Yesterday was a designated P.D.D. That’s a Pamper Dogster Day.

I think I might have taken it all a bit TOO far.

In Siem Reap a P.D.D. is a whole different thing. There are few options here that, really, you don’t find in too many other places. Nope, I’m not talking rude stuff. By the end of yesterday I was in no state for any of that. Now, I’ve moved into ‘The Zone’ - I could stay here for a month. I’m a part of the furniture. No sex-tourist hassle, no postcards, no beggars, no tuk-tuks, no motorbikes – everybody around here knows where I’m staying and what I like to do – my daily rituals and oddities. This always takes a few days but, once accomplished – a whole new world of wonder opens up.

Here’s yesterday’s schedule: Hotel B does a rather nice breakfast – I have that downstairs. I wander out of my room – one floor down is the Lingha Spa – a tasteful establishment that seems to be exclusively for men – then, down another few stairs, is breakfast in the AHA restaurant – run by the Hotel De La Paix. I have a few options here. Eat outside; either directly opposite one side of the Central Market and watch that daily world go by – or one other side of the building, just feet away from the Lingha Bar. This establishment is quiet in the mornings – as establishments of this kind tend to be.

Here I can talk to my many passing acquaintances – the pack of book-selling children, Stumpy, my land-mine pal, One Leg, another victim, Mrs. One Leg – yet ANOTHER victim, various passing restaurateurs, gallery owners, the many and varied staff from everywhere… all the time stuffing my face with an omelette, mushrooms, tomatoes, fresh O.J, Lavazza coffee… I hadn’t yet taken the third option – inside with the A/C – that was a bit dull in comparison.

Then off to the Market – not for the fruit and vegetables – but for a manicure.

Then, on a whim, a pedicure.

Dogster, sitting on a tiny stool, surrounded by women having their nails painted, dead chickens, cuts of meat hanging in the air, a seamstress or two, about one hundred stall-holders selling everything under the sun – his bony knees clenched together, a bowl of water balanced precariously on top, both hands dangling limply in the bowl, nails and cuticles softening, both bare feet stuck in a bucket, gnarled toe-nails slowly giving up their multiple ghosts – I’m wondering if any human being could look more stupid. Not possible.

Two dollahhh…

So, all twenty digits attended to, [no, I didn’t have the nail polish] off to Blue Pumpkin for my daily chilled coconut juice. A giant shaved coconut, a straw, a seat outside, a fan blowing on my head – bliss.

Two dollahhh…

Down the street, a block away, my latest discovery – Dogster’s Beauty Parlour. It hides behind black plate-glass windows with ancient Chinese New Year decorations stuck on them. Only careful investigation and a chance open-door located it. Somehow, I have the feeling that I was the first Westerner to grace the red reclining chairs. But a sweet, soft man wearing a blue surgical mask roused himself from slumber to talk mangled English to the wandering foreigner and a plan of attack was formulated.

First – a shave.

Now, given the hairless faces of most Cambodian men, a shop that shaves is a REAL find.

‘How much?’ I asked, with appropriate gestures.

Great confusion. They had never seen so many morning bristles on a face before. He smiled and said guilelessly:

‘Monkey. More….’

I had to roll with that.

‘Two dollahhh.’

This was clearly way, way above normal. Mostly they have to pick at three or four accidental black hairs once a month, it seems. Fine by me. I was laid flat in the red recliner, shaving foam was procured and a soft, scratchy, tentative shave ensued. It was a bit like having a frightened rat chew on my stubble.

Eventually, Dogster’s monkey-face was cleared of hair. But there was more to come. A little soft massage and I was un-reclined.

‘You want face?’

Whatever that meant.

‘Why not? How much?’

‘Two dollahhhh.’

The red recliner was reversed and I was flat on my back again. This time for the application of strips of white paper, each about three inches long, glued to every available surface. I had no idea what was going on and as I couldn’t see anything, strips of white paper having been glued to my eyes as well, just had to lie there hoping my face wouldn’t dissolve.

After a long time the strips were peeled off and examined. All the staff were gathered to witness the great unveiling of Dogster, the foreign Mummy. Great excitement. To judge from the reaction, every pore had expelled sewerage. I was, however, complimented by many of the ladies present on my large nose. At least, I think that’s what they were talking about.

My man made a series of rather rude gestures with one finger, waving it stiffly around and turning it from side to side.

‘Yes?’ he asked.

I had no idea what he meant, so, in the Dogster manner, of course I said:

‘O.K., why not? How much?’

‘Two dollahhhh.’

Was there ANYTHING in Siem Reap that didn’t cost two dollars?

Then the bright light was brought out, lethal prongs and implements I can’t bear to even think about were delivered on a steel tray. A glamorous female assistant was procured. She peeled on a pair of white plastic gloves, sat down beside me and started to insert the probe deep into my right ear.

Either it was radical brain surgery through the nearest available orifice – or I was having my ears cleaned.

Now, I know some of you will be eating breakfast when you read this, so I’ll spare you the descriptions of the mountain of orange gunge, the dead flies, the flora and fauna that was dug out of my scull. A small family of mice scuttled out screaming – or was that ME screaming? It’s all a bit of a blur.

I was sweating, the way you do when the prospect of a punctured ear-drum suddenly presents itself. I was given a small cushion to clasp. I shredded it in terror. My toes were curling, face contorting, both eyes rolling, searching for a place to look. I settled on a picture of Angkor Wat made of matchsticks.

All I could feel was the probe going in, the probe coming out, some strange movement inside my head, a tug, a trawl through inner space as more animal life was plucked from the darkness.

God, I’ll have to stop writing and lie down. I’m shaking. I’ll have thirty beers and tell you the rest later...

can't wait.....

Not exactly my idea of a spa day, but I salute your sense of adventure. I am disappointed, though, that you didn't opt for any color with your manicure and pedicure.

Ear cleaning sounds like it's definitely not in the realm of pampering! You are one brave traveler.

I have been waylaid, diverted from my narrative and rendered mute. I can't possibly tell you the details - but I DO have very clean ears.

Heh.

Here endeth Dogster's official adventures in Siem Reap.

Say it ain't so Do! ( an American reference to an antequated baseball expression).

WE WANT MORE.

Ok, but do we get a report of the unofficial adventures in Siem Reap?

Lol Gpanda - that was a quick response... I just thought you might all be getting bored with me by now.

Just let me sober up. I have to sllep. It's nearly 2.00 a.m.

Kathie, sorry I missed you there, we cross-posted... mmmmm - I could be talked into it...

no names, no pack drill tho' - I have to protect the innocent.

Dogster, great reading, I am looking forward to my first trip to SR in January. Its refreshing to read your experiences. Thanks!

More, more! Don't stop,please!

I know what I did today, but more importantly (and probably more interestingly) what did Dogster do?

"Here endeth Dogster's official adventures in Siem Reap." sniff, sniff as I look for a tissue... You're a blast of literary fresh air from all of the same questions being posted for the umpteenth time... blah, blah, "is 5 days long enough to see all of India" stuff.

Don't be gone for long!

Hope you are enjoying your "unofficial" adventures dogster! We can only imagine . . .

This is so much fun Dogster - please continue from wherever you are!

I also had the "I go with you" experience in Siem Reap recently.

Me "No thank you"

Girl (? some doubt) "Why not?"

Like a fool I tried to explain.

"Get on moto with me"

"No"

"Why not, only $1" (For moto ride maybe)

Finally it hit me that I should not have to justify my lack of interest to a prostitute and escaped.

However its all part of the fun of Asia. Friends of my daughter's who live in Siem Reap walked past one girl every night for months. Male was on his own one night and she tried her luck.

Don't let any of this put you off coming. Its a great country.

Wha... wha...? silverwool... you mean it wasn't just MY personal magnetism and supreme good looks? Do you think she was a [gasp] p-p-prostiture? [I can hardly say the word].

Ahhh, I'm feeling sad today. In less than 24 hours I'll be back at the hateful Centara Grand in BKK. There are reasons for this idiot choice. The words 'glutton for punishment' come to mind. Then home to Melbourne.

I scarcely think a 'Dogster: Live from Melbourne' post would be riveting reading.

But, for those of you coming to Siem Reap in the near future - there's just one more place I want to tell you about. The most remarkable restaurant in the known world.

I'm gonna go off and have a massage [P.D.D. continues, pretty well non-stop] and I'll compose my latest, and last, missive from Siem Reap.

Just to say thank you for all your kind words.

I wouldn't mind a Live from Melbourne post since I'm headed there next month for the first time to see a friend-I'm sure you could give me a whole new perspective.

Guys, it's late and I'm on the road. I'll tag this from BKK tomorrow - or Australia.

Wherever I end up.