In 2 months my husband & I are going on our first cruise. We are going with his brother & his wife. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter & are going to leave her with my parents. We are going on a 4 night cruise so it won't be long. We thought we'd try a short one for our first to make sure we enjoy it. We are totally excited about it & just can't wait....(I've been doing a happy dance since we booked!)

My problem is that my mom has contiued to make comments to me trying to make me feel guilty about going. "You don't have enough money to go", "It's the middle of hurricane season", "Your daughter won't know what to do with out you for 4 days", "You'll have to take off work and you might need those days if the baby gets sick", & so on along the same lines.

My husband & I haven't been on a trip since our honeymoon 5 years ago. Yes, we decided to go with my bro-in-law on a total whim, but what is life if you can't do something a little spontanous & fun every now and again. My husband got a bonus last month that paid for the cruise in full & next month he'll get another bonus that will pay for our extra expenses.

Should I feel guilty about going? I don't think I should, but my mom is convinced otherwise. Please give me feedback if you are a parent & have had to leave your kids & how you would've handled this situation.
Thanks in advance!!!

There are alot more family dynamics at work here that we could even try to help you.

You would have to realize that you only have to please yourself, your hubby and no one else !

Your daughter will do just fine if Grandma stops being so pessimistic-children do sense things. Be upbeat & happy with her and go & have fun.

You will feel that tug of missing her but you & hubby deserve time alone.

Cheer up & have fun!!

Dr. Phil time - it sounds like your mother may not actually be thrilled about watching your daughter. As you know, it can be exhausting to be with a toddler all day.

I agree with Gail. It sounds more like your mom might have more of a problem with babysitting for 4 days than she does with you going on the trip.

I wouldn't feel guilty about going, I would just consider making other babysitting arrangements. Perhaps your hubby's family or other siblings might assist?

I agree long_way, it is not the cruise I would think but the fact that your mother does not want to "babysit" for four or five days. And how sad for her..having a grandchild without the grandchilds parents can be such a pleasurable time.

I am sure not a "Dr. Phil" but I would try to figure out who else would be happy to have your little daughter for this short time. And if that family is agreeable I would tell your mother that you have worked out other arrangements. Now if there is not another family or person to keep your little girl I sure don't have any suggestions unfortuantly.

After five years I would certainly say that you and your husband are certainly overdue for a "get-away" time. And unless you are borrowing money fron your mother the financial end of the situation is none of her business.

Have you talked to your brother-in-law about this? Does he have any suggestions?

You should be doing the "happy dance" regarding this short cruise, if only your mother was not presenting the problem. And I say this as a mother and a grandmother! Best wishes to you that you can get this worked out long_way!!!

I know I probably shouldn't have posted this here, but I figured that fellow travelers out there would have dealt with something like this possibly & would have some insight on how to handle a situation like this.

I'm wondering what to say to ease my mom's fears. They haven't ever traveled at all and that is more of a problem than keeping my daughter...they keep her all the time for us and overnight, too. I think that us traveling may scare her a bit for some reason.

I wouldn't leave my daughter w/ husband's parents...they've bailed on us 3 other times when they said they would watch her for us and we've had to cancel plans. Not going to do that this time. Also, no brother or sisters for me and hubby's brother and sister-in-law will be with us on the trip.

Hello long_way, I am sorry you have this problem. Is there a way you can sit down with your parents in a gentle way and talk to them about their fears?
Give them your itinerary etc. and somehow get across to them this is just a short cruise, that all will be fine etc. Maybe not, but personally I don't know what else to suggest, especially if you do not have anyone else to watch your little daughter. Or do you perhaps have a friend that would and you could offer to do the same when they need to get away for a few days.

Is there the possibility that your parents (I have no idea of their age or their health conditions) just do not feel up to taking care of your daughter for four or five days. A little one at one and a half can be a handful. Is that possibly the problem?

I do hope you can get this worked out as it seems after five years it would be so wonderful if you and your husband could take this cruise. My best wishes to you.

We were only able to travel once in 12 years without kids because of no good child care - both of us have very small families, siblings with issues managing their own lives, etc - so I do sympathize.

Some suggestions. If mother's anxiety over travel is an issue - which probably means she is worried you will both drop dead on the trip - you can show her that you have everything in place all the time in case of such an event (you do - right?). This includes wills, contingency guardian for dtr and someone who knows where everything important is.

Second - can you create some down time for Grandma during the day. That age is a little young for play-dates, but do you have friend, cousin, etc who could take her to park for a half day, etc. Of course you don't want dtr to get bounced all over for 4 days, just some downtime for Grandma.

Third. How was Mom approacheda bout this babysitting detail. Asked? Told?

Fourth. It is time to sit down with your Mom and very kindly but directly ask "I am getting the feeling you are not comfortable with us going on this trip and watching Susie - I think we should talk about this now" Do not get angry at her if she says she will not do it, and do not let her give a bland non-answer.

Finally, you may not be able to go. Couple time is very important, but the well-being of your daughter is more important and if your mother really does not want to do this, that ends the discussion.

Sounds like she is jealous.

It is very important that you and our husband have some time for yourselves. After 5 years, I believe you need it. It's only 4 nights. It will fly by in a snap...unfortunately.

Does you daughter get along with her grandparents? Maybe your mom is afraid that the little girl will "freak-out." Have you ever left her alone with parents before? If not, then you must try it out first.

We felt so guilty when we left our son with my husband's sister (+ her husband and 2 kids) for our first long weekend getaway (to the Bahamas). I think he was about your daughter's age. We thought about him the entire time we were traveling to the island. When we got to the hotel we called their house and we could hear him in the background laughing hysterically (his cousin was being silly). We felt like "oh fine, don't miss us, we'll have a grand time here too then!" LOL.
Anyway, this little story to tell you it's okay/normal if you feel guilty at first but it's also okay to go away and have time with your husband. Actually it's really important to do that, in my opinion.

Our son is 4 now. We go away once or twice a year without him (just long weekends). We are lucky to have my husband's parents (healthy active couple) and his sister (and her family) who have no problems watching him (my parents are deceased and my siblings all live in other states). By the way, our son knows them VERY WELL. Probably the reason why he never is upset when we leave him with them.

I have to say that I completely agree with all of Gail's comments. Personally, I wouldn't leave him with anybody who'd made comments like your mother has. Thankfully our family has not and they actually always tell us 'if you want to go away, go, we'll gladly watch him!'. I don't know your mother so I don't know the reasons behind the comments. But to me the comments translate to "I really don't want to watch your child for that long of a period of time".

Good luck whatever happens. I do hope you get to go on your cruise.

My mom and step dad have been married almost 30 years and when I really thought about what the secret to their success was, I realized they put their marriage before anything else...a subject I have now seen on shows etc, that when you feel guilty and put the kids first all the time, your relationship will suffer, and they never did. They did what they wanted, and we did family trips too and we (kids) were not in charge, my parents were...I would not feel guilty, but the granparent situation seems like a whole other issue-I agree with others, she seems to be communicating her own reservations and maybe jealousy through her comments...have a great time !!

Speaking as a daughter, mother & wife of many years, I think you should reassure your mother that you & your husband have considered all the points she has brought up & as adults, made the decision that you deserve this break.

Continue to do your "happy dance" & have a great time.

"Wednesday" is 100% correct. Very good advice.

Sounds like the grandma is either jealous of the opportunity or doesn't want to sit. Cut the apron strings and look for an alternate sitter. Don't consult grandma about future trip plans. You are grown ups now and should make your own decisions without worrying about what other people think.
They are not walking in your shoes.

Next time do what we do, bring the grandparents/babysitters along, they get a vacation (make them pay their own way of course) and you get a babysitter!

You mentioned that your parents did not travel much - I think this is the key. They feel that this decision is not in your child's best interest - that doesn't mean that they're right. YOU have to make the decisions that will work for your family and your marriage - their standards do not have to become your standards. My parents were the same way - never travelled - feared our travelling, yet were good about watching our daughter whenever we travelled. Our daughter, now grown, has "out-travelled" us - each generation will set their own life standards and goals. Enjoy your trip!

long way
I am sure your mother's intentions are good. The reasons she gives you for not going are probably the same reasons she's given herself for not traveling. Just forgive her for not understanding and go with no quilt!

Ignore her unless you really can't afford it. You'll do yourselves and your daughter no good gathering debt. Have a great time otherwise!!

I certainly don't want anyone to think that I would actually choose anyone but my parents to watch my daughter. They are wonderful with her and she feels at home with them anytime they keep her. Having them keep her would be the easiest on her, too. I can't think of pawning her off on someone else that doesn't take as good of care of her or love her as much as they do.

I no longer feel guilty about going on the cruise itself, what I feel guilty about is how to ease my mother's fears of us being away and on the sea for 5 days. Anyone have advice for this situation or things to say to help?

If I had listened to all my mother's fears about my traveling I would have never gone anywhere. Some people are just afraid of being far from home or having a loved family member being far from home (you).

Don't blame her (I am sure you are not) but gently confirm that you are going to go and that you will be careful and try to calm her fears. Do you know specifically what she is afraid of?

I used to ask my mother to be a part of my planning and then she would get mildly excited for me but she still had the fear. She would go so far as saying I hope you make it back in one piece when I would say goodbye to her at the door. I always left my son with her too. Talk about guilt!

Have a good time and try to shake the feeling of guilt, but I know it is hard.

You have all ready probably thought of these things.
Give your parents a copy of your itinerary. Leave them the ship emergency phone number where you can be reached and if possible make contact with them while you are away either by phone or email. You will probably be checking in anyhow but just reassure them you will be in touch.
Are they concerned something will happen with your daughter while you are gone? Would they need a back-up plan in case of her illness? If so, have something in place.
We are at the point where we are the ones worried about leaving my elderly parents! I do the above and it makes ME feel better! They always encourage us to travel but I feel guilty.
GO and have a good time. After this first trip and all goes well hopefully they will feel better about you traveling.