May I add that if some of my wedding guests had been told they needed to "cover the plate", they would have brought some Chinette disposable plates with them? HA! That's a new one to me, too.

I have to admit that I began skimming through the responses part way down. So forgive me if I'm repeating things that have already been said.

But I can't help commenting that, fortunately, my very attractive, very smart daughter who attends one of the other liberal arts schools in Smith's Five College Consortium is not interested in any man shallow enough to be so concerned about looks.

I also agree with Statia and others who've pointed out that it shouldn't be about the cost of the gift. And with those who feel they shouldn't feel obligated to cover the cost of someone else's over-the-top wedding.

This post and the one on the bachelorette party have me somewhat appalled at the fact that some people seem to have no qualms about "spending" other people's money. To expect someone else to give a large gift or to shell out for a fancy bachlorette party, with no thought to their financial situation, is to me, the height of selfishness and inconsideration.

Maybe the preoccupation with gifts, fancy parties, etc., should give us a clue as to why so many marriages fail in this country.

..."my very attractive, very smart daughter who attends one of the other liberal arts schools in Smith's Five College Consortium is not interested in any man shallow enough to be so concerned about looks."
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

Thank you, seetheworld!

If you're offended by a comment that some universities have more attractive students than others then God help us all if men can't appreciate the attractiveness of women. There may be attractive women at Vassar, Wesleyan, etc. (note I'm not mentioning Smith again), but step onto campus at Clemson, Auburn, LSU, UNC, Floria, etc. (and Arizona State on the west coast) and any red-blooded American male takes notice. That's simply a fact.

"For a guy looking to find attractive women a northeast women's liberal arts college is the last place to look."

My remark was meant only as a comment on the implication that there are NO attractive women at northeast liberal arts colleges. And on priorities. Just as was my remark on the preoccupation with large gifts, fancy parties, etc.

Starsvile and Atlswan - you would both have been shocked to have wandered into the men's room at my wedding reception. According to my Italian DH, the men write the gift checks after dinner in the mens room. The better the dinner, the bigger the check. It seems tacky but in reality its just an old school way of lending a helping hand. These same old timers left checks in the mass cards at my father-in-laws funeral. A discreet way of helping out a widow in case she was left with a lot of bills.

Bennnie, that actually sounds pretty cool. Thanks for sharing that bit of cultural history.

I have a vivid memory of the movie "Goodfellas" where all the wedding guests kept bringing Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco envelopes bulging with cash. I was quite disappointed when this didn't happen at mine! ;-)

I should add that the checks in the mass card thing was new to me and totally unnecessary.

Also, gifts are given at showers and cash at the wedding. Why else have a shower? It would be redundant to give a gift at the shower and again at the wedding.

Agreed. I pointed that out above too. The shower/wedding gift distinction is perhaps a NE thing.

And yes, big family tradition here of checks for the widow (or single daughter). Is that only New England too? Perhaps it's just a mix of all the immigrant tradtions.

In my "culture" (Southern) you NEVER give cash as wedding gift.

You give as many shower gifts as showers you are invited to attend. Then you send a wedding gift to the bride before the wedding day. The wedding gifts are often from the registry (including china, crystal, silver patterns). The shower gifts match the "theme" of the shower (lingerie, kitchen, etc.) and are usually not extravagent. The wedding gift is the "big" gift - but again, not cash.

By the way, joint couple showers are becoming more popular but frowned upon by the denizens of society. If it's not a joint shower (garden, home, etc.) then the groom is not supposed to attend.

Interesting point about immigrant tradition, Dreamer2. My ancestors came from Scotland and Ireland via Ellis Island, Virginia, South Carolina and then Georgia.

As a graduate of one of "5 Colleges", ahem, I am happy to be able to say that at age 16, wayyyy back in another era, my picture, entitled, "Birches, Beauty, and Beach" made the cover of the Berkshire Weekly section of the Berkshire Eagle. LOL Truth. :D Of course there's no telling what happened to me between 16 and 18.

I never heard the term "cover the plate" in regard to weddings, but dare I open another can of worms, I have heard it in regard to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs.

Cash wedding gifts were unheard of in my town and I wouldn't/couldn't consider it today. If I care about someone, I care about taking the time to personally select something for them. As someone else said, I still remember who gave us which gifts as I take them out and use them 36 years later...even that squeaky ironing board from my sister-in-law! :D It really is, in my book anyway, "the thought that counts" and we were just tickled to have our friends there to share the moment. I love the idea of a Tiffany vase or bowl--would have loved it then and would love it today...and years down the road, most any bride will as well.

Thank-you notes...handwritten, plain cards, Crane if possible, within two weeks of receipt of gifts, no ifs, ands, or buts. It was drummed into me and I <i>think</i> I've done the same to my kids.

I didn't know that there were places where checks *weren't* given for funerals. I grew up in a small, Catholic community in Southern Illinois. Traditionally, people either sent flowers or filled out &quot;Mass cards&quot; giving money to the parish to have Masses said for the deceased. But, increasingly, people are more apt to either make a charitable donation in the name of the deceased or give a check to the widow/family to be used at their disgression for expenses or for a donation.

I should add that this is generally done for either family or close friends.

I always thought showers were supposed to be small parties, for the girls to get together, and give small gifts for the bride. so, yeah lingerie was okay (although edible panties seems to be pushing the limits. And kitchen stuff was okay, because the kitchen had traditionally been the brides domain.

but that's not true anymore, and the showers have gotten overly elaborate and now seem a way to grab for more gifts. seems a bit insane to me.

When I got married (and this was 15 years ago), we had a shower near my husbands family, which was attended by the many guests who would not be able to come to the wedding. There were some people who came to both, and they did bring gifts to both, which I thought was very nice and overly generous.

I'm from New York originally, live in Massachusetts now, and I think Starsvilles cash numbers are pretty much in line. Maybe a little more or a little less, depending on ones on financial situation. And yes, I think the person who asked about travelling, and then spending less on the gift is perfectly justified. Your presence IS the gift in some senses.

Is it possible the &quot;cover your plate&quot; rule is a New Yorker thing? I certainly had heard of it, but it seems to me mostly from my childhood friends from New York. Perhaps it is more localized, than being a Northeast idea?

I had a feeling I'd be flamed...

I did NOT mean to offend anyone (BTW, ATLSwan, I'm your neighbor and live in Atlanta too) I was just trying to describe the differences I couldn't help but notice when it comes to gift-giving.

After reading all these posts, I'm feeling a bit defensive and don't want people to think I'm that stereotypical Jewish Am. Princess who thinks she's entitled to $$$ gifts because that's not how I think those who know me see me. My husband and I paid for our own wedding. We didn't ask our parents for one thing, not one cent. What I was trying to convey (obviously not very well) was that there is a definate difference in gift giving between the North and South. We had 100 people at our wedding who we feel close to. Whether they were Northerners giving cash or Southerners bearing gifts, we were happy they were there to share our day with us. We did not judge our guests or invite those more likely to give big. If that had been the case, more of my parents friends would've been invited and their work associates too, but that was not the night we wanted! We wanted everyone we loved to be in one room.

A friend of mine gave me one of the best wedding gifts. It was very inexpensive but ever so precious-- it's a recipe book she made by mailing recipe cards to those on our guest list. I've used it a ton and have recipes from great-aunts and grandmothers that I probably never would have gotten otherwise.

Oh, and on the subject of thank you notes. That is another custom I was raised with. My husband and I wrote everyone a personal note and snailmailed them within a couple weeks of getting back from our honeymoon :)

I apologize if I offended anyone. It was definately not my intension.

(LI--Thanks for coming to my defense.)

CAPH, have never heard of cash/checks/money being given at funerals. One sends flowers to the funeral home. The family may request a donation to a charity instead. I find myself doing both, but it's hard for me NOT to send flowers to the funeral home (as hard as it would be for me to give cash for a wedding gift).

china_cat has a good point. Is the &quot;cover your plate&quot; a NY thing? Is the cash as a wedding gift an Italian thing? No offense intended - just based on my limited experience before today and on this thread.

I grew up in a primarily Protestant community and the majority were Southern Baptists. In fact, in the county I lived in for my teenage years there was 1 Catholic family in the county and 1 Jewish family. Are the aforementioned differences based on religious norms as well as cultural? Don't know. Just wondering.

My parents insisted that no alcohol be served at their 50th wedding anniversary because friends would not attend if it were. Maybe that's a contributing factor to the less expensive Southern church weddings. No alchohol. No sit down dinners. Many times just punch, wedding cakes, nuts, cheese straws - and finger / tea sandwiches if you are going all out! :-)

OWJ, I hope you didn't think my comments were about you in any way. I was aiming at people like the co-worker of another poster (sorry I can't remember exactly who it was) who have the nerve to complain, publicly no less, about the gifts they received.

What a wonderful wedding gift! Now that's truly a treasure!

People have been known to &quot;cover the plate&quot; in Massachusetts and NH, so I don't think it's limited to NY. However, if someone is having their reception at the Ritz, or 4S, I do not feel obligated to cover! :) Basically, it's a: Thank you for including me when you could have given all this dough to the B&amp;G for a downpayment on a house! Gifts are a more personal choice for those who know you best.

Also, cash is not strictly Italian. I am of Polish/English descent. I just think most newleyweds prefer it these days. Either things are SO expensive for youngins starting out, or it's the second time around and they have everything. Maybe it's that New England practicality!

I think many NE receptions number 100-200 guests. Aren't southern weddings larger affairs? Or more intimate? Although there are certain wedding gifts I still enjoy 20 years later, I can't imagine getting 100 pieces of china, crystal, silver!

CAPH52-Thanks for the united defense of women's colleges. IMO my daughter is beautiful and brainy so there NYJETS!! :)
Weddings!! This thread is so indicative of the stress associated with what should be so simple and happy but instead can be fraught with stress. As a mom of 2 daughters, one son I pray for elopements. Plus as so well stated previously by many posters the gifts are not integral to survival, hopefully the wedding parties are well educated enough ( maybe at a Seven Sisters school :)) to enjoy the affection behind the gifts and not actually need to live off them.

I'm about to attend a wedding where the b &amp; g have registered for a honeymoon.
That's it, that's all. The invited make online contributions for their trip.

I am uncomfortable with this, as I am from the poppycock school of the 'more traditional registry and thankyou notes
written ASAP period' mindset.
I'd rather the b&amp;g get what they want
then toasters or silver trays by the dozen, yet it still feels strange.

Anyone else have experience with this ?
R5