Well . . . we’re doing a last-minute trip to Beijing in 3 weeks. My stepson is marrying a Chinese girl he met while she was a student in Canada. We like her – a lot. The ‘small’ wedding for close friends & relatives is slated for Handan so her ill grandmother can attend. A ‘big’ Beijing wedding might follow later in the year (her father is mid to upper level gov’t official – has an Audi A8 + driver at beck & call) & then a Canadian reception . . .

My wife has freaked on net articles about the wedding customs – cash envelopes & all the crazy gifts that have to given etc. It looks like it really is going to be small due to their circumstances so what’s the reality here for a small informal wedding? We will offer to pay for the wedding meal – a lunch - but what else should we not ignore?

We will side trip to Great Wall at Mutianyu, Beijing sites & we hope to spend 3 nights in Xi’an - even though it’s winter. We will stay at Plaza Royale Hotel in the Chaoyang District to be beside their condo & possibly the Hyatt in Xi’an. Travel will be via train & air but they can help us with that.

Any suggestions to avoid ‘losing face’? Or general or specific advice?

Ian

It's usually the guy's family who pay for the wedding.

So I understand, but we're in Canada & we don't speak Mandarin & the preparations are rushed due to the grandmother's health. Her mother has offered to pay for the lunch & my future daughter-in-law told us she would pay for the photographer. We, of course, will try to pay for both of these.

Ian

Show up with red pockets with large sum of cash and you'll be fine!

If you like, perhaps a gold chain and/or gold bracelets will be appreciated too.

Jewelry is always good, maybe you can also google "tea ceremony" for more tips! Oh, and when eating, make sure hte oldest members at the table eat first, then down to the youngest. Never serve a child first.

Well, IMO because the expectation would normally be that you, as the groom’s parents, would be paying for everything (including the “big” wedding in Beijing later), I would have a frank conversation with your stepson about what exactly you should be doing. You can either include your prospective daughter-law or let your step son run interference. You don’t want any misunderstandings. Find out what “small” means for a start, that could mean 100 people. (I have been to weddings here of over 700 guests, that’s kind of an average size to be honest.) Also, the bride’s mother may be offering to pay for the lunch for the small wedding on the mistaken impression that YOU are going to pay for the “big” wedding in Beijing. Or, they may be bucking tradition and just be willing to pay for both the lunch and the big wedding in Beijing, in which case it would be very nice for you to try to pay for everything at the small wedding (kind of like in lieu of a rehearsal dinner....). You may as well start off being in-laws with no misunderstandings. There is a big difference in the cultural traditions here, but based on my experience you are not going to be expected to know what to do and who to give gifts to. I cannot imagine that your daughter-in-law or her family has any expectation that you would be giving the tradition gifts for a wedding like the clothes, etc. Your stepson and daughter-in-law should advise. You would want to give the same advice to your daughter-in-law if you have a reception in Canada so that her parents would know what is (and is not) expected of them.

I’d be interested to hear your impressions of Handan, esp re air pollution. I don’t think many tourists get there.

If a tea ceremony is involved (which I think is highly likely due to the presence of the bride's grandmother), then you should at the very least prepare red packets with cash as well as a gift of jewelry for the bride for gifting after she offers you the tea.

In my experience of Chinese weddings, relatives will have the bride wear their gifts of gold bracelets, necklaces etc. immediately. (In many cases, you will see pictures of brides laden with gold and whatnots on their wrists and neck after the tea ceremony.)

Your red packets should be handed to the bride and groom (during the tea ceremony) and also to the "tea handler" who will be helping out during the tea ceremony e.g. handing out the cups, repouring the tea.

In addition, your son should also have his own stash of red packets to hand out to any and all kiddos present during the wedding, including the flower girl/boy, the bride's friends etc, if any.

I think that's the most basic. Anything else shouldn't be expected of you (unless of course, as pointed out earlier, they may expect you to pay for the entire wedding

Our daughter married in Australia so we had the same problem of knowing what to do. We thought it embarrassing to hand out red envelopes to collect money even though it was tradition.
It was not necessary as all the chinese invited guests came themselves with money already in their own red envelopes - perhaps this is the safer option?

Err...I think there's a major misunderstanding here. No one -ever- gives out EMPTY red packets for the purpose of collecting money.

Your red packets need to have money IN them to give out as tokens of appreciation or as a sign of good wishes etc.

Similarly, guests who are invited to a wedding dinner with bring their OWN red packets as cash gifts to the wedding couple. It is also common for many couples to immediately use these cash gifts to pay for their wedding dinner at the end of the night (this is common in Southeast Asia, not sure about China).

JannaG is correct about everything.

Anyways, Chinese guests usually "pay" for their dinner upfront, not after the dinner.

The OP is the groom's parents. They are there to be honored, so nothing to worry there. The red pocket and gifts are for the new couple only.

I can't think of any thing they really need to worry about. Well, maybe tell whoever who may be at your table that you two can help yourself with the food and tell them not to put food on your dishes. But of course, that doesn't mean you shouldn't get food - or at least attempt to, or pretend to attempt to - for the girl's grandma or whoever on her side that's at your table and are of an older generation.

Watch out for excessive alcohol being served to you as well. I don't know what the local tradition at Handan is, but at some parts of China, people can drink. Worse of all, they like to get other people to drink.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

Of course, everything we hear comes 3rd hand from my stepson or via email from the bride. The grandmother’s illness is very serious – heart – and she has been in the hospital in Handan for a month & the bride’s mother has been spending a lot of time there & running back & forth to her job in Beijing – she’s gov’t too. This has sped up the plans & forced them to skip a Beijing wedding. The bride’s father is also traveling extensively right now & his availability is very limited. They are skipping the Tea Ceremony & since it’s immediately before New Year & in Handan, the guest count is to be very small. We were afraid that a wedding in Beijing would be a huge political affair with a who’s who of gov’t officials since he does move in those circles.

They are quite well off with a 3 BR condo in Beijing on Wanshou Rd & they provided a hefty down payment for a 2 BR condo for the bride in the southern CBD – Chaoyang area in Beijing. We suspect that they want to ensure their daughter – only child of course – doesn’t forget them when she emigrates to Canada later this year.

They have offered a friend’s condo for us in Handan, which we’ll accept & in Beijing we were offered accommodations in the Chaoyang condo but we plan to hotel it there.

Btw the bride doesn’t like gold . . . Swarovski Crystal is her thing & my wife is getting earrings & a necklace for her.

And I will post a trip report & photos when we return - I promise.

Ian

Is it the custom to hand gifts, envelopes, anything with two hands? I noticed this when we were in Hong Kong last week. If so, it would be nice to follow the custom.

>but at some parts of China, people can drink. Worse of all, they like to get other people to drink.<

Never a problem for me or my wife. We're pros.

Further details: Dec 11 & 30 or so people invited.

So far I've learned:

No hugs. Bow & handshake - but let them initiate.

My wife should not wear black or white.

Smile a lot & say "how cher" (good food) to everybody.

This promises to be an adventure.

Ian

I am really enjoying reading this thread! I should probably also throw in that if they compliment you on anything, you should say something disparaging about yourself and compliment them in return. It goes something like this, "Your son is so wonderful, so hard working and intelligent, you did such a great job." Instead of saying "thank you", you might want to say "Pssh, my son is nothing compared to your daughter. She is so lovely and treats all of her elders with such respect."

This shows that you are humble and well mannered.

One thing I learned early on: White may be the color of weddings in Western culture but it's the color of death in the East. When I wrapped my wedding presents in (what was for me) traditional white on white my colleagues were horrified. They re-did everything in pink and red!

Also don't feel that you have to actual drink all that incendiary liquor that is offered in toasts. Along with being toasted by everyone and his dog, it's traditional for the hosts to go from table to table to toast the guests. We would substitute tea in the cognac glass and chug away.

You never drink alone - raise your glass and toast someone at your table, and you drink together. People will want to toast you and you really have to watch the alcohol. Women can get away with a polite refusal, but it is harder for men. If you can fill your glass with tea, that is a good suggestion. You will have to toast every table, too.

Never say 'thank you' after a compliment. You must act as though you are refusing to accept the compliment - "Oh,no, not really" is much better than "thank you!"

Don't worry too much, the spotlight is not on you and your wife so people will be forgiving if you don't know the customs. Usually the mother of the groom is in charge since you pay for the wedding banquet so everything should be discussed clearly with your stepson, who will consult his fiancee with input from her parents. The big deal is no one should "lose face".

You are right about your in-laws concerns of their only child moving overseas, it is a big deal. Bring gifts for your in-laws, and something for the owner of the condo.

Wear a nice suit with a warm overcoat, and your wife should be decked out in a smart outfit of bright colors with some nice jewelery. This will be the prelude to the big Beijing wedding, which will be a grand affair.

Thanks one & all for the helpful info. We are really starting to look forward to this trip. We are being thrust into a slice of real Chinese life, with a good mix of touristing too.

So far:
Feb 6 - 9 Beijing - Hotel - maybe Playa Royale - Chaoyang
Feb 10 - Train to Handan
Feb 10 - 12 Handan - condo
(Feb 11 is the wedding)
Feb 12 - Train to Xi'an
Feb 12 - 14 Xi'an - maybe Hyatt
Feb 14 - Fly to Beijing
Feb 14 - 17 - more Beijing - same hotel as above
Feb 17 - Return Toronto

Ian

This morning we got the groom-to-be stuffed on the plane to Beijing. He will stay in the bride-to-be's new condo in Chaoyang - and get this - her mother is staying too! At least for the next few days. We had heard that her father - who is traveling - was not pleased about them staying together before the wedding. It will be interesting to see . . .

Our plans are fixed - flight & hotel - Plaza Royale suite for $126 CAD. It's 3 doors away from the condo. We are going to wing it for the rest & book Xi'an etc when we get to China at the insistence of our 'new family'.

Ian

Do tell us about it when you return!