crew.

All of you are so great to contribute these genuine and candid responses about your own many and varied experiences with "spouse travel." It is clear from the number of responses to this thread that there is (and has been) a genuine need for people to address this delicate subject and compare their experiences. Of all the problems that can challenge us as travelers, "where to sleep, where to eat, what to pack, and what sights to see" are not always our primary concerns. It is often the compatibility of fellow travelers (or lack thereof) that can determine the outcome and entire tone of a trip, its success or failure, what we will remember, or what we would rather forget.

I am relieved to discover that many of you have encountered this same situation, have found your own individual and unique styles of coping, and have still maintained a solid and viable relationship with your partner-companion-traveler. I want to travel with enjoyment and without stress. And--I want to stay married to my DH. Thanks for showing me that there is really a way to make this happen, with no guilt or regrets.
Bless us all who keep working on making it work.

SeaUrchin, strange that you should mention that. DH and I have actually talked about scenarios where he and a skillful crew would sail to some exotic port. I would fly there and settle into some luxurious spa/resort, wrap myself in a silky tropical pareo, and await the arrival of my Old Spice sailor man. Then we would then enjoy a romantic rendezvous on land--the captain and his island girl. For sure, this really is the ultimate perfect solution! Now, if we could just win the lottery!

Sounds quite romantic jgarvey!! I hope you two win the lottery!!

To all recent responders, I really did enjoy your suggestions and your reassurances that all is well with this arrangement. You have to have a lot of security in your marriage to work out this kind of problem in a creative way, and I think we do have that--plus a great deal of trust! I just wish that as a middle-age hobby the DH had chosen some land-based activity. Why not bowling, gardening, golf, photography, painting, collecting something? It could be worse though. I have an old college friend whose DH now has her on a Harley driving around in the Smokey Mountains! Good for her, but glad it isn't me. Chacque a son gout, right? Sorry if my French is misspelled.

LoveItaly--no, this is not my first trip to Italy. We went for only one-week a few years ago (one-day side trip to Florence) when our daughter was attending Loyola in Rome, but the in-laws were also along on that trip. Whew!--that's a whole other thread!

Please continue to post. I feel certain that this topic has interested many people besides me and brought up another valuable aspect of travel to consider along with your other plans.

>Chacque a son gout, right? <

chacun à son goût

((I))

I keep meaning to reply to this post, but have so many thoughts that I can't get them in order, lol! Don't worry though, it is all in support:)

First of all, being apart for 7 weeks can be a very good thing. My husband is retired military, so we were apart often, and for long and short stints. Each time he returned, we were much more appreciative of each other. You realize not to take each other for granted, etc. So the 7 week thing, IMO, isn't an issue and will probably just reinforce your good marriage:)

My husband is a sailor also. He loves it, I like it on occassion. It definitely would not be my first choice for a vacation. My husband would be very envious of yours to take this trip, lol! And I would be like you and want to do something else.

Each year I take at least one girls trip. He encourages it. I go away with either my best girlfriend, or a group of us. He is 100% supportive of it, and gets excited for me.

Just a few nights ago, we were talking about our summer family vacation (we have two teens). We have had reservations in place since July for this coming July in the Canadian Rockies. Long story short, he has an offer to go to Alaska on a guy trip, and it might interfere. I told him we could cancel our trip, and that he should go. Our son would go with him.

Then he said that our daughter and I should take our own trip at the same time. So again, long story short...DD and I invited my mom to go to Europe with us. So just us 3 "girls" are headed to Paris for almost 2 weeks!

We are all excited for each of the trips, but none of us are bothered that we will not all be together. Sometimes doing something different just works.

I hope I have not bored you with all of this, but I just wanted to add my encouragement for you. Definitely let us know how it goes!

BTW, our daughter is very excited to use her new Canon 540, lol!

Hi MMS,

I really did not want to get involved in this thread, but one part of MMS's comments caught my attention.

Your military husband was gone for weeks doing his job and serving our country. The DH here is away for 7 weeks cruising the Caribbean. I would doubt that the two are comparable as far as "reinforcing their good marriage".

barbmike--Just my opinion, but I don't think the reason one is away really makes a difference at all. My point was the old cliche "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Ira, thanks for the French spelling. It's been too many years, although I do remember entire poems I learned by heart in my many many years of conversational French and French Lit. "Use it or lose it." How about instead of, "Je pense, donc je suis" we make our new slogan, "Je (travel?), donc je suis?" I'm sure you know the French word for travel?

mms, thanks for finally jumping in! I can't tell you how happy I was to read your post, especially since your DH is also a sailor. Also, thanks for the truism you shot out to "barbmike." About the Canada trip solution--brilliant! People like your family really do give me hope. Another winning idea for all of us is the girls' trips (or guys' trips)--whether it be friends or relatives, a terrific bonding experience, especially if we have each others' trust and blessings.

barbmike, my DH is not presently serving his country, but I do think he is serving his time in a worthy cause--getting to know himself and appreciating his generous and loving wife.

mms, again: our children are both enjoying their Canon Powershot 540s. Maybe we can share their pictures together when they return. I will share my Elph picture too, thanks to all of the "elfs" who contributed to my decision in this forum.

Happy New Year to all! Good luck, good health, and great travel adventures! This is a wonderful forum.

Ira, my friend, "La vie est breve."

jg

jgarvey--This morning my husband and I were talking about this. I told him about this thread and all the opinions. He said exactly what I wrote the other day, that it didn't matter why we were apart, just that we were. We also talked about when he retires. He wants to be a Park Ranger during the summers. I love to hike and backpack, but would not want to do it for an entire summer. So we were already figuring out that he would do his thing, I would travel somewhere else, and we would meet up on various trails for a week at a time. So see, you are not alone at all:) And yes, I would love to see your pics! Thankfully my DD will be taking a photography class spring trimester, just before our trip...so hopefully her pictures turn out better than mine ever do, lol!

jgarvey, you're doing the right thing! You'll have a fantastic time. As for him joining you for a week, he probably wouldn't react favourably if you suggested joining him and his buddies on the boat. Why is it that "man time" seems much more sacred than a women's "girlfriend time" or "alone time"?

out of all the examples here, I would choose Loveitaly's. That is the kind of marriage I want.

Hey you know what, my hubby and I have taken separate trips for years.....I just returned from 8 days in Vienna with my son, and my hubby could have cared less. There are specific places and things we LOVE to do together, but also appreciate the chance to see the things we wouldn't enjoy together with other friends or family. I've been married for almost 30 years and we have ALWAYS done this!

SeaUrchin, I agree! Also, LoveItlay really knows what it means to love Italy, to love sailing, to love her husband, and to give her nod of approval to all of them. Life is too short to miss any of it. I thank her and you as well. jg

Conky, maybe this is one reason you have been married for 30 years. I believe that some time and distance do help us to appreciate each other more when we reunite and share the lives we have enriched and brought back to share. jg

Oh gulp, SeaUrchin and also jgarvey, you both have brought a lump to my throat.

I am so touched SeaUrchin, my dear friend, thank you. And jgarvey, if in any way I helped you with your decision that is good.

Love, relationships, marriage, being close, time apart, is all something that each of us needs to figure out for ourself and with our partner. What is right for one couple is not right for another couple. I was blessed, and still feel blessed regarding my late husbaznd.

Now did I ever tell you about the horrible argument we had in the Gucci store in Rome...LOL.

Why, yes, LoveItaly, I believe you did tell me once that you almost killed your husband in the Gucci store! Seriously, though, it sounds like you are blessed with so many happy memories of your late husband. Love, Travelgirl

WE have different ideas about holidays too so we do some separate things and try to compromise a bit when we are away together.
His ideal holiday is to just sit around in the hotel all day or drive around looking at stuff, then go to a restaurant in the evening - mine is to get out there and see and do everything! So, when we away together I have to curb my active 'get out of the room by 8am' instincts and he has to stir himself a bit more. It's not unknown for me to 'park' him in the car or a cafe while I go off for an hour or so. Just got back from a weekend away and he got bored at a museum so went and sat in the cafe while I finished looking around, and sat in the car while I walked round a forest trail for an hour (it was raining a bit or he might have come otherwise, but he is also a weather wimp).
Funnily enough we do seem to both enjoy ourselves. He thinks I am barmy for enjoying what I do, I think he is barmy for enjoying what he does, but it seems to work out ok.
I do go away without him twice a year though - once to a music festival with 'the girls' and once on an annual farm working holiday I've been going to for years. He sooner cut off his own leg than go on those.

Hi jg,

>Ira, my friend, "La vie est breve."

and "Ars longa". :)

((I))

Nona, you have it right. It's all about appreciating and respecting our differences rather than complaining and criticzing each other. One person's preferences for travel are not "bettter than" or "worse than" another's--just different! Yes, it is nice when you can find activities that you enjoy doing together, but if travel (or certain types of travel)isn't one of them, then that's all right too! Another key point you address here is compromise. "I'll go into the bookstore while you are in the jewelry store, and we'll meet back here at 3 o'clock." Only problem with my DH is that he keeps poking his head into MY store and pointing at his watch! Or, if I'm 10 minutes late with the meet-up, I catch hell about it. Told you, there are some mighty good reasons we are trying this new way. Perhaps we will discover that we miss each other enough to work on the compromise and flexibilty--and patience--part of traveling together. Thanks for your supportive note. jg

Yes, Ira. The years are long, as confirmed by my achy joints and numerous trips to the dentist. Here is the rest of that short poem I learned in college (over 40 years ago). Spelling may be off.

La vie est vaine
Un peu d'amour
un peu de haine
Et puis, Bonjour

La vie est breve
Un peu d'espoire
Un peu de reve
Et puis, Bonsoir

Ah, the lessons of Youth! jg

I'd check out his "crew" before left port so to speak.

Degas, his "crew" is his sister and her husband, and two cousins and their spouses--all well-known to me. But thanks for your concern. Nothing like someone warning you about something new to worry about. BTW, have you read this whole thread?? I think not.

Don't get your knickers all in a bunch - I was just joking. I'm sure all of you will have a good time. Sorry to hit a sensitive spot. Thought you were beyond that worry. My mistake.

Ummm, nice way of putting it back in my court. I guess I am not beyond that worry. I'm certain that at this very moment he is "getting it on" with some lovely island girl. Good for him!

"I'm certain that at this very moment he is "getting it on" with some lovely island girl."

Don't worry. It will not last. She has thick ankles and giggles too much.

I'm not worried at all. In fact, I'm already beginning to fantasize about a nice young Italian lover for myself when I am there for a whole month in Rome by myself. (The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone). Actually, I'm hoping that all of the verile young aides in the Italian nursing homes are getting ready for me! I've already told my children to keep this in mind when they are ready to send me away.

Here's a recent thread re behavior of Italian men towards American women. :)

fodors.com/forums/threadselect.jsp?fid=2&tid=34891336

Just curious - have any of you actually ever met? I've been scouring this site for the past week or so looking for ideas on my Italy trip, and it's just amazing how well you guys all get along.. even bicker like family a little. It's pretty interesting, from a "newbie" standpoint. You all are quite the support group... I think it's great.

Just thought I'd post that :)

Dear Ant, I don't know any of these crazy people at all, and I myself only got on this forum in October. But you are so right, the kind of "anonymous" bonding that takes place here is really a wonder and a joy. After a while, amazingly, it does start to feel like another family--one that you can't fight with in person, so you do it through these notes for a little spice and variety. You find yourself getting to know regular posters, their styles, and their special areas of expertise. Before you know it, you are part of some inside jokes and jabs toward each other. There are people, like Theresa for instance, that you just want to go meet in Detroit and help her out in her restaurant or decorating cookies. Then you start finding you are missing people that aren't posting for a while, and worrying about them and wondering if they are OK. Can't explain how it happens, but you do get caught up in it all, and it is a wonderful thing!

Hang around here for a few minutes everyday, and you won't be a "newbie" for long. Welcome to the family! jg

Thanks..since I joined (like, last week) I've already found myself on here quite a bit for my "Fodor's Fix" as I'm calling it. And I've already been unnecessarily slammed in my last thread so I will consider my initiation to this fun house complete. I'm almost glad it happened, since the best thing about it were other people completely having my back. Very cool. Very cool indeed.

Regardless of all that, I applaud you and your husband for having the courage to shake things up a little bit. Sometimes it's worth suffering a temporary discomfort if it's going to help things out in the long term. All couples should be so brave as to want to put forth this type of effort.

Hi JG and Ant,

When you start thinking of anonymous posters to a travel forum as family you are in need of counseling.

:) :) :)

((I))

Ira, not if your hubby is on a boat in the Caribbean and both of your children are in Rome at the same time. Like it or not, you are my brotha' and sista'! Some of you are the mamas and poppas. You know who you are.

Ant, getting slammed is part of the initiation process. Sometimes you just have to take it on the chin and say thank you. Looks like you can handle it. Also--thanks for the nice comments about my DH and I working on this ever-challenging institution called "marriage." At least it keeps it from getting boring and can create new respect and appreciation for each others' differences. I do think we are also both beginning to realize how much we miss each other, and this can be "a very good thing." Maybe we will have to go somewhere for a new "honeymoon" when he returns--IF we can travel there together! Maybe the honeymoon will just be at home. jg

Well Ira, it's likely that I need therapy anyway for lots of reasons, so I suppose I'll just tack this right onto my list :)

JG, I like the idea of having a 2nd honeymoon at home! That's cute! For no other reason than it is the one place you can both agree you want to be in....