Can't say that "cover the plate" is a NE thing as I've lived in So Cal my whole life and knew about this.

As for funerals, when my father passed away my mother and I were astounded at the amount of money people sent to us! We were totally unprepared for that. Since arrangements for my father were relatively inexpensive (no funeral, a memorial service, and free burial in national cemetary), we really felt badly taking this money. Instead, we donated all of it to the American Cancer Society in his name and indicated such on the thank you notes we sent out.

Since then, I now tuck away a bit of money inside of a sympathy card when notified of a death. Or, if the family indicates, make a donation to the charity of their choosing. I never send flowers, but that's a personal thing.

For those of you who follow the "cover your plate" rule, how do you find out what that actually is?

Greenhouse--
You never really know what the cost is (or shouldn't!) it's just a kind of rule of thumb...If you know a wedding is at say a Ritz or Hyatt, following the rule would mean you give more than if it were in a less expensive venue. Obviously, you should give what you feel is right and can afford :)

OWJ

It was an interesting thread to read.

Weddings/showers and the cultural gifting that surrounds them are extremely different by ethnic culture/region in the USA- and maybe within different religions as well.

But almost across the board the Chicagoland bride usually has a huge shower or several AND gets gifted at the wedding as well.

Someone told me that per capita the most money is spent on Weddings in the Midwest. I don't know if that's true, but I do know I am going broke because I have a bunch of good friends that have been like life-long sisters to me and they all have children having weddings. I average about one or two a month right now.

Sometimes I have to pass when I would really like to go, but I can't afford to gift for both shower and wedding. So if I do make the shower and I don't know the bride or groom very well, just their parent, then I oftentimes will pass on the Wedding and send my regrets. Most of these weddings are between 200 and 250 people at least anyway, so they understand and don't mind.

You need to be like Solomon on these decisions. And of course Thank You notes are always required by those that receive gifts of money or property/items at any event.

I feel like nytraveler, that I can not give someone a "gift" if it is less than what they are actually giving me. In other words, if I'm going to a country club and having an excellent meal, live band, and drinks etc. that I will always give beyond the costs of all that. That's just how I feel, but I don't hold it against others who don't gift that way.

My parents are in their mid-eighties and think they are giving a good gift at $80, and I have tried to explain to them- but they just don't see it that way. They can afford to see it differently but just won't.

I've only been to one backyard reception in my life and they wanted money (I knew because I asked)and so that is what they got. And it was fun but ultimately a semi-diaster because after dinner the toilet broke in the house and backed up and they didn't have any fall back plan for that. It made for a short reception.

All the brides I have given to in the past (and there have probably been at least one hundred if not more) have all wanted MONEY, not gifts. We give gifts at showers and not at weddings. And they register in the stores for the shower gifts. It isn't unusual for the couple to receive BIG gifts now at showers. One I just went to received her honeymoon trip and a $1500 set of China, for example.

Thank God all my kids are married. Weddings cost way, way too much money the way most people want to do them in our next of the woods. I would love the Southern tradition of an afternoon Church wedding, with a tea and crumpets thing in the basement or hall afterwards instead of these 3 and 4 day extravaganzas around me.

The most amusing thing for me has been the realization that although I may have been told all my life (from mother and grandmothers) "That simply is not DONE!", "it" was being done...somewhere! :-)

First, to OWJ, again I apologize for being overly sensitive. I know what you were trying to say. Sorry for my sour attitude. I remember now that you're in Atlanta, so you know all about us peaches!

Starr, we could start an entirely different thread on alcohol at weddings. The differences on that one could go on for days.

My entire family converted from being nothing to being Southern Baptist when I was 10. Dad gave up alcohol completely. Not that he was a lush before but his mind was made up. No more alcohol.

When the time came for my wedding, Dad had Parkinson's and dimentia. But when he heard we were considering having alcohol at the reception (which hubby and I were paying for totally), he was coherent enough to shout at me that there would be no alcohol. He'd been a deacon too long for that to happen.

I will note that when he started to complain about dancing, I put my foot down. That was something I'd wanted since I was a little girl and that one I was willing to stand up for.

So we didn't have booze. I think some of our friends wondered why but I let them know if they wanted to bring it and drink it outside, they were welcome to do so. It was an evening reception in the boonies (near Coweta County!) so I was glad not to send any intoxicated guests out on winding roads anyway. And it saved us a ton of money.

At the same time, I know that some people might have considered me a recalcitrant host for not providing booze. I just wanted to honor Dad's wishes. He never said so but I think he did appreciate that respect.

I'm sure he DID appreciate your respecting his wishes. My family wasn't Southern Baptist, but most of my parents friends are. Alcohol at the reception in the church hall was never an option of course. One of my favorite pictures of my brother is of him spiking the punch bowl at my sister's wedding reception (NOT at a church) after most of the guests had gone and only family and close friends were still around. It was my grandmother's vodka I believe :-). My family drinks and serves wine at meals, mixed drinks at parties, etc - just no alcohol at wedding receptions held at church locales. And that does save considerable money as well!

I am learning... and not only geography :)

As a recent newlywed and west coaster, I experienced many of these different gift-giving regional/cultural differences. My husband is from Long Island, land of the black tie bar mitzvah and the break the bank black tie weddings. I am from SF where I had not attended a large number of weddings, but whatever you want to do is generally accepted. Gifts? In SF, you just get a gift off of the registry. NY - it's a whole different story. Living in NY for a a few years and dating and being married to my current husband taught me a whole different world of gift giving which we still follow today.

On Long Island, among his circle of family and friends, it is customary to get a gift off of the registry for the engagement gift. Even if there is no engagement party, you get a gift (I don't agree as I believe engagement gifts are given only if there is a party). So, upon our engagement, the first question asked was, "Where are you registered???" This is how we got a lot of our gifts - only from the NYers. At our wedding, the Californians got us gifts off of the registry and we got checks/cash from the NYers (including my east coast family members). Looking, back I especially appreciated the gifts of cash b/c it helped us with a downpayment and we used it for whatever else we needed like our honeymoon etc. I now only give cash to people as wedding gifts.

This has been much fun to read...filled the slow hours this afternoon. We are in the midst of planning a wedding and I didn't realize so much of what we have just assumed to be the "way to do things" was actually regional. It went without saying that one got married in a church, on Sat afternoon, and the reception was near-by, if not in the Fellowship Hall. Alcohol, if served, was almost apologized for and dancing is not even discussed. Food is rarely more than cake (of course there are 2 - the Bride's cake and the chocolate Groom's cake), punch (often to match the bridesmaids' dresses), nuts, cheese straws and tea sandwiches. Chicken fingers or beef borders on pretension. Showers call for a smaller gift, the wedding something a little more formal, and a tea or coffee is just a convenient place to personally deliver the wedding gift. Money is not even an option.
In a way, I am glad to find out that my insistence on some of these traditions is just affirming my children's Southern heritage.

I read this thread because I recently got married in the South. It's interesting how weddings bring up all sorts of issues with gifts, what's appropriate, etc.

At our wedding, we registered but we also got checks from people that didn't attend. I don't think that there is any right or wrong answer. I think that it's always been customary to spend money on a wedding gift. However, I do agree that the shower process hasn't gotten out of hand and has become a gift free for all.

What I do is try to estimate the cost of the reception per head, which is usually about $80-150/head, and multiply it by two for the gift from my spouse and I. I think that it is customary, but of course you can do what you think is most appropriate in light of your closeness to the couple. FYI, if you're looking for where they're registered at go to theknot.com and you can do one search on most department store registeries (meaning that one search on theknot will provide you with the registries and links to all of the places the couple is registered at.).

Okay, here goes........I am an ex New Yawka. Italian, and was raised Roman Catholic. (now Episcopalian)

We gave cash, covered our plate, and did not give a 'gift instead'. Like a toaster or something, you just did not do it.

And yes, you always gave a check in the Mass Card when someone died.

I shall have to break out the flame proof jammies, because I am going to observe MY EXPERIENCE with MY WEDDING.

My family from NYC 'gave more money'. Actual dollars. I can't say that they were more generous, because they could afford more than the people that are here in PA. I married a dairy farmer and live in a very rural area. People gave whatever they could afford, and I was appreciative for anything. I had one family give us a five dollar gift. That was fine. I am not the type of person that is hung up on things and money. If I was I would not have moved here from NYC and live in an area that doesn't pay well.

It was a suprise though to see such a marked difference between his side and my side. Not something I ever would have thought about before hand.

I had to try to fit in here when I came too. I am used to very formal weddings where people are dressed to kill. Here people wear blue jeans to weddings. No I am not kidding.

Girlonthego, you will get a million answers. Do what makes you feel comfortable. I may get more "dressed up" than people around here and I guess my husband was told that I "overgifted" but, I just do what I feel in my heart is right. That is all you can do.

So funny, here I am a grandma who hopes just once one of mine will meet up with a Southern belle so I could enjoy a simple wedding again. Or if not that then, oh, for the old fashion Italian beef/ Knights of Columbus hall reception blast.

And even funnier is that the son who feels just like I do about simplicity- ended up having one closer to Joan Rivers' daughter's. Love does that to people.

Someone asked about costs. I think that you need to gift at least $100 per person attending just to cover the reception, IMHO. The last one I went to in May, they also gifted you a Mikasa bud vase to take home and for anyone who was served from the open bar all night plus dinner, that alone, would probably have run over $100. You also get cake to take home at nearly every wedding I have been to in IL and now they are starting with family and friend video copies. It is a big business that's for sure.

I am soooo glad I have sons, lol! Otherwise, I think my head might pop off from all of the spinning :D

Forget about the wedding gift...what to wear to a wedding is the more important question/problem ;)

Ausc59, you simply cannot leave out the cheese straws at a church fellowship hall wedding reception! Just wouldn't be proper without them. I think about 95 percent of the wedding receptions I went to growing up were exactly as you described. And the punch matching the bridesmaid dresses (and dyed to match shoes) was priceless.

My first experience at a different kind of wedding was in Chicago and I was a bridesmaid. Wedding was in a church and reception in a banquet hall. What a difference! Dancing...booze...sit down diner. I was really surprised but I loved it.

I can still remember being asked to dance by another groomsman to Johnny Mathis' "Chances Are." Funny what you remember, eh? That's what made me decide for sure I'd have dancing at mine, Baptist or not!

girlonthego - What an interesting thread.

I grew up in the U.K. and the customs here in the US are certainly different and I believe have changed over the years.

I always gift a gift at wedding showers. The checks I give for the wedding are always promptly cashed and the thank you note often says how the bride and groom are going to spend the cash gift.

If other neighbor's are invited can you discreetly inquire from them what the norm is? I personally would just give what you feel comfortable with and attend. Perhaps your presence will be the best gift of all. I cringe when I hear people talking about who they can cut from their wedding guest list. Think how wonderful it is to have so many friends and family close by to invite and share this special time.

Best wishes to enjoy yourself.

Sandy

Remember the days of the "hope chest"? I had one - a Lane cedar chest that I received upon my engagement.

I tucked away little household goodies like towels, a blanket, etc.

Do brides-to-be still use a "hope chest"? Or has that tradition now been replaced with big showers? (btw, I had a shower but it was very modest in comparison to what I see today).

I'm from the Midwest and never heard of the cover your plate rule.

I rarely give cash, unless I don't know the couple very well, or I know they are just starting out and could really use it. Most of the couples we know getting married now are older and aren't starting out broke like we did.

I love the recipe book idea. Some other good ideas I've seen are: a bottle of wine with a picnic basket, picture frames (they'll have lots of wedding and honeymoon pictures), or gift certificates to nice restaurants.

I loved the idea of money for the country they are going to on thier honeymoon, as long as you know they would get it before they left. We left right after the wedding and didn't open presents until we got home.

R5~yup and it a member of my own family! My brother (most entitled and considers himself the standardbearer of all liberal thought) did this. They took it one step more:they planned their honeymoon (No California coast) and mapped out where they wanted to stay. They then contacted friends and family members and assigned "gifts". So,
we were hit up for a night@ Rachel Binan's guest house which is a lovely place to stay but I would have preferred the option of giving something else~ Perhaps,Miss Manners Guide to The New Millenium!

Mind you these are the same folks who kept emphasizing to us(yup, your Pals the Ps) that theirs was a "non-traditional wedding". Oy Oy Oy!

The honeymoon thing happened at a friend's wedding but it was more subtle. They had a box for donations toward their honeymoon cruise. I didn't feel comfortable "donating" but I created the groom's cake and was helping with the catering for this casual 2nd wedding. The bride wore my wedding dress for her first big Catholic wedding in a cathedral so I did not think the absence of my "donation" to the cruise mattered. I don't know how I would react if the donations were via online or "assigned". Geez!