Brilliant thread---heres my non-Welsh contribution....
An elderly couple driving cross-country,the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

;-)

Muck

Here is another one, and it's even travel-related :)

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, "Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.

To those of you who are standing in the isle, Happy Chanukkah! And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas."

Scarlett Bravo !

Oh, Patrick, you bad boy...LOL!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and ask: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Thanks guys - needed the laughs as a break from the sadness of the past days.

OK - my contribution (and to make this somewhat travel related, it takes place in Ottawa Ontario, home of the NHL team the Ottawa Senators):

During a recent playoff season for the Ottawa Senators, a young man was fortunate enough to obtain a seat (albeit, a very poor one) to one of the season final playoff games. From his vantage point way, way, way up in the rafters of the Corel Center, he noticed thay way, way, way below him at almost center ice in a just perfect location 2 rows back from the ice surface was this single, unoccupied seat. It remained unoccupied all through the first period. During the first period break, he took a chance and walked down and asked the gentleman sitting in the next seat if the empty seat was taken. To this question, the fellow replied "Oh no, it's my seat as well but you can have it if you want". Well the young man was extremely grateful and immediately settled in, but after a while he became curious.

"How is it that you have this superb and very costly playoff seat and no one is sitting in it?" he inquired.

To this the other gentleman explained that the seat belonged to his wife who had recently passed away. He went on to elaborate that they were both fervent hockey fans and had never missed a playoff game together over the years. This was his first game sitting alone without her.

This brought a tear to the young man's eyes for a few minutes, but eventually practical curiosity took over.

"But, this is such a good seat! Surely you could have found someone - a friend or family member who would have taken the seat and shared the game with you?"

"oh my goodness! I tried them all." said the widower. But they're all at the funeral!"

Cheers!

WHOA! I must live a pretty sheltered life - never heard of most of these, lol. You guys are on a roll :D

Thank God for church secretaries with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.

6. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

7. The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

8. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

9. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

10. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

11. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

And one last:

12. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I'm Upping My Pledge -- Up Yours!"

Happy travels, y'all!

Hey guys, I'm no prude, but these are getting a long way from "travel related", and parsecs away from "good taste".

:-(

kopp, ROTFL, that was great!!!

nukesafe, I noticed the same thing.

Agreed,

We don't want the thread pulled, do we?

((I))

Too late Ira, the "F bomb" has been dropped.

I don't know ira, it looks sort of like <i>someone</i> is trying to get it pulled..unless that is actually their smutty sense of humour.

Fodors took care of it ...yay.

Merci lilminkey

Mucky, too funny !

Once upon a time, in a country in Europe, there was a princess who lived in a large palace with her mother and father.

She had no friends her age and spent most of her time bouncing a golden ball through the halls of the palace and the garden.

One day, while she was bouncing her ball in the garden it fell into the pond.

Fortunately there was a large frog in the pond which retrieved her ball for her.

&quot;Thank you, Frog&quot;, said the princess.

&quot;You are welcome&quot;, said the frog, &quot;but I am really an enchanted prince. If you take me back to your room and let me stay the night, the spell will be broken&quot;.

So,the princess brought the frog to her room and let him stay the night. In the morning, he had changed into a handsome prince.

Do you know - her parents still don't believe her.

((I))

Harry and Joe were the best of friends their entire life and avid golfers.
One day while golfing (in Scotland:) ) Harry fell to the ground dead.
Joe was devastated and cried thru the whole funeral.

That night Joe awoke to find Harry's ghost standing by his bedside.

Harry what are you doing here, he asked?

Joe I came back to tell you 2 things.
Heaven is wonderful, every golfer has his own countryclub, everyday is sunny and warm, every shot is a 'hole in one' and the club staff are all beautiful Playboy Bunnies.

Wow Harry, that sounds great! What's the 2nd thing?

Sorry Joe, we're 'teeing off' tomorrow at 9.
Regards, Walter

An old stockman was wandering lost in the vast immensity of the Australian outback. His horse had died days ago and his only remaining companion was his faithful cattle dog, Bluey.

Making camp by a small waterhole he came to a painful decision. &quot;Blue,&quot; he addressed his canine pal, &quot;you've been a good mate to me all these years, and now you have to do me one last service. I'm going to have to eat you, mate.&quot;

Later, as he tossed the last bone onto the pathetic pile beside him, his eyes misted over. &quot;Jeez, I wish old Blue was here&quot;, he said. &quot;He'd of loved them bones.&quot;

An Irishman an Italian and a Norwegian were drinking at a bar in New York City.
The Irishman says,&quot; Ahh, this is a fine bar but back in Dublin the bars give you free food with your drink.&quot;
The Italian replies, &quot;Maybe so , but at the bar in Roma they give you free food and drinks all night!&quot;
Finally the Norwegian says,&quot; That's nothing, back in Oslo there is a bar where they give you free food, free drink and then they take you in a back room and make love to you all night long!&quot;
&quot;Wow!&quot; replies the Irishman,&quot;And you have been to this bar?&quot;
&quot;No, but my sister has.&quot;

logandog, I love that one.

And again, for the third day, thank you for the good laughs everyone. Well except for the ones that were deleted of course!! For that I send a thank you to Fodors. And how great they didn't delete the whole thread.

May everyone have something to chuckle about in these coming days. Cheers!

At 20: tri-weekly

At 40: try weekly

At 60: try weakly

LOL Faina!!!! Have a good weekend dear friend.

Neil: LOL :D Bless Blue!!!

LOL Faina!! see why can Faina get away with a joke like thas, but mine and Patrick's were deleted right away!

like that*

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: &quot;Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.&quot;

&quot;OH NO!&quot; the president exclaims. &quot;That's terrible!&quot;

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, president looks up and asks, &quot;How many is a brazillion?&quot;

A young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and says her body hurts wherever
she touches it.
&quot;Impossible,&quot; says the doctor. &quot;Show me.&quot;
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes
her knee and screams, pushes her ankle
and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream.
The doctor says, &quot;You're not really a
redhead, are you?&quot;
&quot;No,&quot; she says &quot;I'm actually a blonde.&quot;

&quot;I thought so&quot; the doctor says &quot;Your
finger is broken.&quot;

LOL, htm

Will I offend people with lawyer jokes?

Positively Karen, Go ahead. While we wait...

Two New Jersey hunters have bagged a stag and are dragging him through the forest, feet first, his head and rack bumping getting scatched as they bump against the ground.

Another hunter walks by from the opposite direction and says, &quot;Hey, you guys! Why not pick him up and carry him by the head?&quot;

The two hunters ignore him, continuing through the woods. After a few minutes, one of them says, &quot;What an idiot! We're not even going that way!&quot;

The Soldier, Sailor &amp; Marine walk into a bar, and the Soldier orders first and asks the bartender for an S&amp;W. The bartender asks him what was an S&amp;W. The soldier says, why, that's a scotch &amp; water.

The Sailor then places his order and asks for a WOR. The bartender asks what was a W-O-R. The Sailor says, why, that's a Whiskey on the Rocks.

The Marine bellies up to the bar and places his order. I'll have a 13 he says. The bartender says, what's a 13? The Marine replied, that's a 7 &amp; 7. ((b))

A guy walks into a bar and seats himself next to a nice-looking blonde girl. She doesn't notice him at first, being absorbed in a TV newscast of a man on a 10th-floor window ledge, threatening to jump. After a short while, though, she turns to him and says &quot;I bet he doesn't jump.&quot;
&quot;You think so?&quot;, he replies, &quot;How about a $20 bet on that?&quot;
She immediately pulls out $20 and lays it on the bar, just as the guy jumps.
She shrugs. &quot;Well, I guess you win.&quot;
&quot;Nah, I can't take your money,&quot; he replies, &quot;I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I already knew he'd jump.&quot;
&quot;Yeah, I saw it too,&quot; says the blonde, &quot;but I didn't think he'd do it again.&quot;

LOL, hdm, when a friend sent that to me this past week, it was not Rumsfeld but a Blonde :D

How many is a Brazilian ? lol

Still Laughing !!

An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

&quot;Mummy&quot; the boy asked, &quot;what are those ladies doing?&quot;

The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: &quot;I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions&quot;

The taxi driver overheard this and interrupted: &quot;why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes.&quot;

The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:

&quot;What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?&quot;

&quot;Of course&quot; the mother replied, &quot;that's where New York taxi drivers come from.&quot;


;-)

Muck

A 3-year-old boy in the bath was examining his private parts with interest. &quot;Mum,&quot; he said, &quot;are these my brains?&quot;
&quot;Not yet, they're not&quot;, replied Mum.

Does anyone else get that blond jokes are not only racist but sexist? llamalady, maybe this joke would be at least funny if you had started it off, &quot;one of my relatives...&quot;

L84sky
If it had started with 'one of my relatives' it would have been a news report, not a joke!

Ok, here's my contribution.

&quot;Tenjewberrymuds&quot;

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): &quot;Morrin. Roon sirbees.&quot;

Guest (G): &quot;Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.&quot;

RS: &quot;Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??&quot;

G: &quot;Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.&quot;

RS: &quot;Ow July den?&quot;

G: &quot;What??&quot;

RS: &quot;Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?&quot;

G : &quot;Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.&quot;

RS: &quot;Ow July dee baykem? Crease?&quot;

G: &quot;Crisp will be fine.&quot;

RS : &quot;Hokay. An Sahn toes?&quot;

G: &quot;What?&quot;

RS:&quot;An toes. July Sahn toes?&quot;

G: &quot;I don't think so.&quot;

RS: &quot;No? Judo wan sahn toes??&quot;

G: &quot;I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.&quot;

RS: &quot;Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?&quot;

G: &quot;English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.&quot;

RS: &quot;We bodder?&quot;

G: &quot;No...just put the bodder on the side.&quot;

RS: &quot;Wad?&quot;

G: &quot;I mean butter...just put it on the side.&quot;

RS: &quot;Copy?&quot;

G: &quot;Excuse me?&quot;

RS: &quot;Copy...tea...meel?&quot;

G: &quot;Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.&quot;

RS: &quot;One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??&quot;

G: &quot;Whatever you say.&quot;

RS: &quot;Tenjewberrymuds.&quot;

G : &quot;You're very welcome.&quot;

Reminds me of talking to the SBC help desk