Do NOT wear tennis shoes or athletic shoes. Style is far more important than your comfort. And NO Europeans wear them EVER.

Everyone you meet will be very impressed that you've not learned one word of their language and will gladly help.
Even those people in small villages know English and are just trying to make your life difficult.

If you shout slowly at them they will eventually give up and understand you.

Churches are really just free museums.
There is no need to be respectful of the people who look like regular attendees of that church. They are only just posing so you may take their picture in their "solemn" moments. Aren't they sweet? In fact, it adds to the experience if you comment loudly while touring the church. And don't forget to let the kids run wild in there either. Remember, "Blessed are the children."

always spit against the wind.

if you saw it on tv (telly), it must be true.

If it's your first trip to Europe, it is imperative that you visit as many countries as you can in the time you have. If you can blow through 2 or 3 countries a day, that's great. The most important thing is being able to come home and say something like, "I visited 15 countries in 8 days," even if you saw little to nothing of these countries you claim to have visited.

When making a purchase, always ask the clerk, "How much is that in real money?" Real money, of course, it the US$.

When making a credit card purchase, always make sure they convert the charge to US dollars. Do not let them charge you in the local currency, as credit card companies give a terrible rate of exchange compared with small store owners.

It's better to go hungry than eat in a good restaurant patronized by tourists.

Every tourist is an American tourist and they feel the same as you do about the bad service. Learn the secret handshake before you go.

If you don't wear shorts and sneakers, everyone will surely think you're a native.

If you've lost the person you're travelling with, it's best to shout his/her name down the street several times.

Everyone will love you and give you discounted prices if you wear a Canadian pin on your collar. Just say 'eh' and 'out and about' a lot.

If an Italian buffet breakfast only has 75 items on it, but no Cheerios and you LOVE Cheerios, then it's not a very good hotel.

Nobody really uses a bidet for 'that' purpose. It's really there to soak your feet and your undies (not at the same time though).

Finally, it's best to concentrate on and remember every tiny thing that was not to your liking (why not keep a little notebook handy) so you can go home and bitch about your vacation ad infinitum.

Do not drink a drop of alcohol on the plane ride. While this makes the journey seem to last forever, you will be free of jet lag upon arrival.

Travelers checks and preloaded 'travel cards' are the most economical way to safely carry your money to Europe.

be sure to take lots of small gifts to give to chamber maids at B&Bs and hotels - they LOVE getting that sort of thing and you'll get much better service..

Buy a BritRail Pass if you are going to London. It will save you a LOT of money!

janis, I hate to nit pick, but better advice would be to leave your old used underwear and clothing for the maids. They LOVE that even more than little gifts!

especially when you tip in new $1.00 bills (USD)

Advice heard in the train station given by a backpacker: “you should go to Rome I really enjoyed it. I was there two hours”

If you don’t understand the menu, just point at the right price, you can’t go wrong.

suze, you're really so sharp, I'm surprised that you suggest the dollar bills. Everyone knows that the maids would prefer four shiny US quarters to a dollar bill!

Don't the Canadians instead say "oot and aboot"? That's how the ones I know say it.

Yes, I've heard that European hotel maids love to collect US quarters and get all the states. So make sure the quarters you leave for them are all different states. Carry 3 or 4 rolls of quarters with you for this express purpose. (It also builds upper body strength.)

It's best to choose your destination, buy your plane tickets and book your hotels, then post here asking what it's like.

Darn tootin' about those quarters Patrick. Especially if they have the states on them.
If you give the maids gifts, you should leave instructions as to how to have a successful garage sale.

How about those tourist coming to the U.S. for the first time?
Remember, every American, from the old woman waiting for a bus to the kids on skateboards are carrying handguns. It's best not to make them mad.

This is very true on the freeways of Los Angeles, where you're chances of being involved in a freeway shoooting is about the same as your chances of getting a sunburn at the beach.
The above is even more true on a city street if you fail to make a right hand turn while the light is red. Californians usually give a honk on their horns before firing.

Bring your own toilet paper. There is no soft TP in Europe.

If they don't understand you, start to shout.

It's a good idea to get up early and block a lounge chair by the pool with a towel.

British Air doesn't really mean it about their carry on weight limit.

Poohgirl -- It's true! Oot and aboot! I just wasn't sure how to spell it! You must be one a them Canajuns, eh?

Ok, I originally thought this thread could possibly be confusing for people, especially anyone new, but the humor is quite apparent, so I am not worried about leading anyone astray and delightfully will add this one...
(My apologies David, I thought this thread may turn trollish, I stand corrected, it is quite funny indeed!)

This advice I actually received five years ago:

When traveling to Europe bring two large suitcases; one for your travel belongings, with plenty of space for extra stuff and one that is completely empty, in which to keep everything you purchase.

(I was traveling by myself, can you see me lugging around two large suitcases around...)

Good grief, that may very well be the worst travel advice I have ever received!

:o