Don't speak so soon, seetheworld. My one son's was the real killer- much, much more $$$ than my daughter's or other childrens' combined. Sons don't exempt you fully from costs. Plus you don't get much input either, especially if it is at a distance from where you live. And in our area, it is the groom's family's tradition to host the rehearsal dinner. For the other sons it was at my home.

NOOOOOOO! Not for this one. This was way too far from our home so it got compacted within one part of a 3 day "rent the entire Hyatt Rosemont spectacular". The church and all the events were about 100 miles away and so we all had to stay up there in hotel suites. Just the clothes for this thing sent my oldest son's family (5 people standing up in his family alone)back over $1200. Can you say- "How much is this flower girl dress?" My parents, his grandparents wouldn't stay there- didn't feel comfortable with the glitz. My brother ended up taking them home. Oh well, you can't please them all.

One of the funniest things I can remember about the last day was going to the bar in the lobby and ordering a Cosmopolitan and my daughter saying "Mom, do you know how much that just cost you?" And I replying, "Right now I really don't care."

But not to worry. They are happy, and my ex instigated so much business at the wedding that he ended up paying for the rehearsal dinner, wedding spa makeovers, most of the flowers, and almost everything our family was involved with but the rooms. They had a "limo bus" for the entire wedding party (about 17 people) to take pictures in the park, Church, pre-reception cocktail and tidbit room, dinner, dance, sweets reception, morning-after bridal breakfast for those before flights- and it really did last 3 full days. It was a wedding/vacation. It's what her parents and her one Grandmother WANTED. But I got a great daughter-in-law and I also got to roam and learn the Rosemont/OHare area somewhat in the off times. I'm not really a spa person.

OH....MY.....GOODNESS!

Wow.

Maybe she really is Joan Rivers' long lost other daughter.

Everytime I drink a cosmo I'll think of you! :-)

Wow!! I disappeared for the day and was looking to see if maybe a few responses came in and it has taken me over an hour to read all of these posts!!!
First, the reference to food was there may not be any.
Second, I am not invited to the religious ceremony(mormon), just the reception in a backyard at another neighbor's house.
Third, the couple is young early twenties. They live in an apartment and are finishing their degrees.
Fourth, the mother and I are friendly, neighborly, the younger sister is friends with my girls.
I believe we are all going to be invited. I am not sure yet. The mother has explained that the invite is late. I also think she may have registered at a local store. I will check into it.
I was married almost twenty years ago. I haven't been to a wedding outside of the NJ/NY area in about 10 years. We all gave money and yes we tried to cover our plate.(at least at a reasonable place) I was brought up to think as if the bride and groom were footing the bill. A friend of my moms used to wait to see if they were served beef or chicken before they wrote the check at the reception! That is so tacky!!
I did a dollar dance at my wedding!! (This was new to me-my husband is a german with immigrant parents).
I can not believe the responses on this thread and am glad to hear all the different opinions. The parents are southerners, but I think a check or a gift card to the store of her choice might be appreciated since they are so young and can probably use it. I remember getting a vase at 23 that I thought was nice. I had no idea that it was a valuable crystal. I am sure the giver spent a lot of money, but I was in need of towels and sheets and a tv!! I did get a great gift. A set of really nice pots and pans. One of my bosses was a gourmet cook and gave me a great set. Everyone does need pots and pans!!
So, I will check her registry profile and see what is there.
I think the North/South difference is that the Northerners tend to have more elaborte weddings. Also, growing up in NJ, the weddings tended to be more ethnic. The more ethnic, the more cash that was given. I have cousins in the Atlanta area and attended a wedding there many years ago. There were tiny hors dorves (?spell) and cake. We came hungry and went out to dinner after. I guess we didn't know what to expect. We were also way over dressed!!!! Saturday evening weddings in NJ meant you could wear your sequins!!! This has been fun. I will keep you all updated. And I will keep the sequins in the back of my closet!!!!LOL!

Geez, JJ5! I think my contribution to my sons will be my old hope chest or maybe a big fat bribe to elope!!

OMG, girlonthego, sequins are out? When was someone going to tell me! :D

Do you know, see the world, that my best friend who has been like a second mother to my son Tom, actually told him she would pay him to elope when she saw a fraction of the fallout! Honestly and she wasn't kidding.

Also dsm22, try three quarters Sicilian /one quarter German / Roman Catholic Chicago immigrant 200 plus immediate family member family marrying into the Polish/Irish Immigrant Roman Catholic Princess of the North Suburbs with about 100 business associates of the Groom's father and about 100 business associates of the Bride's father WEDDING. That was it- last June 25, 26, 27 2004.

Yes, there was cash as presents.

And do you know that I went to Carsons two weeks before the wedding and bought a dress off the rack for $90 and looked better than his new wife.

SMILE!

JJ5, I am 1/2 sicilian, so ya got me beat. I did however need to cut my guest list down from 252 people to 140. I won't go into why, it is a long story, but I know what you mean!

Way to go JJ5! It is always a good thing to be the first wife looking better than the second!!Ha ha.
And yes sequins. OH Yes..You should have seen the old ladies in their sequins. Actually, since this is an anonnymous board, I wore them too and I had big hair!!!

If anything, this thread just reminds my how big our country is, and how there really is no "typical" rules of etiquitte. I was married in San Diego, then had a typical Hawaii reception at home in Honolulu a month later. Add in all my southern relatives. In San Diego we got mostly gifts- all delivered to my parents house in advance. The southerners all sent gifts from department stores. In Hawaii, money is the gift of choice, brought to the reception, then labelled and deposited in a big decorated box with a slot on the top. This is so common, it no longer applies to any ethnicity.

Filipino weddings usually have a money dance, Chinese often have a lion dance (where you deposit bills into the lion's mouth).

Japanese tradition is cash-crisp new bills- and parents keep close track so at the next wedding you give similar to what you received.

I don't exactly 'cover my plate', but if our family of 4 attends a fancy hotel reception, I will certainly give more than if only I go. I usually start at $100 if we attend, more if we're close or less if we don't go, but still want to give the couple a little something.

My daughter just graduated from high school. She got tons of envelopes with $40 or $50 inside, and we gave similar amounts (along with lei after the ceremony). I think in the end it all works out...I give lots, my friends give lots, the old aunties some times give lots and sometimes give $5. I really don't care, but it is interesting!

BTW-In Hawaii, you also enclose $10 or $20 when you send a sympathy card.

My friends and sisters (in various parts of the country) always call before sending to find out what's done in that part of the country, which is really the nicest way fit in.

My husband and I grew up in the Midwest and we live in Southern CA and we never have followed the "Cover your plate" rule. We didn't expect anyone to do that at our wedding and certainly don't plan to do it for other weddings. WE give according to how well we know the people who are getting married. WE have been invited to weddings where we barely know the parents, let alond the bridal couple. We usually give them a gift from their registry whether we are able to attend or not. As far as giving money it depends on if we know they need the money or if they are moving right after the wedding (so hard to move gifts too) and we frequently give gift cards. Some of the most popular cards we have given seem to have been for nice restaurants in the area where the couple live or a gift certificate at a hotel or well known Inn. Just depends on the couple. We do know others need gift cards from places such as Target, Home Depot, etc. and give them cards from there. It really does depend on how well you know them and what you know they need or want. I rarely give cash but have in a few cases when I know they need it.

Also, we do give money to many people for funerals. We give flowers if it doesn't say no flowers but if they list several charities, etc. we give them money that they can give to the charity of their choice. I also don't care if they use the money for themselves if they have a special need. It is for them to do as they see fit.

This thread has been fascinating. I am re-evaluating the gifts I have given and hope they have been adequate!

What totally surprised me was the idea of giving money at funerals. I have never heard of this custom, but am I one of the only ones? I have made donations to a charity in the deceased's honor from time to time but never thought it was expected. Is this also a North/South or East/West varying custom?

I have only put money in the sympathy/mass card a couple of times. Both times, the remaining spouse/family was not in the best financial situation. We figured rather than a large floral arrangement, money was more necessary.
On the wedding topic, the cover your plate rule was a guideline. We never did this unless we knew the bride and groom were footing the bill and of course these weddings were usually modest anyways.
This has been fun. She is registered. So, I am browsing the list. If I am not sure what, I will get her a gift card to that store. This way she can buy it after she moves or whatever she doesn't get that she really wants/needs.

I've been fascinated by this thread, too!

There's no way I'll do the cover your plate. They picked the place, it's not my job to subsidize it. Our gifts will always be based on relationship.

In the very rural area I hail from, funerals don't have many flowers; florists are few and far between. (And the people are really practical.) When my dad died two years ago, most of the cards we received had money in them -- $10 or $20 usually. On the thank yous I wrote that the money would be used in the community. My mom has made donations to the rural fire department, etc. These givers knew we didn't need the money, but it's considered a "memorial" -- and the family gives it to charities in the deceased's name. And, as Catholics, we received the $5 Masses, also.

Keep the responses coming! I'm learning so much.

KathrynT - I am with you - I have never heard of money at funerals and have never received any in connection with one...so if it is Southern, it's not from my neck of the woods! We either send flowers or donate - seems to be more a generational thing about that...the elder generation still asks for flowers, the younger prefers donations to charity. It is always appropriate to send food - before, during and after! Casseroles, ham, cakes and salads, cokes and ice, paper products...things that can be set out and nibbled on throughout the day as family comes and goes...always in a disposable container!

One thing for sure...lots of us will look at our gift giving, or not giving as the case may be, in a different light! One of use was born and raised in the north, the other in the south and we've lived all over so weddings we've attended cross a broad spectrum.

We've had invitations where we've barely known either the couple or their parents, or in waaay too many occasions, they are employees, my DH is "the boss", and in a big hotel, if you start giving for every one of your employees that sends an invitation, it would mount up fast! We just can't do that, nor can we selectively go to some of their weddings but not others.

The rule of thumb used to be that if you were invited to the reception and attended, a gift was mandatory. It was not if you were invited just to the service and not reception. If you did not attend either, no gift was necessary although if it was someone you were even "sort of" close to, but you had other commitments that day, you would of course gift anyway.

My parents in the north and his in the south have all passed away, but I don't think any money changed hands--flowers sent for all but my Mom's, where we had specified that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to Hospice. It would never in the wide world occur to me to send money with a sympathy card!!

All this makes you wonder how many gaffes you've unwittingly made, in others eyes anyway, doesn't it?!

This has been an interesting thread and I do wonder how many times I've made errors in the eyes of others. We are from the Midwest and we were always under the impression that you send a wedding gift whether you attend or not if you were invited to the wedding.

Things change. I remember when I had baby showers, it was in someones home with dessert and no one heard of a registry for baby showers. I work with a young work force and the showers I've been invited to, the young mom's to be are all registered and it is in a rented hall with usually a buffet dinner or if in someone's home, a sit down dinner.

Wow, money in sympathy or Mass cards. I had no idea. Imagine the social faux pas that have I committed? I generally make a donation to the family's charity of choice and if I'm close with the family, we send a meal too. (Unless they have gotten too much food which often happens!!)

When my grandparents each died, no money was sent directly to us. To charities, yes but not to family members.

I've always asked what the family prefers before doing something...how would one tackfully ask if they should send cash??

tact+fully ooops, not tack!! Ouch!

This has made me stop and think long and hard. I had no idea that people gifted so minimally, especially out West- I knew many Southern weddings were very simple- but didn't know that lots of other places, the bride and groom really are paying for their own wedding reception.

You should hear all the jokes I've heard coming up over all the years about "the fifty dollar cousins" etc. Kind of like one priest, one Rabbi on a golf course etc. We are like "the village" supporting the young couple as they start.

Also money is given at wakes/funerals in the Mass cards or sympathy envelopes for the same reasons.

But then again- we have ONE wedding to an individual, regardless of how life hands out the cards. Even widows/widowers don't do the celebration in the same way- much more privately.

More from the West coast but actually from a transplanted Eastern seaboard gal:

When my east coast cousin was married, her mother had just died.We were invited but did not go.It was a very BIG wedding on the Cape(Chatham). I sent an old photograph of our mutual (her mother's and my father's) grandmother as a young woman. I had it matted and framed. She loved it! I really don't think anything else would have meant as much no matter what the cost.

When someone dies, I always send a sympathy card and will sometimes make a donation if I feel particularly close to or fond of that person. If the family is in the immediate area, we always offer to cook for them. I have made donations to have masses said.
Whnever someone in our neighborhood has a baby of faces some other kind of major life upheaval we also offer to cook. It's the "covered dish rule" I actually did grow up with.

Bat Mitzvahs and Bar Mitzvahs: it's always different. We also have never subscribed to the "cover your plate" rule here. We have been to a wide range from the small non-traditional to the tastefully elegant to the events that truly do go on for days. We have given things we have felt were symbolic of the event. For the girls we have given things like books about women of the Hebrew bible or lovely Miriam's cups.(The Miriam's Cup was the biggest hit). I have always been a bit taken back when informed girls are registered at places like Tiffanys. I am equally taken back when I have been directed to purchase gift cards at places like the Good Guys. It really feels like we have all strayed far from the meaning and it also feels immensely impersonal.

Thank you notes: I always send them immediately. I have, over the years, strayed from the Cranes Informals and now often will send a greeting card note. I am also a bit taken back when folks do not send them. It seems(bear with the crabby old woman here)increasingly common that the children of our peers (and even our relations) have never been given the training to
do so.We make certain we send notes to them when we have received something in hopes it will model good behavior.

I have never worn sequins, am fascinated by bugle beads and still wear a hat when I enter catholic churches.