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A Joke
Since this takes place in Rome, I think that it is travel related.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but no makes any offering to the beggar behind the Star of David. The priest is filled with compassion for the beggar behind the Star of David and tells him "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listens to the priest and turns to the beggar with the cross, saying "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing." ((I)) |
ira, good thread to lift our spirits. I'll join in. Again, keeping it travel related!
A Texas panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while holidaying in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak." The waiter replied, "Monsieur...what about ze mad cow?" To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad." Happy travels, y'all! |
ira and kopp, I needed a good laugh so thanks!
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Now that I've finished laughing...
Two men were playing golf in Scotland (to keep it travel related), one fell over and died on the 9th hole. Finally, the other man shows up at the clubhouse with his friend's body. The people at the club exclaim,"oh Bill, you poor thing. However did you get his body back here?" Bill says, "it was horrible. All day, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred." |
I picked this one off the Internet 6 years ago; it is probably safe to revive it.
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer, downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid- air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and shouts "In Souff Efrika ve hef zo many glassez ve never drink out of ze zame glass tvice." The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and belches. "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much bloody saaand which makes glaaass reeeally cheap so we too never drink out of the same glaaass twice." The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says, "In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice." |
I'm sure some have heard this one, but here goes:
A crowded Air Canada flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Air Canada agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too!" |
I think kopps' and l84sky's were actually funny, but I think jokes about religion and race are not usually funny. I think Ira's is relatively benign, but the last one by Ron has gone over the edge into pretty offensive. I suggest this train of jokes be ended.
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A recently engaged couple are visiting the man's parents in Mexico City. This is the first time the woman is meeting her fiance's family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the re-fried beans. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her fiance's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Paco!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrriiip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Darn it Paco!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Darn it Paco, get away from her, before she sh*** on you!" |
A Scots gentleman comes to New York to see a few of his old American friends. There is a bet made about who could drink whom under the table. The night of the big event, all the gentlemen dress up spiffy. For the Scot, the kilt, the jacket, the dirk, etc.
Off they go..one by one all fall under the table except the Scot. Winner of the bet, he proceeds to walk back to his hotel through Central Park. Well! Wouldn't ya know it? He has to take a quick pee. Not feeling all THAT perky, he leans his head against the tree trunk and proceeds. Done, he stumbles a few more steps and passes out in the flowers by the walk. About dawn the next morning, one of the ladies who lives around Central Park is walking her dandy little toy poodle...the one with the blue ribbon in its topknot. She sees the Scot and gets curious: Exactly what do Scotsmen wear under their kilts?" A few hours later, the Scot wakes up groggy...has to yet pee again, finds a tree, lifts his kilt and sees a blue ribbon wrapped around him. "Ack Laddie...I dunno know where've ya beeeeen, or what ya've beeeen doooin...but ya won firrrrst prrrrize!" |
SuzieC: :D
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A beautiful blonde took a seat in the first class section of a flight to Texas. The flight attendant says,
"Excuse me miss, you'll have to go to the coach section and take your seat." The blonde says "Oh no! I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Texas!" The attendant tried to reason with her but the blonde kept repeating, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Texas!" Finally the pilot came out after learning about the problem. He whispered something in her ear which caused her to jump out of her seat and go back to the coach section. When asked what he said he replied, "I told her that if she wanted to go to Texas she'd better go back to her assigned seat. I explained that the first class section was going to New Mexico." |
Well done, all, thank you.
Ira, you are indeed a gentleman, thank you. |
SPEAKING IN TONGUES
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely frustrated. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." |
Hi, Christina, I am sorry you were offended by my joke. I have no trouble that you did not find it funny, but it is not racist. All three characters are members of the same race, they just happen to be from different countries.
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Ah humor. It's funny how every joke seems to make fun of something or somebody. If it didn't, it wouldn't be a joke, would it. So no matter what the joke is, if someone doesn't appreciate the fact that it is meant in good fun -- then they are offended.
Some people will hear a joke about a blonde and think nothing about it, but change the blond to a Polish person and it becomes offensive to some people. Change it to a "parapalegic" and others will gasp in horror at the same joke. Maybe it was just as offensive to a blond, but some things seem to be more politically incorrect than others these days. Meanwhile some Polish people or blondes would laugh off those jokes because they realize they are based on perceived stereotypes which really can be funny -- whether they are real or only perceived stereotypes. Other Polish people or blondes would be absolutely outraged that they are being "made fun of". Take the jokes above. I'm sure that my aunt who is sometimes referred to as a fat cow would be horribly offended. And some French might even be offended that they are made fun of with that accent. I'm sure some Jewish people could be upset with the way they are being "stereotyped" in ira's first joke. Others would laugh because they recognize the humor in it. Some people have a sense of humor, some don't. And to a woman whose husband died last week of a heart attack while playing golf -- that "drag Fred" joke would be considered the rudest most horrible joke in the world. Hey who isn't made fun of in some joke or another? Lighten up folks, it's called humor. |
Three individuals of unknown gender and no particular race walked into an establishment of uncertain purpose.
No one said anything and nothing of particular interest happened. Now there's a politically-correct knee-slapper, for ya! |
>Three individuals of unknown gender and no particular race walked ...<
As a physically challenged person who has to use a wheelchair, I am offended by your insensitivity. ((I)) |
"Three individuals of unknown gender and no particular race...met!"
Oh, and I forgot the travel part. It was "somewhere". |
>Three individuals of unknown gender and no particular race walked into an establishment of uncertain purpose.<
I'm anti-establishment, so I'm offended too. :) |
That's OK. I'm anti-purpose.
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Hey wait a minute Patrick- a woman whose husband dies on a golf course may have been a golf widow for years!
Now she finally gets a chuckle out of it. O:) Here's a website you may enjoy- "LaughLab was a huge scientific experiment to discover the world's funniest joke." http://www.laughlab.co.uk/ |
Wouldn't it be just simply marvy to travel with someone who is humor challenged?
I am so often, so misundertood... <GRIN> |
Smythe: I say, Webbley, passed by your house today.
Webbley: Thank you. |
Is that a Welsh joke?
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Well shame on me, but I love these jokes!! Thanks for starting the thread Ira, we all need a good laugh right now.
Regarding golfers; The weekly foursome were out on the course when on the bordering street a funeral procession drove by. One golfer took of his cap and put it over his heart. One of his golf buddies said "say Joe, that was very nice of you". Joe replied "well it was the least I could do, she was a darn good wife for 35 years". |
The Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car a very long distance. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well, too bad", the man replies. "She was here, and you could have". BC |
OK, here is my contribution. And almost travel-related.
Did you hear, Federal Express and UPS are going to merge? The new company will be called FedUp. |
The Truth About Message Boards
Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, just to add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again |
With this inadequate message header, how is anybody supposed to have a clue that this thread contains a "<i>light bulb</i> joke?
;) Best wishes, Rex p.s. Ira's first post is still the best entry on the thread. |
Oh Scarlett, how sad but true and therefore very, very funny! :-D
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A pompous Southern minister was seated next to an attorney on a recent airline flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asks for a Gin and tonic, which is brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replies in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips! The attorney politely handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice." |
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we are married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket." |
I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.
After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids." |
There was a young lady, who was neither a brunette nor a redhead, who had recently inherited from her favorite uncle a bright red Ferrari F 40 that was in pristine condition. She had also inherited from that same uncle a large sum of money, so she decided to spend some of that money on a first class around the world sea voyage. Before she paid for that voyage, which would last for approximately six months, she went to her bank to borrow an amount of money that was equal to the cost of her voyage, and offered her Ferrari as collateral for that loan. Her banker agreed to accept the Ferrari as collateral, but only on the condition that it be warehoused by the bank in a secure location. The young lady agreed to the bankers’ terms, colleted her money, paid for her voyage, and took her trip. Six months later, when her trip was completed, she returned to the bank and wrote out a check to repay her loan plus the small amount of interest that had accrued. Her banker, who was puzzled by the young ladies behavior, asked her why she had borrowed money at interest to pay for her trip when she obviously had enough money to pay for the trip without having to borrow it from the bank. She replied that she borrowed the money because it was cheaper to pay the interest on the loan than it was to pay to have her Ferrari stored while she was on her voyage.
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OMG, love all the jokes, and I do mean all of them!!! PC or not!
And Scareltt, truth is stranger then fiction is it not. Your "joke" was unfortuntly so true", LOL. Good chuckles to everyone. |
Love your sense of humour Ira!! Enjoyed all the jokes but Ira and Scarlett 'take the cake'!!!! |
Patrick I agree...lighten up it is only humor and we all could sure use some now.
My DH is one of those that gets offended at ethnic or religious oriented jokes. So I change them all to Doctors, Lawyers and CPA's... I usually make the Lawyer the brunt of the joke... Did I mention DH is a lawyer. LOL FainaAgain... I'm going to have to tell my DH that one. I'm always on the lookout for good lawyer jokes. |
Areala, I work in a law firm. And this is what I want to say to you.
People shouldn't tell lawyers' jokes, because lawyers wouldn't understand them anyway, and the rest wouldn't think these are jokes. |
LOL Faina, sounds like my lawyer. He is a great lawyer, but does not have a sense of humor. BTW, have several lawyers in the family and doing a mental survey I believe 50% of them do have a sense of humor, as long as the joke isn't about lawyers!
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LoveItaly, I have a different impression - you should've read some of our e-mails! It's accountants who don't have sense of humor :))
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